Polyamory - a passing fancy or a new trend?

[SecretAsianMan]

Maybe I'm just too cynical for my own good... but does anyone else think that maybe some of the people who are getting into Polyamorous relationships / Swingers / or whatever - are doing so because it's become "trendy" to be non-monogamous??

Not saying that there aren't polyamorous people out there - I've known plenty of them over the years and think it's a wonderful thing.

But I've seen so many people who've gotten into it for the wrong reasons.

Most often, I see people trying to "fix" their broken relationships by adding more partners. Or I see people who find that their relationship isn't working out the way they'd hoped - so instead of breaking up with their first relationship... they simply start a new one and call themselves polyamorous.

[rpu3]

But I've seen so many people who've gotten into it for the wrong reasons.

Most often, I see people trying to "fix" their broken relationships by adding more partners. Or I see people who find that their relationship isn't working out the way they'd hoped - so instead of breaking up with their first relationship... they simply start a new one and call themselves polyamorous.

I think this issue/problem has always existed. We'll see more people entering into non-monogamous arrangements because of the trend (the trend to me being Swingtown and far more media about swinging and poly and open marraiges in general), but my guess is the actual percentage entering for the wrong reason will not be terribly different. But I guess we'll never truly know the real numbers for any particular condition.

[lustylearning]

I would never call swinging "trendy." In fact, I believe it's considered by the majority to be even less moral than adultery. Adultery, at least, the public understands...

[two4youinswva]

Guess it depends on your perspective.

We've only been swinging four years, so that really isn't enough of a time span to give an educated guess/answer. That would better be answered by someone like VegasLee.

As to the poly side of the equation, I have no idea of the current trends.

[GoNatural]

I believe that a number of people are exploring non-monogamous relationships because they want to "explore" the desire that they feel for others.

It is natural to feel sexual desire, or desire an intimate friendship with someone other than your spouse.

In this time it is becoming a bit more acceptable to explore, so more people are allowing themselves to do so.

It is certainly not a move to just be trendy. Now, in some situations, women act bi when others are around for attention, but that is the only actions that appear due to trends.

[jdavisauto]

Polyandry has always existed. In the lifestyle it's safer to have a few people to play with then going from one to another. We play bareback and sleep with only one couple that we have known for years. I guess that in a small way you could say that we have a polyandry relationship with them. We feel safe with them and can express our desiers with them to the fullest. I'm sure that others will see it differently and post their opinions and that will be their right to do so.
The Lady Half

[SecretAsianMan]

Oh, I know - it's not "JUST" to be trendy... I'm just wondering if other folk see it occuring because it's thought to be "cool"

...the same way a lot of women are encouraged by society / media / etc to explore their bisexuality. The public has caught on and thinks it's "cool"

[gatorvol64]

We didn't try swinging because it was trendy. We didn't even realize such a "lifestyle" existed. It was fantasies that originated with my husband and we did a bit of research how to possibly meet others. And we, ourselves, aren't poly because it is trendy. We are poly because it came and knocked us on our ass to start with. Then we had to start working through all we've been taught throughout life. Nothing along this poly road has exactly been easy. I wouldn't work so hard for something I felt was just trendy.

Originally Posted by rpu3

I think this issue/problem has always existed. We'll see more people entering into non-monogamous arrangements because of the trend (the trend to me being Swingtown and far more media about swinging and poly and open marraiges in general), but my guess is the actual percentage entering for the wrong reason will not be terribly different. But I guess we'll never truly know the real numbers for any particular condition.

I really have to say rpu3 said it best. People will always try some things for the wrong reason.

Vol

[mixtupcpl]

I guess a question like this needs a lot more data. Over the past few decades, what do the numbers look like for poly relationships outside of specific cultures where it is the cultural norm?

Have those numbers started to go up? If so, then you can try to put together an analysis of why.

I've never seen numbers on this because, I suspect, it would be VERY hard to quantify in a meaningful way.

Even for "regular" swinging, the numbers are best guess, I think.

My guess is that poly relationships in cultures where they are not the norm have always occurred in some small percentage and always will and will likely NEVER be "acceptable". There are MUCH simpler things that society has proven incapable of handling (gay marriage GLARES here)

I'd also agree that the vanilla world DOES consider swinging worse than adultery. I can see it in every "guy" chat I have. I've had plenty of guys admit to cheating (or hint at it enough) in my company and the worst comment is usually "thats fucked up man" Now imagine dropping the bomb "hey, my wife and I are swingers!" That kind of says it all.

If I had an affair and got divorced, I'm sure I would never be viewed as a pariah. If I were "outed" though, I know it would be disastrous.

A poly relationship is even MORE difficult.

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

A poly relationship is even MORE difficult.

I've said this myself. People may not agree with it but, they can more easily understand adding sex (swinging) to a relationship than they can understand adding love (poly). When adding both (because technically poly relationships do not have to include sex) that is a double betrayal.

Vol

[avid]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

My guess is that poly relationships in cultures where they are not the norm have always occurred in some small percentage and always will and will likely NEVER be "acceptable". There are MUCH simpler things that society has proven incapable of handling (gay marriage GLARES here)

I think it's true that in "general" society, it's a difficult concept to grasp.

Interestingly, however, I was with a bunch of great women this weekend on a girls weekend. They are all close enough friends that they know us as a triad. We got on to the topic of my relationships, and without exception, they said they don't even think about it any more, because it just seems "normal" that I would have a husband and a partner.

Bear in mind that these people aren't swingers, although a couple of them are lesbians. I think I'm just REALLY fortunate that I have a great group of open-minded friends. When you think about it, life is just too freaking short to even waste time having friends who you couldn't be yourself with.

[Chicup]

For some people poly seems to be an excuse to feel better about having multiple lovers.

Person 1: So you have 3 boyfriends you are having sex with who know about each other?
Person 2: Well I'm poly.

No Person 2 isn't poly person 2 is a slut. Now thats ok with me, I happen to like sluts, but person 2 doesn't want to be thought of as 'slutty' so you see, shes poly.

Then there is this example. Husband and wife bring in another woman into the mix, usually younger, normally on a bad rebound. Husband gets two women which is a pretty natural desire, I'm not sure what the woman gets out of it but for a lot this seems to work, but its temporary. Sooner or later the 2nd find someone to make her a 1st and shes history. The concept of primaries and secondaries to me makes this pseudo poly, its poly of opportunity, but its not an equal love or equal partnership.

I think true poly, is as rare as its ever been. Its really quite a beautiful concept on paper, but the reality is most can't succeed with it long term.

[avid]

Originally Posted by Chicup

For some people poly seems to be an excuse to feel better about having multiple lovers.

Geez, I hope I'm not setting a precedent here....but I agree with you. The ebb and flow of the different relationships can be hard to follow without a roadmap sometimes! Some people (not just women!) have this ethical thing about being "in love" with everyone they fuck.

Then there is this example. Husband and wife bring in another woman into the mix, usually younger, normally on a bad rebound. Husband gets two women which is a pretty natural desire, I'm not sure what the woman gets out of it but for a lot this seems to work, but its temporary. Sooner or later the 2nd find someone to make her a 1st and shes history.

Yep, that happened to us. When she got back on her feet, she was gone. I truly was very happy to see my husband in love - he was like a little kid. In the poly circles, that seems to be called "compersion" - enjoying seeing the one you love in love.

The concept of primaries and secondaries to me makes this pseudo poly, its poly of opportunity, but its not an equal love or equal partnership.

I think this is what we learned from our first experience, and wanted to fix in our second. The complex set of rules I put in place the first time were completely unreasonable, and I regret that.

I think true poly, is as rare as its ever been. Its really quite a beautiful concept on paper, but the reality is most can't succeed with it long term.

It's a hell of a lot of work. It's been three years now (15 years with my husband), and the three of us are still planning a future together - and having a lot of fun, for the most part.

[WesternSwing]

I think there are true swingers, true polyamorists, those that use swinging or polyamory as an attempt to fix a relationship, and those that use them as an excuse to screw around and everywhere in between.

I in now way think that either is a passing fancy or a new trend. However I do see many 20-somethings that live on the fringe attending private "Naughty Back to School Parties", "Naughty Halloween Parties" and many other themes. These are the ones that seem to be dabbling without really venturing in. From what I see these "wild" parties are a passing fancy with the majority of them, though I think some will take it further with open and honest non-monogamous relationships in the future.

Another thing I have seen within the poly community is using polyamory to justify swinging; meaning those that do so need to justify sex with anyone with the idea of being "in love" with them. I believe this because of the short-term nature of many of these relationships. It seems they have a different secondary every few months. These folks can give real polyamorists a bad name and do more harm than good to the general public's view of polyamory AND swinging. What they are doing is truly swinging but they won't call it that and use polyamory to justify their actions.

But in the end, whatever gets you through the night, is alright. As long as no one else gets hurt in the process. I'm not judging, just observing.

Mr. WS

[fun4Ds]

Sam, when I first read this. One eye went to the left and one eye went to the right. It just had me looking at this all walleyed or something. I just couldn't put the two together. After listening for a while to others, I'm O.K. now. I think....

Originally Posted by SecretAsianMan

Maybe I'm just too cynical for my own good... but does anyone else think that maybe some of the people who are getting into Polyamorous relationships / Swingers / or whatever - are doing so because it's become "trendy" to be non-monogamous??

No, I don't think its trendy. I think more people are exposed to this in the media. That leaves me to believe more people try this and fail because like bell bottoms the trend came and went. For us who do live some sort of alternative lifestyle and are open about it, planning on doing this till the end of our days because it is US. I think we are in small numbers. We are going to see more people taking a look to see if the shoe fits. But until Wall mart starts a club for swingers it not trendy.

This is where I got walleyed

Not saying that there aren't polyamorous people out there - I've known plenty of them over the years and think it's a wonderful thing.

What do you mean by plenty ? I know very few..... There again, What we see on the INTERNET compared to real people we know personally. It seems like a small circle to me. We see regulars like ourselves now. And many come and go. We dont know what their reasons are, but ideally I would like to think they tried it and found out it wasnt for them. Or even want to do this just occasionally... Not a failed relationship every time.

But I've seen so many people who've gotten into it for the wrong reasons.

There again on a personal level, I only know of a few

Most often, I see people trying to "fix" their broken relationships by adding more partners. Or I see people who find that their relationship isn't working out the way they'd hoped - so instead of breaking up with their first relationship... they simply start a new one and call themselves polyamorous

. Now this is something that makes me think it must be a single male situation I don't see outside of our married alternative relationship. I don't hear the singles we play with seeing this this way. I will ask them now.... But still, are you hooking up with the majority of people in failing relationships ?

It makes me think either,

Where the hell are you partying at ?.

Or,

Am I the one missing this, with blinders on ?