Polyamorous parentage

[Interested One]

How many of you ladies in a polyamousous relationship have had a child by the man in your relationship who wasn't your husband?

[couplers]

Hi, this is Petra. I'm a woman in a poly relationship with my husband and my bf. No kids yet, but hubby and I have talked about it a little, and he said my first baby can be "pot luck," but if it's not his child, the second one will have to be.


We don't all live in the same house, but my bf lives very close by and we would raise children together. From the way things have gone so far, I think it would give a child or children extended family and support. The only unresolved question - what to tell the grandparents.....

[Interested One]

Originally Posted by couplers

Hi, this is Petra. I'm a woman in a poly relationship with my husband and my bf. No kids yet, but hubby and I have talked about it a little, and he said my first baby can be "pot luck," but if it's not his child, the second one will have to be.


We don't all live in the same house, but my bf lives very close by and we would raise children together. From the way things have gone so far, I think it would give a child or children extended family and support. The only unresolved question - what to tell the grandparents.....

Thanks for sharing that, Petra. It does seem odd to me that your husband would be more accepting of "pot luck" - I love that term! - on your first baby, but insistent that he's certain he's the father the second time around. But that's just me.

Yes, I can see advantages, and as you point out, problems, with such a parental situation.

I think your question revolves largely around what you are telling your parents about the relationship as it exists at present. If you've told them about it and they accept it, I'm sure they will eventually come to accept the paternity angle.

Would YOU be concerned as to which one of the two men you love was the father?

[couplers]

Originally Posted by Interested One

It does seem odd to me that your husband would be more accepting of "pot luck" - on your first baby, but insistent that he's certain he's the father the second time around.

I think your question revolves largely around what you are telling your parents about the relationship as it exists at present. If you've told them about it and they accept it, I'm sure they will eventually come to accept the paternity angle.

Would YOU be concerned as to which one of the two men you love was the father?

Hubby insists the second be his only if the first isn't.


My parents, hubby's parents, bf's parents - none of them know of our poly arrangement and would not be accepting of the situation. But I always expected the truth to come out at some point and hope that the baby(ies) will mellow their attitude.


My hope is to have at least one with each, preferably one with my bf and more than one with hubby. Hubby has a gf as well (mine too). Most of the talk of babies is between her and me. She wants David to be the father of her child. Right now it's all just theoretical, so it's easy to just think about it, but children are work so that is why we are waiting. The most important thing for us girls is to go through pregnancy and raise our babies together.

[it'sso]

Not to be controversial, but having helped raise three children with my wife, I think the issues faced in parenthood are complex enough without introducing a "baby's daddy" into the mix.
my opinion only

[funcoupledayton]

I believe the more loving adults involved in a child's life the better. It seems to me that a poly situation could work out great for raising children. There are many cultures where this is/was done and the children with multiple fathers have higher survival rates.

[Alura]

Robert H. Rimmer wrote a book about this subject back in the '60s or '70s, called Proposition 31. It was a sequel to his better-known novel, The Harrad Experiment.

While Harrad explores the lives of teenagers in college and a new sexual moral code they were living, 31 is a sequel about four students who, after graduation, form a Polyamorous union. "Proposition 31" is a proposed new law in California which is to legalize multiple unions like theirs.

They even design and build a home to accomodate them all and their children.

Rimmer's books are interesting reads. I'd suggest reading them in order.

Alura

[Big Rock]

Originally Posted by couplers

Hubby insists the second be his only if the first isn't.


My parents, hubby's parents, bf's parents - none of them know of our poly arrangement and would not be accepting of the situation. But I always expected the truth to come out at some point and hope that the baby(ies) will mellow their attitude.


My hope is to have at least one with each, preferably one with my bf and more than one with hubby. Hubby has a gf as well (mine too). Most of the talk of babies is between her and me. She wants David to be the father of her child. Right now it's all just theoretical, so it's easy to just think about it, but children are work so that is why we are waiting. The most important thing for us girls is to go through pregnancy and raise our babies together.

Have you given thought as to how the children, themselves, will perceive this, when they are old enough to understand? Or how they will be treated at school by classmates and others? Perhaps home-schooling would be best.

[couplers]

Originally Posted by Big Rock

Have you given thought as to how the children, themselves, will perceive this, when they are old enough to understand? Or how they will be treated at school by classmates and others? Perhaps home-schooling would be best.

I know couples with adopted children, children conceived in vitro, children conceived with a donor egg/husband's sperm/carried by the wife, the age-old step children in a blended family, a child that goes back and forth between parents and their new partners, and even one where the mother left the little girl to be raised by friends and only drops in about every month or so. Each of them know of their origins in an age appropriate way and don't care, nor do their friends. As a poster stated above, the most important thing is having loving, caring attentive adults around. The four of us have our faults, but all of us are hard-working, civil people and none of us smoke, drink, use drugs, gamble or watch endless sports on TV.


Would it matter to you (or anyone else) if you found out that one of your ancestors was a king, or a murderer, or a prostitute, or a saint? Children must be treated as well as we can provide for them in every respect. But other than that, we are here now and that is all that matters.

[Big Rock]

Originally Posted by couplers

I know couples with adopted children, children conceived in vitro, children conceived with a donor egg/husband's sperm/carried by the wife, the age-old step children in a blended family, a child that goes back and forth between parents and their new partners, and even one where the mother left the little girl to be raised by friends and only drops in about every month or so. Each of them know of their origins in an age appropriate way and don't care, nor do their friends. As a poster stated above, the most important thing is having loving, caring attentive adults around. The four of us have our faults, but all of us are hard-working, civil people and none of us smoke, drink, use drugs, gamble or watch endless sports on TV.


Would it matter to you (or anyone else) if you found out that one of your ancestors was a king, or a murderer, or a prostitute, or a saint? Children must be treated as well as we can provide for them in every respect. But other than that, we are here now and that is all that matters.

Don't misunderstand me, Petra, I'm not criticizing, just pointing out some of the issues you will face. Believe me, it very much WILL matter to the children, when they are old enought to understand these things. They will wonder why their family is different from the other kids families. The other kids Parents WILL find out about any irregularities, and WILL use this knowledge to discriminate against your kids. I'm from an interracial family and know what I'm talking about. The invitro thing and the fatherhood issue doesn't matter nearly as much as the appearance of having a nuclear family. Preferably a white one. I understand that all of you are decent people, and I'm sure you will make fine parents. This is something you will have to face.

[Alura]

Kids are resilliant. They'll adapt to almost any situation, short of war or famine, and grow up just fine as long as they know they're loved.

But Rocky is right. There's no way to keep information away from them.

Alura

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by couplers

My parents, hubby's parents, bf's parents - none of them know of our poly arrangement and would not be accepting of the situation. But I always expected the truth to come out at some point and hope that the baby(ies) will mellow their attitude.

I would make sure that your parents know prior to having baby, particularly if there is likely to be fall out. Introducing your poly status at the same time you announce the baby (or even in near proximity) may have greater negative consequences than if they have time to let it sink in.

If they have time to process it for a while, a year or 10, lol, before you announce a new addition then I think the dynamics change. If you announce them together or even within a few months, the negative response could be linked to the child forever in their eyes. I know that may sound silly, because the child will always be associated with your poly relationship, but I think the human mind works in strange ways.

If you tell them about the poly and a baby at the same time, they will think you only told them because of the child, the child will carry some subconscious blame for them finding out. If you tell them about the poly relationship, they may not be accepting, even angry at first. But when a baby comes later then they MAY still not be happy about your LS choices, but they MAY see the child somewhat separate from that. Or at least one could hope.

As for how other kids will relate to your child, some kids will always pick on other kids that are different. In your case it just becomes a little more obvious as to what those other kids will seize on to be to point of teasing. Others will accept them without much thought. We are in the process of raising two kids, and have found that parents that are accepting of difference raise children that are accepting. Those that are judgmental raise children that are judgmental.

Kids are blissfully ignorant of many of the divisive issues that we as adults face, such as race, religion, politics and sexual orientation. For many kids the first time the hear anything negative about some issue is from peers, who got it from their parents. When our kids come home and ask questions about some topic that can be divisive, we sit down with them and explain things. It is amazing how smart they can be when you lay things out for them.

My oldest has come home a few times in the past year asking questions like that. I am always so proud when we lay things out and he comes to his own conclusion how wrong it is to be judgmental of some situations.

I am not a psychologist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

[Big Rock]

Originally Posted by Alura

Kids are resilliant. They'll adapt to almost any situation, short of war or famine, and grow up just fine as long as they know they're loved.

But Rocky is right. There's no way to keep information away from them.

Alura

That's all I'm trying to say, is to be aware of these issues. When the time comes for your kids to be invited to B-day parties or sleep-overs, the parent s of the other kids will, in all probability, find out about your relationships, either from their kids, other parents, or even your own kids. When it becomes common knowledge that little Bobby has TWO moms and TWO Dads, how many invitations do you think they will get? It may mean nothing to you, but I assure you it will mean something to your kids.

[funcoupledayton]

First, I think our society is opening up and I don't think Big Rock's scenario of requiring home schooling or missed sleepover opportunities is a realistic concern for your potential children.

However, If someone would deny an invitation to a child based on having poly or gay or inter-racial parents you wouldn't want your child to be involved with them anyway! If I heard that was going on with my children's friends I would have a serious talk with those parents. Every family is different. Mine is, yours is, it's no reason to treat the children differently.

[Alura]

"A [person] can not tell another what to do." —Ten Bears

When Laura and I decided to have kids we stopped swinging. We wanted both our children to be ours. We felt that there were too many possibilities for life to take an unexpected turn, death, illness, war, earth upheavals, the elimination of our food supply, etc.

In my opinion, a family needs to be close-knit. That includes controlled paternity.

Still, an extended family can be a good thing. Among my people, aunts, uncles, grandparents, took an active role in raising all the kids. They all loved me. It was not, however, necessary for my uncle's sperm to have begun me for him to teach me the history of our family, how to ride, how to hunt, how to love, and how to take pride in our foundations.

I fail to see any advantage (and many unnecessary challenges) in random pregnancies, but that's just my opinion.

Alura