What brings people to poly?

[couplewanting50]

Do people get into poly because they seek it, and find partners after making that decision, or are they playing and have affections emerge, then evolve into poly relationships? The latter seems more likely to me, but....?

Discuss.

[fun4Ds]

This is a very interesting topic. We have not considered this to much in the past, but have always seen the people that do live the poly life acceptable. It dosent seem possible for us, but we have a friend who says occasionaly "I love you" or " I love you guys" So far we are taking it as just an expression. But we are talking about this. Could poly happen to us? We don't think so, but we are looking at things differenty.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by CoupleWanting50

Do people get into poly because they seek it, and find partners after making that decision, or are they playing and have affections emerge, then evolve into poly relationships? The latter seems more likely to me, but....?

My take would be that there are some people that know intrinsically that they are not meant to be monogamous and do seek out on their own volition a polyamorous relationship. I'd hazard a guess that's actually more of an exception than a rule, that many explore and figure out that they are polyamorous after they've found love with a person in addition to their primary relationship.

I'll be quite interested in the take from those who do consider themselves polyamorous.

Originally Posted by Fun4Dus

This is a very interesting topic. We have not considered this to much in the past, but have always seen the people that do live the poly life acceptable. It dosent seem possible for us, but we have a friend who says occasionaly "I love you" or " I love you guys" So far we are taking it as just an expression. But we are talking about this. Could poly happen to us? We don't think so, but we are looking at things differenty.

Polyamory is a alternative lifestyle I don't quite understand, so that's why I'm always interested in this forum and the various threads.

I understand the concept of love. I love all sorts of people, as awkward as my personality is. I can love my family, my friends, my spouse - I do in fact "love" some of my friends, some of my family and definitely my spouse. I'd even hazard a guess that I "love", in a platonic fashion, my best friend at the office, in a sense given the amount of time and what we share in and out of the office.

However, even if I love friends, I just don't have the wherewithal to proceed into a formal love/romantic relationship. I guess that's the definition of poly to me - a more formalized, romantic-based relationship style. And under that definition, which could very well be a faulty definition for lack of true understanding, I don't know I could do it. Kudos to your friend for being expressing her appreciation to you - even if it's just an expression. That type of expression is something I have difficulty with in real life to family and friends. I guess I just prefer to try to keep things simple. But I do want to hear about the poly side of things for the sake of consideration.

I agree with your statement that it does make you think and take different approaches to things.

[mick2150]

The 'Poly' lifestyle comes in so many flavours and it has much in common with the 'Swinger' lifesyle. There are many instances where swingers have blended into the poly world and I know of a number of folk who consider themselves to be basically poly, yet enjoy, on occassion, no strings attached sex.

Where both lifestyles overlap and can usually agree is where 'cheating' is concerned. It is a No-No, no matter where in the lifesyle you see yourself. Ethical Non-monogamy, with or without emotional involvment is the basis on which all the many varying flavours of most alternative lifestyles are founded.

M.

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by mick2150

The 'Poly' lifestyle comes in so many flavours and it has much in common with the 'Swinger' lifesyle.

There is a huge gray area between straight up "swingers" and hard core "polyamorists" (did I just make up a word?).

For us, we fell into it because I fell in love with someone but we have always enjoyed building relationships with those we have sex with. N was open to me exploring that, and I was open to exposing myself to this new love. N has a relationship now too and we have compersion exploding out our ears! :-)

I don't think swinging led to polyamory but rather openness led to swinging and openness led to polyamory.

Love + Love = SO MUCH LOVE!!!

Namaste,

T

[sinfuldelight]

Most people may not understand the lifestyle, and most may even condemn it. Thats just part of the lifestyle, at this time I don't even try to explain it to anyone anymore. Most people are lucky if they find one person to love them I am blessed to have two beautiful women in my life, both of which love me very much.

we fell into a poly relationship quite by accident. The wife and I both started out swinging as did the other couple we are involved with now. Over the course of a few months we found that we had more and more in common than we had originally thought and everything just grew from there. We have been together a little over a year now and would be telling a lie if I said it had all been peaches and creame. Sure we have had our problems but eventually, like any other relationship we work through them with each other.

In an earlier post Mike2150 stated that "The 'Poly' lifestyle comes in so many flavours and it has much in common with the 'Swinger' lifesyle." I have to disagree with this and most people in a "Poly" lifestyle will also. To most "swingers" the word LOVE is a taboo. Sex without love is just, well sex and to most people that is ok, it is a physical thing and that is ok also. Poly is I guess, more of an "emotional connection" to your other partner. And like I said before, I feel really blessed that I have that.

[gatorvol64]

We had a poly relationship "emerge". We met them swinging and things just went from there. It's been a bit of a rough road at times but the "benefits" are worth it. Can you imagine two wonderful men that both love you? I don't have to now.

I'll also admit that this lifestyle isn't for everyone and I'd never try to convert anyone to my way of thinking.

Vol

[Oleg&Lena]

Originally Posted by sinfuldelight

To most "swingers" the word LOVE is a taboo. Sex without love is just, well sex and to most people that is ok, it is a physical thing and that is ok also. Poly is I guess, more of an "emotional connection" to your other partner.

I don't agree with you. First of all, the love is absolute other thing then sympathy, even then infatuation. And sympathy and infatuation are not taboo for swingers. We have very long emotional relationship with one couple and it was beautiful. May be we have not infatuaton and don't fall in love every time when have sex with other couple but we have not sex without sympathy.

[havefuninsun]

I've thought about this a lot, because frankly, I just don't see us in a Poly type relationship. But then, something hit me.

During my first marriage, years ago, we had a couple friend who we adored. We never swung with them, but we were very tight. If I called their house to talk to the Mrs. and the Mr. answered the phone, I could easily talk for 20 minutes to him before I ever got to speak to Mrs. I loved them both. The same thing with the other Mrs. and my ex ... if he was being a jackass, she would just snap him into place. They moved far away, and I cried when they told me they were moving.

I think that any couple could find themselves in a poly type situation. My friends moved away over 17 years ago, and I still miss them very much. I could see that if we had been in a swing relationship with them, that it would have been very intense.

I don't want to look for one ... I really don't want to maintain that level of emotion with more than one person. But who knows what might happen down the road.

[Ed & Bunny]

We have discussed this many times, and consider ourselves open to this type of relationship. Poly vs. swinger with friends would be two different worlds.
We don't envolve our immediate finanacial and home concerns with the close swinger friends that we have. Having an exclusive relationship, is about restricting activities and emotions to one other coulple who don't reside together.
However, to us a Poly relationship is about combining our households, parental, and financial responsibilities. Thus, the first concern, how do we find a couple that wishes to live and love in the same home. We discussed the sharing of bedroom and decided we would need a bigger bed, maybe to kings put together to sleep all in.

Bunny

[gatorvol64]

I personally feel that more poly relationships evolve from swinging by people who are open to all possibilities, physically and emotionally, than "planned" poly relationships. I never knew there was a such thing until after we had started getting closer to Tech and Kitten. It is alot easier in some ways and more difficult in others. Easier in the fact you don't have to sort through the potential swinging partners which we all know can be quite a chore, and harder in the fact that if something is wrong you need to work it out instead of just walking away. Poly is not for everyone but for those it is it can be very rewarding.

Gator

[lovinher]

I have often wondered if some poly relationships start because two people in the group fell for each other and the others had no choice but to go along with it. I don't mean to offend anybody but it does seem plausable.

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I have often wondered if some poly relationships start because two people in the group fell for each other and the others had no choice but to go along with it. I don't mean to offend anybody but it does seem plausable.

It's not a secret that Gator and Kitten fell hard and fast. But either Tech or I could have said "no way, no how". We didn't. He and I were just slower. One thing he and I have in common is a reluctance to let people in. But I absolutely had a choice in the matter.

Vol

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by couplewanting50

Do people get into poly because they seek it, and find partners after making that decision, or are they playing and have affections emerge, then evolve into poly relationships? The latter seems more likely to me, but....?

Discuss.

For us it was swinging evolving into poly. Mrs. WS and I are kind of different that way, too. She likes the connection with someone else. She likes what others offer besides sex. I do to. I don't have the time or energy to pursue another relationship outside our marriage, but I'm completely supportive of her doing so. For her having someone different than me completes another part of her that I simply can't, because I'm not that type of person. Her boyfriends have tended to be much different than me in many ways, physically, mentally, emotionally, interests, etc. They are an addition to herself, not a replacement for me. And I love how happy and totally fulfilled she is when she has another man she is interested in beyond sex.

We kind of stumbled into it also with a single male we were including in our play. Again, he was different than me and therefore brought different things to the table than I, and because they are different they are not a threat to me. Again, it is in addition to me, not in replacement of me. Basically, Mrs. WS fell for him, though to my knowledge the words "I love you" never left her lips or his. I don't think he was in as deep as Mrs. WS was and she/we were too new at poly situations to go there. After several months that relationship ended as he moved-on, however we are all still friends.

We weren't looking for it, it just happened, and what we thought we feared the most when we first got into the lifestyle ended-up not being all that scary at all.

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I have often wondered if some poly relationships start because two people in the group fell for each other and the others had no choice but to go along with it. I don't mean to offend anybody but it does seem plausable.

It is plausible, but I think such a relationship would be so out of balance to begin with that it wouldn't last long in either swinging or polyamory.