I kissed a girl and I liked it! Now ???'s

[IndulgeNDivulge]

*NOTE* I am SO sorry, this small time post has turned into a novel! lol (I want everyone to get all the facts though as I need real advice at the end)


Hi Everyone,

I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas!

I don't believe that I have introduced us yet. I am L and my husband is D, we live in California and have been together for almost 8 years.

I am absolutely thrilled to have found this site because we have had many questions about the "lifestyles" and have actually found some answers on here!

It's also good to see that we aren't the only ones out here with those questions!

Here is our situation, if you will...

We started talking about swinging a couple of years ago and never have gone through with it because I wanted and still want to get as much information as I can about the lifestyle.

We have a mutual friend that we have re-connected with and on Halloween all three of us went out. Her and I had a lot to drink and it just so happened that she was dressed as a robber and I was dressed as a cop (purely coincidental). Well, earlier on in the evening when the night was still young, we were all talking and she mentioned that she had kissed a girl. She said that we probably wouldn't understand her "lifestyle".

I've never been with a woman, but when we starting talking about swinging years ago, I've been curious. Because we haven't actively pursued the lifestyle YET, I wasn't even thinking anything about her comments.

Fast forward to later that night. We have had lots of drinks and are outside for some air. She is up against a wall and I don't really know what happened, but I started frisking her up and down and as I come up, we were kissing. My husband stands in front of us so no one can see it, but realizes that it's getting VERY, uhhhh...heated?

My husband, not wanting us to give everyone around a show that we might regret later, tells us it's time to go (She has a son with an ex-friend of ours and he knows many people, so my husband also wanted to make sure that when and if word got back to her ex which he could possibly use against her in regards to their son.) So we go to the car and she, being very aggressive, says "You're coming in the back with me!" pulls me in the back seat and starts kissing me again.

We have 2 small kids and I haven't lost all my weight yet, which is another reason I haven't wanted to pursue anything. I had a dress on with spanx which are really tight! Without going into detail, next thing you know, she is doing things to me and I to her while my husband is driving. He ask where to go and I think I said: "HOME!"

In our conversations, my husband has said that if I wanted to be with another woman, he would support me, but I am not into just me and another woman. I want him involved.

Back to the car. He is driving home and we are going at it in the back seat. All of a sudden (I get sick easily when I'm drunk and in a car) I don't feel so good. I tell him to stop the car and I crawl out on the pavement and get sick. She, still wants to continue doing what we were doing!

We are one block from the house and I manage to crawl back in the car(NO more kissing for me!) We get to the house and she stumbles in and I guess isn't feeling too good either. She goes to bed. My husband has to carry me in, I am not doing good at all and he thinks he might have to take me to the E.R, but luckily I just get to sleep it off.

Since that night, I always wander if we would have gone "all the way" if I hadn't had gotten sick. We have become really great friends and she has hung out with all of our kids and there has been 2 or 3 times that she has been over alone.

My husband has told me that he doesn't think he could be a swinger. He didn't know how to express to me that he rather liked the idea of opening up and having someone else in our lives fully, more than just having sex with someone. I showed him the Polyamory thread and he was elated to see that there was something out there that was what he was talking about. We both like her and we have all gotten close, but I am afraid.

I read that communication is key, but I don't want to ruin our friendship by asking her if she wants more and especially if she wants to try join families . I haven't had a friend, besides my husband, in years. I feel a tension when she's here which might just be me. BUT, there has been little things that make me VERY confused ie: she was supposed to stop by and didn't and my husband texted: "Bad girl. Go to my room" as if it were me because I'm too shy. I was going to let her know it was my husband messing around, but he said wait and see her response. She texted back the next day and at the end of her text, she said: "can I come out of my room now?"

I'm confused and I wanted to get the advice of everyone here...What do I/we do??

If you have read this far, I thank you and again, so sorry for the LONG post

[JustAskJulie]

I may be wrong, as Polyamory isn't really my thing, but I'm thinking it's something you have to work into, not jump into. You are already close friends and you don't want to risk losing that friendship, but it's also apparant that you all want more than you currently have. What isn't apparent is whether or not you all want the same thing. She may just want a fling, some sexual fun and not a more involved committment. The only way to know this is to talk to her about it and open up on your end.

I do believe that when it comes to polyamory and anything where you are really involving more people in your relationship to this extent you have to be able to have as good of communication with them as you do with your husband. It might be time to start spending some more time with her, both one and one and as a threesome to see where it goes.

[IvoryTowers]

It certainly sounds like what your husband, and very possibly you, are interested in is polyamory, not swinging. Here are a couple of questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you still feel sexually attracted to this woman? How would you feel if she and your husband became involved (that's not required but often a "V" where two people are involved with the same person, will turn into a "triad" where all three are sexually and emotionally intimate)?

2. How far would you want to take this relationship? You can keep separate households and just be friends, keep separate households and sleep together, or move in together and form a blended family. That can have some great advantages--money saved, extra hands to help with the kids, etc.

Try reading Tristan Taormino's Opening Up and listening to the podcast Polyamory Weekly to get an idea of how this lifestyle works.

TALK! Talk to your husband, talk to your friend. Heck, talk to yourself. Be very clear but very undemanding, using "I" language (so "I think I'd like to be intimate with you" rather than "We should sleep together" or "Why haven't you tried to kiss me again?"). Be clear that all you are doing is talking--whatever you all decide is fine and if any option is rejected, it won't be allowed to damage the relationships you already have.

Most of all, go slow, but go. Don't rush into anything but don't just refuse to act out of fear. That will make you unhappier in the end. Good luck.

[ncmd_couple]

You might just want to continue the relationship and see where it goes. If you can be in a situation where there is no risk of exposure to her because of the Ex, I fully understand the dangers when there is a custody battle going on, then flirt with her if that is your interest and see where it goes. Preferably when the two of you haven’t had so much to drink!

The other thing to take into consideration is that you probably don’t want to get in the middle of the battle with her Ex. Is she divorced already and he is just jerking her chain? Or is she separated and going through a divorce?

Drinking has a tendency to drop inhibitions and people do things that they would normally not do when sober and in control of their persona. That doesn’t mean that she didn’t want to. But it was a peek through the curtain to possibly what she wants with you. And maybe with both of you.

S

[IndulgeNDivulge]

Hey There,

Thanks for the replies!

To answer some of the questions:

When we were discussing swinging, I told my husband that I didn't want him to kiss anyone else. That is what I wanted to reserve between the two of us. I know, for some it doesn't make sense, but for me, it is important.

I am sexually attracted to her, or at least I get butterflies when she comes over, I get giddy and excited and miss her when she's not here. I can picture her kissing him and it doesn't bother me. I like the fact that we know her and are friends with her. It puts my mind at ease to know that it's not just any old woman. I am ok with the idea of them being emotionally involved. I wouldn't say I'm ready for them to be sexual without me present - that would happen in time - but I am ok with all three of us being sexually intimate.

In my previous post, I told you that my husband wanted more of a poly relationship and wouldn't mind if she lived with us. At this point in time, I wouldn't want to take that leap, yet. I have so many questions and concerns about that because I have children. They are my main concern. I would prefer to start a relationship without living together at first and then, if the relationship blossoms and becomes semi-permanent, I think I would be comfortable with it. I just don't want to expose my children to someone and then tear it away from them if it doesn't work out between the three of us. I hope this all makes sense.

Another thing? My husband said that we may be getting ahead of ourselves here. He was saying that things might change after I have been with a woman sexually. He said: "You don't even know if you like it yet" which got me thinking. If I kissed her, and such...and it turned me on, why wouldn't I like the rest of it? If I didn’t like being with her sexually, would it hinder a poly relationship between us? Is it a requirement for all three people to be sexual with each other to be considered a poly relationship?

Her ex knows many people in this town and at the moment, they have a mutual agreement concerning their son. They were never married and have been fully separated for about a year now, just interacting when it concerns their son, but I wouldn't want to do anything that could possibly give him power to get full custody. (He wouldn't be able to handle his son full time anyway, but I don't know what type of feelings he still has for and towards her).

I am super shy and I just don't know if I could make a move first. I have been asking all these questions and my husband, who isn't shy, was saying that we should ask her. She is shy too, so reading her is hard.

I am still a little confused with the responses. IvoryTowers, you say talk to her and ncmd_couple, you say continue the relationship and see where it goes. Do we ask her straight out or do we just hang out like we've been doing? I'm afraid that if we just keep hanging out, the door will be closed, and the other fear is losing the friendship if we ask her...

[ncmd_couple]

Indulge,

Thank you for the additional information. When I said let the relationship continue and see what happens. What I meant is ....

Hmmmm….

You say you two ladies are shy, and your husband is not. Maybe your husband can be the ice breaker. When she comes over treat her as if she was part of your relationship already. The warm hug and a kiss on the lips when greeting each other instead of the slight hug and kiss on the cheek. Both of you greet her that way. Both of you show your affection for her in the little things, touching, etc. just going about being around each other. She will pick up on that immediately. You can tell her that you like kissing her and that you are glad she kissed you that night. The little things that communicate desire.

See how she responds to that. But do it slowly. And if you feel that she resists, pause and let it simmer a bit. I hope that I got the idea across.

S

[IvoryTowers]

A polyamorous relationship is one that involves more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. That can mean that everyone is involved sexually, but it doesn't have to. A 'V' is when there are two people who are both involved with a third, but not with each other. So if it turns out that you aren't interested in having sex with a woman, then you can still have a polyamorous relationship.

I suggested you (or both of you) broach the subject with the other woman because you can't just sort of drift into a poly relationship. You can all get drunk and have sex without planning but you can't 'accidentally' create a relationship. So at some point there has to be talking!

I admire you for wanting to protect the children and that is a very serious concern, so you should proceed slowly. On the other hand, if the three of you can form a loving stable relationship it will benefit the children in many ways.

Good luck.

[mick2150]

Bear with me for a moment, I think this is very relevent to this (& other)threads ....

There are so many posts on this & other forums where advice is asked for, & time & again the advice that is freely, genuinely & compassionately given, is "communicate, communicate, communicate .... & if you still don't have a resolve, communicate even more!"

That should be easy - right? But, I know first hand that there are many of us out there, I being a prime example, who never really learned, or were taught the necessary skills to be able to communicate effectively - particularly where intimacy, sexuality, love and emotions are involved. I now know, because I learned a bit late in life, that for me, I had to go through some workshops in order to learn & be taught communication techniques that really work!

I don't think it is as simple as doing a 'regular' course on conflict resolution, many times there isn't a real 'conflict', but in many cases, neither is there an open level of comfortable communcation between people, particularly couples.

When I found myself 'let go' from a relationship of almost 30 yrs, I came to realise that fundamental to the split was our inability to keep up with really good communication skills - we were more 'open' in our communications in our early years together than we were in the final 5-10 yrs. This was, IMO, due to being rank amatuers in the art & skill of intimate, open & honest communications.

I relate to the poly community where the primary skill needed for success is open & honest communication skills. No doubt this is also true in the 'regular' world, but in the L/S - swinger, poly (or, swoly?) - those of us who lack the skills & confidence that are needed to allow one to be vulnerable in our communications, can be at a real disadvantage.

Maybe this doesn't directly address the subject of the post, yet I sense that part of the issue here is 'shyness' & vulnerability, and not being instinctively comfortable in bringing up concerns & possible fears between the 3 individuals involved.

I found that workshops run by the Human Awareness Institute to be very valuable; helped me see what I needed to learn & how to be authentic in my interaction with people - intimate and less intimate.

M.

[realcplub2]

As Julie said the Poly lifestyle isnt our expertise per say, but the issue that is right out in front is.. sort of what your husband said..

Getting turned on by your brief experience is great and it often is the overbearing reason to continue forward.. HOWEVER, enjoying the soft kisses of another women, and having sex with her, is really two different things. We have known a number of women that had little or no bi experience, and for some the first time was great, for others it was something they wish they could forget, and firmly changed their preferences from Bi Curious to Str8.

As far as thinking poly goes, again, its putting the cart before the horse..

Sample the fruit before agreeing to buy the whole orchard.

[IndulgeNDivulge]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the additional responses!

There has been some changes since I last posted and I thought that it was only right of me to inform you since I myself like updates after reading certain posts!

Our friend invited us to a bar for new years and some of her friends from work were going to be there as well.

I didn't mention in my last posts that she had recently broken up with a guy she was seeing because they had a fight and it got physical (she had actually contacted us at 3am to ask if she could stay over which she did) and she actually filed a report on him. She has also since then, been contacted by her Dr. stating that there were abnormal cells in her pap exam and they suspected she had HPV! She needs to go get further testing to find out exactly if she has it and what kind etc etc...

She likes to text message and I texted her asking if she got tickets yet and what time she was going. She texted me back and at the end she said "Oh and no kissing by the way, I'm kissing a guy". I asked if she had someone in mind and she said no, so I said oh good, then I still have a chance

My husband had mentioned that he thought she may be back or still into the ex which I thought was absurd because of all he had done to her! And my husband is the one who told me to ask if she had someone in mind to see if he was right.

I'm sorry I'm jumping back and forth and I hope you don't mind the length, but more is better right?

So, we are at the bar and I'm having a few drinks, we're dancing, and the time is just ticking away. I ask her where she is 'cause she was the only there we were going to know and she said that she wasn't going to come because of the night she had and didn't want to discuss it really, but said she was on her way. I tell her to hurry or the only thing she's going to kiss is the fog!

She finally shows up and we say hi and hang out for a bit when her friend drags her away. We go back inside and we are hanging out with each other when they announce 2 minutes to midnight. They start counting down and I see her pass us by, looking for someone to kiss? She didn't see us and none of her friends were with her so I motion over to my husband to do something!!! She didn't have anyone around who cared about her and she looked lost. We like her and care for her and my husband touched her shoulder and when she turned around he brought her close to us and it was midnight! He went to kiss her and she turned her cheek which he kissed, then I went to kiss her and got the other cheek. lol She then gave him a big kiss on his cheek and then her friends were walking by and started talking to her.

It was very awkward at that moment and I was very conflicted. We went to sit down and I told my husband my feelings and that I felt dissed. I got a little teary eyed because of the feelings and we decided to leave. On our way out, she was at the bar with a friend and I told her we were leaving. She asked me to do a shot and while I was waiting, her friend got 2 shots for them, they drank them and that's when we just left. I felt horrible, but was not going to make a scene because it was clear her friend wanted ALL her attention and made it very clear.

After that, I told my husband that I couldn't handle feeling the way I did, it hurt really bad and mostly because I didn't know where I stood, so he contacted her the next day to see if he could have coffee with her. He said that she should know what lifestyle we wanted to lead and see where she stood with me/us.

Wow, this is getting long...I have a hard time summarizing!

He meets with her and she thinks I'm mad at her, but her lets her know that is not the case.

I found out that my husband was outside with her one time she was at our house and was telling her about how we found a site about poly which she was really interested in, but he said I came outside and the conversation ended because another topic came up.

Back to their meeting. He told her about the lifestyle we were interested in and continued telling her about polyamory and he said she was very intrigued. He told her that we cared about her and wanted her in our life, but that he wanted her to just take in everything and think about it for a while. She admitted that she was still in love with her ex She said she couldn't just shut off her emotions. I guess we are all different because I could NEVER stay with someone who was physical and possibly gave an STD.

He told her that he got really nervous and it was the first time he kind of got weak when I motioned for him to kiss her on New Years and she said she should have figured that it was me who told him to do that. She said she was so in shock and she didn't know up from down which is why we got the cheeks, I guess. She told him that she couldn't believe that I was willing to open up "my man" to her because she could never do something like that she is too territorial with her guys.

He asked her about Halloween and she said that she wanted to go all the way with me. Although, the thought of being with a woman makes her terribly afraid (which is the same emotion for me) she wanted to give that to me.

He told her that eventually we will be with another woman and possibly live together with another woman. He wanted to know if she would be ok with being friends with people in the lifestyle to which she said that what we do is our business, but he said that it seemed like she got a little jealous at the thought of me being with another woman.

He told her the reason he was talking to her was because I was deathly afraid to loose her friendship that we had and she said that we would still remain friends. They also talked about the two of them. My husband told me that he feels more like a protector to her because of the people she's had in her life and the things that have happened to her. He isn't the type of guy that looks at a woman thinks about sex. He likes to get to know someone first and then get intimate and told her that he doesn't even know if there will be a connection because they haven't been intimate.

Oh my gosh, this is getting long.

I think I covered everything that is important, but since then, she has contacted me just to say hi and see how I'm doing and she wants to have lunch Sunday. I think she wants to talk to me about everything, but I don't know how I'm going to do. My husband and I were talking last night and I told him that this lifestyle concerns all of us and we should ALL sit down and talk, but I will talk with her first and then we will all sit down and talk.

She told my husband that she has been trying to get me alone to talk about what happened on Halloween, but since I have the children full time, and she's usually working when my husband is off work, it didn't happen. She said she was going to bring it up, but didn't want to have the kids come into that conversation, which was very thoughtful of her.

That's where we are at right now. My husband said he feels a weight lifted off his shoulders and frankly, I do too, so yes, communication is key. I just have to do it now!

I appreciated your time if you've made it this far and if you have anything to contribute, I am absolutely open to your thoughts!

L

[IvoryTowers]

Thanks for the update and don't worry about the length.

It sounds like she is very conflicted--interested in you but very uneasy about being with a woman and uncomfortable with the lifestyle (swinging and poly) in general.

I think you are right to focus on keeping the friendship and being open and honest. It seems like nothing will happen soon, but you can keep the doors of communication open. I have to say that I agree with you--I would never ever stay with a person who abused me in any way. That's a red flag I think.

OTOH, you should know that HPV is not like other STDs. Some estimates have 80& or more of sexually active adults infected. Most strains are completely harmless (I think only 5 out of 90 or so are related to cervical cancer, although my numbers might be off). And HPV can be transmitted even if you use a condom. Plus, you can be completely asymptomatic. So I'm saying that you should hold the abuse against the guy, but not the HPV.

[ncmd_couple]

Indulge,

Patience is very important at this point. She is thinking, and I think in the right way because she took the kids into consideration. Enjoy your lunch with her tomorrow. Be open and honest with her. Yes, I know, the initial reaction may make you think that it was a mistake (been there, done that) but in the long run it will be the right thing to do.

S

[IndulgeNDivulge]

Hi There,

Just wanted to let everyone know what happened...

It's been complicated to say the least. She had told my husband that she doesn't see herself in that type of lifestyle. BUT, she has been hanging out ALL the time, she sleeps over (on the couch) and even my husband has now said that he feels like he's getting mixed signals!

An example of that was her walking to the bathroom and I asked her if she was going to take a shower and she replied: "No, you guys are going to just have to have me all dirty!" WTF??? if that aint mixed signals, I don't know what is. She has also made a comment of getting groceries she likes and leaving them in the fridge here...:sigh:

I am going to continue to enjoy the company and friendship that is blooming, and who knows, maybe I'll come back on here and tell you she moved in one day! lol Maybe not...Ahh well, you can't win 'em all right? he he he

[ncmd_couple]

Indulge,

Poly relationships, like all relationships, take a lot of time and and communications, the part that is missing is the communications. That will come, or it will not.


S

[slevin]

I don't have any experience with poly relationships, but the way I read this particular situation is that she is enjoying the attention but isn't really interested in the relationship. If she was truly interested in taking steps in that direction then starting with being sexual is the first step, not starting with acting like shes moving in. You are already friends with her, you all know that you get along; the part that you don't know about is whether you can all handle being sexual together. This has the markings of something that is going to fall apart and you and your husband are going to be left with some hurt feelings. She is definitely sending mixed signals and I bet that she knows it.

What would I do? I would move towards opening the sexual relationship with her, if she isn't ready or isn't interested then I'd tell her that we need to go back to being "just friends" with her until she figures out what she wants to do. While she figures that out, I'd be looking for another woman who interested us both and look to start our journey with that woman instead. I know it's tempting to do it with someone you're already friends with, but that only works when they are as interested in it as you are. If that pisses her off, well then I think that shows that she really isn't ready for a poly relationship with you.