Is Swinging Poly?

[two42lovers]

Some couples have the "use 'em and loose 'em" approach to finding play partners, others want "friends with benefits". A few choose polyamory - having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Recently blogged about the subject of polyamory, how couples approach swinging, and how "poly" relates to the swinging lifestyle. Rather than re-post it here, we invite you to read the blog and share your thoughts.

http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/blog.php?b=101

[NandTfromCA]

The author referred to the spectrum that each falls on. When wrapping my brain around similar topics I usually think of how they fall on a spectrum.

I think the polyamory/swinging spectrum looks like a bell curve...few that are pure swingers, few that are pure polyamorists, and a bunch that live in the area between.

I like classifications for shorthand but they break down quickly when you start to define and differentiate.

If someone put me into a box right now, it would be polyfidelity. I have two women that I am totally in love with and not much interest in sex with others. I also don't have interest (maybe better said, "energy") in having another relationship as deep as those right now. That said, it's all fluid so next year (or month) my exploration might look different and the polyfidelity box might not fit as well.


T

[tittietwister]

Polyamory (i.e., many loves) is a broad term. Friends with benefits could easily be defined as what is referred to as light/social poly. We define ourselves as light/social polys as our ideal is to have just a few relationships with the depth of a really good friendship that also extends to the bedroom.

Obviously, relationships like that aren't built overnight but we at least try to evaluate a couple for that potential before playing. So far, we have not been successful.

[Chris&Amelia]

I'd say we're in the "friends with benefits" catagory. While we're certainly not looking to consider playmates as living, sentient sex dolls, neither are we looking to make any "deep" lasting relationships either.

We are looking to meet people that we may cultivate socially active, friendly relationships with, with the exception we also occasionally have sex with them as well.

Other then family, of course, there is only one woman that I love. And I want to keep it that way, thank you.

[WesternSwing]

For us the "friends with benefits" approach has led to a poly relationship and the openness to the possibility of it happening again. When we first started swinging it was just sex, but we found the social aspect of swinging trumped the variety in sex. Having other people in our lives that fulfilled different aspects of ourselves and having the ability to develop a deeper relationship because of sex put us on the path to poly. We have found that we are closer emotionally with even our close swinging friends because sex provides an emotional bond that makes you want, maybe need to look after that person, even if you are not living together on a daily basis. We still stay in constant touch with our "tribe" and we all, as a group support each other through times of need.

This kind of attraction to others opened the door to being polyamorous, and when Mrs. WS fell for another guy it was not as threatening as the thought of it had been when we'd started swinging two years before. In fact, life all around for both of us got better. I no longer felt the pressure to provide all of what Mrs. WS needed emotionally, and she was very happy having the company and attention of two men that totally adored her.

So from experience I think there is a huge cross-over between poly and swinging. We've even seen those totally opposed to poly drift toward it when someone "special" comes along in their life. One couple we know that used to freak-out at the mention of emotions in swinging is now in a poly relationship with another couple. Many others that at first discussion were vehemently opposed to any kind of emotion have drifted toward the making better, closer friends aspect of swinging... Almost "poly-light" if you will.

So is swinging poly? No. But it can lead to poly, and in my opinion many are much more open to, or closer to poly than they will admit to themselves.

Mr. WS

[two42lovers]

Interesting points.

Swinging is basically a social activity. People can easily enjoy sharing an activity without being committed friends - for example "bowling buddies". These kind of relationships can be rewarding, satisfying, even meaningful, but are limited to the specific shared activity. "Sex buddies" are pretty much the same thing. Emotional attachments are generally unwelcome in swingerdom. The idea of "no strings attached" is as ubiquitous as "no drama", or "drug & disease free". Typically, couples swing to enhance their sex-life together, and decidedly not to upset the applecart of their relationship.

The vast majority of swingers have no intention of falling in love with their play partners, but many are open to friendship. Is friendship a kind of love? Is "friends with benefits" a mild version of polyamory? Depends on what we mean by friendship. Does the friendship include commitment? If we answer yes, we have to entertain the idea of "friends with benefits" as being a version of polyandry. (i.e. multiple partners in a committed sexual relationship.)

How deep does the commitment have to be for a sexual relationship to be thought of as poly? It really isn't for anyone outside the relationship to say, since polyamory is a relationship negotiated and defined by the participants.

[prettylady]

I'm not sure "friends with benifits" is any kind of poly.
Dog and I have friends who we love dearly and play with as often as life allows, but I wouldn't call us poly in any way. Even if we gave up other couples, I would at best, call us exclusive. Poly in my mind is more a state of emotional attatchment the way you feel towards a spouse. I have an emotional attatchment to our friends the way you would have an emotional attatchment to friends.

Your friend,
Prettylady

[two42lovers]

Thank you, prettylady! Your distinction makes a lot of sense. Would love to hear more of your perspectives.

Just for the sake of discussion, here's a question: if you love someone dearly (who you are having sex with as often as life allows) how can it not be poly? (Or as others here have called it, poly-lite?) You are emotionally connected, committed friends who love each other, and your relationship is something the four of you have worked out together, agreed upon by all. Isn't that the basic definition of poly?

Or is it not poly because your marriage is absolutely first, and your friends are completely subordinate? Can't there be "un-equal" loves? (Your spouse totally first, your friends absolutely secondary.) Can one be committed to and in love with their friends, but still keep their spouse pre-emminant? - a heirarchy of loves? Assuming the way you love your friends is different from the way you love your spouse, does that make it not love? (polyamory = multiple loves)

[prettylady]

I guess in the very rawest form you are right.
But they way I love Dog is not at all the way I love my friends. I go days to months with out a word on the phone or a hug from them and I am ok with that, would love to see them more, but I can manage.
I could never manage to go that long with out some type of physical affection from Dog.
I guess it comes down to the all consuming feeling that you can't be without someone as oppose to the "I miss you guys, hope to see you soon" feeling.
I really don't know how to put it. But I do know that my love for my friends is very dear to me and I would hate to loose it. On the other hand it isn't an emotional need like I have with Dog.
More like a dirty sex need. Ha just kidding, I would have these people for friends even if there was no sex.
There you go, I have plenty of friends that I love. Why does the fact that I have sex with this one particular couple mean that the same love is now a poly situation.
In swinging SEX is just Sex.
My brain hurts.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

Just for the sake of discussion, here's a question: if you love someone dearly (who you are having sex with as often as life allows) how can it not be poly? (Or as others here have called it, poly-lite?) You are emotionally connected, committed friends who love each other, and your relationship is something the four of you have worked out together, agreed upon by all. Isn't that the basic definition of poly?

Yes, for many this is the exact definition of "poly". Emotionally connected, committed friends who love each other and therefore have some sort of romantic sex.

Or is it not poly because your marriage is absolutely first, and your friends are completely subordinate? Can't there be "un-equal" loves? (Your spouse totally first, your friends absolutely secondary.) Can one be committed to and in love with their friends, but still keep their spouse pre-emminant? - a heirarchy of loves? Assuming the way you love your friends is different from the way you love your spouse, does that make it not love? (polyamory = multiple loves)

I think you find that in most poly relationships there is a hierarchy, where your primary partner is #1 and comes first and your secondary partner subordinates in many aspects. Some poly relationships are much more equal, but from my experience in the poly lifestyle and others I've met, their primary relationship and/or spouse comes first and will not be forsaken for the benefit of another.

Mr. WS

[TheDeal]

Wow, the depth at which everyone is discussing is great. I like the idea of bell curving it. I think you have the extremes on both sides and the rest of us in the middle. We are all capable of being poly. One person caring deeply for another is completely human and natural. We all wouldn't be here typing to each other if not. The way in which each one classifys a relationship that is both emotionally and physically intimate, is of course unique. Our own beliefs, upbringing, and awareness of what we think or care about how society views us are main drivers for the differences. Even on the extremes, no FWB swingers; they are still there to be close to other people. Denying emotional attachment and channeling all that into chemistry and the art of physical pleasure is their own way of connecting with others. Still, they are reaching out to others where most of society will only share that with one person......until they get divorced! Ha! So, in that sense...we are all poly! just kidding! I know, everyone run and shriek now.

G

[GoNatural]

It seems that the poly equivalent of having a "friends-with-benefits" partner would fall between a "poly secondary", or a "tertiary partner". A secondary relationship usually has a noticable emotional focus, yet it is secodary to the "primary relationship", while the tertiary is more casual.

[two42lovers]

The way in which each one classifies a relationship that is both emotionally and physically intimate, is of course unique. Our own beliefs, upbringing, and awareness of what we think or care about how society views us are main drivers for the differences. Even on the extremes (no FWB swingers) they are still there to be close to other people. Denying emotional attachment and channeling all that into chemistry and the art of physical pleasure is their own way of connecting with others. Still, they are reaching out to others where most of society will only share that with one person......until they get divorced! Ha! So, in that sense...we are all poly!

We see this too, and it's the biggest reason we ask the question "is swinging poly?" On the other side of the coin, emotionally monogomas couples are pretty much the norm in swingerdom. Maybe emotional commitment is the key to whether a relationship is poly or not?

Have to admit we feel a lot in common with prettylady. We love our friends, but our relationship with each other is very different from the relationship we share with our friends. We've become very close to some of the couples we play with, but we have completely seperate lives, and love each other as friends, not as committed lovers.

But there is a big difference between sex with emotionally connected friends verses sex with strangers. New partners can be wonderfully exciting and fresh, but when there is an emotional connection the sex is very intense and satisfying. We usually start out on a purely physical level with a new couple. If we share chemistry and enjoy each other's company, great, if a close friendship grows, all the better. Friendship takes time. It takes time and experience to build trust, love even more so.