What brings people to poly?

[ncmd_couple]

Lusty,

You asked, but this is going to be a long reply, and can be put under the category of “how to be stupid and screw up because you aren’t honest with yourself or your partner.” You might want to have a full drink before you start reading it.

Before I met "L" I married at 18 (yeah, stupid thing to do) and during that 25 year marriage we had two events in life where others were in our bedroom, though at the time we didn't know anything about swinging. This was about 21 years ago. Heinlein is my all time favorite author, starting with his juvenile books as a teenager, and then discovering his more adult works in adulthood. So I was already corrupted to a certain extent. My ex-wife decided that cheating was her preferred way, a shame, because if she had been open and honest with me, things might have been different. Who knows?

After the divorce was final, I met “L.” She was very open minded sexually, and we enjoyed a lot of things together, we had discussed going to a swingers club, MFMs, FMFs, and FFMs, but I was concerned with her reaction to women that I had contact with from my past before her. Those were platonic contacts, but, well…. We did discuss a FFM, and as I had a good friend who was Bi, we discussed and arranged a FFM. The goal of which was “L’s” complete personal satisfaction and my friend and I planned it that way and we were both hyper tuned to “L’s” reactions. The night went well, but the aftermath was not what I expected. Or should I say, what I was afraid would happen. Jealousy.

So, not knowing what to do except from past experience which was limited, I kept my mouth shut, avoided topics that involved women in my past. And didn’t hide but didn’t openly contact women in my past. They were old friends, and I wasn’t going to ditch them. One I worked with, so “L” knew I saw her every day, but I didn’t mention it, but answered honestly if asked about her.

The years passed and my unhappiness grew. Why is it that she can still talk to her ex-husband, ex-lovers, and ex-boyfriends, but I got the evil eye if I had a “how ya’ doing” conversation with a lady that I knew, cared about, but wasn’t having a sexual relationship with? The double standard was making me even more unhappy. But I didn’t know what to do.

Eventually, I got to the point where I had decided that as much as I loved “L,” the relationship wasn’t going to work. I had discovered the poly concept and had done a lot a research on it. I felt that I had to find a woman who felt like I did. So, quite honestly, I started working for an exit stage left. It was a two part strategy, finding a job out of state, and looking to see if there might be a woman out there who felt like I did. Finding the woman was second in my efforts. Finding the job was number one.

By chance I came across a profile on an on-line vanilla dating site that perked my mental ears up. I asked some questions and she asked some questions that the replies told me, that she just might, so, I asked her directly. And yes, she and I did feel the same way about sex and love. By this time my frustration with living a lie had grown to the point that I hated everything about my life. I was lying to myself first, and living a lie. I hated it. I had already planned a personal trip to NY and jokingly asked her if she wanted to join me. She said yes, arranged to fly to my area, I picked her up at the airport, and we left for my previously planned trip together, instead of me by myself.

The funny thing is that other than the fact that I had company on that trip, there was only one thing different about this one from previous trips. It was January, I was going to NY, it was cold as hell and snowing, and I decided to stay in a hotel instead of my camp on the 15 acres that I have up there. The camp is great in the summer, but I wanted a hot shower and decided to stay in a hotel in town instead of freezing my ass off at the camp. I would have done that anyway whether I had company or not, but “L” keyed on that.

I had a great trip and got done what I needed to do and had a lovely lady along with me. When I got home on Sunday, everything was fine except for the snow storm. The next morning “L” started IMing me accusing me of meeting someone up there. I didn’t want to discuss it at work, but she insisted and I eventually turned IM off and told her we would discuss it at home. I was tired of living a lie. So, when she got home from work and accused me, I told her the truth. The complete truth.

At the same time, she told me some of her past and some of her truths. Not all, and she still hasn’t to this day, but, she will tell me what she wants to. I probe every now and then, but I won’t push her to be more honest with me than she has though I have been completely honest with her. It was several weeks of sometimes painful honesty between us. We started swinging and still do now. Not as often as we would like to because life’s challenges get in the way. We have gotten married. And we are working for both of us to move to warmer weather together and planning our new life together.

Will we ever live in a poly situation? I don’t know. But I am poly in that there are people in my life other than my wife that I love and care about. I will never change that. Who knows what the future will hold.

The poly lady that I cheated with will never be a permanent part of our life because I did cheat on “L” with her and that cloud over her will never blow away. The other lady in my life that the two of us are compatible with has life challenges that I honestly don’t ever see her being in our life other than someone that I love and care about. Help when I can, but also acknowledge that it was never meant to be.

So which came first, the chicken or the egg? I think the egg was fertilized many, many years ago. It has hatched, but I’m not sure if it is a chicken, a duck, or a goose.

S

[ncmd_couple]

I hate it when a post of mine is a thread killer!!

So what brought you to the concept or actuality of a poly relationship?

S

[dulciprajna]

I would say that for my wife and I, a poly relationship makes more sense than just random ppl. We have two routes to do this. One is starting w/a couple and making that long term, then turning that into true, co-habitation, polyamory type relationship.

The other idea is a roommate whom evolves into a poly type relationship with us. For us, the extra emotional baggage that is picked up is far out weighed by the drama and cause for concern that random individuals can bring into the situation.

I think the whole poly idea we became accustomed to when we were Mormon for a time and did research as to why poly relationships were not only supported by the early church, but very openly spoken about. The biggest tradeoff is that if anything catastrophic were to happen to one adult, the rest are still there to keep the family stable. Dunno. I know were are strange for this in most swinger circles we've been in.