Polyamory - a passing fancy or a new trend?

[gatorvol64]

People do many things because they are trendy. Poly relationships aren't going to be left out of the mix. And, yes, some try to be poly because they feel they have to be in love to have sex with someone else. That's sad.

However, we are going on two years here. Not all of it has been easy. It has been a lot of work. All relationships are. I wouldn't still be trying if I didn't think this was meant for us or worth it. We've made mistakes. But, we all are committed to making this work. We love each other very much. Swinging is something we needed to be discreet about and didn't have a problem with that. Being discreet about this relationship isn't something we want to do. We want to share our loves with others just as we have with have shared the love between Gator and I for all these years.

It may nor be normal. But we are happy. And we see years in our future.

Vol

[paradiseclubcpl]

Polyamory has been around just about as long as swing. They both go back further than most in the vanilla world would like to admit. The big question is; How much alike are they? I have been doing research on this for the past year, to understand my own emersion into the poly world. I also write for several lifestyle sites. There seems to be a few catalysts for entering this wing of the lifestyle. One and the most used, is new couples entering the lifestyle. In short they find this to be the best crossover from the vanilla world. It is safe on the surface it almost seems socially normal. This does have some success for them, however I did find many couples just met with some dissappointment. Not only in the poly world but in the swing world and their marriages as well. Another catalyst seems to be what I call swinger burn out. Those swinging couples that have done it all. Now with their age and or over indulgence, they find comfort in something with more depth. Then there are those who have just out of circumstance fallen into this. They have had success living in the alternate lifestyle world. Just by meeting the right person or persons have drifted into this side of alternative lifestyles. This is the group that meets with the most success. The poly relationship take more work than most swingers or newbies are willing to put into any relationship, other than their own marriages. Poly can be akin to being married all over again, with even more complicated twists. You think marriage is work try to multiply that times three or four. In the artical I am writing I do go more into these catalysts, downsides, definitions and history. Once it is done and published I will post it on this site.

[mick2150]

Julie and the computer's s/ware keep encouraging me to post more often ..... So, here (at last did Julie say?) is a topic on which I do have some personal thoughts.

I really do not think we are seeing a trendy 'trend' towards Poly - and in context, I am talking about Polyamory, not the Polygamy, Polyandary etc. variations. Let's be clear here ... polyamory meaning more than one love - in all it's multitudes of flavours & variations ....

What we are seeing is that in the past few decades, there has been a movement, not necessarily a 'trendy' trend, towards an openness and an acceptance of individual rights, and in the consumer world much more of an acceptance that even though the consumer is not always 'right' he/she has a right to challenge the honesty of the seller/marketer - in other words, if it doesn't work, one has a right to take it back and get a refund .... this has meant that 'open honesty' in trading, has perculated to the surface. (I am a marketing/communications guy)

Now take this thought through to relationships; there IS a real 'trend' to more open and much more thorough communication. Go onto any number of web groups that focus on relationships, and whenever anyone asks for help the usual advice is to be open and communicate.

Now that marriage/divorce is openly acknowledged to be over 50% - just the justifyable #'s!! - what I think has got peoples attention is that there just has to be be some alternative ways to 'manage' relationships. Both the swingers & polys have a common thread with respect to the cheat - it just isn't part of the lifestyle. This isn't being trendy .... it is waking up to the fact that some people have more libido than others; that realtionships can be more or less intimate & physical; and that providing we have all learnt to give ourselves 'permission' to share our feelings & thoughts with our partners - and our partners understand our being honest - & nobody is left out & gets hurt - then life can move forward. (4 levels of HAI workshops helped me a great deal!)

What is true, is that poly is now in the main stream media & not always taking a hit - far from it, some of the 'big' media names are actually assigning seasoned journalists to the subject & the resulting articles are coming across as balanced and non-biase, the conclusion oten being that the concept of poly is, for some, well worth consideration.

Poly is almost certainly NOT for the majority - at least not in our life times; however, I will put money on the idea that it, & it's many variations, will become increasingly more main strean & accepted - at least in the more liberal world.

(There Julie, you got your wish!)

M.

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by SecretAsianMan

Maybe I'm just too cynical for my own good... but does anyone else think that maybe some of the people who are getting into Polyamorous relationships / Swingers / or whatever - are doing so because it's become "trendy" to be non-monogamous??

Not saying that there aren't polyamorous people out there - I've known plenty of them over the years and think it's a wonderful thing.

But I've seen so many people who've gotten into it for the wrong reasons.

Most often, I see people trying to "fix" their broken relationships by adding more partners. Or I see people who find that their relationship isn't working out the way they'd hoped - so instead of breaking up with their first relationship... they simply start a new one and call themselves polyamorous.

I completely understand what you mean by it being trendy. When I was in college, it was the new rage to be a bi woman. All of a sudden, nearly every girl on my dorm floor were "bi". Now, do I really believe that every one of those girls still consider themselves bi? I'd be willing to bet that half of them were following the trend, and have gone on to marry men and never be with a woman again.

I think it could be the same with poly. It's an edgy and non-mainstream, and I think a lot of people want to jump on the bandwagon...but without really understanding what it means to be poly. Since I've never been in a poly relationship, I could be wrong, but it seems like you would only be poly if you really, really wanted to. The thought of coordinating the ideas and feelings of 3 people instead of 2 seems like a huge undertaking.

Pepper

[WesternSwing]

I can't say more are getting into because it's "trendy", but I think the more openess of swinging and polyamory is increasing the number of people wading into the pool. We see allot of 20-somethings coming to swingers parties though they don't swing. They seem to like the sexually-charged atmosphere and it gives them something to brag to their friends about.

Mr. WS

[BiloxiCouple]

Re: Polyamory - a passing fancy or a new trend?

I may be a little off base with this, but isn't this kind of like Polygamy which has been practised in some form for thousands of years.

I realize there are probably differences depending on who you ask on polyamory vs polygamy. But it all involves multiple people and love of some kind?

[rpu3]

I may be a little off base with this, but isn't this kind of like Polygamy which has been practised in some form for thousands of years.

I realize there are probably differences depending on who you ask on polyamory vs polygamy. But it all involves multiple people and love of some kind?

Polygamy is a person w/multiple spouses. Polyamory is multiple loves.

I think there are plenty of cultures in the US and abroad where you wouldn't find love in a polygamous marriage, while love is the point of polyamory.

[BiloxiCouple]

I was taught growing up that polygamy involved love. Sex being a different issue altogether. Everyone will have a different idea about terms here. That's just my idea.

[ncmd_couple]

I/We arrived at where we were because of me. As I’m sure that my wife will read this post, I need to get this off my chest. She has heard it before, but reading it might be different. Over the years, I have met women that I cared about, and some that I loved. We didn’t have sexual relationships, but that did not dilute the feelings that I had for them. I got frustrated with the fact that I couldn’t acknowledge the fact that I cared for someone just because they were female. Society forbade that caring. When I finally laid things out, my lovely wife understood. She was and is still threatened by it, but she shouldn’t be. But that is our challenge.

I found polyamory long before we found swinging. It wasn’t about sex, it was about caring! Love! There is a woman in our life that I love, but I also know for many reasons that there will never be more than my caring, loving, and hoping the best for her. She has her own challenges and her own path to take. And clearly, that path does not lead to a joining of her life with ours.

Yes, there is a big difference in my mind between polygamy, and polyamory. Polygamy is culturally based, the other is emotionally based. Yes, the lady in question leaves a gap in my heart because of the many years that I have known her and the fact that I know it was never meant to be in this life. Maybe next time it will be better.

There has to be strength in your core relationship. Then you have to accept the life choices of those that come into your life. And you have to try to make sure that their choices don’t drag you down. Some times, the other people in your life were not of your choosing.

S

[acorn42047]

Im a new member looking for answers. Reading this thread has brought to mind a few questions.

I have had many girlfriends some I've had sex with some I have not. Some I loved some I cared for deeply and some that I was fairly indifferent about. I only married one and I love her with all my heart. What would we be called if we wanted to bring another into our relationship? At the begining by definition you can't be a polyamorist because you don't know if you love the other person. Not because I need a label but what are you called while your looking? What if your not looking for another to fall in love with?

As a person who was drawn to this site searching for direction and guidance not because of any trend, I ask these questions. And give you my answer to yours.

Steve

[ncmd_couple]

Steve,

If it is you and two women and all three are emotionally and sexually involved, it would be called a Triad.

S

[avid]

Originally Posted by acorn42047

What would we be called if we wanted to bring another into our relationship? At the begining by definition you can't be a polyamorist because you don't know if you love the other person. Not because I need a label but what are you called while your looking? What if your not looking for another to fall in love with?

I think if you're open to having an emotional attachment with a third party (or more), you are polyamorous even if you haven't yet met someone.

A book I really like is The Ethical Slut. I found it helped me clarify things in my head.

[TheDeal]

I think the Internet has spawned a whole bunch of vanilla folks investigating the LS and they probably tend to be more FwB or light poly than swinging. It used to be if you got curious about swinging or some alternative LS, you had no where easy to go for information. Now, you can learn all you want with a couple clicks. I think most vanilla people are scared of swinging because of our culture of love before sex. I also think most normal people like the idea of fantasies. Some kinda light poly or friends with benefits fits with those that would have never considered open sex without access to the LS (On-Line). The Internet has brought a whole bunch of people investigating alternative LS and that can be a good and bad thing. I do know there's something for everyone. I also beleive it will become more "trendy" as more vanilla's come over to the dark side (fun-side).

G