FMF Situation Question

[mra]

I would like to know whether any other board members have any similar experiences to the one set out below, and their thoughts.

We are a FMF situation, which developed over a period of a couple of years. I was with my wife and also hooked up with a GF. It was more than a purely physical thing, and I was drawn to both women equally. I should add that both are intelligent attractive women. Over a period of time first my GF and shortly afterwards my wife found out about the other woman, and things got strained, as I was unable to give up either of the two women. Over a tough couple of months both women also found themselves unable to give me up.

I was then asked by both to arrange a meeting between them which I arranged under the understanding that there would be no unpleasantness. The women met in a public place and I was told (by both) that it was a coldly polite meet. Some weeks after this they ran into each other at a professional/social event, and interacted leading to greatly reduced hostile feelings. A few days after this they met again at a professional/social event, interacted a lot with each other, leading to them goings for drinks, after which they ended up having sex with each other (a side of theirs I was not aware of, and was to learn of later).

Over a period of some months our relationship has evolved to the point of us moving in together, with the girls being with me, as well as each other. The thing is though that sometimes it appears to me that the girls are competing with each other, so if one is a little rough or dominating with the other, then within a short period of time other will do something to even the score. It is almost like they are keeping tabs. I am not sure whether this is my male ego seeing things that are not there, seeing as they are two attractive women with me in the “middle”, or there really is an element of roughness in their relationship with each other, or the women still see each other as competition?

[funcpl4life]

Dude,
From a US swinging/poly perspective, this is so disfunctional that I don't know where to start. I know that your culture is different and I don't have the cultural background to comment.
Mr FC4L

[JustAskJulie]

Can you give some examples of what you are seeing as "an element of roughness"?

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Can you give some examples of what you are seeing as "an element of roughness"?

Yes, please do. I'm in a quad but would like to help out if possible. A little more information would certainly be valuable.

Vol

[mra]

The element of roughness/competition that I see are things like, If one of the girls gets "butchy" with the other one, within a day or so the other one will repirocate in a similiar domineering fashion. If one bites the others nipples hard in the near future the favour will be returned, or during sex or otherwise if one slaps the other hard on the buttocks, similar response. On occasion they have both started to make out, striped to the waist and played/sucked each other breasts, each getting rough with the other, but then stopped without proceeding further. On other occasions they have gone all the way with a similar start, so!

I know that they are attracted to each other, since they are having sex with each other (sometimes it just being the two of them). When the three of us are together I can see they enjoy being with each other sexually. It is just that I get the feeling that there is an element of competition between them also. The roughness all has a sexual dimension (there does not appear to be hostility outside this area - at least in front of me), it is almost like they do not want the other thinking that she can be dominated.

Like I said, perhaps as the male in the middle, I am reading too much into it. On the other hand I am just wondering whether in a situation like this are the women perhaps still a little resentful/jealous of each other and that is reflected in their sexual aggression towards each other?

[bryanlee]

If you guys can come together and make this work then good on you all. Maybe you guys should all sit down and talk about everyone's feelings in regards to how this all started. There could be some issues that just haven't surfaced yet. It's better to get them out during conversation than during an argument.

The aggression doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong, but talking about things is always a good idea. My g/f and I can get very aggressive with each other when the mood strikes. We both love it. It may be as simple as that for them as well.

I would say that considering the circumstances surrounding your relationship you should be certain that you are all communicating honestly and everyone is on the same page.

Good luck in everything and let us know how things turn out.

Bryan

I can see how this psychology would work. You're right; you're in the center between them. Neither will "surrender" you to the other, so some of their games are "bad-ass macho" stuff used by guys to establish/maintain the pecking order.

The current balance is something like "we really haven't decided for real who can take who, but we don't want to have a final confrontation, so we will continue the posturing to each remind the other that ourself would be the real winner".

Many men will keep a situation in this state for a long time because it's not in their interest to have it resolved. In your case, they may be afraid it will break the triad, perhaps leaving neither of them with you. Assuming that they have become good friends, this can actually be a way of reinforcing their connection to each other.

Much may come from their personalities. Their behavior could match adventuresome nonconventionalists who avoid traditional female patterns. It's been said that the female is capable of being the most ruthless of the species...

A "sibling rivalry" component may also exist; they would unite forces against anyone outside the family, appearing as solid allies to outsiders.

Of course, communication, etc.... yada yada yada.

I'd want to learn their amount of attraction, affection and commitment to each other. In other words, are you all a "V" (where both legs know each other) or a delta (all bonds equal)?

[gatorvol64]

I think you need to have a meeting regarding this. The three of you at once. Determine what is behind this behavior. Fear of losing you? Fear of a new attraction? A new side to their sexuality? Have either of them had a sexual relationship with another female before? Or maybe they are just comfortable with rough play between them.

The fact that it is a concern of yours means you need to talk about it with them.

Vol

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by gatorvol64

I think you need to have a meeting regarding this. The three of you at once. Determine what is behind this behavior. Fear of losing you? Fear of a new attraction? A new side to their sexuality? Have either of them had a sexual relationship with another female before? Or maybe they are just comfortable with rough play between them.

The fact that it is a concern of yours means you need to talk about it with them.

Vol

[ncmd_couple]

I think that in a triad there is always going to be a little of the competition to see who holds the top spot in the relationship with the person in the middle, be it FMF or MFM. I have seen it in the FMF before. Honestly, I haven't stepped in and done anything about it yet. I'm wondering if I should get involved or just let the situation with the ladies be what it is.

S

[duskysub]

Could it be that both have a submissive side that the rough play satisfies??? I'm assuming of course that you have not been rough with either of them.

[ncmd_couple]

Dusky,

I'm assuming that your post was addressed at me. No, I have not. Personally I will not force someone. If they, either of them, expressed that they wanted to be guided in this, then yes, I would take the dominant role. I have thought about it. But if I did at this point then I would be forcing one or both of them to be in a positon that they didn't want to be in.

S

[sexcupid]

Personally, I don't know if I would handle being in a poly relationship. It takes a lot of trust and sorting things out to just open things up to sex...I can't even imagine what it takes to open up to the emotional aspect as well.

For the OP...it probably is a show of dominance (I would be interested to see an update on how/if things are still going) as far as the rather inauspicious beginnings...I mean, I would really have a hard time accepting that my husband had cheated on me and then turning around and welcoming her into our home and lives as a third. There would definitely be a 'power struggle' of sorts going on there.

ncmd...more details? Is it something you are personally experiencing or just have noticed happening?

I mean it's easier to have 'just sex' rather than try to elicit a guarantee that the other person's emotions could be reigned in or terminated if things get too uncomfortable.

[ncmd_couple]

Maria,

Not an issue now. The other lady has dissapeared into the sunset. Her choice.

S

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by ncmd_couple

Maria,

Not an issue now. The other lady has dissapeared into the sunset. Her choice.

S

No biggie, I was just curious if it was an observation that you made while being out and about or were experiencing. You sort of see the 'one up' mentality particuarly in a vanilla setting (like a bar or dance club). But I can also see how it would be used in a triad to assert a sort of 'territorial claim' (sorry if that's a poor choice of phrase)...the 'I was here first' sort of thing.