Encountering Prejudice

[hotblonde47]

I think this may be a hot topic but .... hubby and I (white) have a black friend that we enjoy MFM with. We are also currently looking for a couple locally to have fun with in and out of bed.We recently met a couple and during the evening I mentioned our MFM situation. Call me naive or whatever :rollseyes but I was completely floored by their response. They were angry with me because I had answered their "ad" which said "no inter-racial couples". I explained that hubby and I are not interacial (other than he's Italian and I'm English). I couldn't believe the people thought I had been tainted and that something would rub off Well anyway .... that one went nowhere. So from here on in, hubby says we shouldn't mention it. I think I should ... not least of all because I don't want to be involved with anyone with that kind of silly idea. What do you guys think?

[Elusive BiFem]

You say now that you don't want to be involved with anyone with that kind of silly idea, but since their ad said "no inter-racial couples," didn't you get the idea that they were prejudiced? You are now saying that you don't want to be involved after they rejected you for your previous encounters with a black friend, but it just seems to me that you were aware of a different value system from the moment of reading their ad. So, putting their response aside completely, why did you answer their ad in the first place?

As for telling people about your friend. I'm with your husband on that one, but not for the same reason. Quite simply, I don't think it is ever appropriate to discuss your prior play partners. I certainly would not want to think I was the subject of discussion among others and it has no bearing on who I play, with so what's the point?

I understand your anger at being rejected only because you played with a friend of another race; however, you put aside your own values when you answered the ad that reeked of prejudice. That's where we all get in trouble - when we put aside our own values and beliefs. - EBF

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by hotblonde47

.... hubby and I (white) have a black friend that we enjoy MFM with. We are also currently looking for a couple locally to have fun with in and out of bed.We recently met a couple and during the evening I mentioned our MFM situation. Call me naive or whatever :rollseyes but I was completely floored by their response. They were angry with me because I had answered their "ad" which said "no inter-racial couples".

Chances are high you'll get that reaction from people if their ad expressed objection to inter-racial couples.

I'm wondering why you even mentioned the man being black? What was the point of it?

I explained that hubby and I are not interacial (other than he's Italian and I'm English). I couldn't believe the people thought I had been tainted and that something would rub off

I doubt they thought you and hubby were inter-racial; rather, they were revealing their strong opposition to who you chose to play with.

Well anyway .... that one went nowhere. So from here on in, hubby says we shouldn't mention it. I think I should ... not least of all because I don't want to be involved with anyone with that kind of silly idea. What do you guys think?

I don't see a point in mentioning the race of the people you swing with. That can remain private. Your preference to swing with people who aren't prejudice is admirable. If you have the time to develop a friendship first with potential swingers, you may discover what prejudices they have. But many people keep prejudices buried. In your swinger ad you might want to state that you are open to meeting people of all races (you choose the wording), this way couples who do not feel the same way will not contact you, or if you have approached them, they can say "no thank you" after reading your profile. This might help you avoid the problem again.

Good luck & welcome to the board!



LM

[hotblonde47]

Yes you're both right and in hind-sight we should never have answered the ad. Surrender My bad!!! And I take your point about not discussing other situations with swing partners .... I am learning some of the finer points from you guys. Thanks.

[HotCoupleGnS]

I agree with all that was posted above. When it comes to talking aboutyou past swing expereinces, they should be generic. I personally think it is shallow for people to not want to play with you just b/c you have played with someone that is black. We would have no problem with that. We have enever played with anyone that was black, b/c we have never found someone that is balck thatwe were physically attracted to or hit it of with yet.

[stoutgatte]

Hmmm, I'm definitely prejudiced. Being a white South-African male, we were raised to be racist. Now, that said, I don't consider myself a racist, I have black friends and get along well with black people, but would never consider interracial sex.

So, this bring me to the part about this thread that bothers me. I have a prejudice, does the fact that I'm not open to interracial sex make me a bad person by default? Does it mean that I'm not good company? Does it mean that I'm selfish in bed? Does it mean anything other than that I am not into interracial sex? Why should one then exclude people who openly states that they are not interested in interracial sex from those you contact?

Guess I got onto a soapbox there... Took me the largest part of an hour to write this reply, and I know I'm stepping on some toes here...

Were u interested in this couple up to that point? From your message I get the idea you were, and that they said no (which I think is very shallow) the moment they heard about your experience. But if they didn't react in that way, would you have considered swinging with them?

Preference/prejudice... As long as you're not hurting someone on any level, what difference does it make?

P.S. I think it's really important to add that racism is NOT ok, and that's not what I'm defending (for lack of a better word) here...

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by stoutgatte

Hmmm, I'm definitely prejudiced. Being a white South-African male, we were raised to be racist. Now, that said, I don't consider myself a racist, I have black friends and get along well with black people, but would never consider interracial sex.

So, this bring me to the part about this thread that bothers me. I have a prejudice, does the fact that I'm not open to interracial sex make me a bad person by default?

No.

Does it mean that I'm not good company?

No.

Does it mean that I'm selfish in bed?

No.

Does it mean anything other than that I am not into interracial sex?

No.

Why should one then exclude people who openly states that they are not interested in interracial sex from those you contact?

Because it is simply their preference, just as it is your preference not to engage in interracial sex.

Most swingers have preferences, biases, prejudices of varying degrees. I see it more as a fact of life than an obstacle.

LM

[Elusive BiFem]

You bring up some interesting points, stoutgatte, in the prejudice vs. preference thing.

I can respect preferences. We all have them. Prejudice is another thing altogether because for me, it goes so much deeper than preferences. The couple referred to that got upset...I'd say they were blatantly prejudice and displayed that prejudice based on their reaction to the poster. They could have just as easily declined without expressing horror and dismay that she had been involved with a black man. To me, that would have shown more of a preference.

How are you defining racist vs. prejudice? I have a tendency to look at them as one and the same in most circumstances, and especially in terms of racial issues.

Yes, you are stepping on some toes, I imagine, but that isn't necessarily bad. It opens up thought processes and that has to be a good thing - for all of us. - EBF

[sensuality]

This is a subject that runs very deep for me.My husband is Mexican ...I am of European and Hungarian descent...And...my great grandfather{paternal grandmother's father} was a full blooded Cherokee Indian .Anyway...I have a strong preference for caramel skin.It's my preference.I think because the couple stated they did not want interracial couples, that was well within reason.However, I do not agree with nor do I ever appreciate any prejudices just because of a person's skin color.Really people...come on.The majority of our ancestors came from somewhere else{except for the American Indians}...some other country...across a border somewhere. My grandfather on my father's side, came over here from Hungary..illegally....the only people that actually came from America are the Indians...everyone else had to cross some border to get here.Why doesn't anyone see that??Why is it that the majority of "white" people seem to think it's their God-given right to judge people of other ethnicities and act holier then thou as if THEY are the only ones who TRULY belong here in America{No offense to anyone who does not think this way}???It is sooooo sad that people can't put that aside for one second and realize, we all bleed red...we can all give each other blood and procreate....How many more years or decades need to go by before people get rid of their arrogance?So, suppose then that this couple never knew that the other couple played with a male of African descent???Wouldn't have made them any worse for the ware...I'd say Ignorance...that's all it is!!

Why doesn't anyone see that??Why is it that the majority of "white" people seem to think it's their God-given right to judge people of other ethnicities

I hope you are not insinuating that racism and prejudice is only something white people practice.

There are MANY racist out there from many different races and ethnicities.

As a matter of fact I see some prejudice, & steryotyping in your own post: majority of "white" people

I resent that statement as the majority of white people I know do not subscribe to your theory.

[Spoomonkey]

Well - going back to the original question...

I agree that there isn't any reason to bring up your past encounters, but since you did, you really flushed out a rat. And consider yourself lucky that you did!

Mrs Spoo and I are not SPECIFICALLY into black partners. It is just not our preference. But - on the other hand - there was a black gentleman who really tripped her trigger. It was a bad night and we couldn't play with him and Mrs Spoo wandered around the house like a puppy who'd lost its favorite chew toy for the rest of the weekend. And she has told me that he is one of the few men we've met (black, white or other) who she still occassionally fantasizes about. I think that is a good picture of prejudice versus preference. Every person is a package - and while we have our preferences about the wrapping of that package, the rest of the package counts too.

In this guys case, he had a hell of a package...

And I am talking about his personality - not his unit (which never got the chance to come out and play).

The fact that they became upset because you had sex with a friend - someone that they were not obiligated to have sex with - shows their prejudice quite clearly.

Spoomonkey

[sensuality]

I'm not using a prejudice against any race..."white" or not.But, walk a mile in my mocassins ...as the saying goes.My family and I encounter prejudice on a daily basis..and my statements are facts. I would never write about anything I didn't have personal knowledge and experience about.So, take my post any way you want...I know what I am talkng about.And, yes...every race has prejudices...but I have noticed on more than one occasion how some "caucasian" people think they have the God given right to be in America above everyone else.If you were to see me...you would think I was caucasian...because that is what I "look"like.Skin color is so vague anyway...if you really think about it...there are light skinned African Americans, light skinned Mexicans..and etc.The lighter skinned people have a much easier time being accepted as opposed to someone who has a darker skin tone.{Yes, I'm rambling}Also,you might note in my previous post, I put no offense to anyone who doesn't think like a racist...so, exclude yourself if you don't fit my definition of a prejudiced person.Whether anyone admits it or not...racism and prejudice are alive and well...and though things have changed since the 60's...we've got a looong way to go!!
Once again---I mean absolutely no offense to anyone of ANY race who is not racist or prejudiced .

[hotblonde47]

Ok, I want to thank everyone for their replies. I knew this would be a hot topic but didn't really quite expect this reaction. I think I really need to get less naive here. But let me qualify a couple of things. Some men like blondes, some brunettes, some women like chest hair, some don't, some people like large people some don't. I understand there are physical attributes to all of us that are attractive to some or not. In fact a conversation with one of my kids bought this across to me quite clearly tonight. The couple posted no inter-racial couples. That's OK, we figured, again in hindsight very naively, that they did not want to make love/have sex with other races - not a problem, could have been a negative attraction thing but whatever, their preference. The issue I had with it was that they absolutely thought I was somehow tainted, and that the taint would rub off/pass on or whatever. To answer your question Stoutgatte ... no, I had already made up my mind that these people were not for me. So actually if it comes right down to it, when they refused me personally (not necessarily hubby which is pretty weird)I was not in the least bit disappointed. I am not talking politics of racism here, although i guess its hard to avoid it. I just have never been exposed to it in this form (moved from UK 12 yrs ago). Our "friend" happens to be the most gentlemanly, polite, respectful, person we have come across so far. We both have great respect and admiration for him. I am as anxious that he doesn't feel in any way used by us as he obviously feels anxious not to disrespect our relationship in anyway. Black or white, the behaviour is precious.

[N&G]

After reading the original post this doesn't seem to be an issue of inter-racial sex but an issue of another couple dictating who you are allowed to play with. Not wanting to meet a couple of a different race is not any different than not wanting people of certain ages or sizes. It's just personal preference. It's none of their business who you see. I think you interpreted the ad correctly but should not have given them information about others that you have been with. As long as you met the requirements of the ad that is all that should have mattered. If the ad said "No couples over fourty" I'm sure you would not take that to mean that you could never see anyone older than that, only that you should be not older. This is not something worth getting upset about, just move on to someone else.

but I have noticed on more than one occasion how some "caucasian" people think they have the God given right to be in America above everyone else.

Some is a long way from the Majority. That is where I took issue with your post.

Lumping the majority of one race under one stereotype is; well - prejudice in its rawest form.

I did not claim that your post was unfounded and baseless.

I thought that putting the majority of whites in that category insulted the majority of whites because the majority do not feel that way at all.