Definitions

[myopenbook]

Hello,

I am often interviewed about open relationships because of my writing and inevitably I am asked what the difference is between polyamory and swinging. Although I have my standard answer, I would love to hear your thoughts as I have never been a swinger and cannot speak from "the inside."

I really appreciate your help!

Best,
Jenny Block
Author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage"

[TNT]

I'm curious what your standard answer is.

Probably the most basic way of defining the difference is that polyamory involves emotion/love, whereas swinging is strictly about the sex. The two do/can overlap at times.


Teresa

[paradiseclubcpl]

I am trying, in what i am currently working on to tackle that definition problem. I am also writing this as someone who has live in Monogamy, Swing, and Polyamory. Although this is just my interpitations, this might be helpful to a select crossover and newbies reader.

[VegasLee]

I pretty much feel TNT hit it on the head.

Swinging. "Recreational sex between consenting adults"

polyamory: Involves emotions, feelings on an ongoing basis in a relationship that involves more then just two people.

There are Poly's that do swing and swingers that have a poly relationship. I don't feel that the Lifestyles are mixed, just that some do partake in both Lifestyles.

[imapolygirl]

I absolutely agree. Right now the people putting on the gigantic swing con Swingfest next month are using the following language as an intro to one of their press releases:

Open marriages, couples dating, polyamory, recreational sex; it has many names, but it is most widely known as Swinging and it has become so popular it now has its own 4-day festival. (The complete press release is here.)

I'm a member of the Loving More board of directors, and we've respectfully and politely explained why most polyamorists would take exception to this statement and asked that this language not be used in the future. No one is saying that swinging isn't a valid choice. Instead it's that many polyfolk just don't identify as swingers, nor is their behavior like that of most swingers.

We all still have the same enemies and need to standby each other, but polyfolk are proud of their identity and do not wish to be assimilated and have it dilluted, especially without their consent.

TNT's explanation is on the right track. I also add that swinging tends to be a very couple-centered activity whereas polyamorists come from every kind of relationship form you can imagine, from single to married to in committed relationships with any number from two to X. Also, the polyamory community tends to be very inclusive and welcoming of gay and bisexual males, which is not the case in the swing community, though that is starting to improve, or so I am given to understand.

Lastly, and most importantly, a considerable majority of polyamorists establish their non-monogamous relationships with the intention of making a long-term commitment analogous to what two people do when they legally marry. As I understand it, many swingers make long-term bonds with their swing partners, but this tends to be emotionally limited to friendship and familial with no romantic component permitted.

[WesternSwing]

These are all good explanations. I might add that in our experience there seems to be a huge difference of opinion, and sometimes fear and intolerance between swingers and polyamorists. Many swingers we know recoil in fear and jealousy when you mention feelings developing with swing partners. And many polyamorists we know are very adamant about not being lumped into the swinger definition and are very intolerant of swingers, publicly proclaiming them "nasty" or "dirty" or "without morals" such as many vanillas do. However, I can count on my fingers and toes the number of couples my wife and I know that use polyamory as moral justification to swing, and what they practice is far from true polyamory. But because they proclaim to have "feelings" for the other person it makes it all okay. However their idea of polyamory is really serial open relationships, they very seldom stay with any one third for very long. The true polyamorists in the community accept them, but don't take them too seriously.

This is why when we developed the Poly form here on this board we had to be very careful of the wording involved - basically so we didn't piss-off some of both groups.

Mr. WS