Wife's boyfriend's thoughts about my accepting them

[VegasLee]

Don't take this wrong but I have a feeling the BF is really having his cake and eating it to here.

He has no real reason to but any effort into "fixing" his marriage. He has a good thing going on the side and is using it to fulfill his life and leaving his wife to fend for herself.

I would be careful that if he ever gets to the point to finally set his wife "free" he may be asking more of your wife and less of you as time goes on. It appears that he may be trying to set up his future here. I hope I am wrong but all I have to go from is what I am reading here that you have explained.

He may not even know he is doing this. Humans like to not be out in the cold and tend to cover their butt when it comes to possibly ending up alone.

If I was in your position, I would be wanting to have a meeting of all concerned, you, your wife, the BF and his wife. Find out what is really happening on all sides.

I am betting there is much more to this then has been explained here and that may be because you have been misled.

Good luck and hope no one gets hurt in this.

[GoNatural]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Maybe that's because he can't fathom giving his wife the same freedom that he has, and he can't quite wrap his mind around why you can?

That is exactly what came to my mind.

[WesternSwing]

The short answer is that for many the concept of a spouse being okay with it is just too hard to wrap their mind around.

The long answer is - we, as a society, have been taught from the day we were born that a marriage is between one man and one woman, and any variation upon that is wrong. Or that what you are doing would be okay if there wasn't that piece of paper between you saying you're married because when you get married you're supposed to "own" your spouse. Or they simply can't get over their own insecurities, they would never let anyone else have sex with a person they were serious with much less be in a poly situation, and therefore don't understand why you don't feel the same as they do. People tend to think that love = jealousy and the more jealous you are the more you must love someone.

This is a reason we've have trouble finding those that we are interested in having a relationship with. For Mrs. WS, other men just don't get it. As your wife's friend is, they also can't understand how I'm okay with it and why I'm not jealous. In fact, some of the men Mrs. WS has met don't even want to meet me much less think of the possibility of a threesome happening. Cheating wives they can understand. Wives with permission and a non-jealous husband simply blow their mind!

There are also two women outside the lifestyle that Mrs. WS and I know that I have lusted after for years. Regardless of whether or not it could turn poly between us, these women have told Mrs. WS that they'd love to be with me but they just can't get over the married man thing... at least with the wife knowing and with her happy consent. They've both been the other woman in affairs with married men, but doing it with permission again is something they just can't wrap their mind around because that's not what they've been taught their whole life. Having sex with me, with Mrs. WS's permission and then seeing her later on in a social atmosphere without some kind of friction or jealousy or weirdness is just a foreign idea to them.

My only advice is to keep on being his friend and hopefully he'll eventually come around. But it's been so many years already that I think unless he has some epiphany not much is going to change.

Mr. WS

[rdy46227]

Talked to BF's wife this weekend, who didn't want to discuss the subject. She was told and is not happy.

Wonder if any guilt BF may have about his wife's attitude is driving his questioning of my support?

[LOL_OMG]

Originally Posted by rdy46227

Thanks again, kind people. You're asking good questions which have generated lots of thinking.

SO and BF had the discussion about SDT, testing, condoms, fidelity, etc. at the beginning, and we agreed to a closed set. BF spoke for his wife, quoting her as saying that she has no interest in sex with anyone, him included. We implicitly include BF's wife in the set, expecting that if she has sexual contact with anyone it will only be BF. Exit strategy was also discussed, so if BF does want to (honorably) roam then we can break off beforehand.

Hello Rdy
I picked this quote because in my opinion, from what you have said so far, the odds this guy cares anything about STD's, fidelity, etc. are very slim. If he's not being 100% honest with his own wife what do you think the odds are he is being honest with you or your SO, I'm just saying.

Tread lightly my friend and good luck

Mr. Lol