Would you want to know?

[RNDNV]

Originally Posted by djjwp

The other “dad” would be informed and what relationship he has will be up to him. To keep strife down, we would leave telling his wife up to him as he may not want her to know; his call.

To respond to this thought, this is what I meant by the ethical issues that people of different opinions may vary as to what they perceive their "ethical obligations" are. The choice to "inform" the biological father carries with it the possibility that the biological father may indeed want to participate in the child's life to a significant degree, and if so, it wouldn't necessarily be up to him or you guys to determine what that "relationship" would be. Should your opinions differ, it would be a matter that may well end up being decided by a court. A natural father, even under the circumstances described here, would have parental custodial rights, or at a minimum visitation rights, that would be awarded in the absence of some other good reasons why he shouldn't be involved in the child's life. In sum, I guess what I am trying to say is that the wife, providing she lets the "cat out of the bag" (which is an entirely different ethical dilemna), doesn't necessary get to dictate how the child will be raised.

[RNDNV]

Originally Posted by bunnyrabbits

We did tell the father. He really didn't want to have anything to do with this situation. I do worry that he will come back one day and want to be a part of his life.

Now here is an example of the other direction Julie's hypo can go. In this case, you have a real concern. May I be so bold as to suggest a strategy for you guys? If the biological father does not wish to be a part of your child's life, then perhaps you may wish to consult with an attorney to find out what your options are to secure your concerns. I imagine this is what you will be told.

If you don't receive child support from this person, which your wife is certainly entitled to receive, you may wish to contact this person to see if he would be willing to surrender his parental rights. The upsell to him of this is that he would never be obligated to pay for child support, and the advantage to you guys would be that you would then be free to adopt the child, thereby securing your parental rights. Of course, implicit in this is that if he does not wish to surrender his parental rights then you could pursue child support to help raise the child.

For you specifically, with each passing day you do gain a somewhat tenuous "step-parent" right that, depending on the state you live in, may be significant or worthless, whatever the case may be.

Now if you do get the termination, that typically should be followed up by an adoption, that way should you and yours someday in the future decide you no longer wish to be together (yeah, I know, that would never happen... but just in case...), you could preserve your own custodial rights of access to the child.

In sum, you would never have to "worry" again that your relationship with your son could be severed.

[bunnyrabbits]

Originally Posted by RNDNV

In sum, you would never have to "worry" again that your relationship with your son could be severed.

I do not worry that our relationship could be severed. He knows that I love him and I will always be there for him. I do worry that the bio-fathers appearance could be difficult to accept. But, I have faith that if this were to happen, we would work it out.

[Sweet_Candy]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

It is such a senstive subject with so many gray areas and no definate rights and wrongs.

Ditto! We agree, we've been following this thread with interest. No ill will felt and hopefully none given.

[Coupleinidaho]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

If you (or your wife) got pregnant and you had been swinging, would you want to know if it was yours or someone elses? Or would you just assume it was yours. Would you have paternity testing done on the child? If so, and the child turned out to be fathered by someone you had swung with, would you tell them? What, if anything, would you expect from them?

Granted we have not taken that next step from fantasy to real life, but we have talked about this type of situation at length. Neither of us would want to continue the pregnancy if we didn't know 100% that it was our child biologically. In today's day and age, the old "won't tell anyone" ploy doesn't cut it. If the child ever has medical issues, it WILL eventually come to light that the child is not the product of the two of you. That actually happened to a girlfriend of our's (not the swinging, her mother had an affair). Of all places, she found this out during a college biology course, in which they worked with blood types, DNA and genetics. She was devasted, not to mention her non-biological father. If you proceed with a pregnancy that could be the product of an encounter with a man other than your husband, you WILL be opening a pandoras box down the road, with great emotional damage to the child, or adult if it surfaces later. It's just not worth the risk for ALL parties involved.

[Coupleinidaho]

Originally Posted by RNDNV

As a general rule, if we are talking about a married couple, most state's have laws that say children born during the term of a marriage are presumptively the husband's. Over time, if the husband takes on the "role" of father (thereby supporting this legal presumption), then he might never be able to avoid his status as "father" in a later divorce action, and therefore be obligated to pay child support just as if the child were his own even with proof that paternity is not his (because of the prior swing encounter).

That's not entirely accurate these days, I know this because my soon-to-be-wife's sister happens to work for child support in my state. While in the process of a divorce (where child support, who provides medical insurance for the child, etc, is finalized), if the husband ever feels that he is not the biological father of the child in question, he pays a simple $177 (per child) for a paternity test that the agency sets up. If it turns out that the paternity test excludes him as being the biological father, presto, no child support, etc. Granted it may be a little more difficult years after the divorce, but all you really need is a decent attorney and an order for a paternity test, which would not be that difficult to convince a judge to do if you explain the swinging aspect of your past relationship.

If the couple is not married, then things get more interesting, because the legal presumption doesn't kick in because the parties chose not to avail themselves of the benefits and protections of the institution of marriage. So let me run with this hypo: couple plays and gal gets pregnant from other guy. They decide to keep the child as their own, and over a course of years raise the child as the parents. They later break-up, and gal gets custody of child and wants child support. Guy counters, "not my child," and of course, paternity test confirms the same. Generally, a court would not award child support to this mother. If she trys to chase the "real father" for child support to help her raise this child, this guy can argue that she is "estopped" from collecting any child support from him because he was left in the dark by her concerning paternity when she chose to raise the child with the other guy who was her boyfriend.

First off, from your hypothesis, did they have a paternity test to begin with to confirm he was not the father? The only limitation is that once the child legally emancipates (usually 18 or 19 if attending high school, but depends by state), you cannot go after the biological father. One other thing that you may not realize, is that if the mother ever is a recipient of assistance (be it medical/medicaid, food stamps, or AFDC), and she is not living in the same household as the father of the children, she must list the father or possible fathers (in an attempt to obtain child support from the father to reimburse the state for the assistance expended). Child support takes it from there, and if the most probable man says it's not his, genetic testing is ordered. If he is excluded as the biological father, then orders go out for each one on the list of possibles until they find the bio dad. If it turns out that she is not being honest about these possible fathers, her assistance is sanctioned (stopped). My wife's sister told us some horror stories about guys finding out that one or two of their kids are not their's until the parties get divorced and the children are in their teens. Ack!

She's even gone as far as saying that paternity tests should be mandatory at birth, as it would save a bunch of time, effort and emotional devastation. Considering that 10-20% of all children born are not biologically the husband/partner of the couple (saw that quote on this board, from a anthropology book I think), might be a wise action. I know they have or are attempting this in a few states, Texas being one of them.

[Coupleinidaho]

Originally Posted by djjwp

Point here: sex does not make a parent, love does. I have a vasectomy and if the wife got PG, we would raise the child with no issues and love it as our own as it would be. The other “dad” would be informed and what relationship he has will be up to him. To keep strife down, we would leave telling his wife up to him as he may not want her to know; his call.

Your life story is quite touching. The only problem is that your situation is a bit different than the one presented. Your Father passed away, and he was your biological Father. Your Dad was a stand-up guy who came into this knowing that he was not with your mother at the time of conception. Most men (real men) do not have issue with being a Dad in that situation. On the other hand, most men would not want to rub their wife's belly knowing that the bun in the oven is not of their making.

[michelle101]

Alright! That's it. I'm already tied...The Mr. is getting snipped. I find this thread way too scary. Don't want to deal with it at all. Can't say what we would do until we were in that position, and I don't care to find out. I'm hoping on prevention.

[EmpyreanPleasur]

based on the original question, yes I would want to know who the father is if there is a possibility it was not my husband. I'm sure we would tell the other man if he was but I know we would have no problems raising this child!

Darn scary situation with all the possible complications, but it IS a risk you take when you have sex.

[tribbles]

I think knowing the bio fathers family medical history is important and thus someday telling the child (when he/she becomes an adult) is a MUST.

Glad we are both fixed.

[Coupleinidaho]

Originally Posted by EmpyreanPleasur

based on the original question, yes I would want to know who the father is if there is a possibility it was not my husband. I'm sure we would tell the other man if he was but I know we would have no problems raising this child!

We're curious, would you feel the same way if it was the other way around, namely that your hubby impregnated the female of the other couple? If the woman carried the baby to term, you would have to realize that he would be spending time with her and the baby, are you comfortable with that whole situation? My Mrs. wouldn't. Sharing sex is one thing, sharing something as intimate and life altering as a child is another thing entirely.

[GerdOEvert]

We have two children. Both of them are ours.

If we had had an "accident" and become pregant while "partying" we would have had an abortion.

There is no way you can really raise a kid, unless you adopt one, that is not your own. There are enough problems, issues, and fine points without including a stray father.

Perhaps the one exception, in my mind, is if you cannot impregnate your wife, and you have a friend who is amenable to swapping, swinging, or whatever.

Not even remotely a question for us, and we did not have to face the issue.

Otto & Eileen

[95mustang]

Well, I debated on wether or not to reply and obviously choose to. My husband is actually my second husband and I had a child with my previous husband. Now both men are good "fathers" but my husband is daddy. My ex will never be daddy. I don't know exactly why it happened this way, but my husband took a more active intrest in my son while my ex took a more active intrest in parties. However, to answer the question: I don't have an answer. My husband and I have decided to soft swing first. As I can get pregnant but he had the V. I think that it is easy to say that you would have an abortion, but unless you have actually done that in the past, you have no idea about how you would feel about it until you actually had to do it. I have and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And I most certainly would not do it again. My husband loves my son with all his heart and treats him no differently than our son together. To the couple that actually had this happen to them I think that "RNDNV" gave you some great advice. A great example of this would be: If for some reason the wife in your marriage were to pass away, the Biological father could then come and demand custody. At that point you have no leagal right to the child, you would end up seperating brother/sisters and father/child when you could have legally prevented something in that case. My ex won't turn over parental rights, even though we told him he could still have visitation and just wouldn't have to pay child support. He said no so we filed some papers saying that should either of us pass away the other ones family has legal right to visitation. This is the reason for us to soft swing, we have been in this situation and it is scary, not to mention that I don't want a child with anyone other than my husband. Creating a child is one of the most loving acts a couple can share. Children deserve to be loved and treasured and not something that creates panic and anxiety. I personally would like to have another child, but my hubby doesn't so we have put the discussion away for awhile. But I would beg anyone in this situation to please get legal papers on file as soon as possible to protect your rights and your child.

Mrs. 95mustang