Swingers, Could you be open to poly?

[JustAskJulie]

For those who are currently swingers and are not in poly type relationships, do you think you could ever consider doing so? What would keep you from doing considering it? What would allow you to consider it?

There is often talk here about "falling in love with a swing partner" and how to avoid it, yet it seems that that is exactly what happens for many of the couples who end up in poly type relationships. In most cases they weren't seeking it and would have done their best to avoid it, but it happened and after talking about it with all parties, instead of closing the door and walking away they chose to see where it went. Do you feel you could do that?

[NCfuncouple98]

No. But for a good reason.

There was a single male we had played with, that was also a very close friend. When Mr NC went out of town for a week last October, this friend was over every day making sure me and the kids were ok, and even went on the camping trip with us that was already scheduled and paid for.

It was then that I first found the word "poly", and looked into it, and wondered, "Why not?" Well, Mr NC was extremely uncomfortable with the whole idea, even after reading some of the same stories/articles that I had. He didn't get it. When it started to strain our relationship ever so slightly, I realized it, closed the door, and never looked back.

Since then Mr NC and I have grown closer, our relationship is stronger and we have both agreed that we are only interested in swinging, and no long-term relationships. Long-term friendship with another couple, maybe, but that's our limit.

We also agree that should either one of us face that again, we won't wait so long to address it. He saw it happening, but wasn't sure how far it would go so he waited a bit before he confronted it.

I believe someone else on this board has stated "At the first sign of attachment, the door is closed and no more playing". I just can't remember if that was bbarnsworth or slevin or mrklin (sorry guys, I know it's one of you!). But I really liked that advice, for us. And it's up to me, or him, to notice any signs of the other "falling" or getting too close. We're just not in a place where we want anything poly, we just want to play and have some fun, but leave it at that. We love where our relationship is, and we don't want to change it.

Mrs NC

[SexyRedmondCpl]

We've definately talked a lot about this. For us the issue is not so much one of jealousy or emotional exclusivity, but one of time. We barely find playtime as it is. Can't even imagine trying to manage multiple relationships. Of course, that may be based on an extremely naieve view of how poly really works - if so, hopefully someone will educate us.

[LFM2]

Dave and I have talked about this on several different occasions. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of a poly relationship much like the vanillas who have a hard time wrapping their head around swinging. Maybe if I read up on it more, it would make more sense.

I don't berate others for their poly relationships. I'm pretty much a "to each their own" type of attitude and if it works for them, more power to them. But, I don't think it would work in our house. We're simply not willing to share each other that much. Does that make sense?

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by NCfuncouple98

I believe someone else on this board has stated "At the first sign of attachment, the door is closed and no more playing". I just can't remember if that was bbarnsworth or slevin or mrklin (sorry guys, I know it's one of you!). But I really liked that advice, for us. And it's up to me, or him, to notice any signs of the other "falling" or getting too close. We're just not in a place where we want anything poly, we just want to play and have some fun, but leave it at that. We love where our relationship is, and we don't want to change it. Mrs NC

Not sure about slevin and mrklin, but it definitely applies to us. It's an unchangeable rule for us. If either of us feels our selves emotionally slipping towards someone beyond platonic friendship, it's cold turkey quit time...no last flings, no meet for lunch one more time or anything. Be polite and courteous to the person/couple involved, but drop them and move on.

We both recognize that it is virtually impossible not to develop some fondness for someone you have sex with over and over and over again. I've told my wife you can have sex with another guy a hundred times, every day if you want, as much as you want. But, our rules are it does not come at the expense of our relationship, and while friendship is fine, romantic interest is not.

Would we consider poly? No. That's in no way a censure of those who are poly. I think it's wonderful there are poly people. I was briefly in a poly triad in the year leading up to meeting my now wife. It didn't go very far, but it opened my eyes and made me understand that poly relationships can be very stable and rewarding.

I don't believe people are capable of loving just one person and one person only. It's absurd on the face of it. You love MANY people in your life, in many different ways. Your heart is certainly capable of loving more than one person in a romantic sense.

However, I actively choose not to share my wife in that way, and she feels the same. It's highly doubtful that will ever change. If it does change, it would have to wait until the kids are out on their own, and it would most likely be an MFM triad.

[The Fuse]

We have been open to poly in the past. We could be again. It has been a rough road in some ways, but personally I think affection and love are so precious in this life that I would have a lot of trouble rejecting it when it came along.

[CXXC]

I only have my view and our agreement to use in my reply to this.

First, I would have to say that Poly is an absolutely AMAZING thing. If there was aonther individual(s) in the world whith which I could feel as I do with Mrs. CXXC, I would not know what to do with myself. That possiblity scares the hell out of me as well.

There may well be another person out there to which I could feel emotionally connected to in such a way as to share my heart as I do with Mrs. CXXC. FRIGHTENING! The fact that MRs. CXXC could fall in love with another is equally frightening to me. I truly don't know if and or how I would deal with it.

We have agreed that if one or the other begins to feel pulled toward a playmate in an emotional way, we cut the connection. We can not EVER see them, contact them, communicate with them again. We are simpl;y ill prepared to deal with or understand the workings of that type of relationship.

I say this now, but tomorrow, who knows. I just know that we dont have enough information to understand the poly relationship.

Again, it is an awesome ability to love more than one so completely. It would be an even greater trick in my mind to pull it off. But, in my ignorance and present fear, I cannot willingly accept it.

[JTcamp05]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

, but personally I think affection and love are so precious in this life that I would have a lot of trouble rejecting it when it came along.

Thats very true, sometimes its about opening your heart and mind. We have not had a polly relationship yet have no intrest in "preventing" natural feelings that may come our way. We will handel them respectfully like an adult should.

[good times]

For us it is a time thing. We don't have as much quality time for each other as we would like, we would never have enough time to devote to a third person.

[Chicup]

Generally I see poly as talked about and practiced as a lie.

Once you start talking about the primary relationship, I see it as only swinging with the same partner repeatedly.

We have a couple we have been playing with since we started. I can honestly say I love her and I can say we are no where near poly. Its a non-entangling love. I love her as she is for what she is, but no butterflies, no protectionism, none of the usual 'love' aspects.

Now to all things their can be exceptions and exceptional people. I think a real poly relationship where everyone loved everyone together would be great, and I'm sure some people have pulled this off, and I'm a little envious.

What I see though is mostly stable harems and short term triads.

[Oleg&Lena]

I suppose poly relationships can be suit for us in future. And there are the reasons why I think so.
We noted that the best swinging parties we have had when the attraction between participants had been very strong. And the more was attraction the better was swinging.
I think it because of woman become more sexual when she feel passion for her partner.
Also the moments of swinging experiences when my wife leave one on one with her partner were more excite ones for me than we were altogether.
I think it happen because of psychic of men. The pictures we imagine are more excite than ones we see.
Although I must say I like to observe my wife when we have swinging too. That is this way and another….
I understand that poly relationships mean to fall in love with somebody but believe that it is not the same as love inside couple.
Besides we suppose the swinging have large borders in mind different persons and different couples realize swinging differently and sometimes swinging is very close to poly.

[Chitowndk4u]

We've had close relationships with her friends that could be borderline poly, just without the sexual aspect.

We hung out, went places, stayed in and watched movies, and even slept in the same bed with at least two of her friends.

One of them we had same room sex with, but there was no swapping of partners. I grew closer to her friends as a result and when i would buy something like flowers for my wife (then GF) I would buy the same for her as well. She was always at our place,s o it was like we were all together. She grew close to me and we had sex and that's when the complication came in. it totally ruined our friendship and theirs which hasn't been repaired yet and this was 8 years ago.

So all I could say is be careful.

I think it is a good thing if you can handle it.

[IvoryTowers]

Originally Posted by Chicup

We have a couple we have been playing with since we started. I can honestly say I love her and I can say we are no where near poly. Its a non-entangling love. I love her as she is for what she is, but no butterflies, no protectionism, none of the usual 'love' aspects.

I don't quite see why "non-entangling love...for what she is" is not real love or wouldn't count somehow as poly. We moved from swinging to poly because for both of us (but especially me, Mrs. Ivory) sex without an emotional connection wasn't appealing. However, that doesn't mean we're looking for someone to move into our house and share every moment of our lives.

We are open to pretty much any level below that, from friends with benefits to long term lover. So far, there hasn't been any jealousy or fear as we've pursued connections, nor has it made us feel distant or separated (quite the opposite in fact). But then, ever since our relationship started, we've each had close friends of both sexes (our wedding party was gender mixed on both sides). So we're used to having emotional ongoing relationships with people of the opposite sex, and thanks to swinging we're comfortable with non-monogamy. Mixing the sex and the emotions seemed like a natural step and so far has been quite successful for us both.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by IvoryTowers

I don't quite see why "non-entangling love...for what she is" is not real love or wouldn't count somehow as poly. We moved from swinging to poly because for both of us (but especially me, Mrs. Ivory) sex without an emotional connection wasn't appealing. However, that doesn't mean we're looking for someone to move into our house and share every moment of our lives.

Some could call it poly but its not what I would consider poly. My feelings for my wife are completely different.

For me poly would be an near equal love, otherwise is just being really good friends.

[IvoryTowers]

Okay, but just realize that your definition is much more strict than the one most people accept and use. The one I've heard most often is simply "having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of all parties."

That says nothing about the depth of the intimacy or feelings, the living arrangements, the length of the relationship, or the kind of love.

I don't think it's fair, as you did in your first post, to say that people who don't use your definition are "lying" about being poly, since your definition is the outlier. I'm not saying you have to accept the standard definition and/or call yourself poly. I just prefer not to be called a liar.