Trying to understand

[tgail54]

Help I am trying to understand poly, my husband says he is polyamourous, what exactly does that mean? We just got back into the swinging lifestyle after a long break and though we have not had a lot of experiences I do have questions and at times do not understand my own feelings.
We have been with two couples both not real great experiences, won't see them again. We have hooked up with 2 men, one meeting ok the other great, I felt very comfortable and enjoyed it. Now a single woman has contacted us and I know that is rare. My husband wants to be with her and I am not real sure how I feel about her. I hate to deny him since he has been so fantastic and into the threesomes with the two gentleman. Alot of confusion here and not sure where to go from here. I have been completely honest with him and he knows how I feel. Am I being selfish or jealous, I honestly don't know since my experiences with this limited? Any and all advice is welcome.
Thanks

[rpu3]

Help I am trying to understand poly, my husband says he is polyamourous, what exactly does that mean?

Polyamory could be defined as the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and free consent of everyone involved.

Poly is not the same as swinging, and you'll find there are as many definitions of poly as there are for swinging, so don't be surprised if you do receive some divergent definitions.

I think it's more important to ask your husband to give you HIS definition of polyamory.

Before addressing the remainder of your questions, can you advise what your spouse means about being polyamorous? And how does his declaration of poly relate to this new single female, i.e., is he looking for a separate romantic relationship with the single female?

Hope to hear more from you.

[VegasLee]

If you are being honest with him about your feelings then you are not being selfish.

Just because you are in the Lifestyle does not mean you have to try everything there is.

If you are not comfortable with something, honestly explain it to him and he should live with it. Just the way it is.

Your relationship should always come before some limited cheap thrills.

rpu3 gave you some great advice and information when it comes to a poly relationship.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Vegas is completely, absolutely and unequivocally correct. I had much more sexual experience than Ed, the man I married. In any Swing experience, if I suggested anything and I felt he was either confused or uncomfortable about it, I simply choose not to pursue it. Our marriage is first and foremost and I could never jeopardize our trust and partnership to attain a sexual thrill. I say this even if I felt he 'owed me one'. Sexual exploration should never be about bartering. It should never be one partner getting one thing so the other partner can get another thing. This is supposed to be a shared exploration. I have seen nothing but problems when it isn't.

[M1F2KTJ]

Originally Posted by tgail54

Help I am trying to understand poly, my husband says he is polyamourous, what exactly does that mean? We just got back into the swinging lifestyle after a long break and though we have not had a lot of experiences I do have questions and at times do not understand my own feelings.
We have been with two couples both not real great experiences, won't see them again. We have hooked up with 2 men, one meeting ok the other great, I felt very comfortable and enjoyed it. Now a single woman has contacted us and I know that is rare. My husband wants to be with her and I am not real sure how I feel about her. I hate to deny him since he has been so fantastic and into the threesomes with the two gentleman. Alot of confusion here and not sure where to go from here. I have been completely honest with him and he knows how I feel. Am I being selfish or jealous, I honestly don't know since my experiences with this limited? Any and all advice is welcome.
Thanks

Polyamourous means loving more than one person equally. There are only going to be problems if you or the other woman want your husband's love exclusively. Your husband had sex with someone he has fallen in love with. They made a connection. Now he is asking you to share his love with both of you. The positive side of your situation is now you have an opportunity to explore as many other males as you want to find your own polyamourous relationship since he is so open minded. You are a lucky woman.

[ncmd_couple]

Originally Posted by M1F2KTJ

Polyamourous means loving more than one person equally. There are only going to be problems if you or the other woman want your husband's love exclusively. Your husband had sex with someone he has fallen in love with. They made a connection. Now he is asking you to share his love with both of you. The positive side of your situation is now you have an opportunity to explore as many other males as you want to find your own polyamourous relationship since he is so open minded. You are a lucky woman.

M1F2KTJ,

The original post indicated that the single woman has contacted them, not that they have had any play time. So based upon the original post, I don’t see that there is any basis for your reply. I have Poly tendencies; I can, and do, love more than one woman, though the other woman, not my wife, and I do not have at this time a sexual relationship. Nor do I believe that we will ever have more of an a relationship than we do at this point.

The OP’s husband has expressed the ability to love more than one woman; therefore he has classified himself as Poly. That is not an indicator that he has written her a blank check to seek out other male partners. Nor has she indicated that that is her desire.

I think that she is looking for insight on what this means for him to be “Poly” and how that will affect their relationship.

S

[WesternSwing]

It sounds to me like what you are proposing is still swinging, just solo, since polyamory is having multiple, intimate relationships at the same time. These are relationships that go past just sex and into real emotions between the parties involved. So unless something like that happens, where he starts to fall in love with another woman as well as you, you are still swinging and haven't moved into polyamory territory yet.

Mr. WS

[lovinher]

I get the feeling he would not have said he is polyamourous unless he already had somebody in mind.

[ncmd_couple]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I get the feeling he would not have said he is polyamourous unless he already had somebody in mind.

Lovinher,

Not necessarily. For me, it was a frustration with society in that it was ok to love my kids, my wife, my family, all at the same time, but no other. I have more than one woman in my life that I can honestly say that I love. But I was required to turn my back on my feelings for them just because "I can only love one woman at one time." My exploration of why I felt this way was rewarded by reading an article on Poly one evening which lead to further research. So, I can say that I am poly even though I only have one relationship with one woman. I hope that makes sense. I discovered that I was poly without having a possible future relationship in mind at the time.

S

[**Macbeth**]

The way that I look at Polyamory has several facets.

First, it means that each partner is free to have full, deep relationships in addition to the relationship they have with their partner. This does not necessarily mean they will be the same type of relationship, just that it will be something more than just a regular sexual encounter, if sex even comes into it.

Second, each partner honestly and sincerely desires their partner to be be fulfilled in every aspect of their life. There is not a belief or an expectation that one or the other is looking for something that the other does not provide, but rather that they are wanting to have the freedom to experience every relationship in their life as fully as it can be.

Communication is every bit, if not more, important in this type of relationship as it is in 'Swinging' relationship. Since you are dealing with much more than simply sexual gratification, there are many pitfalls that can lead to envy or jealousy (two very different feelings, BTW), hurt, anger, or any other gamut of emotions. You have to both be on exactly the same page. This is definitely not something to enter into out of deference to your partner. If you do not truly believe in it, it will only lead to pain.

Talk to him, in detail, about what he thinks a poly relationship is, and why he believes this is one he wants to pursue.

That said, poly means what you want it to mean, and the two of you have to come to an understanding and acceptance of that.