Some questions to satisfy my curiosity

[sexcupid]

I normally post with some frequency on other parts of the SB, but very seldom have any thing (I think) of value to this section, although I do read it and think that the advice that those who participate in a poly-ship is very good.

Now, I've read some books on poly...and Jeff and I have even had some hypothetical discussions about what I've read (or threads that have caught my attention).

But since neither of us have really participated some of my questions really haven't been answered to my liking. I mean, you can only get so far in a hypothetical discussion, you know? lol

So I'll throw out some questions and if any of you can/will answer, it would be appreciated...I just really would like to have a better understanding is all.

How did you actually broach the topic with your hubby/wife? What about presenting it to the other couple/person? Did you ever have someone walk away from the situation?

How do you hash out the details? Things like: is everyone on an even playing field or do you keep a primary relationship to which any secondary/tertiary ones take a lower priority to (and I really hate using that phrase to explain what I am thinking...but hopefully any readers understand what I mean)? If you aren't living together (or even if you are), is time management an issue? Do you try to keep your time with the OSO 'even' as with your SO?

What about jealousy? And in a slightly related context, how would you deal with something that your sweetie doesn't do for you, but does for the OSO? Not necessarily something sexual...but for example: you like getting flowers...but hubby states he's just 'not the flower buying type'...yet he starts to routinely buy the OSO flowers. Ok, that might not be a great example, but the best I could come up with while typing on the fly...but again, hopefully you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

I'm sure that there are plenty of other things I could ask...but really those are the biggies that keep coming up in my mind.

For my part...I've always felt there was value in having more than one boyfriend...not always for the variety, but as mentioned on other threads...if each of them shared an interest with you (say going to DCI competitions...yep yep...i'm a band geek lol, a particuarly genre of music, etc) that the others didn't...that would be awesome. lol But, how do you decide on your level of comfort with another? ie the primary-secondary relationship or (and again I really hate the phrasing) having everyone on the same importance level. What if one partner wants one scenario and the other wants the latter?

Anyway...TIA for any insight!

[JustAskJulie]

Good questions. Inquiring minds want to know.

[Ripley & Ender]

Disclaimer:[quote]Everyone is different. This is what works right now for my marriage. We have limited experience. YMMV, etc.[/QUOTE

How did we broach it? Well, we were talking about swinging and how both of us like to be close to people emotionally. I don't know if was officially broached or if it just veered around until the subject was reached and opened. Yes, we've had other people who weren't interested in going further into a polyamorous relationship.

Hashing out the details generally doesn't get done officially, more in a day-by-day, case-by-case basis. If something isn't working, it gets brought up and discussed so that a solution can be engineered. There's not an official plan.

Jealousy? Yep, it's been an issue, more mine than his, as compersion doesn't come naturally for me as it does for him. However, with the right people, the jealousy isn't manifested as much if any. If I was hurt by him giving something to someone that he won't give to me, we'd discuss that. That hasn't happened to date; I've noticed that other people bring aspects of his personality out that I'd like to see more often myself, and so I'm working on learning to bring that out of him towards myself as well.

There's never an official rulebook or plan of things. There's a lot of communication and negotiation to the mutual benefit of all parties involved.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

I normally post with some frequency on other parts of the SB, but very seldom have any thing (I think) of value to this section, although I do read it and think that the advice that those who participate in a poly-ship is very good.

Now, I've read some books on poly...and Jeff and I have even had some hypothetical discussions about what I've read (or threads that have caught my attention).

But since neither of us have really participated some of my questions really haven't been answered to my liking. I mean, you can only get so far in a hypothetical discussion, you know? lol

So I'll throw out some questions and if any of you can/will answer, it would be appreciated...I just really would like to have a better understanding is all.

How did you actually broach the topic with your hubby/wife?

For us we kind of just stumbled into a poly situation with a single male we met. So it was more of a "okay, this isn't so bad" thing more than an up front discussion. However, it wasn't until the break-up between Mrs. WS and him that I finally got her to admit that she loved this other man to. And the break-up was bad. She cried for days.

What about presenting it to the other couple/person? Did you ever have someone walk away from the situation?

Most of the time they walk away, though we don't present it to them, we let things just kind of develop and throw the term out there from time to time in casual conversation. Mostly we are looking for another man for the triad though, and this has presented a problem in that most single men that we meet don't want a relationship, and if they do the whole idea of a relationship with a married woman freaks them out.

How do you hash out the details? Things like: is everyone on an even playing field or do you keep a primary relationship to which any secondary/tertiary ones take a lower priority to (and I really hate using that phrase to explain what I am thinking...but hopefully any readers understand what I mean)?

For us our primary relationship takes priority, however if the right person came along I'd be okay with splitting Mrs. WS's time 50/50 with him.

If you aren't living together (or even if you are), is time management an issue? Do you try to keep your time with the OSO 'even' as with your SO?

Time management is an issue because everyone has jobs and in our case we have three kids, so most of Mrs. WS's time with her boyfriend is one evening a week when she "goes out with friends", or we'll tell the kids that she is going on a "girls retreat" and in reality she is spending the night or weekend with her boyfriend.

What about jealousy? And in a slightly related context, how would you deal with something that your sweetie doesn't do for you, but does for the OSO? Not necessarily something sexual...but for example: you like getting flowers...but hubby states he's just 'not the flower buying type'...yet he starts to routinely buy the OSO flowers. Ok, that might not be a great example, but the best I could come up with while typing on the fly...but again, hopefully you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

Jealousy is not a real issue for me, but Mrs. WS tends to get a bit jealous if I have a steady girlfriend. But again, I'm not looking for one so that isn't a big issue overall. Sometimes I do get resentful though when I feel that she is having more sex with him than she is with me. It's simply because it's easier, though. When she's with her boyfriend it's just them at his house. There are not all the family and kid things to deal with and I just have to remind myself of that, that it's not me, it's just how things are at home.

There isn't a whole lot my wife doesn't do for me that she does for others, but I'd say the one thing is they get more sexy text messages and emails than I do, but I chalk that up to the newness of their relationship compared to the comfort and stability of ours.

I'm sure that there are plenty of other things I could ask...but really those are the biggies that keep coming up in my mind.

For my part...I've always felt there was value in having more than one boyfriend...not always for the variety, but as mentioned on other threads...if each of them shared an interest with you (say going to DCI competitions...yep yep...i'm a band geek lol, a particuarly genre of music, etc) that the others didn't...that would be awesome. lol But, how do you decide on your level of comfort with another? ie the primary-secondary relationship or (and again I really hate the phrasing) having everyone on the same importance level. What if one partner wants one scenario and the other wants the latter?

Part of the value of a poly situation for us is that the other men are different from me, and therefore fulfill other interests for Mrs. WS that I don't. For instance, our first poly relationship was with a man who was formerly in the Marines. Mrs. WS was in the Army during the same years of the first Gulf War. So they had allot in common in their backgrounds, and being military a kind of brotherhood (sisterhood?) that I don't have with her and I never can have. Others have been more artsy than I, therefore they fulfill that part of Mrs. WS because she is very artsy oriented and loves painting and photography.

As far as deciding on a comfort level? We've never really had to define that yet since the relationships tend to fall into their own groove, as it may be. It's nothing we've put too much thought into. And we've not had a situation where the other partner wanted something different than we did, though I'm sure someday that situation could arise. I know it does often with FMF poly triads, but in our experience in the MFM triads the secondary male doesn't seem to want much more than Mrs. WS and I are willing to give, they still seem to like their freedom to date if it becomes available, and knowing that many would like to have a wife and family someday we simply try to enjoy them and what they offer for now without looking down the road too far in the future.

Mr. WS

[toycple]

After several years of swinging we just decided we wanted to move in that direction. There have always been couples that we have been really close to but never really said we are poly with them. We wanted to go this direction becuase my wife expressed interest in having a more permanant girlfriend. We tried it for a short while with this one girl but it didn't work out. We have since tried a less formal approach by trying to have a kind of "open door" policy with another couple. This has since not really worked because of different reasons. I would love to have either a fulltime girlfriend that would love to do anything or go anywhere with us. We would also like to try a poly relationship with another couple. I think as long as everything was laid out on the table I think it could work out fine.

[rpu3]

So I'll throw out some questions and if any of you can/will answer, it would be appreciated...I just really would like to have a better understanding is all.

My caveat is I'm not firmly in the swing-world nor would I call myself poly, but instead I reside in this "neither fish nor fowl" state. But I will post to topics that I think are applicable to me in either the poly forum or the general swinging forums.

How did you actually broach the topic with your hubby/wife?

I didn't or at least I don't recall broaching the subject. The situation I am currently in just kind of evolved and may or may not be still evolving. I've talked (and continue to talk) to The Spousal Unit about it, but it wasn't a "broach the topic to my spouse" situation. If anything, he broached the topic with me about what I thought I wanted or didn't want after trying swinging for awhile.

My spouse decided relatively recently that he'd like to actively pursue his end of our open marriage, and it was as simple as that - one night he said he'd been thinking, and this is the form of relationship he'd be interested in and pursuing and would I be okay with that and did I have any questions, comments or concerns?

What about presenting it to the other couple/person? Did you ever have someone walk away from the situation?

The thing with my friend wasn't exactly presented, it has just evolved into whatever it is. I do talk to my friend and/or my spouse as I have questions or concerns. Nobody has walked away at this point but I am aware there are no guarantees about anything.

I am not actively seeking other relationships at this moment. If there's anything I've learned in the last year is that I don't have the resources to enter more relationships until I learn to put myself first and not everything and everyone else, alternative or vanilla, and figure out what I want or don't want out of being "alternative". I need to figure out what I have to offer, too. Anyway...

However, I do have a profile despite not being active so that whomever my spouse is talking to can look or contact me directly to verify we are doing this with the other's consent. But most of the men who write me don't seem to quite comprehend it. I think it would be more acceptable if I were cheating. There are a couple men who identify themselves as poly who write, but I think they have even more issues than I do, if that was even possible. So if I were actively looking, I think it would be a 50/50 ratio of either myself or the other party walking away, shaking their head.

My spouse, however, is actively seeking other relationships. He's a different creature than I am, though. Surprisingly, he does find that more women than he thought possible are interested in at least talking to him, and certainly enough people have been interested in meeting him in person, which he didn't expect. Sure, many say "no thanks" but more women are willing to at least talk for a bit with him, it seems.

How do you hash out the details? Things like: is everyone on an even playing field or do you keep a primary relationship to which any secondary/tertiary ones take a lower priority to (and I really hate using that phrase to explain what I am thinking...but hopefully any readers understand what I mean)?

We've not required an even playing field. My spouse is definitely not interested in scorekeeping or an even playing field - it is what it is and he doesn't want or need a quid pro quo arrangement. Fairness is a worthwhile goal in any relationship, but sometimes things don't work exactly the way we want it to. I'm getting better at being okay that it won't always be equal. We just communicate a lot to make sure the two of us are on the same page. I always talk with my spouse before setting firm dates to see my friend, and my spouse is pretty good about letting me know if he has plans in advance. We do make sure there is fun time for us, and not just the day to day. I personally try to make sure my obligations are taken care of before I visit my friend So far, I feel we balance things out nicely.

But, how do you decide on your level of comfort with another? ie the primary-secondary relationship or (and again I really hate the phrasing) having everyone on the same importance level. What if one partner wants one scenario and the other wants the latter?

I've never liked the primary/secondary labeling, but I know why you are using it in order to ask your question as it does have a use in communicating precedence or logistics, or something like that.

The fact is that each relationship is different; I interact somewhat differently with everyone (vanilla or otherwise), because each individual in that relationship is unique. Yes, there are differences in the relationships but those differences are based on the personalities of the individuals, the experiences shared and history, how long we have been together, etc.

I have good, solid and rewarding relationship with my spouse that has evolved from our years together, in addition to our legal bond of marriage, an emotional bond, and practical considerations like our home and some of our finances, etc. Thus, my spouse does have significant influence in my life and relationship, and I do spend more time with him since we are married and live together. I thoroughly enjoy my friend as well but it's different; it's a shorter in length, has a different context and is based on a far different set of circumstances and he has a far different personality than my spouse. But it's not like I don't talk to him or seek his opinion on things or just have fun, etc. And I value that difference greatly. Same with my friends. Each relationship is important to me, but in different ways and those differences may account for the way things have to be prioritized. Ultimately, I just try to treat each relationship with the same respect and consideration, marriage, alternative or vanilla. It's an approach or viewpoint my spouse has no issue with.

If you aren't living together (or even if you are), is time management an issue? Do you try to keep your time with the OSO 'even' as with your SO?

Time management is a concern for all - poly, swinger, vanilla - I suspect. In the real world of work and family and friends and conflicting schedules and finite resources, time is indeed limited. Right now, I don't think it's a keeping it even production for my spouse and I. I think it works out in the end. I'm pretty motivated to make every minute count to try to be able to spend time with everyone I want to spend time with. It's hard, though, sometimes.

What about jealousy?

It exists on occasion. Jealousy is an unusual emotion, in that it's a feeling that's often built out of other feelings, such as fear or anger or insecurity and it's just best for me to try to find the trigger and figure out why it's coming up. More often than not, it's because I feel insecure, out of the loop, threatened, or vulnerable about something. Addressing the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability generally takes care of what few jealousy issues I've had. While I'm good at talking with my spouse, talking to my freind sometimes if I am feeling off about something is very hard, and I just try to pretend nothing's wrong. One thing I've learned lately is that problems are magnified even more if I try not to let my fears and my feelings show. This is not good for a constant worrier like I am. I've found that I do a lot better if I talk about my concerns honestly and as soon as possible, even if I think it's completely irrational. Most of the time, if I just talk about what I'm thinking or feeling, it loses its power and I return to my usual mode of logical operation. Insecurity, etc. can be overcome, though usually not without confronting it directly.

To be honest, I have been surprised that it's been a rather minor issue, all things considered. But I think it's because I work hard at communicating. Honestly. About everything. I try not to let problems sit. I try to ask for what I need. I try to be flexible and try not to have unrealistic expectations. I try not to assume. I try to be responsible. I try set my limits, express my needs, and to find the things that make me happy. I'm trying to be less fearful of change and the unknown. So far, so good. I'm dealing nicely and learning a lot in the process.

And in a slightly related context, how would you deal with something that your sweetie doesn't do for you, but does for the OSO? Not necessarily something sexual...but for example: you like getting flowers...but hubby states he's just 'not the flower buying type'...yet he starts to routinely buy the OSO flowers. Ok, that might not be a great example, but the best I could come up with while typing on the fly...but again, hopefully you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

Personally, in that type of scenario you described, I would not be happy, and I would say something. If it were something like he brought the OSO coffee in bed and I never get coffee in bed unless I pay room service for it, I'd like to kick his ass, actually. Once I got past that initial response, I'd like to think that we'd talk about it, and figure out a way to incorporate whatever he's doing for an OSO into our relationship.

However, in other instances, those differences may be acceptable. My spouse likes blow jobs. I like giving blow jobs. However, I do have some big issues with TMJ and my spouse's size, while not all that above average, is definitely not comfortable to do a credible blowjob on him, as much as I try and as much as I've tried to figure out ways to accomodate it. I can do a credible job with my friend and my spouse is certainly free to enjoy whatever oral sex he may receive with his friends. In this case, the differences are acceptable.

In both cases, I think honest communication is what comes into play to make sure there are no misunderstandings or feeling like one is being left out or treated differently (and not a good different) or to handle such issues as they may pop up.

For my part...I've always felt there was value in having more than one boyfriend...not always for the variety, but as mentioned on other threads...if each of them shared an interest with you (say going to DCI competitions...yep yep...i'm a band geek lol, a particuarly genre of music, etc) that the others didn't...that would be awesome.

It is rather awesome being able to do things with someone that my spouse has little interest in interest in, to be perfectly honest. And it comes with a side of hot sex and a good friendship, etc.? What's not to like with that arrangement?

There would be no point to hanging out with a clone of my spouse and that would drive me absolutely nuts. I don't think my spouse could tolerate hanging out with another one of me, either! I appreciate the variety that my friend provides in any number of domains and I know my spouse enjoys the same with his friends.

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

But since neither of us have really participated some of my questions really haven't been answered to my liking. I mean, you can only get so far in a hypothetical discussion, you know? lol

Don't I know this well. Gator had some problems with things (though he was in the first half of the couples to fall in love) until he stopped asking the what ifs. There is no way that you can predict and have a plan ready for everything. Some things just have to be handled as you come to them.

How did you actually broach the topic with your hubby/wife? What about presenting it to the other couple/person? Did you ever have someone walk away from the situation?

I suppose you could say that I broached the subject with Gator in a way. I basically had to get his head out of the sand. He denied being in love with Kitten for the longest time. Before I sat down with him to discuss his feelings seriously, I had to decide what I wanted him to do about them. Needless to say, I decided to see how things would evolve.

Eventually, Gator and Kitten were not willing to see anyone else. Tech agreed with this more than I did. So, we all talked a bit and agreed to be exclusive. I think these feelings were due to insecurities of a new relationship. The established couples had enough security in their spouse to swing but that took some years. Years the new relationship hasn't had.

How do you hash out the details? Things like: is everyone on an even playing field or do you keep a primary relationship to which any secondary/tertiary ones take a lower priority to (and I really hate using that phrase to explain what I am thinking...but hopefully any readers understand what I mean)? If you aren't living together (or even if you are), is time management an issue? Do you try to keep your time with the OSO 'even' as with your SO?

Even playing field or a primary relationship. A couple of us are more comfortable with the even, everyone equal aspect than the other two are. I think I have to say it is a mixture in a way.

Here's the deal for me. My love for Tech is just about there with mine for Gator. So, close that it's hard to tell the difference. However, I have 26 years with Gator and one and a half with Tech (just like he has 13 with Kitten), and there are things I can never experience with Tech that I've done with Gator over the years. I have to say that I have a stronger bond with Gator because of this. Because, in essence, he and I grew up together.

Time management is a big issue for us. We do not live together (2 hours apart) but, as the circumstances are now, it would still be a big issue even if we did. Gator works shift work and he and I had to juggle spending time alone as it was. As Mr. Western Swing mentioned, life gets in the way of some time for he and Mrs. WS. Same here. Kitten gets Gator's off work time. His best time. I do want some of that time myself. But, until he gets a day job like the rest of us, its something we have to live with.

What about jealousy? And in a slightly related context, how would you deal with something that your sweetie doesn't do for you, but does for the OSO? Not necessarily something sexual...but for example: you like getting flowers...but hubby states he's just 'not the flower buying type'...yet he starts to routinely buy the OSO flowers. Ok, that might not be a great example, but the best I could come up with while typing on the fly...but again, hopefully you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

I've never been a jealous person. Until my husband fell in love with another woman that is. But, as rpu3 stated, I've learned that jealousy is the result of another problem or feeling. Insecurities are usually what is behind mine.

Gator does do things for Kitten that he doesn't do for me...or rarely does any more. Partly because of the new relationship energy. And partly because her personality brings that out in him. I'm more independent than Kitten is and she brings Gator's need to take care of someone out. All good until he forgets that, just because I don't need some of those things as frequently as Kitten does , it doesn't mean I don't need them at all. So, we have to have a talk. Majority of the time we can get it ironed out and things changed the first time around. Others it takes pointing out examples for the other to see that we weren't aware of doing. Gator had a problem with the way I argue with Tech. Says it is different. It is. He just had to understand it was due to the personality differences. Things like that.

For my part...I've always felt there was value in having more than one boyfriend...not always for the variety, but as mentioned on other threads...if each of them shared an interest with you (say going to DCI competitions...yep yep...i'm a band geek lol, a particuarly genre of music, etc) that the others didn't...that would be awesome. lol But, how do you decide on your level of comfort with another? ie the primary-secondary relationship or (and again I really hate the phrasing) having everyone on the same importance level. What if one partner wants one scenario and the other wants the latter?

Yes, that is one of the best things about our poly relationship. There are things that I like and Gator doesn't but Tech does. Things Tech, Kitten and Gator like that I don't. All combinations.

Vol

[fun4Ds]

Thanks for starting this thread sexcupid, These are hard things to grasp for me.

Thanks to everyone for your time explaining how you feel about some of this. This is great insight, rather unique as individual couples.

Worth reading more than once !

[sexcupid]

First of all...I would like to thank all of those who have responded thus far. Your answers/personal antecdotes have helped clarify some things.

And of course, after re-reading my initial post...and the responses...I have a few more questions that have come to mind. And I also felt the need to clarify part(s) of my OP. And throw in a few thoughts of my own as well, since my post the topic has been on my mind and Jeff and I have even discussed it a bit (after he read the thread as well).

I don't think I was really clear on some of my phrasing...I just couldn't think of a better way to say things...or perhaps better comparisions. For my comment on the 'level playing field'...I know I've used it in other threads and meant it in the context of keeping things fair/equal as far as playtime, etc.

But in this instance it was more like comparing a democracy with a monarchy/oligarchy (ha! who ever thought I'd have use for that term outside of a history class? lol )...where in the first situation everyone has an 'equal say' and in the second the 'ruling party' is your primary couple. To use one of the respondents names as an example: Gator and Vol are the primary...and Vol's relationship with Tech and Gator's relationship with Kitten is secondary...maybe making the comparision to the Presidency and Congress would be a better analogy. Sorry, I'm kind of thinking on the type. (I also do not mean to insinuate that Gator/Vol/Tech/Kitten's relationship even remotely resembles anything I've tried to type either )

The point I'm trying to make is that if the relationships with your OSOs begins to be detrimental to your relationship of origin (RO), how would you try to handle that situation? I mean, emotions make us irrational at times...in opening up to poly, do you hope that your RO will be the one chosen if it comes down to crunch time?

If involved in a triad with a single, once it evolves into a relationship you know you want to have/keep...maybe I'm getting more into polygany or polyandry here, but if the third of the triad doesn't have children or eventually wants to move on and have a primary relationship of their own (if they feel like...bad pun ahead...a third wheel) to have an actual marriage/family of their own...do you try to discuss that possibility or just hope it never happens?

In mine and Jeff's discussion, I kept coming to the conclusion that I would not be very comfortable with him having another girlfriend...but wouldn't have any problem with having another boyfriend. Yep, my hypocracy rears it's ugly little head again. But I guess that I know with certainty where Jeff stands in my heirarchy...but I can never be 100% sure where I am in his. Even though I like to think I'm pretty high up there...but who's to say if someone comes along that fits his 'ideal' better to say that I would still 'hold my rank'...yes, that's just some insecurity speaking. I have to wonder if others have those same sort of doubts. Does the insecurity come from opening yourself and the relationship up to an unknown quantity?

Again, I appreciate the replies. It's just a topic that is very interesting to me and I like seeing the different viewpoints here on the board.

Thanks again!

[Ripley & Ender]

I (Ripley) would definitely hope that my relationship with Ender would keep its importance to both of us no matter who else comes along!
However, I *have* had to face and accept the fact that no matter what - whether we open our marriage physically or emotionally, or just try to keep everything between the two of us - I can't control the possibility that someone might come along who would be a better match for one of us than the other one of us is currently. And that would be hard to deal with.
Closing our marriage, physically OR emotionally, wouldn't keep that from happening. It will or it won't, and I have to accept that. It's part of life.

But yeah, I definitely want the RO to last, first and foremost - and Ender does, too. Doesn't mean it will happen; just means it's very important to us.

Hoping something never happens vs. talking about it isn't going to make things any better...KWIM? Better to take the scary thing out of the dark and see what it really is and deal with reality.

And, er, yeah, this has poked every single speck of insecurity I have - and that's nothing minor to poke, either!

The biggest key to ME being okay with things is to have the OSO be someone with whom things feel natural to ALL parties involved, and to not have to try to twist things around so that people are comfortable. Accomodate, yes, of course - but when it's ALL accomodation, where's the peace?
BTDT both ways. Something that naturally works is worth waiting for. Something that you have to work a lot at just to get the basics to function is worth staying out of.

[rpu3]

The point I'm trying to make is that if the relationships with your OSOs begins to be detrimental to your relationship of origin (RO), how would you try to handle that situation?

If the relationship with my friend somehow began to have a negative impact on either my spouse or our marriage, then obviously there's going to be a lot of talking and reevaluation between my spouse and I. If it were that serious or the resolution is going to impact my friend, then my friend needs to know, as that was our agreement. He (and my spouse's friends) have the right to make their own choices, too.

I mean, emotions make us irrational at times...in opening up to poly, do you hope that your RO will be the one chosen if it comes down to crunch time?

Hard one to answer as I don't know what kind of crunch time is in play. Different scenarios would have a different response. Here's what I do know: ideally we can each be in outside relationships and our marriage would remain intact. I'd hope that we make the choices that make us the happiest - and I hope our relationship is something that makes my spouse happy. If it doesn't, then we've got some problems. If my spouse wanted to leave our marriage, what am I going to do about it? What if something so intrinsically necessary to our marriage changed that I had to leave the marriage? I can't force him to choose me... I'm not sure I want to force that kind of issue. What kind of marriage would it be if it was a forced decision? Anyway, kind of tough to answer this, but I hope you get my drift.

Here's what I do know: No matter who is causing the crunch time - me or my spouse - I really think for the friends' benefit, they need to be left out of it. If it came down to such an issue in my marriage - then I need to go resolve the issues no matter what the outcome is and that can only be done between me and my spouse. Out of respect to my friend, I'd have to back off of that relationship because I wouldn't want someone I consider a friend to feel they are a problem or in the middle or any other negative scenario. Again, if we are down to that, then it would be discussed with the friend for that very reason and because that's our agreement.

If involved in a triad with a single, once it evolves into a relationship you know you want to have/keep...maybe I'm getting more into polygany or polyandry here, but if the third of the triad doesn't have children or eventually wants to move on and have a primary relationship of their own (if they feel like...bad pun ahead...a third wheel) to have an actual marriage/family of their own...do you try to discuss that possibility or just hope it never happens?

Last night, one of my spouse's friends told him that they were going to have to be "just friends" because her other relationship was getting serious and he wanted monogamy. My spouse wished her well with the relationship and he's available to her as just a vanilla friend.

I don't think I could do any differently - all you can do is wish them well. I sure don't want to actively hope they never find someone that they may want to pair up with. Sounds like a recipe for some bad karma to me. Not to say that it would feel great to me nor was yesterday the greatest day on earth for my spouse. But what can you do?

In mine and Jeff's discussion, I kept coming to the conclusion that I would not be very comfortable with him having another girlfriend...but wouldn't have any problem with having another boyfriend. Yep, my hypocracy rears it's ugly little head again. But I guess that I know with certainty where Jeff stands in my heirarchy...but I can never be 100% sure where I am in his. Even though I like to think I'm pretty high up there...but who's to say if someone comes along that fits his 'ideal' better to say that I would still 'hold my rank'...yes, that's just some insecurity speaking. I have to wonder if others have those same sort of doubts. Does the insecurity come from opening yourself and the relationship up to an unknown quantity?

You are asking some tough questions!

Some of what I'm figuring out and working on is that I'm far more insecure than I thought - in the realm of "Why would anyone want to hang out with me? I don't think I have anything to offer. Hell, some days I'm not even sure why my spouse is with me! And I don't know how to do this and why isn't there a damn rule book! Blah, blah, blah..." kind of thoughts. So yes, insecurity has come into play - far more than jealousy. My fears have a lot to do with the unknown - I am a great control freak and great worrier/overthinker and not knowing what to do and what's going to happen can be hard on my head! Trying to be more confident and trusting in people, situations and the future is definitely a work in progress.

I spoke with my friend last night on a few different topics, and he said something that was rather simple, but for some reason it's never occurred to me or registered. Basically, the gist was that he would not be in our FWB situation unless he wanted to be. If it didn't fit or wasn't working - that would be that. In a complete "duh!" moment for me, a lot of worry I was having about the friendship was dissipated with that simple realization that this person is here in this situation and in this oddball scenario with me by choice and I don't need to worry about if the situation is okay/is working for him. Same with my spouse. Same with me. Aren't we all in our various situations because we choose to be? I told you it was a duh! kind of moment!

I think becoming a bit more secure to deal well with your partner's/OSO's other relationships requires realizing you can't control everything and requires believing, even if your fear is telling you otherwise, that someone is with you because they want to be with you. That, and perhaps a realization that you can't be replaced - you are the only you out there. The ranking part.... boy, I have nothing there. My mantra is "Not better. Different." Can you really rank different? Can you really be held in lesser esteem because you are different from another that fills different needs? How can you compare and rank people?

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

The point I'm trying to make is that if the relationships with your OSOs begins to be detrimental to your relationship of origin (RO), how would you try to handle that situation? I mean, emotions make us irrational at times...in opening up to poly, do you hope that your RO will be the one chosen if it comes down to crunch time?

Crunch time came for us. Gator and I. To a small degree for Tech and Kitten. Gator and Kitten feel hard for each other at the very beginning. Even if Gator didn't recognize it for what it was. So, hard that Gator broke rules that we had. And he had double standards for me. It was to the point that Gator had left me in every way but actually moving out. I fought. I could have at any point, I suppose, said I do not want this any more. However, I felt that if I could just penetrate that NRE (new relationship energy....all the newness and excitement) we would be ok. Things would settle down. It did come to the point that I had to ask Gator to take a step back. You should go at the pace of the slowest person in poly relationships as well. He was running and leaving me staring after him. Asking him to step back from Kitten caused some hard times. He resented me doing that. Until he figured out that was what he was doing. And until Tech and I actually started to have feelings for each other. Then he realized he didn't want to lose US. It took work. Between Gator and I, Tech and Gator, all the combinations. Kitten had to get used to not being the number one person in his life and that she had to share him with me. I won't tell you that any of this was easy. We feel it has been worth it. We were raised monogamous and occasionally those old habits rear there head but it's very seldom these days. Were there days I regretted ever trying to go down this path? Of course. But my biggest concern was whether Gator was happy or not. Now, I want all three of them happy. I know that the four of us have told each other now that, at the end of the day, if all isn't well, we'll stay with our RO. Like I said previously, I have a greater bond with Gator because of all we've gone through together. But the bottom line is, that he could chose Kitten or even someone else. What really makes being poly a situation that is more likely to happen in? Just as with swinging, he knows what is available to him. Why would he go looking for different?

Now, since the four of us have the goal to move in together, that will change some things. Right now, Gator and I and Tech and Kitten each make daily decisions that would have to be shared then. We'd consult each other more. We are good about all four of us making joint decisions instead of one of the four couples making them alone. We really want for each other the same things so, once we passed the hurdles we've faced, the primary and secondary aren't as pronounced. It's still there but not so obvious because we each understand our place to each other. And I think it is different for each of us.

In mine and Jeff's discussion, I kept coming to the conclusion that I would not be very comfortable with him having another girlfriend...but wouldn't have any problem with having another boyfriend. Yep, my hypocracy rears it's ugly little head again. But I guess that I know with certainty where Jeff stands in my heirarchy...but I can never be 100% sure where I am in his. Even though I like to think I'm pretty high up there...but who's to say if someone comes along that fits his 'ideal' better to say that I would still 'hold my rank'...yes, that's just some insecurity speaking. I have to wonder if others have those same sort of doubts. Does the insecurity come from opening yourself and the relationship up to an unknown quantity?

I never was insecure regarding Gator until we became involved with Tech and Kitten. Probably the reason I wasn't ever really jealous. The two go hand in hand for me I've realized. Coming to the realization that there isn't really anything I can do once I've given it my best, was the best thing for me. When I realized that if Gator wanted out, he would just go. I know now that he didn't really want out at the beginning when it seemed he did. He knows now that he personally can not have two wives and treat each as a wife the way he wants to. He has to have a wife and a girlfriend. Kitten calls him her boyfriend. Tech can do the two wives thing and calls me such. I call him my other husband. You can't really compare to me. They are just different. I've not come across anything that I would do for Gator that I wouldn't do for Tech. Gator knows this but knows we have just that little something more between us and that makes it ok with him.

Vol