I'm Being an Insecure Secondary, Help!

[GoNatural]

Hello my fine alternative friends!

This fall I've started a relationship with a lovely married poly woman. I also moved into her other secondary partner's home as a tenant. So, she has 3 of us, including her wonderful husband who she lives with just 1.5 miles down the road. Our situation is dreamy. She said with a smile, "it is almost too good to be true".

Her and I have been dating since late September. We didn't have sex till 2 weeks ago. I couldn't get it up because I was nervous about being good enough for her, and I wasn't in the right frame of mind beforehand. My penis eventually got hard after 2 failed attempts, and then I came before she could have an orgasm.

That was our first time together. I tried to reason and figure out what happened to me, and we discussed it openly. I emailed her about it again 2 days later. She replied to me in person, concerning that email.

Then, Friday night we showered and I went down on her. I did get 80% erect during our kissing in the bathroom. She had to leave to go to dinner with her husband and friends from out of town, so we didn't have sex.

Finally, Saturday during the day we had sex. I didn't get it up quickly, but after I took the lead and began to be more playful, I was able to get an erection, and we had sex. I came before she did. I thought that we were going to cum simultaniously, but she said, "just a little more, and I would be able to cum" as I slowed my humping and my cock softened.

Last night was our final visit before she left town for xmas. We visited for an hour, and 10 minutes into the visit I admitted that I was stressed out and worried that I would mess up. I told her that I liked being in our arrangement and dating her so much. Basically, I admitted to being insecure and worried. We ended on a decent note, but I felt like our visiting was almost a formality for her before she left town, and on top of that, I was not fun and flirtatous. I was worried.

Now I'm really worried. I should be enriching her life and bringing her fun times. Now, I have a little track record of being insecure and worried.

Can I turn this around and make our relationship fun and secure again?

[xxxboxy]

You're worrying about everyone she's sleeping with when the only thing you need to worry about is...well...nothing. Stop competing. You're in a relationship, not a competition. If she didn't like you and want you for YOU then she wouldn't be there. The sooner you stop competing the sooner she'll get to discover the real you.

[GoNatural]

xxxboxy, thanks for your reply.

I know that I'm not competing with her husband. Though, the other day, 2 days before her I and first had sex, I heard loud wails from her in an increasing crescendo coming from her other secondary's room, and my bedroom is on the opposite side of the house. Yes, that did rock my foundation.

Ironically, I'm very much into cuckold/hotwife fantasies (she is aware of this too, and she is curious), so I've long wanted to be with a woman that had a very good lover that made her see stars.

In fact, I told her 5 weeks ago that I'd like to watch her have sex. 3 weeks ago after a party that she attended with the 3 of us, she said that she wanted me to watch. She asked him when we returned home, but he said that he was tired, and that we all needed to talk about it.

Now, I'm an insecure little puppy. Also, I want to watch him lay her even more now. I'm really frustrated that she may hold back and not do that in the future just because I went through this bout of insecurity. She does know that I heard her whailing. I told her in a cheeful context though. She told me that he heard us screwing too, during my first goofy intercourse experience with her.

Their next date, after he heard us, they didn't have sex. I can't help but wonder if him hearing her with me through him for a loop also, but they may not be the case.

Really, I'm mad at myself for this. I've been able to have sex with swinger women without competing with their husbands, or whoever their past sex partners were, but having feelings for this woman is magnifying things for me. I'm still not conmpeting with her husband, even though he does know how to touch her perfectly, I'm sure.

I've just always been the only extra lover. Now, I'm not the only "other" guy. I do want to make it work though. I really want this to work, but I need to be able to handle my emotions in a healthy way, and in a way that is good for our arrangement.

[DigginIt]

My thoughts are you have too much on your mind. You are WAY over thinking things and most likely, you are your own biggest problem.

It's a new situation for you so it's going to take you some time to adjust. I think xxboxy gave some very sound advice and the thing that I might add is that in a true relationship, a few performance issues is not going to kill it because a relationship should be on a totally different level than the sex.

Having said that, you want the sex to improve because sex is important.

Have you thought about using something like Cialis to help give you that little boost to offset the nervous issues you are encountering? It's not the cure, the cure in your case (I believe) is just in your confidence at this point but it might help you in the short interim.

Sex is one of those things that you get better as you get more comfortable and you learn what your partner likes and dislikes. The other two have an advantage of time on their side. Give yourself some time as well and enjoy the moments you have and just live your life.

[GoNatural]

Originally Posted by DigginIt

My thoughts are you have too much on your mind. You are WAY over thinking things and most likely, you are your own biggest problem.

I AGREE!

Yes, the sex isn't the most important think, but being a confident and flirty lover that can turn on the heat is important.

We do have some things in common that are important to both of us.

My best friend recommeded viagra to me. I wish that I would have used some the first night. We would have been on a roll after that.

I also told her that I get more excited about sex with a partner after I have memmories of sex with that partner. It was one of my excuses as to why I wasn't that aroused the first time, but it has been true for me, even in a long term mono relationship.

I may try to get some Cialis and use it to lay down some good memmories for me to refer to and to build uppon.

[ncmd_couple]

Afternoon Gonatural,

As the others have said, you are over thinking this. Here is my opinion. It isn't your ability to satisfy her, you have demonstrated your abilities with many women in the past. It isn't your ability to keep an erection that is the problem.

The problem is that your hearing her cum so strongly with the other guy has set a high water mark that you are afraid you would not be able to match, or exceed. That you won't be good enough for her to want to continue the relationship.

Sex with each and every partner is different. And not all sexual sessions are the same. Even with long established partners. Sometimes I give my wife a better orgasm than others times. You need to put behind you what you think the other guy is doing that you can't. Stop worrying that you won't be able to satisfy her like he did. Because quite frankly, you can't. You aren't him.

So, what you are going to have to do is be yourself and learn her body and how she likes to be kissed, how she likes to be caressed, how she likes to be licked, and how she likes to be fucked. Just like you have to learn every woman, because they are all different. And you can ask every one of the ladies here, every man is different and is able to satisfy them in slightly different ways.

I will say that the one risk you run with this relationship is to appear weak. The majority of women that I know want a man. They may bitch about us, but they want a man. And I suspect your lady is the same based upon what you have written here. You Tarzan, she Jane. When she gets home from the holidays, pop that little blue pill, and show her you are a confident man and then explore every last inch of her body learning her.

Good Luck!

S

[GoNatural]

Thanks ncmd_couple!

Your are right. I was intimidated. Even though I like the idea of him fucking her so good, and I really watch to watch some day, it intimidated me.

I also agree with you that not every experience is the same, even with the same woman.

My greatest fear this morning was that I had showed too much insecurity last night and lowered my value in her eyes.

[ncmd_couple]

Hey, we all have bad days. Just get your head screwed on straight before you see her again, and be the guy that she found attractive and invited into her life.