Yet another thread about racial stuff

HappyPeople · 01-14-2006, 04:49 PM

We were recently contacted by a couple that had a NO BLACKS (it was in caps) declaration in thier profile... One of us is mixed race but that has little to do with the reason that it the statement put me off. Even though he's usually light skinned enough for most racists (he's 4 races so he kinda looks italianish), I was put off by the NO BLACKS statement because it seemed a bit edgy to me.

In the past, we've found that we don't seem to get along well with folks that have strong racial preferences. While we both completely understand having preference or not, presenting a strong stance against race seems odd to us. Surely, there must be more socially kind ways of dealing with someone that you'd rather not be with than posting your anti-preference in caps in your profile.

So tell me, am I being too sensitive or would this put you off too?

janaandjames · 01-14-2006, 05:15 PM

So tell me, am I being too sensitive or would this put you off too?

i think if they put it in all caps, and were reall adamant about it, that would put us off as well.
i guess there is nothing wrong with having a preference ... i prefer brunettes over blondes, but thats just preference ... not prejudice.
we are both white, and have enjoyed "visiting" with people of other races ..
like you said, i think there is a better way of voicing preferences ...

james

Thrax · 01-14-2006, 05:22 PM

I'm with you on this. I think you are being "sensitive" in the right way.

Whether they mean it in a racist way or not, it screams racism to me. And it says to me that no matter how open-minded they might be about swinging, there are probably other cultural areas where we would have major disagreements. It would be a no-go if they approached me. I want to have some things in common with my playmates, and I think if I met them I would want to challenge them on that statement. Probably not a prelude to enjoyable sex, or any sex, for that matter!

(At least for me.)

And I really don't want to try to provide any ways for them to re-phrase their ad. If they have THIS problem, let them figure it out.

Ouch! (I stumbled getting off of my soapbox)

Thrax

**good times** · 01-14-2006, 05:30 PM

I don't know if that by itself would put me off as it would kind of depend on what else was in their profile and if we seemed otherwise compatible. I personally don't see a problem with this and would imagine that they put it that way because they wanted to play only with like minded people. The idea being that by emphasizing it they would put off anyone that doesn't think like they do. So I guess that the fact that it put you or anyone else off means that they have achieved their intended purpose.

JnCC · 01-14-2006, 06:02 PM

Specifying "no blacks" would be a real "down-tick" to any possible friendship, because I have several friends, both M/F, who are black. It might not be a deal-killer, but it would definitely dampen my spirit in whatever dealings I had with that person.

However, putting it in caps? Now THAT would be a deal-killer.

What the fuck is wrong with people, that thay have to put stuff like that in their profiles? Couldn't they just say "Sorry, but we're most comfortable with those of our own race" and put a smiley-face or something on the end of it?

intuition897 · 01-14-2006, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JnCC

Couldn't they just say "Sorry, but we're most comfortable with those of our own race" and put a smiley-face or something on the end of it?

Exactly. Now, I suppose we can't know what sorts of things they've experienced that would cause them to state something like that so strongly; it could be as simple as ignorant bigotry or it could be something as odd as the woman being raped as a teen (by a guy who happened to be black) and she's had a severe phobia ever since. Who knows?

In any case, perhaps what HappyPeople said in their post would be a perfectly acceptable response: "In the past, we've found that we don't seem to get along well with folks that have strong racial preferences. Good luck in your search.

"

Thrax · 01-14-2006, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by intuition897

Exactly. Now, I suppose we can't know what sorts of things they've experienced that would cause them to state something like that so strongly; it could be as simple as ignorant bigotry or it could be something as odd as the woman being raped as a teen (by a guy who happened to be black) and she's had a severe phobia ever since. Who knows?

In any case, perhaps what HappyPeople said in their post would be a perfectly acceptable response: "In the past, we've found that we don't seem to get along well with folks that have strong racial preferences. Good luck in your search.

"

That's a great post and a great way to go. In my original post I was thinking about the other angles, but from personal -- and extremely FRUSTRATING -- experience your message is very useful.

This is a very difficult and sensitive area. I am thankful that this forum can address this straight-forwardly without most regular posters having a fit about it. Kudos to you all!

Thrax

LikeMinds321 · 01-14-2006, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappyPeople

...I was put off by the NO BLACKS statement because it seemed a bit edgy to me.

In the past, we've found that we don't seem to get along well with folks that have strong racial preferences....

So tell me, am I being too sensitive or would this put you off too?

It seems to me that how they wrote it is exactly how they should have done it because it told you they have strong racial preferences and therefore, as you said, you would not get along with them. Be thankful that you learned so much about them right up front. You can move on quickly in your search for more compatible people.

If everyone used a standard of dimplomacy when composing their profile we'd be meeting more people and facing more surprises once meeting. I am so thankful for the horrid and insensitive things some people say in their profiles. Yes, they put me off, but they help me STAY CLEAR!

LM

**TNT** · 01-14-2006, 07:46 PM

Basically it would tell us that we probably would not get along that well.

We were contacted once by couple that in their initial contact mail were very nice. Upon reading their ad, we knew immediately that we would not get along. They stated that not only did they not want to play with people of different races, they didn't want to play with those that did. We replied with a thank you for contacting us, but upon reading your ad we were sure we would not be compatible.

Stating preferences in your ad does save you and those that read it time and effort when it comes to knowing if you're compatible or not. Reading a statement like that would let us know we wouldn't be compatible.

Teresa

Spoomonkey · 01-14-2006, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

It seems to me that how they wrote it is exactly how they should have done it because it told you they have strong racial preferences and therefore, as you said, you would not get along with them. Be thankful that you learned so much about them right up front. You can move on quickly in your search for more compatible people.

Dito

When we are contacted by folks who don't fit our preference, we simply say that we are not compatible. Mostly because we realize that our preferences are about us - not about them.

Spoomonkey

Pepper & Drew · 01-15-2006, 09:15 AM

I appreciate when people spell it out like that. The way I see it, it saves everybody time: those that don't agree with such sentiments, those who are part of the racial group they're targeting, and the couple themselves. I personally don't see anything wrong with stating it, just as long as they realize they will alienate people, and therefore miss out on some really great people. But, it's certainly their choice....

Pepper

CB_n_Red · 01-15-2006, 09:27 AM

We won't even socialise (vanilla or otherwise) with racist morons, let alone play with them. I use the word morons quite deliberately. They clearly don't have the brain power to see the obvious - we're all people.

CB

In2curiosity · 01-15-2006, 09:36 AM

We are as biracial couple and as much as the CAPS would make me cringe.....it helps avoid a waste of time.

Also as politically correct as the world has become I am sure there are people who feel the way that couple do (probably more in the South where we are)

Honestly I would rather deal with an out-of-the-closet bigot than a secretive one anyday.....in every part of my life.

Mrs. Me

FlaPlaya561 · 01-15-2006, 09:40 AM

when it's in CAPS .....I STAY AWAY LOL

WesternSwing · 01-15-2006, 10:25 AM

When race is mentioned at all in a profile we stay away. We know we will not be compatible because we don't think the same. You are not being too sensitive, they are being too insensitive. Stating that in their profile not only screams of racism (or the husband's intense fear his wife will like black men better), but also of arrogance and piousness. It would be hard for me to not send them an email telling them that.

Mr. WS

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01-14-2006, 04:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
HappyPeople Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 390 Location: Tampa	Yet another thread about racial stuff We were recently contacted by a couple that had a NO BLACKS (it was in caps) declaration in thier profile... One of us is mixed race but that has little to do with the reason that it the statement put me off. Even though he's usually light skinned enough for most racists (he's 4 races so he kinda looks italianish), I was put off by the NO BLACKS statement because it seemed a bit edgy to me. In the past, we've found that we don't seem to get along well with folks that have strong racial preferences. While we both completely understand having preference or not, presenting a strong stance against race seems odd to us. Surely, there must be more socially kind ways of dealing with someone that you'd rather not be with than posting your anti-preference in caps in your profile. So tell me, am I being too sensitive or would this put you off too?

01-14-2006, 05:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
janaandjames Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 123 Location: kansas Status: female half of couple Swing Lifestyle Name:janaandjames	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff So tell me, am I being too sensitive or would this put you off too? i think if they put it in all caps, and were reall adamant about it, that would put us off as well. i guess there is nothing wrong with having a preference ... i prefer brunettes over blondes, but thats just preference ... not prejudice. we are both white, and have enjoyed "visiting" with people of other races .. like you said, i think there is a better way of voicing preferences ... james

01-14-2006, 05:22 PM	#3 (permalink)
Thrax Stimulus pkg. available Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,441 Location: Pittsburgh Status: Single Male Swing Lifestyle Name:Thrax	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff I'm with you on this. I think you are being "sensitive" in the right way. Whether they mean it in a racist way or not, it screams racism to me. And it says to me that no matter how open-minded they might be about swinging, there are probably other cultural areas where we would have major disagreements. It would be a no-go if they approached me. I want to have some things in common with my playmates, and I think if I met them I would want to challenge them on that statement. Probably not a prelude to enjoyable sex, or any sex, for that matter! (At least for me.) And I really don't want to try to provide any ways for them to re-phrase their ad. If they have THIS problem, let them figure it out. Ouch! (I stumbled getting off of my soapbox) Thrax
	__________________ You get what you play for.

01-14-2006, 05:30 PM	#4 (permalink)
good times Mod Squad Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 6,919 Location: Reno, Nevada Status: Married to Mrs Good Times Swing Lifestyle Name:randp	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff I don't know if that by itself would put me off as it would kind of depend on what else was in their profile and if we seemed otherwise compatible. I personally don't see a problem with this and would imagine that they put it that way because they wanted to play only with like minded people. The idea being that by emphasizing it they would put off anyone that doesn't think like they do. So I guess that the fact that it put you or anyone else off means that they have achieved their intended purpose.
	__________________ R (He is R, she is P)

01-14-2006, 06:02 PM	#5 (permalink)
JnCC Registered User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 817 Location: Mulletsville, USA	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff Specifying "no blacks" would be a real "down-tick" to any possible friendship, because I have several friends, both M/F, who are black. It might not be a deal-killer, but it would definitely dampen my spirit in whatever dealings I had with that person. However, putting it in caps? Now THAT would be a deal-killer. What the fuck is wrong with people, that thay have to put stuff like that in their profiles? Couldn't they just say "Sorry, but we're most comfortable with those of our own race" and put a smiley-face or something on the end of it?

01-14-2006, 07:46 PM	#9 (permalink)
TNT Julie's Helper Join Date: Jul 2001 Posts: 5,003 Location: baker, fl, usa Status: couple Swing Lifestyle Name:tblonde312	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff Basically it would tell us that we probably would not get along that well. We were contacted once by couple that in their initial contact mail were very nice. Upon reading their ad, we knew immediately that we would not get along. They stated that not only did they not want to play with people of different races, they didn't want to play with those that did. We replied with a thank you for contacting us, but upon reading your ad we were sure we would not be compatible. Stating preferences in your ad does save you and those that read it time and effort when it comes to knowing if you're compatible or not. Reading a statement like that would let us know we wouldn't be compatible. Teresa
	__________________ Ted and Teresa No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

01-15-2006, 09:15 AM	#11 (permalink)
Pepper & Drew Mmmmm...tasty! Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,035 Location: Hurricane Alley Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:alhedonists	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff I appreciate when people spell it out like that. The way I see it, it saves everybody time: those that don't agree with such sentiments, those who are part of the racial group they're targeting, and the couple themselves. I personally don't see anything wrong with stating it, just as long as they realize they will alienate people, and therefore miss out on some really great people. But, it's certainly their choice.... Pepper
	__________________ "Swinging is a lot like riding a Harley, ...for those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't, no explanation is possible." --Mr. Alura

01-15-2006, 09:27 AM	#12 (permalink)
CB_n_Red Life's too short not to.. Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 616 Location: East Yorkshire, UK Status: Married Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:CB_n_Red	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff We won't even socialise (vanilla or otherwise) with racist morons, let alone play with them. I use the word morons quite deliberately. They clearly don't have the brain power to see the obvious - we're all people. CB
	__________________ Take all things in moderation....including moderation

01-15-2006, 09:36 AM	#13 (permalink)
In2curiosity Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 54 Location: Virginia	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff We are as biracial couple and as much as the CAPS would make me cringe.....it helps avoid a waste of time. Also as politically correct as the world has become I am sure there are people who feel the way that couple do (probably more in the South where we are) Honestly I would rather deal with an out-of-the-closet bigot than a secretive one anyday.....in every part of my life. Mrs. Me

01-15-2006, 09:40 AM	#14 (permalink)
FlaPlaya561 The Neighborhood PC Tech Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 166 Location: Lake Worth Florida Status: Fun Single Male Swing Lifestyle Name:FlaPlaya561	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff when it's in CAPS .....I STAY AWAY LOL

01-15-2006, 10:25 AM	#15 (permalink)
WesternSwing South of disorder Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 2,973 Location: Utah Status: Single Male	Re: Yet another thread about racial stuff When race is mentioned at all in a profile we stay away. We know we will not be compatible because we don't think the same. You are not being too sensitive, they are being too insensitive. Stating that in their profile not only screams of racism (or the husband's intense fear his wife will like black men better), but also of arrogance and piousness. It would be hard for me to not send them an email telling them that. Mr. WS
	__________________ "Sex is something you do, sexuality is something you are." ~ Anna Freud

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