Would you want to know?

[JustAskJulie]

Reading this thread got me to thinking about a bigger question.

If you (or your wife) got pregnant and you had been swinging, would you want to know if it was yours or someone elses? Or would you just assume it was yours. Would you have paternity testing done on the child? If so, and the child turned out to be fathered by someone you had swung with, would you tell them? What, if anything, would you expect from them?

[CB_n_Red]

If Red got pregnant (still technically possible, even though she is 49), I couldn't possibly assume it was mine - it's 20 years since the big V

If it happened I'm not sure whether or what we might say to the potential father(s). Something we would discuss if the occasion arose.

CB

[rachchris1855]

This is very interesting... in fact, I am 22 weeks pregnant and my husband and I were fairly new to swinging when I did get pregnant! The third time we were with a couple that we had been playing with, I got pregnant. Now, although it was what we consider "group sex", I did not actually have intercourse with the other man. Therefore, I know my husband is the one who did the "job" so to speak... ha ha... and he did come inside me with no condom. We discussed how we were somewhat relieved that there was no official penetration from the other guy. If there was, then a condom would have been necessary. But still... the thought in the back of our heads would have been there... asking if maybe it was him... When we first found out though, we discussed it in detail and we would have assumed that the baby was my husband's, not the other guys.

The other couple does know I am pregnant. I don't know if they put 2 & 2 together and realize that the conception happened when we were with them. We didn't bring it up and they didn't ask. I don't think they were concerned about it and we have no worries either. We have stopped "playing" with them and everyone till we are done with the pregnancy and the baby is born and are trying to be patient...lol. It's good to fantasize though!

[Gorgegon]

If my wife gets pregnant by someone else, we tell the father that he had a child, obviously after the appropriate tests were done. However the child will live with us like our own children. We feel obligated to confess the truth to the genetic father not with the intention of getting money from him but to make him decide if he wants to have a relationship with someone that has his own blood, in the early years maybe passing as his or her “uncle” or “godfather” until he or she is old enough to understand the paternity issue. (probably I didn’t explain this well Julie, English is my second language)
If I get another women pregnant I will certainly like to know that I had a child, however I think the mother should decide if she wants to raise him or her, if not, we will take care of our kid the same way we are doing with the ones we have now. If she wants to keep the child and she allow us to visit him I will be happy to be the “uncle” or “godfather” from out of town . But if the couple don’t want us near them, we have to respect that but we would create an education found from elementary to collage and definitely he or she will not be left out in our testament.
What I wouldn’t be able to accept is if I was told that I child of mine was aborted. That is why we are thinking very seriously on getting me the vasectomy done because I can not control how the other couple will react in a situation like this also keep in mind that this is not typical conversation for swingers when you are trying to hook up with another couple. Or is it ?

[Sweet_Candy]

One of my fears is my wife could get pregnant while swinging. I've had a vascetomy and have been tested to be sterile. My procedure was 4 yrs. ago after our second child. We've discussed this issue and have agreed that we would use the "morning after pill" if we should progress to intercourse with another couple. I can say honestly I would not love this child as if it were mine. If my wife decided to keep this child it would end our marriage and she knows this is how I feel.

Sweet

[wtxcpl]

Other than the moral question, how about the legal one?
IE, you tell the "father" and later he decides to get custody, then what?

[bear_and_babe]

When we were in a exclusive relationship with another couple we did have to think about this. My husband has the V, the other wife has her tubes tied, so no worries there. But the other husband was not fixed and I am on the pill. We had a case where I was on antibiotics and if you don't know, some antibiotics can cancel out the pills effectiveness. Bear and I talked about it and we decided that if I got preg. then the other couple would have never known about it. I have health issues and would not be able to carry it to term anyway, so we would have to abort.

Please no flames, this is just what we would do for our situation.

[RNDNV]

Jeez Julie, talk about a scary hypo! What are you trying to do, scare the folks out of playing....

Actually, the legal and ethical permutations here are quite interesting.

As a general rule, if we are talking about a married couple, most state's have laws that say children born during the term of a marriage are presumptively the husband's. Over time, if the husband takes on the "role" of father (thereby supporting this legal presumption), then he might never be able to avoid his status as "father" in a later divorce action, and therefore be obligated to pay child support just as if the child were his own even with proof that paternity is not his (because of the prior swing encounter).

If the couple is not married, then things get more interesting, because the legal presumption doesn't kick in because the parties chose not to avail themselves of the benefits and protections of the institution of marriage. So let me run with this hypo: couple plays and gal gets pregnant from other guy. They decide to keep the child as their own, and over a course of years raise the child as the parents. They later break-up, and gal gets custody of child and wants child support. Guy counters, "not my child," and of course, paternity test confirms the same. Generally, a court would not award child support to this mother. If she trys to chase the "real father" for child support to help her raise this child, this guy can argue that she is "estopped" from collecting any child support from him because he was left in the dark by her concerning paternity when she chose to raise the child with the other guy who was her boyfriend.

Now these are just two tangental hypos stemming from the original post, and they only discuss a couple of legal angles, and don't even touch upon the interpersonal ethical issues at play in Julie's hypo.

In commitment to greater thought and philosophy,
Yours, RND

[wtxcpl]

Originally Posted by RNDNV

If she trys to chase the "real father" for child support to help her raise this child, this guy can argue that she is "estopped" from collecting any child support from him because he was left in the dark by her concerning paternity when she chose to raise the child with the other guy who was her boyfriend.

I guess there is an exception to every rule (or maybe just dumb laws here in Texas). An old school chum of mine found out he fathered a child 12 years prior and was ordered to pay BACK child support!

[djjwp]

Having had both a Father and a Dad, I will add this.

Father was a great guy, used to watch him chase my mother down the hall with a sweeper hose. He died when I was 12.When I was told, I rolled over and went back to sleep.

My Dad walked on water. He was 20 years older than my mother and raised me from 12 to when he passed away when I was 28.

Point here: sex does not make a parent, love does. I have a vasectomy and if the wife got PG, we would raise the child with no issues and love it as our own as it would be. The other “dad” would be informed and what relationship he has will be up to him. To keep strife down, we would leave telling his wife up to him as he may not want her to know; his call.

We hope to never have this issue as our standing rule is No V, No play. There are too many folks out there to choose from to play with. Those not taking the simple step of protecting all involved do not play in our playground.

[bunnyrabbits]

Having been through this (my wife has had a child from a play partner) , it was difficult to accept at first. When our son arrived, I grew to love him just like my other children. This was a difficult time for us, but we got through it.

We did tell the father. He really didn't want to have anything to do with this situation. I do worry that he will come back one day and want to be a part of his life. But if that happens, I know that I will always be "daddy".

[meandher2go]

we are afraid of this happening too. I could never love the kid and wont even try to. she might feel different so this causes us a problem.

i have had a vasectomy so i know im safe, but she is scared of getting pregnant and rightfully so. we think we will only play with V-safe guys (condoms regardless) or soft swap with guys not v-safe from now on. she doesnt wanna go on the pill anymore especially since she doesn't need it with me.

and to answer the question, I would obviously know it wasn't mine..

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by bunnyrabbits

Having been through this (my wife has had a child from a play partner) , it was difficult to accept at first. When our son arrived, I grew to love him just like my other children. This was a difficult time for us, but we got through it.

We did tell the father. He really didn't want to have anything to do with this situation. I do worry that he will come back one day and want to be a part of his life. But if that happens, I know that I will always be "daddy".

I think that there is nothing more admirable than loving someone else's child as your own, regardless of the circumstances of their arrival. I think it takes a big person with a big heart to open themselves like this.

I have been reading posts where people say they could not love this child and it makes me sad. It is not the child fault, they are innocent little beings who did not ask to be born and arrived because two people chose to swing. It is not all the wife's fault or responsiblity, you chose to play as a team and the decision to have and raise this child should be made as a team.

We did have this scare once and we agreed to raise the child as our own if I was indeed pregnant. Luckly I was not. I would certainly tell the father as I think he has a right to be involved in some way if they choose.

It might be hard to explain though as hubby has had a vasectomy

[Sweet_Candy]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

I think that there is nothing more admirable than loving someone else's child as your own, regardless of the circumstances of their arrival. I think it takes a big person with a big heart to open themselves like this.

I would tend to agree with this in most cases.

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

I have been reading posts where people say they could not love this child and it makes me sad. It is not the child fault, they are innocent little beings who did not ask to be born and arrived because two people chose to swing. It is not all the wife's fault or responsiblity, you chose to play as a team and the decision to have and raise this child should be made as a team.

Yes we play as a team and as a team we are not wanting any more childern.
We have our family and as responsible adults we are willing to take what steps are neccesary to keep it the way we planned it. It also takes a strong person to admit their weakness or inability to do something they are against. There are too many unwanted childern in our society already why would a responsible person bring an unwanted child into the world knowing they would not want it. That is a selfish and unkind act in our eyes.

[EvilMJ]

hey Sweet,

My post wasn't meant as a stab at anyone in particular and certainly wasn't meant to flame anyone either. I certainly appreciate your point of view, I may not agree with the point of view that you would not be able to love that child as your own, but I do respect it. I think what gets me upset is when people start to put all the responsiblity and burden on the wife, as if they got pregnant and therefore it is up to them to decide to keep the child on their own..etc.

It is such a senstive subject with so many gray areas and no definate rights and wrongs.