What brings people to poly?

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

I guess what I'm really amazed by is the fact that a couple could deal long-term with all the foibles of another two people.

Tell me about it. This is the hardest part for us. One of our poly partners in a very volatile person. But the work, and occasional drama, is very much worth it to us.

Originally Posted by lustylearning

Thanks for sharing that. I wonder though, in light of this, what the difference is between a poly relationship and a swinging relationship with a couple you care deeply for. Perhaps they're just different points on the same continuum?

I think the difference is often limited to the terminology that doesn't make some people uncomfortable. In my opinion, if there is love, it is poly. If you are maintaining a close and sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, and you feel love for that person, you are polyamorous. Again, in my opinion, some people don't want to see themselves that way. So they just reject the label.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

Thanks for sharing that. I wonder though, in light of this, what the difference is between a poly relationship and a swinging relationship with a couple you care deeply for. Perhaps they're just different points on the same continuum?

We call it "poly-lite." We know many swinger couples that start swinging with just one other couple or a single (in fact Mrs. WS has expressed that with her current single male she is not interested in entertaining other single males at this time). They will never admit to being poly, but obviously there is a connection there beyond just recreational sex or they wouldn't be exclusive with them. But, they may not be fully immersed in a loving, poly-like relationship, just on the fringe of one. Thus, poly-lite.

[lakecouple]

for us it was swinging to poly wife has second husband

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by lakecouple

for us it was swinging to poly wife has second husband

You started out swinging and that lead to a poly relationship of your wife's...a second husband?

Vol

[lakecouple]

yes she has a second husband he is down almost every weekend and we take vacations together and they take one by thereselves been doing this over 2 years

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by lakecouple

yes she has a second husband he is down almost every weekend and we take vacations together and they take one by thereselves been doing this over 2 years

Cool. Do you have any interest in a poly relationship for yourself?

Vol

[lakecouple]

Yes but it is hard to find that other female or other couple and we are still swinging

[interested-05]

Originally Posted by Ed & Bunny

We have discussed this many times, and consider ourselves open to this type of relationship. Poly vs. swinger with friends would be two different worlds.
We don't envolve our immediate finanacial and home concerns with the close swinger friends that we have. Having an exclusive relationship, is about restricting activities and emotions to one other coulple who don't reside together.
However, to us a Poly relationship is about combining our households, parental, and financial responsibilities. Thus, the first concern, how do we find a couple that wishes to live and love in the same home. We discussed the sharing of bedroom and decided we would need a bigger bed, maybe to kings put together to sleep all in.

Bunny

This combination would be a step beyond polyamorous, and would be simply a shift into "polygamy" whether sanctioned by the state or the 'unofficial' equivalent of common law marriage.
You might move to Utah or apparently some compound in TX, to find this type of blended family. Maybe elsewhere, but that is where its been in the news.
Just a bit much for what we are comfortable with.

[avid]

Originally Posted by interested-05

You might move to Utah or apparently some compound in TX, to find this type of blended family. Maybe elsewhere, but that is where its been in the news.

I think you would be surprised about where you might see people like this. We DO live this way, and we are in the suburbs of one of the largest cities in North America.

We have jobs, friends, and a (relatively) normal life. Yes, we're swingers too. If you saw us at a swinger's party, you probably would never think we belong in Utah. Then again, they probably wouldn't have me there. I have two sexy husbands, and I think that's not what they look for.

Just a bit much for what we are comfortable with.

Well, this IS the polyamoury forum....

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by interested-05

This combination would be a step beyond polyamorous, and would be simply a shift into "polygamy" whether sanctioned by the state or the 'unofficial' equivalent of common law marriage.
You might move to Utah or apparently some compound in TX, to find this type of blended family. Maybe elsewhere, but that is where its been in the news.
Just a bit much for what we are comfortable with.

First, let me say that labels really aren't a good thing to me.

While the situation you are referring to could be considered polygamy, it doesn't mean it isn't polyamorous.

Polygamy...the practice of multiple marriage.

Polyamory...the desire, practice or acceptance of having more than one loving (often intimate) relationship simultaneously.

As Avid said, you would be surprised at who lives this way. And all over the place. My husband and I live a a small rural town and it is our desire to eventually live with the couple we have a polyamorous relationship with.

I have two husbands. Not the "norm" I'll admit. But not something that is remotely like what you are referring to in the news. We are all adults and freely, with full consent from all involved, love more than one person at a time. Nothing illegal about what we are doing.

Vol

[interested-05]

actually i'm not surprised, which is why I included elsewhere. I know plenty of prople who live together as a 3some. and none of them in Utah. so please right it off as a limp joke.
Still there is a distinct difference between married, as in "Legal", and living polyamorously. you cant write off both spouses on your taxes.

[jdavisauto]

I can watch someone have sex with my wife, but I don't think I can watch someone make love to my wife. I have sex with lots of other ladies but only make love to my wife. I don't know if people will understand what I am trying to say but with my wife I enjoy a night of love not sex. Some nights we just sit and I hold her in my arms and we don't say a word. I love those times.

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by interested-05

... you cant write off both spouses on your taxes.

That's a pity though. Ok, I missed that as a joke.


jdavisauto, I understand what you are saying. The difference between sex and making love. I have stated on this board before that sharing Gator sexually was easy. Sharing him emotionally was not easy for me.

For the most part, we are raised and live in a monogamous world. It can be difficult shedding those perceptions and teachings. Even if it is something you want to do and have been doing for years. Each of us have what I've heard called "monogamous moments" occasionally. I've stated mine is usually in the form of jealousy. But that is ALWAYS a symptom of something else. Most of the time it is because something has made me feel insecure about something. Not always my relationship with Gator. I hate an insecure feeling.

Poly isn't for everyone just as swinging isn't for everyone. They are two different worlds that happen to overlap upon occasion. Everyone needs to find what makes them happy and rejoice in that.

Vol

[GoNatural]

I've replied before, and I want to ad a little more to this thread. I'm currently single, but seeking a poly arangement. I'm more interested in loving a woman that has other lovers than I myself having more than one lover (but I'm open to loving more than one). Now, it is not easy to be a single guy and find a poly woman to spend your life with. Sure, many have done it, and it is possible, but I've noticed over the last couple of years that many poly men end up with a poly woman by having a monogamous relationship with her first, then they open up their relationship. Trust is built firs, and a history together, before such alternative things are considered, in most cases (just as in swinging).

I still want to point out that a number of men and women discover that they are poly after being in a monogamous relationship, then desiring to be in an open relationship. Two poly women that I have dated have never considered themselves a swinger, although one has been the sought after unicorn in a FFM threesome with a married couple.

It is possible that I have a scewed view, but it seems that woman have an easier time finding partners that will consider an open relationship.

[gatorvol64]

Hmmm, we started in a monogamous relationship. Over 20 years worth of one. For us, Gator (the man) had a wife (Vol-me) that was willing to consider a poly relationship.

Now, I belong to a poly forum and see the situation arise both ways. And since I've never been in your shoes, I can't say that it has occurred to me to actually notice if it is more prevalent for woman to have partners more open to a non monogamous relationship. I hope that if it were something easy to spot, Id have picked up on that by now.

Vol