Where is the line between Swinging & Polyamory

[2neophytes]

Hi all!

Where is the line between polyamory and swinging?

My partner and I were discussing this last night as we attempted to disable our AFF ad. Okay, so we'd met some people who had said that they weren't typical swingers that went to the club every weekend, but rather they were looking for another couple for a real friendship, where there would be "dates" and the like. However the primary relationships would take precedence over the secondary. They claimed to be more polyamorous than anything. But in polyamory, don't all realtionships have equal weight?

So, then onto AFF. We have seen ads where a couple will say they are not the typical swingers that are looking for a regular couple to go out and have "dates" with. They said they were just looking to get it on.

Hmmm, so now I'm confused. Which is it? Or does it matter? It all seems very subjective and semantical.

BTW, we ask so we know how to properly identify ourselves so as to avoid misunderstandings or miscommunications.

Thanks,
2N

[jsnps]

I am no expert by any means but my understanding is that a polyamorous relationship means that you are allowed to LOVE others just as you would your spouse. Hence the amor part of the word...

I think most swingers keep their attachment limited to sex for sex's sake or at the most friendship. It would seem to me these people are okay with blurring that line and becoming emotionally attached to their other couples and play partners.

Some people do not feel that love (in the classical sense) should be reserved for one person and that it is possible to love many different people on many different levels and to love several people on a higher level (as you would for a spouse or s/o).

That is my understanding of polyamorous relationships...

I am interested to see what others' takes are on the question...

[Alura]

I think you've nailed the definition, Jsnps. If you put Polyamory on one end with people involved deeply in loving both or all their partners, and swinging for pure sexual fun with strangers on the other end, there are many, many different stages in between.

It seems to me it's like fading red to yellow. You end up with orange in the middle but a myriad of shades between the primary colors.

I think each couple involved must draw the line themselves.

Mr. Alura

[yawanna]

I got this from sexuality.org:

Comparisons with Other Sex-Positive Communities

Polyamory
Polyamory, a modern term for ``the love of many people at once,'' is discussed at length in [7], [1], and [21]. The question of what exactly distinguishes ``polyamory'' from ``swinging'' has been the subject of a staggering amount of internet debate.21

There is an increasing amount of crossover between poly communities and swing communities, and every participant and local community is different. What follows is my best attempt to characterize some general tendencies that (in my observation, and at this point in time) seem to distinguish these two communities. These are my personal observations and characterizations of general tendencies that I have noticed locally, they not rules, and there are always exceptions.

In my experience, it is the swing community's emphasis on sex as a social and recreational activity between couples, together with the paramount importance they place on protecting the existing relationship within each participating couple, that distinguishes it from the poly cultures I have encountered.

Forming ``triads,'' ``quartets,'' or any other arrangement where the new relationship bonds are of the same strength and priority as one's primary relationship, is common in the poly community but rare in the swing community. Likewise, regular participation in group sex is a fundamental characteristic of the swing community that is comparatively rare in the poly community. Finally, some of the modern poly community's current cultural influences (i.e. internet culture, science fiction conventions and fandom, and neo-paganism) have far less prominence in the swing community.

[OhioCouple]

Don't worry ya'll, I'm keeping my lips zipped and just listening.

2neophytes...I've struggled for an understanding of the poly lifestyle, as soon as I think I understand another curve ball gets thrown my way.

You can see a similar thread

HERE .

Imsnowman, aren't ya proud of me?

[Spoomonkey]

2N

It is tough to know how to identify yourself at times, so the easiest thing in the world for me is to simply stand naked in the middle of the room and yell, "who wants it!!!???"

The soft sound of crickets after such an outburst is quite soothing...



On one end - the polys love more than one partner. This may or may not include sex; though more often it does. However, the focus is on "love" not "sex".

On the other end - you have your swingers. And forgive the generalization, but swingers are understood to be more "drop trow" than looking for someone to give a promise ring to.

Of course - most of us don't fit into either definition. I am not poly. In fact, I tend to think that some people who get into poly are using it to justify guilt feelings about open relationships.

Now - I don't think that this is the case for everyone, but as one of my poly friends told me, "it is amazing how quickly people can fall in love at a poly convenetion: meet over lunch; madly in love and in a pile by dinner." Some polys can be very intolerant towards people who identify themselves as swingers - and even some swingers can be quite afraid of the term. But in the end, an open relationship - or "sharing pleasures" as VJKander so perfectly terms it - is just that. High ideals does not change the physics of what one does.

Some polys follow through with their "many loves" with commitment ceremonies and co-habitation; or at very least LTRs and exclusive-ogamy.

Swingers - as we unashamedly label ourselves are interested in the exploration of fantasy. Of course - that in itself is very unlikely to tell you much about individuals and couples in the lifestyle. We can not really be comfortable playing with anyone that we don't have a nominal connection with. We wouldn't play in a crowd where there are people we don't know. But - then again - we can play fairly quickly, compared to others. Some couples need a longer "get to know you" period before they can play. And - of course, there are those who can play with strangers and really get off on this.

Some swinging couples wouldn't consider themselves poly at all, but choose to play exclusively with another couple or choice single.

So...

And it only ends here because Mrs Spoomonkey needs me to clean the shower...

I could go on - and would prefer that over soft scrub...

Alura said it best when he said, and I am paraphrasing, that from poly to swinging, there is a spectrum where all of us fit. But - if you are interested in sex and meeting many friends, you are a swinger. If you are interested in a more exclusive arrangement and feel that you need to love someone to sleep with them, then you should research poly.

That's my 2 cents

Spoomonkey

I geuss we would fall somewhere in the middle most of the time.

We like being open with each other and talking about having sex with other people.

Everyone, wether they admit it or not, has fantasies about being with other people or watching their partner with someone else.

People who deny(to themselves) that their partner is not thinking about others the same way they do are just fooling themselves.

But we do not have sex with strangers. We have to at least know their name . But to even come anywhere close to loving someone outside of our relationship would be a recipe for disaster.

Besides I cant even begin to imagine me loving anyone other than Mrs naughty. She is absolutely perfect!!

I never believed in fate but I am convinced that is what brought us together.

Sorry I got corny on you guys but I couldnt help it.

[SluttyWife]

Originally posted by 2neophytes
Hi all!

Where is the line between polyamory and swinging?

My partner and I were discussing this last night as we attempted to disable our AFF ad. Okay, so we'd met some people who had said that they weren't typical swingers that went to the club every weekend, but rather they were looking for another couple for a real friendship, where there would be "dates" and the like. However the primary relationships would take precedence over the secondary. They claimed to be more polyamorous than anything. But in polyamory, don't all realtionships have equal weight?

So, then onto AFF. We have seen ads where a couple will say they are not the typical swingers that are looking for a regular couple to go out and have "dates" with. They said they were just looking to get it on.

Hmmm, so now I'm confused. Which is it? Or does it matter? It all seems very subjective and semantical.

BTW, we ask so we know how to properly identify ourselves so as to avoid misunderstandings or miscommunications.

Thanks,
2N

I think "poly" people are more relationship orientated than swingers hence their penchant to get to know people beyond having had sex with them. That's not to say that some swingers make an all out effort to form real friendships from their mutual conquests.

Sir Mike and I have explored the "poly" thing in the past and have even read a few books about it. Bottom line what did we get out of all the research? That "polys" have primary and "secondary relationships" and set boundaries and exercise "veto power" just as swingers do but with long term, concurrent relationships being the norm overall. What's different about them is that "polys" are more often than not okay with spending time apart from each other pursuing and maintaining these extra relationships. Swingers in general are more geared to keeping their relationship together by playing together or at least in close proximity to one another and limiting or eliminating altogether any emotional attachments.

My four cents anyway.

To answer your other question...you are not mistaken in your assumption about "polys" and equal weight, my dears!
There are some "poly" relationships that hold equal weight but those sort of relationships are rare indeed...often there is a seniority that earns the extra people in an extended family network the right to be considered an equal. Most "polys" form a "V" or dyad.

So before you give yourselves a label, think on these things.
We heartily recommend The Love More website if you care to
elaborate or back up our findings...I will refrain from posting that here but a quick search on Google or Yahoo will get you there.

Mike and I kind of swing (no pun intended) between the two when trying to define ourselves to other people.
We are definitely more interested in cementing real relationships be they sexual or not but cannot stand for the separateness of the "poly experience" so maybe you could call us
relationship-orientated swingers?

I think you'll find a more appropriate label (as we will) as you delve further. Deeper discussions with friends and potential friends might help you understand it all abit better. Something we have a hard time finding in the swinging scene. So many people trying so hard not to "love" or "fall in love" with other people!

I think there is such a thing as love without limits.
Mike totally disagrees with me on this one.



Mwah ;-*

Slutty Wife

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Alura

I think you've nailed the definition, Jsnps. If you put Polyamory on one end with people involved deeply in loving both or all their partners, and swinging for pure sexual fun with strangers on the other end, there are many, many different stages in between.

It seems to me it's like fading red to yellow. You end up with orange in the middle but a myriad of shades between the primary colors.

I think each couple involved must draw the line themselves.

Mr. Alura

Dito

[JP51]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

Dito

My only added comment, is don't try and classify yourself unless you are "looking" for a poly relationship. Enjoy the lifestyle, and just remember you do not have to have sex with everyone you meet. If you hit it off fine, if you fall into a poly relationship fine. Enjoy!

[Lady Yes]

There is variety in the world for a reason.

Making sweeping generalizations about any sub-culture is risky. And probably incorrect anyway.

We're all just people trying to find sane ways to be fully sexual in a culture that has some pretty sick attitudes about that.

Polies do it their way (multiple ways, as it turns out). So do swingers.

I just hope everybody gets what they're lookin' for... (ahem) in the end.