Swingers, Could you be open to poly?

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I think the crux is what is a romantic relationship. I don't think many versions of what people call 'poly' applies.

Well, you probably have me there. People just don't pay attention to any definitions in the dictionary, do they? And everyone, here and on the poly forum I belong to, will sometimes disagree on things.

I consider myself in a romantic relationship with two men (I looked up the definition for those two words as well). I don't try to call it poly to make it sound better. I'm not ashamed to be a swinger or have sex just for the sake of sex. And I work as hard to maintain one relationship as I do the other. I do question my sanity sometimes when they are both being an ass at the same time.

Vol

[IvoryTowers]

Mr. Ivory here. I keep hearing the phrase "equal love" here, and I don't think that's the way most poly people think about love. In order for me to be poly, I don't have to be in a romantic relationship with someone other than Mrs. Ivory and whom I love as much as I love Mrs. Ivory. That's crazy. Every love relationship is different, and no level of love is more or less valid than any other.

The defining characteristic of poly is simply that poly couples allow for the possibility of multiple love relationships beyond the primary one. These relationships may or may not include sex. This, I think, answers Chicup's question about the difference between a long-term swing partner and a poly secondary, teritary, etc.

I think a lot of people accept the mono-normative notion that one can only really have one "true" love, and that one person must devote all of his love to that one person in order for it to be "real" love. So the idea becomes that loving another person must diminish the love one has for his primary. But we don't apply this standard to other kinds of love. If a couple has a second child, they don't have to tap into the limited pool of love for the first child and fish out some love for the second (thereby loving the first child less). They just manufacture some more love.

Poly is the same way. I love Mrs. Ivory. If I meet someone else whom I also love, then I'll create some more love. I'll still love Mrs. Ivory just as much. I'll just love that other person as well. Yes, I'm capable of that much love. Understanding this concept is key to understanding poly.

[Rahul_Neekita]

To handle such thing becomes nearly impossible and too cumbersome for anyone. So, It is okay and advisable, while being the best, affirmed, loyal with our partner and have sex(Only) with as many as we can without attaching ourselves emotionally. And after all we don't think that one type of emotion, feeling may be devided successfully at all in Poly.

[mysticon]

I find the topic of polyamory very interesting, and think it's cool when people make it work for them. I think it's great that people can have that level of security and trust among each other, or with the person they are in a "primary" relationship with. I can't say that I would never be open to a poly relationship, since I do like that level of freedom; but not exactly sure it would be for me at this point. For one thing, I highly doubt my fiance would be comfortable, with me also being in love with someone else. I think I may also have some feelings of insecurity, that might surface; if the situation ever came up. I might wonder if he loved her more than me, or my fiance may wonder the same thing; if I was in love with another guy.

When I think of a polyamorous relationship, I think of people being in love with more than one person at once; and also usually think of people sharing a household- and other aspects of their lives. This may be a limited view, because I'm sure there's plenty of different ways someone could be polyamorous; but I just don't know much about the subject. I do find that level of freedom very intriguing though, and know that someone can love more than one person at once; and still truely love and care about each person.

[tiger4play]

My husband and I have been in both kinds of relationships...he could be in another poly relationship, but not me. I have found it VERY common that when seeking out other couples either one or the other is not compatible with either hubbie or myself. He will like the woman and I am not sure about the guy, and vice versa! I have heard that it is a rare thing to find a matching couple.

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by tiger4play

My husband and I have been in both kinds of relationships...he could be in another poly relationship, but not me. I have found it VERY common that when seeking out other couples either one or the other is not compatible with either hubbie or myself. He will like the woman and I am not sure about the guy, and vice versa! I have heard that it is a rare thing to find a matching couple.

Well, it's hard to find another couple to just have sex with. Adding more than that would make it more difficult by far.

And being part of the poly "world", I can say quads aren't heard of as frequently as triads and such.

[dulciprajna]

Originally Posted by Chicup

For me poly would be an near equal love, otherwise is just being really good friends.

Originally Posted by Chicup

Generally I see poly as talked about and practiced as a lie.

I think to really answer this question, Poly needs a solid definition. Poly is a catchall for anything outside of general swinging. Chicup, I have to say that I and my wife are on the fence on this idea, but your last quote there was borderline offense to me. I am not offended, of course, as these are the internetz and Lord knows I have heard and seen far far worse.

My definition of the poly relationship is where both a strong emotional and sexual bond occurs in at least one person with multiple partners in full consent and knowledge of partners at the same time. Sometimes poly will be of a group where all have a strong emotional and sexual bond with each other, and some are polygynous or polyandrous where many individuals have a strong sexual and emotional bond to one person, but only an emotional bond between each other. In any case the bonding between all forms a family.

No such group is setup w/o a pecking order, though. The ideal might be near equal love, but the reality is, this is not possible for multiple reasons. 1) we are not all the same, therefore the love one would have for the other is dependent on how we mesh and this is unique to each relationship -AND- 2) Sorry, but groups naturally fall into alphas, betas, on down to omegas. Humans organize themselves that way naturally in any situation. Therefore I would think that equal love would fail to actually occur.

Of the poly relationships I have seen work (one triad, one couple/couple), they definitely were a "family" in both cases, but there was a pecking order. I think this would be poly, as they supported one another, spent most of their times together, etc etc.

I just don't think its possible to extend the ideals a one on one relationship into a group ideal. There is an order of pecking, and I think that would imply that the love cannot be equal and never can be completely achieved.

What do I know, though. I have never actually participated in such a relationship. This ideal does intrigue my wife and I, though.

[couplers]

Hi, this is Petra. I see swinging as giving your partner the gift of being able to have sex with others, nothing demanded in return. Polymory is giving your partner the gift of being able to love someone else with nothing demanded in return. What makes my relationships work is both my partners' true love for me demonstrated by their willingness to accept the fact that I love both of them, and that I can express it. Especially David who became my husband, took me as I was, a woman still caring deeply and in love with a boyfriend. Many here, especially guys, have said that they enjoy seeing their partners deriving pleasure from sex with someone else and at that moment feel great love for her or him. My husband goes one step better because he shares and encourages the joy I get from my emotional attachment to Red. Your spouse letting you have sex with someone else is nothing compared to mine letting me kiss my bf on the cheek and tell him, "I love you."

[cocpl2007]

So what happens when sex and love blend, is this what everyone here is talking about with “Poly”? It does seem, personally, quite difficult to imagine having another “love” partner in addition to my wife. There are those here who thrive in just such a relationship. Are there married couples here, in a “Poly” relationship with another married couple?

While we are no longer interested in encounters which involve only one time together, embracing a “poly” relationship is not something either of us would be interested in developing. Having other play partners, with whom we enjoy encounters, apart from swinging encounters is our preference.

Our answer to the question: “Swingers, could you be open to poly?” is no.

[DigginIt]

Mrs. Diggs and I have been together for 12 years. We have been through tough times (and still have them now and then) that have tried and tested our relationship. You don't get to 8, 10, 15, 20 years of marriage without trials and tribulations.

So, to the question of Poly? It is fascinating.

I could easily find myself emotionally connected to someone I'm swinging with. Mrs. Diggs and I are very intimate with the couples we play with. Yes there is very primal sex at points but there is also very passionate and tender moments of connection that are also achieved during play. Anyone experiencing these moments have to be affected emotionally on some scale.

I read somewhere, in a magazine that the same hormones that are contributed to producing the 'lust' we experience when we are first falling in love are the same hormones that are produced during psychotic behavior, lol. Often over time, it subsides and is no longer produced like it is when you first met because that 'intrigue' period is gone. It's replaced with lasting memories and for the right couples a true and meaningful love.

Are we too easily distracted by this emotional connection to confuse it and interpret it as 'love'? I think many do. It can be confusing and irrational but I don't think it's love. I love my wife for who she is and who we have become over years of intimacy that I don't believe will be pushed easily aside. Again, maybe we are flirting with disaster. Ask me next year.

Could we let someone in for a period of 'poly' like time with someone, maybe, but in the long run I'm afraid it would only reveal itself to be what it truly was which would be just passing fascination coupled with intrigue and attraction. Not love.

[ncmd_couple]

Polyamory is like anything else. What it means to an individual or couple will necessarily be different from another. Polyamory is about love and relationships. It does not define those relationships.

I am in a Poly relationship under that definition. There are two different women that I love and care about other than my wife. One predates my meeting my wife, the other I met through her. Is my relationship with them sexual? No, it is not. That is life, and I will not abandon my caring about them just because I’m not sleeping with them.

In traditional relationships as defined by “normal” society, I would have to abandon and ignore my love for them. So poly is what it is for you.

S

[interested-05]

The question has a wide variety of variables involved. Am I capable of truly loving more than on person at a time, yes. am i able to deal with the all the bs, that more than one at a time can create?
Do I have enough time to meet the needs of more than one? Will I offend the one while meeting the needs of the other. What happens when I am caught in the middle of an unresolvable issue between the others?
I have a few friends I really care for. Does this mean I love them? Yes in some ways I do, but there is only so much of me to go around. Which is why my wife is the center of my Love, and my friends are a peripheral love which I enjoy being with. Maybe doing everything including sex, but when it comes time to fall asleep and wake up with everyday, I have one and that is fulfillment enough.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by ncmd_couple

In traditional relationships as defined by “normal” society, I would have to abandon and ignore my love for them.

I'd say "tradition" would be its fine to love someone else too, in fact its romanticized a bit, a leftover of chivalrous love. Society loves tragedy.

Society only gets in your face when you decide to let your naughty bits rub.

[DiscreetDesires]

Could we be open to poly? Yes.
Are we actively searching for it? No.

We attempted a poly relationship a little more than a year ago, and while it did bring about a little fear on my part, I was willing to overcome those fears, because I believe the outcome could be very rewarding.
That relationship actually failed due to other circumstances, but glad that we took the plunge together to open ourselves up in that way for one another.

I actually stumbled across the term poly by accident and began reading up on it and realized that poly was what I was, but I never knew a name for it.
I have always enjoyed relationships with both male and females whether they were seperated or intersected. I let it be known when Mr. Discreet and I first started dating that he would most likely not be the only love in my life, and he accepted this. I just didn't know the term poly back then.

If we happen to cross that bridge again, it will be talked about between the two of us, but I believe that we are both very open to the possibility, but we aren't going to actively search for it.
As it happens, Mr. Discreet and myself found each other when we were both least expecting it and not looking.. so sometimes it's just best to let go of expectations and enjoy the ride. Oftentimes, it's best not knowing whats around the bend, and ohhh do I love surprises!


~ Mrs. Discreet

[experienced]

Originally Posted by IvoryTowers

Poly is the same way. I love Mrs. Ivory. If I meet someone else whom I also love, then I'll create some more love. I'll still love Mrs. Ivory just as much. I'll just love that other person as well. Yes, I'm capable of that much love. Understanding this concept is key to understanding poly.

Yes. Exactly. Its not like you have a finite supply of love.

Originally Posted by gatorvol64

Well, it's hard to find another couple to just have sex with. Adding more than that would make it more difficult by far.

And being part of the poly "world", I can say quads aren't heard of as frequently as triads and such.

My husband and I have been swinging for 15 years together and found a couple that we consider our boyfriend and girlfriend...and they happen to be married to each other. The first night we hung out with them we all knew we had something special with them. We've been with them for a year now..we still swing but we do it all together. I go out on dates with my boyfriend.....my husband takes salsa lessons with his girlfriend. So far its all working for us. I love my husband more than life itself. I love my boyfriend but its a different love. I have 17 years with my husband and a family...boyfriend is important and special to me but its not the same by any means.

Originally Posted by cocpl2007

So what happens when sex and love blend, is this what everyone here is talking about with “Poly”? It does seem, personally, quite difficult to imagine having another “love” partner in addition to my wife. There are those here who thrive in just such a relationship. Are there married couples here, in a “Poly” relationship with another married couple?

Had someone said to me a few years ago we (husband and I) would be involved with another couple I would have told them no f'n way. This is not something we ever looked for...and to be honest I'd probably would have advised people in the lifestyle not to do it....but now my mindset has changed a bit. I do feel like we have to explain ourselves to other lifestyle friends (they all thought we're nuts) but they all hang out with us and have fun so they can see that clearly it IS working for us. How long will it last? Thats a whole 'nother question.LOL