When poly starts effecting your swinging

[WesternSwing]

My best friend is a woman we met in the lifestyle. She's not married but is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend, and they live together. I have to admit, I have feelings for her. Mrs. WS is all for me having this woman in my life in any facet I can. In fact her and her boyfriend stayed at our house for nearly a week this month as they were between moving out of their old place and their new rental wasn't ready in time for them to move in. The problem with my relationship with her is that she's not ready for having a multiple man relationship or swinging with other men, although her boyfriend encourages it wholeheartedly. So for now we're just going to be best friends, and I'm okay with that.

So what's the issue?

Well, I've found myself not really interested in swinging partners. Last weekend I was playing with a woman I'm very attracted to sexually and have played with several times over the past year, but this time IT just wasn't there for me. It was good, but I just wasn't into it as much as I've been in the past with her. What's changed? I've developed feelings past just friendship with my friend. I've been attracted to her since the first time we met, but it's grown into more. At least for me. It's kind of like that charge you get at the beginning of a relationship where others kind of become invisible to you.

Is it a huge problem? No. More of just a dilemma. How to solve it? I don't know.

So, I guess I wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences, whether just swinging and become exclusive with someone, or just swinging in general and a similar thing has happened, whether there was feelings involved or not? Did you keep playing with others and just didn't enjoy it as much? Or did you stop swinging with others? How did you partner take it?

For instance we have some friends where the wife has become exclusive with the husband of another couple and her and her husband only play as a couple, but he doesn't want to be exclusive but he's accepted it and he's getting kind of resentful that there are many other women that he's interested in and he's bound into this quad situation.

This won't happen to Mrs. WS and I, but I need to get my mojo back with others. Sex with my friend just won't happen - at least for awhile. And if it never does that's fine too. I'm just glad she's in my life. But it is effecting my fun with other women and that is weighing heavy on me.

Mr. WS

[lovelygirl2]

Wow I so need to hear the answer to this question!

We met a single guy a few months back and he and I have been getting very close. We talk on the phone daily and see each other twice a week usually.

I'm finding that I just don't have the same oomph for swinging that I used to. And it's causing issues.

Hubby does not have an OSO and is still very much interested in swinging. And on two recent occasions I've let him make a decision on a couple without giving my full opinion (which was negative) due to feeling like everything has been about me lately. Little bit of guilt I guess. Then the following morning felt awful about it, felt less towards myself because I did something I normally wouldn't have done. Which in turn made him feel bad that he inadvertently led me into a situation that made me uncomfortable.

I feel like I need to pull back from my boyfriend a bit, but at the same time don't want to. He makes me so happy. and having both guys just makes me feel complete in a way that I didn't have before.

Hubby is completely fine with my relationship with Boyfriend and they get along great. We've talked at length on my feeling with swinging and have agreed to pull back and talk more and that he is fine with me saying No and not doing something I'll regret later out of some feeling of owing him.

But I'm concerned that I don't have the desire anymore. And I want it back.

[ncmd_couple]

WS & Lovely,

Time, only time will take care of this.

Several years ago a friend of “L’s” moved in with us after a split with her husband. They go way back to school days and have known each other for years. The lady was fun to be with and I like her a lot. Nothing sexual ever happened, but the signs were all over the place from her. Eventually she moved out, and just next door. “L” was not happy because she read the desire in billboard print also. The years have passed, she still lives next door, and we are still friends. The infatuation with her has passed by keeping her at arms distance. This all happened long before we started swinging. I still like her a lot, but unless something happens to bring her to my attention, I don’t think about her.

WS,

What will be will be. You just have put your feelings in a pooka and close the lid on it. If the situation changes some time in the future, great. If they don’t, you still have a friend. And in time, you will adjust emotionally.

Lovely,

Sounds like you and your husband are doing what needs to be done in your situation.

Good luck to you both!

S

[sereneiders]

Even when we had poly relationships, it didn't happen to me what's happening to you. However, I think poly has few to do with your problem.

I correlate what you're saying with my experience, waaay long ago, when I was single and enjoyed jumping from bed to bed. It happened to me a couple of times that I developed such a crush on some gal, that I lost interest in other women, even well known regular lovers.

I guess the same is happening here. Moreover when you had the chance to see her on an every day basis for a week, and even discuss the odds of fulfilling your desires with her and her BF, something turning your dreams into feasuble ones.

As it was said, it is a matter of time, until you get over her.

[lustylearning]

Forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest... Can't help but agree with the others ~ time. Time will help enliven your interest in others and put your interest in this chickie in its place. Consider this, wouldn't your desire for her wane if you could have her the way you want? She is not, after all, Mrs. WS.

Suggestion... how about a to do list - those others you've wanted to do, but haven't put much effort into - distraction works wonders.

[WesternSwing]

Thank you all for your replies. I have my head on very straight about the whole situation, and like I said, if nothing more ever comes of our relationship, no problem. She is a spectacular woman and Mrs. WS thinks the world of her also (Mrs. WS offered our home to them for the week). I know it will wane, but it sucks right now.

Yes ncmb, you are right, time will do it's deal and take it one way or the other. Either way which is fine with me. And what I've done is put my feelings in a pooka and put the lid on it because to do anything else would be to make her uncomfortable and would dig myself in further. It's nice to know from someone who's been there that I'm on doing what someone else successfully has done.

Forbidden fruit? Not really. More like "elusive fruit". Mrs. WS knows of our affection for each other and so does K's boyfriend. We have their complete blessing to pursue something more if we wanted to. Just at this time, K doesn't feel she can carry-on two intimately meaningful relationships at one time. And that is fine with me. It's not an easy thing to do.

Would my desire for her wane if I could have her the way I want? I don't know. I guess that is part of accepting poly as a possible way of life. She isn't Mrs. WS and therefore she fulfills a different part of my life. The encompassing idea of polyamory is that no one person can be everything to you, and it's unfair to ask them to be. It's both of you allowing others to fulfill in your partner the things you can't to help them be a more complete person. It's accepting your limitations and allowing your partner to pursue fulfillment in those areas elsewhere instead of having them resent you for not living-up to the "one and only" fantasy.

Which is a liberating concept once it is fully understood. All of a sudden the burden of having to be "everything" to someone is lifted. The pressure is gone and you feel emotionally like someone has lifted a 1,000 lbs off of you.

When our first poly situation came-up a couple of years ago it was with a single guy that had come into our life. At that time we were uncomfortable with the idea of "feelings" developing between swing partners (or at least I was), but it happened. Mrs. WS fell for this guy and this guy developed feelings for her in particular and us in general. He became her boyfriend and one of my best friends. He is also the opposite of me. I'm more the "thinker" type, he is more the "caveman" type. I'm a white-collar management-type, he is an ex-Marine who is in law enforcement to this day. Mrs. WS served her stint in the Army during the same GWI period so they had allot in common there that I won't ever have and I'll never really understand. So he truly fulfilled a part of her I can't and she was incredibly happy. As a side-effect I was surprisingly happy as all of a sudden her being happy lifted that weight of having to fulfill every part of her off of me. That is what turned our minds about poly.

So I'd never want her to be Mrs. WS because I don't want a replacement for Mrs. WS anymore than Mrs. WS wants a boyfriend to replace me. It'd truly "in addition to", not "replacement for". At the root of it all, love is love, but some of the things you appreciate about someone and what they bring to your life is individual to each person.

That all said, I just have to continue being her friend since that is what we are - best friends.

Thanks all for chiming in.

[sexychoclit]

O.K. I am not an expert in any way but I can tell you that I have had the exact same experience.

The couple that I am currently with is one that I have been with off and on for almost four years. The husband and I used to talk at least 2 - 3 times per day and if we weren't talking we were chatting on line. I would visit the couple about 1 - 2 times per month. I used to live 2 hours away from them but now I am over 3 hours away from them. We would (and still) go on vacations together and they have both come and visited me in S.C. It can make for a wonderful experience but it can also be a stressful one.

I say this because I have to please two people. If she is mad at him, I hear about it. On the otherhand, if he is mad with her I hear about it. If there is something going on with the children, I hear about it.

Over the past four years I have dated other guys and have been faithful to them, however, I can't help thinking about the husband of the couple that I date. He's handsome, intelligent and besides a few bumps in the road, he is a good man.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to marry him. I don't think that I could remain in the lifestyle if I were married. But I do enjoy the time that I spend with him.

I mention all of this to say, yes, it is understandable that you have affection and it sounds like you are emotionally tied to the other woman. I can see how it would be difficult to feel the same for other women. Maybe it's because you feel that you have all that you need in your wife and the other woman. That is a great thing as long as it doesn't effect the relationship that you have with your wife.

Now, here is the stinger. I realize that I am attracted to the husband because I don't HAVE to deal with him on a daily basis. We don't have a mortgage, car payment, other debts or kids together. If he gets pissed off for some reason at me, I don't have to see or talk to him until he gets over it and the same goes for him. If I were married to him it is quite possible that I wouldn't like him at all.

I have been with two other couples and they didn't compare to the couple that I date. Its not that the sex wasn't good, just other things were off. When I go to clubs and hotel parties I wind up watching other people and I am attached at the hip to the couple. I don't go to things by myself because I don't want to have to tell someone "no". He tells people no for me. So that works out well for me.

Some people say that the swinging is all about sex. Well, sometimes the sex comes with an emotional tie. I can't say if it is right or wrong, whatever works for you, works for you. Don't push finding a lot of different lovers if that isn't what you want. No one can tell you what is right for you. As long as you can be honest with yourself and your wife, it's all good.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by sexychoclit

The couple that I am currently with is one that I have been with off and on for almost four years. The husband and I used to talk at least 2 - 3 times per day and if we weren't talking we were chatting on line. I would visit the couple about 1 - 2 times per month. I used to live 2 hours away from them but now I am over 3 hours away from them. We would (and still) go on vacations together and they have both come and visited me in S.C. It can make for a wonderful experience but it can also be a stressful one.

I say this because I have to please two people. If she is mad at him, I hear about it. On the otherhand, if he is mad with her I hear about it. If there is something going on with the children, I hear about it.

This is interesting to hear from "the other person" point of view. You have to remain neutral and not take sides. This has to be tough situation to be in sometimes.

I mention all of this to say, yes, it is understandable that you have affection and it sounds like you are emotionally tied to the other woman. I can see how it would be difficult to feel the same for other women. Maybe it's because you feel that you have all that you need in your wife and the other woman. That is a great thing as long as it doesn't effect the relationship that you have with your wife.

An that it never would. We've been in the lifestyle for more than a few years now and are by no means newbies or having first-time crushes. In fact, although I've enjoyed many women in the lifestyle, this one kind of blindsided me two years ago when we first met. I've had a bond to her, and her to me since that day. We've never acted on it outside of becoming good friends because she's not in the place in her head where she wants more than one boyfriend. I think in reality what she would really like, and what she needs more, is a girlfriend to fill in the gaps.

With all that is going on in our life right now I've lost allot of interest in swinging because I just don't seem to have the time for myself much less others. She's still my friend, we still talk every day either on the phone, via text or on IM. I think I'm just worn-out and where my feelings for her were never an issue before with swinging, I just don't have anything left right now and like you said, Mrs. WS and she are all I need emotionally and physically right now.

Would it effect my relationship with my wife? Never. Like I said, we're not greenhorns to swinging or to polyamory. In fact, Mrs. WS loves her as a friend and loves her for what she brings to my life.

Now, here is the stinger. I realize that I am attracted to the husband because I don't HAVE to deal with him on a daily basis. We don't have a mortgage, car payment, other debts or kids together. If he gets pissed off for some reason at me, I don't have to see or talk to him until he gets over it and the same goes for him. If I were married to him it is quite possible that I wouldn't like him at all.

I think this is a very true quote for many relationships, especially non-swinging ones where a spouse leaves their partner for another person. It's all fairytale and sunshine and glitter-rain until you have to wake-up next to them every day.

I have been with two other couples and they didn't compare to the couple that I date. Its not that the sex wasn't good, just other things were off.

It's been this way with us and single men. Our first poly experience with a steady boyfriend for Mrs. WS set the bar too high for other men. He is the benchmark by which they all are compared to, and none have measured-up since.

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing]

UPDATE: K broke-up with her boyfriend a couple of months ago. Things just weren't going to work between them for reasons I won't get into here, but in short she has finally had it with their relationship not going anywhere besides "shacking-up". She's turned 30 and is looking toward marriage and having kids and this just isn't even a possibility with him.

As far as me? Well, we're still best friends. But that is all it can be. Where I think we both would be good for each other in other circumstances, I just can't provide her with what she needs, a monogamous relationship for a while and kids. I'm married and V-safe. Even if I was single I couldn't provide all of what she wants right now, and it would not be fair for me to prevent her from having that for herself just to fulfill my own selfish desires.

So, friends it is. And that's just fine with me.

Mr. WS

[LikeMinds321]

Thank you for updating us, WesternSwing.

I am happy that you are still in touch with K. I hope she finds a man with whom she can fall in love with and start a family with. I also hope that you will become good friends with him.

LM

[ncmd_couple]

Mr. WS,

One of the hardest things to do is know when you have to let someone go that you love. I know this feeling all too well.

S