Okay, here goes!

[twoforone100]

Well we have a couple that we are very close to as well.. It was open and clear communication that got us past the point of swing friends to friends.... They have since moved south and almost every day it breaks our hearts......it is funny the times we remember most are the times we were not playing. It is very, very rare for four people to click that well together.. It is special.. but everyone is on different paths....


Advice if you chose to listen.. always talk... in person... I need to be able to hear, see, feel what the person is saying to me... Ask.... everything in life can be lost.... accept that and move forward... work to make sure it does not happen... but what you can't do is keep everything locked in a vault.


Let me know if it helps........

[pants_1]

Polyamory? What, like, two girlfriends? was a helpful link when I was trying to pick apart some of the thoughts that led me to post originally. Again, thanks to rpu3 for sharing. I'd recommend it to people who wish to research poly further.

Thanks, lusty... this something I think I need to look at right now.

everything in life can be lost.... accept that and move forward... work to make sure it does not happen...

But my question, twofour, would be "how do you know what you shouldn't lose?" That's the trillion dollar question, isn't it?

[ncmd_couple]

Jon,

I don’t know what it is that your wife “gave up” when she married you. Polyamory isn’t about sex. It is about loving and caring for more than one person. I have no friggin’ clue where your wife is coming from, and honestly, her participation here might be a help to you. So, not knowing where she is coming from, I’m going to tell you where I’m coming from. Fortunately, I wrote this all down before, so let me go find it. Ok, I post too much here, but I found it. Here is the link.

What Brings People to Poly

Read it then you will know where I’m coming from. What did your wife give up when she married you? Did she just give up having multiple sex partners? Or did she have people in her life that she loved and cared about that she had to ignore those feelings about because she was now married? If it was her personal attachments, that is a poly issue. If it was just having sex with others, then that is a swinging issue, and one that you two need to come to grips with together openly and honestly. Good luck and we will be here to support you as much as we can.

S

[pants_1]

ncmd_couple,

I replied to your post a little on the other thread, but I wanted to put a small comment here as well.

I don't think our relationship is really a candidate for polyamory, because, according to my wife, she doesn't feel love in "that way" anyway. But what she wants is close, in that she wants to "have her cake and eat it too." She wants the sedate, reliable, caring, sensitive father and husband who will always be there for her, and she wants the rough-and-tumble, hard-body bad boy to go crazy with every once in a while. That's my take, anyway.

My first girlfriend asked for this explicitly, but in that case, it was just a stage in breaking up. Also, knowing that my wife doesn't really love me, in addition to being willing to hurt me to get what she wants, makes the situation a little different. But she is still my best friend, and the mother of my child...

Your story is very interesting, especially since it is a work-in-progress. I am very sympathetic. Having seen a lot of failed relationships, I would be concerned for you about your efforts to set up an "alternative life" to move to. The problem I've seen in my first girlfriends' entire family, the matron of honor from my wedding, my mother-in-law, and half the female student body of Texas Tech University, is that it becomes a pattern. The person puts so much into a relationship, probably more than they should. Sometimes they adopt the lifestyle and habits of their SO, even changing the way they think to conform. Then they start to feel that they are put upon. They give and give, being more and more selfless. They start to build a sense of entitlement. Eventually, that entitlement justifies cheating; the marriage is "dead," so they have every right to move on. So they develop a new situation somewhere else, set everything up, and then just up and move into it with little or no warning. When this happens repeatedly, it is the worst form of serial monogamy.

Does this sound like your situation? It's beginning to sound like mine. Ironic, since my wife grew up in the shadow of this, and it is the one thing she swore never to do!

[ncmd_couple]

Jon,

No, that wasn't or isn't my situation. What I posted there was an event in life that taught me alot about myself and it was over two years ago. Since then, I have married the woman that I was going to leave and we are very happy together.

As for the situation that you find with your wife. Love is a tricky term and what she thinks it means will have a lot to do with how the concept of love was communicated to her. In other words. She is not able to attain the level of "love" that she thinks it should be, therefore, "she can not love like that." But that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. She just loves you in her own way.

No one is perfect, I sure as hell am not! So the decision that the two of you have to come together on is whether you can accept each other as you are and live happily with each other. Or you can't. If she cares about you and loves you in her own way, but likes to step out every once in a while for a little strange, is that something you can accept. If it is, then that is ok. If it isn't, then that is ok also.

S

[pants_1]

ncmd couple,

I am really happy it worked out that way for you! That is wonderful!

I do know that she loves me. I think maybe my problem is more that she's willing to hurt me. The scenario I laid out is very much what I'm afraid of here. Which also means that, in some ways, her love for me and our son may be holding her back. that stinks too.

But you are right, that is the 3 trillion dollar question. Along with "can I trust her again," and "will she consider some kind of counseling?" But first, when she comes home, is she still committed to the plan?

Again, much appreciated!

[ncmd_couple]

Jon,

Everyone is selfish. The key is to acknowledge that we are selfish and understand how that impacts our decisions. People come up with all kinds of excuses for doing what they do, but the bottom line is they did it because they wanted to.

In this case, your wife has gone on this trip because she wanted to. The reality is, even if she wasn't very gentle and understanding in the way she did it, she did do it within the rules that the two of you set. So in reality, she didn't violate your trust. And I think that is an important thing to remember. Yes, she was got to trot and thoughtless, but she did it within the rules at the time. You need to keep that in mind when you doubt your ability to trust her. As long as the rules are open, honest, and something that both of you can live within, you can probably trust her. Something to consider.

S

[pants_1]

I feel like we might be hijacking this thread here...

ncmd_couple, you are correct that we didn't have a "no means no" rule, and therefore she didn't violate the rules.

It is the way in which she has gone about this that worries me. The rushed, single-minded pursuit of a very dangerous situation, the rationalizations, the lies, the fact that she placed greater importance on a stranger's feelings than her husband's. Her behaviour is uncharacteristic to say the least. That is the issue.

[ncmd_couple]

Jon,

At this point, I'm am not concerned about hijacking the thread, hey, I"m a moderator in this forum, the main thing is helping you deal with an issue that is happening in real time.

S

[twoforone100]

Jon.. That I can not say... the answer was directed at lusty...

[lustylearning]

Well... after all the progress that was made since my original post (and you guys would be so proud of me), job obligations kick in, and soon I'll be faced with a different sort of challenge. But that is a post for another day...

Thank you all again for the encouragement to be open. It wasn't near as painful as I thought it would be. In fact, it was sort of a cleansing experience.

[pants_1]

Lusty,

Your courage is an inspiration. Glad it worked out, but I'm even more glad you tried. You have a lot to be proud of!

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by twoforone100

Advice if you choose to listen.. always talk... in person... I need to be able to hear, see, feel what the person is saying to me... Ask.... everything in life can be lost.... accept that and move forward... work to make sure it does not happen... but what you can't do is keep everything locked in a vault.


Let me know if it helps........

Twoforone, I'm glad I reread this. I am impatient and needed to hear this... again.

[gatorvol64]

Lusty, I'm sorry I've failed to see this sooner. I try to check this forum as much as possible.

I feel for you and I understand you. You've already been given the first link I would have sent you to myself. That site and the book Opening Up are two of the first resources I see recommended to people first coming to poly. Guy that put that site up also has a blog I enjoy reading.

If you find you are in need of talking to a poly person, feel free to contact me. If you find you want some more poly resources to check out, please do the same.

I wish you luck. I, myself, am much slower to open up to people than my husband is but once I do, once I love you, it isn't a half-way thing.

Vol

[Miss Sunshine]

Can you tell us about the best sex night with them?