Wife's boyfriend's thoughts about my accepting them

[VegasLee]

Don't take this wrong but I have a feeling the BF is really having his cake and eating it to here.

He has no real reason to but any effort into "fixing" his marriage. He has a good thing going on the side and is using it to fulfill his life and leaving his wife to fend for herself.

I would be careful that if he ever gets to the point to finally set his wife "free" he may be asking more of your wife and less of you as time goes on. It appears that he may be trying to set up his future here. I hope I am wrong but all I have to go from is what I am reading here that you have explained.

He may not even know he is doing this. Humans like to not be out in the cold and tend to cover their butt when it comes to possibly ending up alone.

If I was in your position, I would be wanting to have a meeting of all concerned, you, your wife, the BF and his wife. Find out what is really happening on all sides.

I am betting there is much more to this then has been explained here and that may be because you have been misled.

Good luck and hope no one gets hurt in this.

[GoNatural]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Maybe that's because he can't fathom giving his wife the same freedom that he has, and he can't quite wrap his mind around why you can?

That is exactly what came to my mind.

[WesternSwing]

The short answer is that for many the concept of a spouse being okay with it is just too hard to wrap their mind around.

The long answer is - we, as a society, have been taught from the day we were born that a marriage is between one man and one woman, and any variation upon that is wrong. Or that what you are doing would be okay if there wasn't that piece of paper between you saying you're married because when you get married you're supposed to "own" your spouse. Or they simply can't get over their own insecurities, they would never let anyone else have sex with a person they were serious with much less be in a poly situation, and therefore don't understand why you don't feel the same as they do. People tend to think that love = jealousy and the more jealous you are the more you must love someone.

This is a reason we've have trouble finding those that we are interested in having a relationship with. For Mrs. WS, other men just don't get it. As your wife's friend is, they also can't understand how I'm okay with it and why I'm not jealous. In fact, some of the men Mrs. WS has met don't even want to meet me much less think of the possibility of a threesome happening. Cheating wives they can understand. Wives with permission and a non-jealous husband simply blow their mind!

There are also two women outside the lifestyle that Mrs. WS and I know that I have lusted after for years. Regardless of whether or not it could turn poly between us, these women have told Mrs. WS that they'd love to be with me but they just can't get over the married man thing... at least with the wife knowing and with her happy consent. They've both been the other woman in affairs with married men, but doing it with permission again is something they just can't wrap their mind around because that's not what they've been taught their whole life. Having sex with me, with Mrs. WS's permission and then seeing her later on in a social atmosphere without some kind of friction or jealousy or weirdness is just a foreign idea to them.

My only advice is to keep on being his friend and hopefully he'll eventually come around. But it's been so many years already that I think unless he has some epiphany not much is going to change.

Mr. WS

Talked to BF's wife this weekend, who didn't want to discuss the subject. She was told and is not happy.

Wonder if any guilt BF may have about his wife's attitude is driving his questioning of my support?

[LOL_OMG]

Originally Posted by rdy46227

Thanks again, kind people. You're asking good questions which have generated lots of thinking.

SO and BF had the discussion about SDT, testing, condoms, fidelity, etc. at the beginning, and we agreed to a closed set. BF spoke for his wife, quoting her as saying that she has no interest in sex with anyone, him included. We implicitly include BF's wife in the set, expecting that if she has sexual contact with anyone it will only be BF. Exit strategy was also discussed, so if BF does want to (honorably) roam then we can break off beforehand.

Hello Rdy
I picked this quote because in my opinion, from what you have said so far, the odds this guy cares anything about STD's, fidelity, etc. are very slim. If he's not being 100% honest with his own wife what do you think the odds are he is being honest with you or your SO, I'm just saying.

Tread lightly my friend and good luck

Mr. Lol

[ldenn2]

Originally Posted by rdy46227

We're not true swingers, in the sense of casual sex between other couples of like mind, nor in the sense of clubbing or house partying, etc.

All the relationships either SO or I have been/are part of are based on emotional intimacy over an extended period of time. There appears to be love, affection, respect, and commitment in all of them. I left this unstated, assuming it implicit in poly. We operate in the subset of swinging/poly/"open" marriages where contacts have an emotional connection (bonding) over an extended period.

The status for the last few months is: SO and I are married and the primary relationship. SO and BF are a secondary relationship. It is the only current secondary for SO or I. It is a "V" and not, nor is it expected to be, a triad. This is clear to, and has been expressly stated by, all parties.

SO's rules for their relationship require that BF's wife be aware they are together and that BF will put his home situation first, e.g. break off if his spouse requests him. If you want to discuss our full rule set in general, we can find/start a different thread.

We three do the shared activities as friends, because we are friends, and have been doing such since we met. It's only since SO and BF decided they wanted more private time together that I started giving them another opportunity by leaving early. BF and SO have spent the night together twice; I believe part of his agreement with his wife is that he will be home well before dawn.

One thing extending the courtship between SO and BF over the 5 odd years is their dealing with love for each other. They acknowledged "clicking" at the beginning, and have been emotionally bonded for years. They've cried on each other's shoulders, exchanged deepest confidences, and made themselves vulnerable to each other. The both said that in another "life", they could be married.

Their problem has been going "all the way". BF's been dealing with his home situation all the time we've known him, trying to position himself to leave, then deciding not yet, sometimes believing his spouse and he will reestablish a good married relationship, sometimes believing that he needs to move across the country without her.

The couple of times before when either SO or BF considered becoming lovers, one issue or another made them decide to not take the final step. Last fall, things fell into place and they went for it.

BF's prior method of getting what he needs outside his marriage was by the traditional (secret) affairs, and SO's instance of full disclosure makes this is the first relationship where BF was upfront with his spouse.

This way is new for him; there is no compersion of the part of his spouse, and I suppose he may fall back into his old mindset from time to time.

Hope that answers your questions. Maybe I've answered my original question???

Been there done that. Stopped peacefully nearly 30 years ago. Still miss her. She crosses my mind every day.

[coolman_80070]

Same situation here. Ive relationship with my friend's wife. She is kinda my GF. 3 of us re very happy for 3 years now.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

If I was the BF, here's what would be going through my head:

I have made cheating a pattern in my marriage. I'm not as happy and fulfilled as I would like to be, neither is my wife. We are just FWB who share the same house (raise our kids?) and have agreed to tolerate a sad situation. I have found a woman who I care about and love to fuck and wonder if she wasn't married if I would leave my wife and marry her...but she already has a husband she loves and because the guy is okay with me having sex with her, how can I hate him? He's a nice guy. But what do I want for myself? If I ever get divorced I'd like to find a woman I can love completely, enjoy sex with and have her love me in the same way. I don't think I could ever share her with anyone else and I would hope I'd never feel the need to ever have affairs again. What the hell am I doing having an affair with a woman I will never have to myself? And it's not just with her, in a strange way it's with her husband too - I just don't get this poly stuff. This is bugging me like crazy and something's got to change.

LM

I think VegasLee is dead on. I quoted LikeMinds because I think that is accurate as well, with the possible exception of the part I put in bold. It could be that he is looking at your wife and trying to plant the seeds of doubt in her in an attempt to have her after he leaves his wife. Given his past it would seem rather hypocritical, but none the less I can see him thinking it might work. Worse, she could be moving toward him and looking to make a graceful break. And everything I said may be BS. You can never tell for sure when dealing with people.

Followups after time has passed can be interesting, so here goes.

SO and I are doing as well as ever, which is to say great! My libido is dropping faster than hers, but then she's got 2nd sourcing to offset.

BF continues to have a stable but sexless relationship at home. The 4 of us have been together a few times, at it's clear that they intend to stay together.

I don't see him trying to displace me in any way, not to mention that SO would not even consider it with him. Our relationship remains quite strong.

BF has gotten used to my not being bothered by my SO's choice to associate with him. Possibly it's been long enough that he can see the walk matches the talk.

I will concede that BF may eventually want to move on. The old NRE effect wears off and he may seek it elsewhere. But they're getting more from each than just sex, and that seems to be of worth to him. Their "exit strategy" has always been for them to "just put off making another date" and keep going as friends.

In summary, they're still having fun, everyone's comfortable with things (for now), and there doesn't seem to be any maneuvering going on.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by rdy46227

Followups after time has passed can be interesting, so here goes.

Thank you for the follow up, rdy

SO and I are doing as well as ever, which is to say great! My libido is dropping faster than hers, but then she's got 2nd sourcing to offset.

Sorry if I missed something here but is this the reason BF's wife has no interest in her own husband ? Her libido is none ?

BF continues to have a stable but sexless relationship at home. The 4 of us have been together a few times, at it's clear that they intend to stay together.

Did you get the vibe they love each other, but are not "in love" with one another ?

Sure, people can and do just become civil to each other and survive. But don't you worry the walls may come tumbling down some day on their end, leaving your wife in a place of emotional pain herself ?

Just curious, its seems I may be wrong but their (BF and wife's) relationship is in a way, cruel ?

I don't see him trying to displace me in any way, not to mention that SO would not even consider it with him. Our relationship remains quite strong.

Thats great, you have that but do you feel sorry for him in a way ?

BF has gotten used to my not being bothered by my SO's choice to associate with him. Possibly it's been long enough that he can see the walk matches the talk.

I have to wonder again as its not been mentioned, what if BF's wife wants to have a FWB. Would he be OK with her having the same relationship elsewhere ?

I will concede that BF may eventually want to move on. The old NRE effect wears off and he may seek it elsewhere. But they're getting more from each than just sex, and that seems to be of worth to him. Their "exit strategy" has always been for them to "just put off making another date" and keep going as friends.

What if their marriage fails, would the friendship and past sexual relationship stand to a court ordered appearance ? I'm just saying as an outsider....

In summary, they're still having fun, everyone's comfortable with things (for now), and there doesn't seem to be any maneuvering going on.

Things change sometimes, they always do whether we like it or not. I guess I'm sounding skeptical but something sounds to good to be true here.


fun4ds