New to the idea of poly

[rotten&spoiled]

Well where to start lol.... Four years ago I was married and met my first girl ever. We saw her for 3 months. She started to fall in love with me and I freaked out. I didnt know that people actually lived a life in love with multiple people. In the long run swinging ended up being part of what broke my husband and I up. I wanted to, he didn't the reason I did is because I knew it was going to be impossible to find a single woman, who was truly bi to join us. I think in the long run he would have been happier with a girl that we saw exclusively long term. But I wasn't ready for that.

Now fast forward almost four years to the day... I am single but just met this amazing girl. She tells me that she considers herself polyamourous. WOW... She is single at this point and we are starting to date. Now oddly... I actually went on a couple of dates with a man who I think has alot of things in common with her too. He's the type of guy that coul actually make me want to have kids again. (which is huge btw, the last man that actually made me want children was my ex husband and him and I spent 9 years together.) When and how do I bring this kind of thing up without freaking him out? I know this is very early in things to think this is heading in that direction, I just get these feelings about people sometimes. I now can see myself in a relationship like that. I am just considering my options.

[ncmd_couple]

R & S,

We all love multiple people, our spouse, children, parents, siblings. It is just societal norms that we are expected to only love one "person" at a time.

You have two people that you are now trying to establish relationships with. It sounds like you have a girlfriend, and a possible boyfriend. Just be open and honest with both of them.

Have you told him that you are Bi? I'm assuming that your girlfriend already knows that?

S

[rotten&spoiled]

Originally Posted by ncmd_couple

R & S,

We all love multiple people, our spouse, children, parents, siblings. It is just societal norms that we are expected to only love one "person" at a time.

You have two people that you are now trying to establish relationships with. It sounds like you have a girlfriend, and a possible boyfriend. Just be open and honest with both of them.

Have you told him that you are Bi? I'm assuming that your girlfriend already knows that?

S

You make a wonderful point about loving multiple people already. I hate societies "restrictions" on normal. Yes he does know Im bi and yes obviously my girlfriend knows it as well. I had told him I was a swinger lol cause that is what I truly thought I was, but I guess I need to ammend my statement. I could be very happy with the two of them for a very very long time and never want to stray. What else would I need anyway? lol

[DiscreetDesires]

Since this is a fairly new relationship with the guy, he most likely won't have a problem with it.
Have you two discussed being exclusive?
Even monogamous men and women aren't serious when they are first starting out, and most date a few at a time until they find someone that they would like to have an exclusive relationship with. Monogamous men seem to be more accepting to the idea than women in my experiences.

I would be very honest with him, and he might surprise you!

If you do feel that you are poly, I wouldn't necessarily tell him that you ONLY want him and her. That could be disasterous in the future if you happen to meet another person and want a relationship with them as well. You never know!

[rotten&spoiled]

All very good points and no we havent had the monogomous discussion as of yet... guess I will just explain what poly is and see how it all goes.

[JustAskJulie]

It's important that you make it clear to him what your desires are. At this point he thinks you are a swinger, and while I don't know him and can't speak for him... he's still there so I'm guessing he thinks that's "Cool". Combined with your admission of being Bi, he may be having dreams of many wonderful threesomes and who knows what in his future. If you just want to be with him and this other woman you need to let him know that you aren't really into multiple partners as in swinging and let him know what your real desires are.

[ncmd_couple]

R & S,

I was just wondering how things have been going for you and your friends?

S

[WesternSwing]

There are quite a few things to consider here, but first-off, tell your guy interest right-off that you are not interested in being monogamous and that you identify as polyamorous. Like Julie said, he may be cool with this - many men are with the visions of hot FMF threesome sex they might get - or he may want to bail onto something where he is more the complete center of someone's world.

As far as your girl goes, you have to realize also that you may not be the total center of her world, and you will have to share her time, both physically and emotionally, with someone else in the future.

And both of them are going to have to realize that you are what you are and that you won't be monogamous with either of them, no matter how they try (if the do, and many do) and they aren't going to be able to change you.

Back to disclosure though, in my experience it's never too early to tell someone your relationship style. It saves a lot of time that could be wasted on someone who isn't for you.

LScribbens (AKA WesternSwing)