Poly vs swinging

[bendmeovernow]

well we are the type that want a cpl to move out to our ranch when we get it built. we want a swingers ranch and a cpl to live with us and be in our lives. that's 10 yrs down the road... small kids.... but it's a part of the dream for me.

[sereneiders]

Javelin,

I believe you're addresing two very different issues here. One about "making friends", and another about "making a polyamory relationship".

We have friends and we experienced a polyamory relationship with a gal for over a year. So here's my two cents.

About friends... well, I already had friends and my wife already had her owns before meeting togheter, we keept them and we've made a few more friends togheter since then, but... we're not looking for new friendships. Perhaps here I should point out a cultural difference: where we live, people is less nomad than in the US, so 1) you can have and keep friends for a lifetime, and 2) here it doesn't exist that of "becoming friend" of your next door neighbohr.

In any case, from time to time we bump against new people and we find out there's enough to enjoy spending time togheter, and some day we're calling them "our friends", both in the vanilla world and in swingerland.

As we're not looking for new friends, we'd run away from anyone wanting to "become our friends" right from the scratch: they'd be valuating the abstract concept of friendship more than ourselves, we'd be just the chips they need over the "frienship game" board, as anyone else wanting to fit the mold would, without being chosen for what we are. Moreover, such an abstract concept would be just an idealization, the way they expect a frienship to be, and we'd be having to be up to meet their expectatives (disregarding ours) instead of letting it evolve or activelly constructing a relationship.

This is much like the lonely women deperated to marry someone, anyone, just to fulfill a role culturally expected from her. Men run away from those women, they'd be chosen just to be the decorative doll in her wedding cake. As those women hardly would have a succesfull marriage finding someone out of a crave, you hardly will have a succesfull friendship out of your need of having friends.

It's just that ANY relationship is a construction and everyone involved should be commited to build it, and everyone involved should be able to sketch over the blueprint and choose when and how to put their own resources at work.

It is true, it is difficult to make new friends, and this is what makes a frienship valuable. If it were something really easy to achieve, then the resulting friendships wouldn't worth a dime. And you cannot force anyone, nor talk anyone into the "adventages of being friends".

And, if it is this hard to make new vanilla friends, go figure when you're not only looking for people willing to fir the mold of your abstraction for a "frienship", but also to fit the mold of your abstraction for a poly relationship, moreover within a culture that doesn't teach people in poliamory (so most of us don't ever have a clue of what to expect or how to deal with the polyamory issues), and expect us all to be monogamous.

The reality have the ugly habit of avoiding to stick to our plans and fantasies. And I feel your're trying to argue this fact. If so, you have a really hard work ahead of you, and even worst, you're already deemed to fail.

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by javelin

You'd think when you meet someone at say Hedo, you already have a lot in common, a shared interest. When the real world comes back, I think people turn back into everyday people and those cool new friends they met on vacation loose relevance in the real world.

I have to agree with LikeMinds on this. Vacations are often an escape from everyday life. They can recharge your batteries for living that life no matter how busy it is.

Originally Posted by javelin

Also, I don't expect to be thrust into peoples lives on a daily basis, but would like to be given a chance to make friends. Like I said, we aren't into the casual nature of casual swinging. I used to defend the term swinging, even apply it to ourselves, but that was early on. Once I saw the conquest attitude at work, well, that pretty much ended it for me. Thus, the appeal of polyamory. Thus the too busy comment, it is going to be hard to get to know anyone well enough to develop a poly relationship without ever getting the chance to get to know them.

I'm reading that you don't like the casualness of the swinging lifestyle. (And for the most part it is casual sex.) That now you are looking for a polyamorous relationship instead. Where are you looking to find another couple? Within the swinging community? If so, then I fear you have a hard road ahead of you. Have you done an internet search for a poly group in your area? In order to find like-minded people you need to look for them in the right place. Though the swinging community is where we found our other husband and wife, it isn't the norm at all. And truthfully, I wasn't looking for it at all. Casual sex was ok with me. I had my husband for the rest. I just believe you will have better luck finding what you are looking for in the poly community.

Vol