Trouble May be Brewing in Poly Triad

[YZF]

Mrs YZF here. Almost a year ago we had Quita, a polymory third move in with us. It has been great. I have been into girls my whole life and so is she so it was good for me. YZF had two women when ever he wanted so it was good for him. She is the third, I am the wife. Those were the ground rules. Quita can come into our bed when ever she wants. She can sleep in our bed when she wants. She does not sleep with YZF unless I am not there. I do not sleep in another room so she can sleep with him.

She gets everything I get. She gets to spend his money. He gave her a car. She does not get to spend the night with him at my expense. Those were the rules. They were not written down or anything, they were understood.

Now this past weekend, I get booted from the room. "Something different" YZF said. Quita agreed. At least I think she agreed, the bitch does not even speak english! I can't help feeling that something is afoot here. Quita has been acting smarmy of late. I really do not know how to approach this.

[VegasLee]

Honesty with those involved is always the best way,

Tell them what you told us but you might want to leave out the "bitch" part.

Starting a war does not fix things.

Keep it simple honest and cool if you expect it to work out

[ebsfgncu]

I would say communication is the right answer but since she doesn't speak english and he speaks her language, you may be left out of some vital conversations. In other words, it may be that some scheming is going on. Now I could be way off base but something doesn't seem right.

As for being 'booted' I certainly hope you were given the choice in this matter, if not then I certainly would have felt slighted.

Talk it out is all I can say. All three of you....

Good luck..

[two4youinswva]

Did Mr YZF stop reading the board in the last few weeks?
If not, then I'm sure he'll see this soon enough, which should spark some conversation.

[slevin]

I get a kick out of that attitude: "the bitch doesn't even speak English". You don't speak Spanish either

[Edison Carter]

The best way to cross a chasm is to build a bridge. Perhaps learning some basic spanish will help you two relate better. As it stands, your husband is in control of the key area of relationships: language communication. This allow him to be the fulcrum in your triad and that is never good. Three equal sides, as much as possible, would seem best.

[YZF]

Originally Posted by slevin

I get a kick out of that attitude: "the bitch doesn't even speak English". You don't speak Spanish either

I don't live in Mexico so I have no need to speak Spanish. She lives here and should have learned english a long time ago. Funny how she can spend a whole bunch of money and not even speak English. She understands "Cash or Charge" just fine!

[lustylearning]

It sounds like you don't like Quita much. Why do you continue in the relationship?

[YZF]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

It sounds like you don't like Quita much. Why do you continue in the relationship?

I was fine until she started creeping into my space. She seems to have forgotten that I am the wife. She would never have been invited to live with us if not for me. Now she has started to try to be first in YZF's heart. That was not how it was supposed to be.

I have tried to confront YZF about this yesterday and today and he says I am over reacting. Of course he has not apologized or even acknowledged that he was wrong in letting her sleep with him through the night while I was kept out. Quita can sleep with both of us or with YZF when I am not here, but she is not to take my place and this happened this past weekend.

[Chicup]

You don't have a 3rd, you have two separate relationships with the same man.

I was rather shocked the first time you mentioned that she didn't speak English and you didn't speak Spanish. Everyone keeps saying communicate, communication, communicate, but you can't communicate with a very important person you need to communicate with. She has no relationship with you nor you with her.

I offer no resolution, just the observation.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by YZF

I don't live in Mexico so I have no need to speak Spanish. She lives here and should have learned english a long time ago. Funny how she can spend a whole bunch of money and not even speak English. She understands "Cash or Charge" just fine!

Indeed, she should have learned some English by now. You have someone living in your house that speaks Spanish as a primary language; you should have learned some Spanish.

[prometheius]

It's really difficult to make a fair assesment of the situation without hearing what Mr. YZF has to say. Going on what you are saying and how you are saying it, it sounds like serious damage has been done to this so-called poly relationship. If all things worked out well, is this something you can get passed with full forgivness, or is it going to haunt you for the remainder of this relationship? Do you want things to work out? So far, I get the impression that you are either venting big time, or you are looking for conformation from us that you should give her the boot. What do you think about this?

[YZF]

Originally Posted by prometheius

It's really difficult to make a fair assesment of the situation without hearing what Mr. YZF has to say. Going on what you are saying and how you are saying it, it sounds like serious damage has been done to this so-called poly relationship. If all things worked out well, is this something you can get passed with full forgivness, or is it going to haunt you for the remainder of this relationship? Do you want things to work out? So far, I get the impression that you are either venting big time, or you are looking for conformation from us that you should give her the boot. What do you think about this?

Mrs. YZF here. Honestly, I think Quita is going to have to go. Our whole set up was that she could have one on one time with YZF and have one on one time with me. We used to actually have more sex with each other than with YZF. Our threesomes were pretty spectacular. But even though I have tried to make out with her, I am not into it anymore. She is after my husband and I am not going to allow it.

The lifestyle is not the problem, I can enjoy that. But knowing what her intentions are I can't allow her to stay around. My biggest worry is what if YZF and her are colluding to push me aside? What if I am the one who will have to go. That is what scares me. I don't fear being on my own, I have my own money and medical practice. Quita, on the other hand, would be just a housewife.

[The Fuse]

My opinion is that for your relationship especially, it is important that all parties have a very clear understanding of the rules, and also, that everyone buys into those rules.

You had a very clear idea of what the rules were, but you said they were never articulated. They don't have to be written down, but saying they were "understood", again in my opinion, is what has gotten you to this point. Now you are in a position of feeling the need to take away the right to do something (her sleeping alone with YZF, at "your expense"), that has already been granted.

If following this rule, which is really only your rule, not theirs-- because no one ever acknowledged it -- is a deal breaker, you better speak up and let them know. Similarly, any other rules you want acknowledged by the other two better be crystal clear and understood, and bought into, i.e. "Yes, we understand, agree, and will keep to this rule".

Since Quita doesn't speak English, your only option is to have a three-way sit-down with YZF translating. Even if she did, or if you spoke Spanish, you should have the conversation with Mr. YZF first. If he doesn't agree, there's your first problem. Sounds like he doesn't, if he thinks you are over-reacting. Make sure he knows the rules you have articulated here, and how important they are to you. If he does agree, then have the three-way sit-down.

But really, the main thing is that YOU understood your own rules and the other two didn't. Or, if you are sure they did, then they broke the rules. Either way some very clear communication is needed. And you have to decide what is a deal breaker for you, i.e. what causes you to say the poly relationship isn't working anymore.

You say Quita is acting "smarmy". Perhaps she feels that after a year her place in the household is evolving to more than being a third. If you don't believe that her stature should grow in the household beyond what it was when she moved in, say so.

Don't forget, if you get to set your rules, the other two may each have some as well.

[YZF]

What gets me is that YZF knew the rule. I did not care if Quita slept with us every single day. I did not care if she slept with YZF when I was not home because of travel. I was not to be pushed out so she could sleep with YZF when I was home. It was never supposed to be that he could sleep with one of us sometimes and the other on some other nights. If he had slept in her room it would not have been so bad (at least I think that) but instead, I was pushed out and she slept with him in OUR room.

She has taken to calling me "Morena" whicn translates to dark skinned and "Negra" (Black Female) . YZF told me what those words meant. But when I called her "Guera" (Blondie) YZF told me she didn't like it and to stop. I don't think he is being very fair at all.