What brings people to poly?

[avid]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I have often wondered if some poly relationships start because two people in the group fell for each other and the others had no choice but to go along with it. I don't mean to offend anybody but it does seem plausable.

Certainly we didn't go into this adventure planning for me to fall in love with someone else. It evolved slowly, and at every stage of the process, my husband and I communicated about how we were feeling. Was he hurt and upset about the changes? Yes. Did he have a choice to go along with it? Yes. He made the choice to open his heart even wider, and to support me. I believe he really KNOWS that there is no replacement for him.

The ongoing challenge for us in this new situation is finding time alone with each other, despite the fact that we have very busy lives. We're working on it!

[manhattan27]

Gray areas rock

Both of us are comfortable with the idea of dating. Not quite falling in love, but dating. We had a wonderful friends-with-benefits relationship with another couple last year and it was a bit like dating, though evidently it ended because the other couple felt that their boundaries were crossed. Since then, we've drifted towards meeting poly people, and were even open to the idea of romantic involvement. The more we've explored this, the more we realized we just haven't met anyone we'd ever fall in love with (remotely!). We like meeting people, like the eroticism, like the warmth. We're not in love with anyone else. So dating is an appropriate "middle ground" space to be -- at least while we haven't met anyone who we have both really fallen for. It's not without its problems, but it's definitely added a dimension to what we used to have -- just a lot of one-night stands that were fun but almost meaningless.

[TheDeal]

We made the transition from Swinging not too long ago. OK, we never really got into the whole swinging thing as the first couple we played with were also some long time best friends. That situation led us to poly. Hard not to when you already love the other couple as friends and the you sex them...LOL! For us, the safety, friendship, comfort level, all while still getting to have the freaky fun are the main reasons for doing the poly. Just as in swinging; there are many types or levels of poly. Some prefer no secondaries and everyone is on complete equal footing. Others have the primary relationship and all other are secondaries. Ours is like that, but it does not limit the importance or emotion involved in the least.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by avid

The ongoing challenge for us in this new situation is finding time alone with each other, despite the fact that we have very busy lives. We're working on it!

This is a problem for Mrs. WS and I, also, mostly finding time for us rather than for the other person. Especially with her, her boyfriends over time have been single men, therefore they usually have their own place and more freedom to their schedule, so going out with them is never an issue or finding time and place to be intimate. However with us, we have kids and their schedules, work, grocery shopping, etc that all cuts into our time, but is something that isn't involved with a third. When we are with a third we are with them without distractions. Not so in real married life. This is something we are working on ourselves.

[rdy46227]

A belated reply to the original question... Two groups of people fall into poly much easier than the general population.

People who enter the Swinger Lifestyle can easily (maybe immediately) adopt poly when they see it as a way to enhance growth and experience.

People in the Single Lifestyle can easily adopt poly to get more quality in their often fluid relationships.

I started expanding on this, and decided to put up a separate post for each.

[rdy46227]

Originally Posted by rdy46227

A belated reply to the original question... Two groups of people fall into poly much easier than the general population.

People who enter the Swinger Lifestyle can easily (maybe immediately) adopt poly when they see it as a way to enhance growth and experience.

People in the Single Lifestyle can easily adopt poly to get more quality in their often fluid relationships.

I started expanding on this, and decided to put up a separate post for each.

Ongoing Singles

Some people live in circles where attachment is acknowledged as transitory. They are generally single, often know a lot of similar people, and clusters of them function as extended family that are care-providers in urgent or extreme need. They know where most former lovers are and what they are doing. Their community is dynamic built around a long term core group

Relationships come and go and sometimes return. These people don't expect them to last, even if they want them to last. They often break up over issues of cheating, or loss of interest. The breakups seldom start the extreme fighting which traditionally divorces can spawn; moving on has become habitual, and no longer sleeping together doesn't mean breaking contact.

While the idea of marring "happily ever after" into exclusivity hasn't been forgotten, they've become accustom to and now often prefer living as non-married. They expect to have new sexual partners, and may be keeping an environment where adding or changing partners is easier. The lifestyle allows them to easily change focus or make radical goal changes.

And since long-term partner loyalty is rare, long-term exclusivity isn't a big expectation. You don't forget anyone you know; you try to keep them part of your larger extended family. In fact, have a larger "extended family" increases the pool of future partners for when the current relationship (unfortunately) ends.

In this context, the idea of holding on to a relationship while having another makes sense, if nothing more than providing an overlap. It reduces the turnover rate of relationships (ending relationships can be hard no matter who you are), and cuts drama in the extended family members.

A good example comes as the book "The Ethical Slut" relates how one of the authors (Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt), living in a San Francisco singles community, discovered how well poly works in that environment. Poly empowered her by the support combined from her several relationships.

[rdy46227]

Originally Posted by rdy46227

A belated reply to the original question... Two groups of people fall into poly much easier than the general population.

People who enter the Swinger Lifestyle can easily (maybe immediately) adopt poly when they see it as a way to enhance growth and experience.

People in the Single Lifestyle can easily adopt poly to get more quality in their often fluid relationships.

I started expanding on this, and decided to put up a separate post for each.

Swingers are over the wall.

Most of the population avoids multiple relationships, or avoids having multiple relationships collide with each other by cheating, sleeping around, or other frowned on methods.

A few people can grow into poly relationships. They encounter another who finds their way into an already existing relationship (triad, quad), or they create a new relationship that overlaps the existing relationship ("V"). When the relationships (or effects of) meet, the people involved choose to adopt a poly solution, abandon the newly encountered, or revert to old model of love triangles, cheating, and divorcing.

Adopting a poly solution can be so hard that potential polys give up. Those who persevere can spend lots of effort getting through the societal and personal barriers against poly.

Society believes that people should only have sex or emotional intimacy with one partner at a time. It forbids married (read: committed relationship) people emotional intimacy with a potential sex partner because it makes sex outside of marriage too easy.

Upbringing establishes ideas and guilt-emotions for possessiveness and against sex outside marriage. The hardest internal battle is exclusivity, figuring out if a person can personally support more than one, and if they can allow their partner to do the same.

A couple has to make "forbidden" sex no longer forbidden to each other. Then they're ready to adopt swinging, poly, or both into their life as they desire.

With a swinger attitude, avoiding sex with all others just isn't in the cards. A swinger doesn't have to avoiding deep emotional intimacy just because it can lead to "forbidden" sex -- swingers don't avoid "forbidden" sex, so they don't have to avoid emotional intimacy with might lead to "forbidden" sex.

So what makes poly easy for swingers is that the sex/exclusivity angle is already taken care of. When a budding multiple relation situation runs up against the exclusivity wall, the vanilla will have to scale it, but a swinger will have already torn it down.

And polly is just beyond the wall for the swingers who choose emotional involvement.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by rdy46227

Swingers are over the wall.

So what makes poly easy for swingers is that the sex/exclusivity angle is already taken care of. When a budding multiple relation situation runs up against the exclusivity wall, the vanilla will have to scale it, but a swinger will have already torn it down.

And polly is just beyond the wall for the swingers who choose emotional involvement.

I can't say I agree totally, but what you present in your other posts does have some interesting thoughts. I could see this If poly was your nature or even if the relationship moved into a poly (loving) relationship. But we cant say for us personally the wall is down. Even if there is a wall. We just have a distance between what we feel between ourselves, and the people we play with. We see it as a kindred sexual friendship. Not a way of moving into The emotional Love.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

I don't think swinging led to polyamory but rather openness led to swinging and openness led to polyamory.

I have sat down several times to try to post to this thread, but have given up every time until now. I figured I'd start by quoting NandTfromCA, because T put it so well.

To swing, we have to be open to the idea that sex with others can be fun without threatening our primary relationships. If we are also open to the idea that loving more than one does not pose a threat either, then polyamory is possible. But what brings people to it, as the OP asked?

I suppose in our case it was an accident. There was a couple we were swinging with. They pronounced themselves a poly couple, but they were looking for a single woman for a three-way equal relationship, and we would not have seen each other for long because we weren't what they were looking for. They had a fire in their house. We offered them a place to stay while they made repairs. Once they were staying with us, things evolved. No one expected it to become what it has.

I was always disposed to have loving relationships with others, but before swinging those relationships simply didn't include sex. Mr. Fuse was not disposed to it. So for him, I brought him to poly.

[tittietwister]

We changed our SLS and APG profiles today to reflect our desire for light/social poly relationships. We have been unable to reconcile our values and styles with that generally expected by swingers. For us, intercourse in the absence of some degree of love/affection does not excite us. Ultimately, we just end up feeling bad about it so why do it. We're not looking to combine households but we are looking for one or two tender and caring relationships that others have been lucky enough to have as discussed on this thread. Love is not a finite resource - the more you give the more you have.

[prettylady]

I am at my very core a greedy person. I wont say never, because never never comes. But I can't see myself ever falling in love with another person while feeling so complete with the one I am with now.
But I do very much love another couple that we swing with, but it is a friendship like non other I have ever had. But IN love with them, no, but as close as I think I could handle.

But from this experience I can see how swinging can lead to a poly relationship. Exspecially if you allow the friendship to just grow into something completly different. I am very guarded with my emotions, so even if I wanted to love another man while being in love with Dog, I'm not sure I could handle it emotionally.
So I will remain a swinger.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[GoNatural]

Originally Posted by couplewanting50

Do people get into poly because they seek it, and find partners after making that decision, or are they playing and have affections emerge, then evolve into poly relationships? The latter seems more likely to me, but....?

Discuss.

I'd say that some people discover poly by learning about poly relationship theories, but many also discover it by falling into some sort of emotional connection with another person. Now, swinging is not the only situation where falling into poly occurs. Sometimes people have an affair and then later want to be honest with their partner, so they consider poly. Other times people just form an emotional connection with someone involved in their life. Sex does not have to occur in order for someone to wonder about feeling emotionally connected to more than one person at the same time.

[lustylearning]

Fascinating stuff. I've often wondered what it would be like to be in a polyamorous relationship, but then I'm smacked in the face by the idea of time-sharing and meeting the demands of more than just my spouse. I guess what I'm really amazed by is the fact that a couple could deal long-term with all the foibles of another two people. And some polyamorous quads share finances, households, etc. It's intriguing but sounds like too much damn work for me Honestly, I do care deeply for some of our friends, but it's so much easier to do that from within the firm boundary of my marriage...

[GoNatural]

lustylearning, a person does not have to be in a group marriage to be in a poly relationship. You may be aware of this, but your reply seems to convey that perspective. Some poly people have secondary lovers that do not share finances with them etc.... They have an emotional commitment with a secondary, but that relationship is subordinate to their primary relationship (eg. marriage). It could be like swinging with the same person/people, but having emotional connections with them as well as sex. You can get involved and try it. The limits are up to you and your primary partner.

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by GoNatural

lustylearning, a person does not have to be in a group marriage to be in a poly relationship. You may be aware of this, but your reply seems to convey that perspective. Some poly people have secondary lovers that do not share finances with them etc.... They have an emotional commitment with a secondary, but that relationship is subordinate to their primary relationship (eg. marriage). It could be like swinging with the same person/people, but having emotional connections with them as well as sex. You can get involved and try it. The limits are up to you and your primary partner.

Thanks for sharing that. I wonder though, in light of this, what the difference is between a poly relationship and a swinging relationship with a couple you care deeply for. Perhaps they're just different points on the same continuum?

If someone's addressed this in this thread or another already, my apologies ~ I'm sleepy