1+1+1=3?

serenandsol · 05-27-2008, 01:17 AM

Okay guys we need help with this one:

My wife and I have a mutual friend who we are both deeply attracted to. The attraction goes beyond the basic physical "let's fuck her" we all connect on multiple levels and get along quite well. Our mutual talk is heavily laden with innuendos from all three of us, sometimes they are light and playful and at other times they can be a little more direct. It seems as though we are all feeling each other out (so to speak).

My wife and I are in a stable marriage and we have always wanted to add a third to our relationship, for companionship, friendship and sex. We have been very careful in defining what are hopes and expectations are for each other and anyone we ask to be part of our family. We have children and this relationship would have to meet our strict criteria so that all who are involved are comfortable.

Our mutual friend has been in our life for about half a year now and she meets are criteria. We've discussed this heavily and have decided that she is our ideal for the triad. As I've stated before, we have all been very playful and the talk is quite sexy most of the time, how should we proceed to find out if she is receptive to becoming our third? There is a caveat to all of this, she happens to be involved in a dead-end marriage (her words, not ours). We love talking with her and we have much in commen. Every conversation she is the first to initiate loving statements, or flirty statements and she also brings up how frustrated she is with her husband and their marriage. Any advice?

screaminggood · 05-27-2008, 01:39 AM

I know a lot of people are going to respond that you shouldn't make a move because she's married...and you definitely should consider the potential pitfalls. If you two still feel like she's the one and you're both willing to risk it, then a simple, half-joking, half-serious question, "Ah, you say that now, but would you ever really do it?" might be a nonthreatening way to bring the topic to the forefront. She's then in control to choose how to answer your invitation but if she says no, you're not destroying the friendship.

serenandsol · 05-27-2008, 01:52 AM

Thanks for the input. That's definitely an issue for both of us....and we're supportive of whatever she decides in that respect. We definitely don't want to break up a marriage and wouldn't have ever considered this except for the fact that she started a lot of sexy talk with Seren. Tonight at our dinner with her, it became pretty evident to both of us that she was flirting heavily.

That is a great response and very pragmatic. We've already decided to take things very, very slow because of the circumstances. But once we get to the point of being able to ask, that's a great way to do it. Thanks.

**ncmd_couple** · 05-27-2008, 06:19 AM

Sol,

Having been in a dead end marriage myself, it sounds like your friend is exploring who she is and what she wants in life. I was there once. She may be in a dead end marriage, but people often stay in them much longer than they should, and that can mean years. There ususally has to be some event that causes them to shuck what they have become accustomed to and leave. There are a lot of variables in this that we don't know. Ages, does she have kids, all those types of things. It has also been my experience that people coming out of an old relationship often don't make good decisions about new relationships right away. I suggest that the two of you be good friends with her and support her through what may come. I hope that you hang around here and keep us posted on how things are going. Good luck!

S

mick2150 · 05-27-2008, 10:12 AM

I do more reading here than posting, but .... I do have a feeling I can add something helpful here .... So,

Since the post is on the Poly section, it suggests to me, a Poly person - & OP mentioned this early on - that there is a srong hope that this current friendship can go deeper into the area of true intimacy and sexuality. Poly thinking in the main, tends to lean heavily on openness, trust, clarity of communications .... most of which leads to transparency. (And not to forget the other partner ... how does he get into the communications/discussions??)

Often, to reach this level of trust and understanding can mean being prepared to make one's self open to being vulnerable and concsiously being able to live with that risk, even though it may be painful.

Moving slowly, respectfully, openly and with honest intent, would be how I would be most comfortable and sensitive to the potentially wonderful opportunity that may be ahead for you all.

Sounds as if you are already moving, with sensitivity in the right direction - Good Luck!

M.

**fun4Ds** · 05-27-2008, 11:16 AM

I guess 1+1+1= 3 sounds better than 2+2-1=3

I would be concerned with how that -1 guy felt.

Do you know him as being sane and everything ?

Is he just generally o.k. with the future situation ?

At this time does he even know he is about to be the -1 guy ?

I have to be honest, its one major thing we concern ourselves with in our FMF situations. We have learned to appreciate our female friends independence.

Well, someone had to ask

**LikeMinds321** · 05-27-2008, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

I guess 1+1+1= 3 sounds better than 2+2-1=3

I would be concerned with how that -1 guy felt.

I, too, think her husband is a primary element in the equation.

You expressed how ideal this woman is for you two, but I'm not sure you've even mentioned to her what you have in mind. I get the feeling you haven't.

Considering having sex with someone (swinging without poly) is lightweight compared to what you are hoping for. There are many more steps to take and things to consider here. It could turn out that this is the start to something beautiful and enriching.

First though, this woman would need to know what you have in mind. Presenting it to her will be a major consideration in her life because it will change everything she presently knows. She has a husband, maybe children. Will she consider divorce? Are you hoping she will leave her husband and join you? Lots to think about.

Before you get your hopes too high, talk with her about your vision and see if she is open to the new life you have in mind. You won't know what your next steps together will be unless you do.

LM

WesternSwing · 05-29-2008, 11:46 PM

I think screaminggood give some good advice on breaching the subject with a joke or off-hand comment and gauge her reaction.

One thing I would be aware of though is that she is probably acting this way because she is in a dead-end marriage and you are new and different, therefore fun and flirty. She could just be infatuated with you two because you are new and different. If she actually did get divorced she may want something completely different. Right now you are a needed break from her real life. When real life sets in with you she may not want that either. If something did happen you could be nothing more than a grudge-fuck to her, though it may not feel that way at the time. Remember, there is a reason that more second marriages fail that firsts. It is because so many people leave one person for another because they seem so "dreamy" and "fairytale-like" and everything is just so "right" when they are together. Then real life sets in and it's not the fairytale they had imagined... It's just different than where they were.

rdy46227 · 05-30-2008, 09:12 PM

It's possible that she wants a relationship and her marriage. You may have a lot to give her which she wants and can get from you , without having to divorce.

If so, the question moves to her relationship with her husband. Is she willing to negotiate with him to allow you to be a three-some?

Things may change later -- she may decided to divorce him or you, but I'd expect that you could have a nice season together.

(Which reminds me of the saying, people come to you for a reason, a season, or a life-time.)

likeitalot04 · 05-30-2008, 11:54 PM

It all sounds great except for the husband part...this could cause a lot of problems for all of you.

If you want to "feel her out", next time you are together you and your wife could say, "You sound so stressed out, let the two of us give you a nice relaxing massage." Then see where it goes...you can't give a good massage with clothes on, can you?

serenandsol · 06-09-2008, 02:00 AM

Hey all! Seren here.

I just wanted to thank everyone on this thread for giving us advice about this. I've spent some more time together with her, and she is still very flirty but seems (if anything) she wants it to be a girl thing. IF she wants anything at all. At this point, I've decided we will see what happens in the future but I'm putting my swinging and/or poly eggs elsewhere for now. Eventually we'd love to have a poly relationship....but for now we're still looking for our first swinging experience.

But thinking about her has given US some incredible times in bed!

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05-27-2008, 01:17 AM	#1 (permalink)
serenandsol Registered Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 4 Location: california Status: couple m/f	1+1+1=3? Okay guys we need help with this one: My wife and I have a mutual friend who we are both deeply attracted to. The attraction goes beyond the basic physical "let's fuck her" we all connect on multiple levels and get along quite well. Our mutual talk is heavily laden with innuendos from all three of us, sometimes they are light and playful and at other times they can be a little more direct. It seems as though we are all feeling each other out (so to speak). My wife and I are in a stable marriage and we have always wanted to add a third to our relationship, for companionship, friendship and sex. We have been very careful in defining what are hopes and expectations are for each other and anyone we ask to be part of our family. We have children and this relationship would have to meet our strict criteria so that all who are involved are comfortable. Our mutual friend has been in our life for about half a year now and she meets are criteria. We've discussed this heavily and have decided that she is our ideal for the triad. As I've stated before, we have all been very playful and the talk is quite sexy most of the time, how should we proceed to find out if she is receptive to becoming our third? There is a caveat to all of this, she happens to be involved in a dead-end marriage (her words, not ours). We love talking with her and we have much in commen. Every conversation she is the first to initiate loving statements, or flirty statements and she also brings up how frustrated she is with her husband and their marriage. Any advice?

05-27-2008, 01:39 AM	#2 (permalink)
screaminggood Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 813 Location: Dallas TX Status: couple	Re: 1+1+1=3? I know a lot of people are going to respond that you shouldn't make a move because she's married...and you definitely should consider the potential pitfalls. If you two still feel like she's the one and you're both willing to risk it, then a simple, half-joking, half-serious question, "Ah, you say that now, but would you ever really do it?" might be a nonthreatening way to bring the topic to the forefront. She's then in control to choose how to answer your invitation but if she says no, you're not destroying the friendship.

05-27-2008, 01:52 AM	#3 (permalink)
serenandsol Registered Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 4 Location: california Status: couple m/f	Re: 1+1+1=3? Thanks for the input. That's definitely an issue for both of us....and we're supportive of whatever she decides in that respect. We definitely don't want to break up a marriage and wouldn't have ever considered this except for the fact that she started a lot of sexy talk with Seren. Tonight at our dinner with her, it became pretty evident to both of us that she was flirting heavily. That is a great response and very pragmatic. We've already decided to take things very, very slow because of the circumstances. But once we get to the point of being able to ask, that's a great way to do it. Thanks.

05-27-2008, 06:19 AM	#4 (permalink)
ncmd_couple Julie's Helper Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 1,486 Location: North Carolina Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:ncmd_couple	Re: 1+1+1=3? Sol, Having been in a dead end marriage myself, it sounds like your friend is exploring who she is and what she wants in life. I was there once. She may be in a dead end marriage, but people often stay in them much longer than they should, and that can mean years. There ususally has to be some event that causes them to shuck what they have become accustomed to and leave. There are a lot of variables in this that we don't know. Ages, does she have kids, all those types of things. It has also been my experience that people coming out of an old relationship often don't make good decisions about new relationships right away. I suggest that the two of you be good friends with her and support her through what may come. I hope that you hang around here and keep us posted on how things are going. Good luck! S __________________ Try anything once, twice if it is fun, three times if it is real good!

05-27-2008, 10:12 AM	#5 (permalink)
mick2150 Here to Stay Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Mississauga, Ontario. Status: Single Male	Re: 1+1+1=3? I do more reading here than posting, but .... I do have a feeling I can add something helpful here .... So, Since the post is on the Poly section, it suggests to me, a Poly person - & OP mentioned this early on - that there is a srong hope that this current friendship can go deeper into the area of true intimacy and sexuality. Poly thinking in the main, tends to lean heavily on openness, trust, clarity of communications .... most of which leads to transparency. (And not to forget the other partner ... how does he get into the communications/discussions??) Often, to reach this level of trust and understanding can mean being prepared to make one's self open to being vulnerable and concsiously being able to live with that risk, even though it may be painful. Moving slowly, respectfully, openly and with honest intent, would be how I would be most comfortable and sensitive to the potentially wonderful opportunity that may be ahead for you all. Sounds as if you are already moving, with sensitivity in the right direction - Good Luck! M.

05-27-2008, 11:16 AM	#6 (permalink)
fun4Ds Julie's Helper Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 4,018 Location: Indiana. Status: couple Swing Lifestyle Name:mrmrsfun Blog Entries: 16	Re: 1+1+1=3? I guess 1+1+1= 3 sounds better than 2+2-1=3 I would be concerned with how that -1 guy felt. Do you know him as being sane and everything ? Is he just generally o.k. with the future situation ? At this time does he even know he is about to be the -1 guy ? I have to be honest, its one major thing we concern ourselves with in our FMF situations. We have learned to appreciate our female friends independence. Well, someone had to ask __________________ well... at least we are normal pervs

05-29-2008, 11:46 PM	#8 (permalink)
WesternSwing South of disorder Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 2,913 Location: Utah Status: Male half of married couple	Re: 1+1+1=3? I think screaminggood give some good advice on breaching the subject with a joke or off-hand comment and gauge her reaction. One thing I would be aware of though is that she is probably acting this way because she is in a dead-end marriage and you are new and different, therefore fun and flirty. She could just be infatuated with you two because you are new and different. If she actually did get divorced she may want something completely different. Right now you are a needed break from her real life. When real life sets in with you she may not want that either. If something did happen you could be nothing more than a grudge-fuck to her, though it may not feel that way at the time. Remember, there is a reason that more second marriages fail that firsts. It is because so many people leave one person for another because they seem so "dreamy" and "fairytale-like" and everything is just so "right" when they are together. Then real life sets in and it's not the fairytale they had imagined... It's just different than where they were. __________________ "God created sex. Priests created marriage." ~ Voltaire

05-30-2008, 09:12 PM	#9 (permalink)
rdy46227 Here to Stay Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 94 Location: Indianapolis Status: Male/Couple	Re: 1+1+1=3? It's possible that she wants a relationship and her marriage. You may have a lot to give her which she wants and can get from you , without having to divorce. If so, the question moves to her relationship with her husband. Is she willing to negotiate with him to allow you to be a three-some? Things may change later -- she may decided to divorce him or you, but I'd expect that you could have a nice season together. (Which reminds me of the saying, people come to you for a reason, a season, or a life-time.)

05-30-2008, 11:54 PM	#10 (permalink)
likeitalot04 Here to Stay Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 51 Location: So Cal Status: couple	Re: 1+1+1=3? It all sounds great except for the husband part...this could cause a lot of problems for all of you. If you want to "feel her out", next time you are together you and your wife could say, "You sound so stressed out, let the two of us give you a nice relaxing massage." Then see where it goes...you can't give a good massage with clothes on, can you?

06-09-2008, 02:00 AM	#11 (permalink)
serenandsol Registered Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 4 Location: california Status: couple m/f	Re: 1+1+1=3? Hey all! Seren here. I just wanted to thank everyone on this thread for giving us advice about this. I've spent some more time together with her, and she is still very flirty but seems (if anything) she wants it to be a girl thing. IF she wants anything at all. At this point, I've decided we will see what happens in the future but I'm putting my swinging and/or poly eggs elsewhere for now. Eventually we'd love to have a poly relationship....but for now we're still looking for our first swinging experience. But thinking about her has given US some incredible times in bed!

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