How "out" should poly people be?

[JustAskJulie]

Savage Love Letter of the Day | Slog | The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper

Letter from a poly couple looking for advice on how "out" they should be.

[gatorvol64]

Thanks for sharing that. I'm a fan of his. It's actually my intent to tell my family about us this week while most of them are here. Getting them all together to do so is going to be problematic with what each has planned.

[The Fuse]

Good luck Vol! I hope you'll let us know how it went afterwards. I'm a huge fan of Dan Savage and enjoy listening to his podcasts. He's even more entertaining that way than in print.

[TheLorax]

My family knows and has known for many years, long before our triad. Jen's family knows and doesn't approve but only occasionally gives her grief about it and since they live half a continent away it's not a day to day issue. Liz's parents don't know, but her sister and their family does.

All of our close friends know and most of our social circle knows. We don't hide our relationship but we also don't advertise it. Like many things, it isn't really anyone elses business. We're also several sigma away from the norm in a lot of ways though, so being polyamorous is about the least interesting thing about us.

[ncmd_couple]

Gator and Vol, Good luck! I hope that it goes well!

As for the article, and the comments that followed, Hmmmmm....

I have thought about this. If I was in a Poly relationship, I wouldn't hide it, and I wouldn't advertise it either. But if asked, I would tell the truth.

S

[lustylearning]

Let us know how it goes, Gator Vol. May it go better than you hope for!

[The Fuse]

I don't think I should be saying how "out" other poly people should be. Everyone will find their own level of comfort. I would just ask that when the subject of non-monogamy comes up, the closeted poly people not take the coward's path. At least speak up and say something to the effect of "to each their own".

We had another couple living with us for six months. Anyone whose mind was open could have noticed or at least wondered if it was more than just a convenient arrangement. As it is, most people's minds just don't go there. My parents just wondered how we could want someone else living in our house with us. One friend figured us out after a visit and asked me directly if we were swingers. I told him.

If it had lasted, I hope I would not have taken pains to hide our status from others. I don't need to shout it from the rooftops, because most people don't go announcing details about their "vanilla" private lives, so we don't need to either. But anyone who cared to notice wouldn't have been deceived.

[gatorvol64]

Well, I did it, finally. I told my mom and the two of my sisters that are in town this weekend that we are polyamorous. Now, they've met Tech and Kitten before but as our best friends.

I thought, and now know, that some of this was suspected. Knowing my family, I felt if they wanted those suspicions confirmed they would ask me. But, I have been feeling like I was living a lie with them and I just couldn't keep doing that since honesty is so important to me. Truthfully, at the beginning, I just wasn't prepared enough to know how to answer questions they might pose and we have had to work through so many things that I didn't feel confident enough we would make it at times for me to add the additional emotional stress of telling them to what I was already going through.

January will be three years since we all met and I think we've made it to a point that it was more stressful for me not to tell them that it was to do so.

Mom wishes I had just let her suspect. She is, however, good at denial and I feel can soon find herself there again if she needs that to cope. In fact, I told her if it made her feel better to just go back to thinking of them as our best friends because they are. Everyone's main concern is that Gator and I are doing fine as a couple. I understand that. Hopefully, it will eventually be like with our youngest son, and once they see that we are good it won't concern them any more. My sisters didn't have much to say. I have told them that if they come up with questions they'd like to ask I will be happy to answer them.

I was in an odd mood afterwards and just wasn't up to posting about this last night. Today I've decided to just be optimistic about things.

[ncmd_couple]

Vol,

Your family loves you, you are your mother's daughter, and your sisters sister. It is very possible that they will have thoughts about your situation. They may or may not ask you about it later after they have had time to digest what they already suspected.

I any event, they will still love and care about you.

S

[The Fuse]

Hang in there Vol! I've experienced the weird not-quite-letdown but not-much-of-a-relief feeling when you tell someone and their reaction is not anything like what you imagined. It's a bizarre feeling, isn't it? Not quite sure what they think, whether telling them helped anything... if they would just engage on the subject and have a frank exchange, there could be some semi-resolution. But that doesn't necessarily happen, so you still have this... thing.... hanging out there. It's a different tension than you started with, but not necessarily any better.

At least, that's what happened with us. Really, ncmd_couple is right: your family is your family and they love you, even if they don't understand.

Kisses! Go over your blessings and be grateful... please keep checking in.

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Hang in there Vol! I've experienced the weird not-quite-letdown but not-much-of-a-relief feeling when you tell someone and their reaction is not anything like what you imagined. It's a bizarre feeling, isn't it? Not quite sure what they think, whether telling them helped anything... if they would just engage on the subject and have a frank exchange, there could be some semi-resolution. But that doesn't necessarily happen, so you still have this... thing.... hanging out there. It's a different tension than you started with, but not necessarily any better.

At least, that's what happened with us. Really, ncmd_couple is right: your family is your family and they love you, even if they don't understand.

Kisses! Go over your blessings and be grateful... please keep checking in.

Exactly!! Just so I'm clear, they haven't treated me differently since I told them. They do love me and I know that. I know that if things were reverse and one of them had told me this, I'd not love them any less. Knowing me though, I'd have more questions I think. Oh well...

[lustylearning]

Thank you so much for being willing to share your story. Your willingness to be honest is encouraging.

[rpu3]

Thanks for the article, Julie, and thanks, Vol, for sharing your story. I hope you'll keep us updated.

As to the article, I'm with NCMD in that I'll be honest if asked directly about my other relationship, and with The Fuse in that it's not my place to say how "out" another should be.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by gatorvol64

I was in an odd mood afterwards and just wasn't up to posting about this last night. Today I've decided to just be optimistic about things.

Thanks for sharing Vol. I think the the mixed emotions one feels after having that kind of conversation with family over a difficult issue is a completely normal. When the subject is very important to you on a deep level, but they fail to engage enough to even ask questions, then it's hard to know what to think. There's relief that it was finally brought out, but a sense of unfinished business too since it wasn't really discussed. There's also relief that it didn't turn into an ugly argument, but also a sense that if it would have, at least there would have been some form of two-way communication.

Hang in there. They love you, you love them, and they'll just take this piece of information in, chew on it a while in their own mind and in their own way, then you will very likely find nothing really has changed between y'all.

[gatorvol64]

I guess I haven't addressed the article...

When meeting new people, we don't try to hide our relationship at all. It's a case of this is my life now. If you want to know me, this is part of who I am. Letting family and others who knew us previously know about this is the hardest. If any of those ask, of course, I will not lie about it.

At this point, my children and my mom and all but one of my sisters know. Except for Gator's parents and siblings, those are the most important people I want to know. I told my family that I do not care which of the extended family on my side knows now that I have told them. Really, I'm getting the attitude of "Do you really think this is the worst thing I could have done with my life?".

How "out" a person should be is up to them and what they are comfortable with. I would hope that they are comfortable enough to not lie if asked directly. Or to even say "Let others live their life" if the topic comes up in general.