Slightly frustrated

[Averygoodgirl]

In two previous relationships I fell by luck into a poly situations. This relationship however we have actively tried to a lot of waisted time. Mostly by dealing with men that are not understanding of our relationship and either are trying to swoop in to replace him "because he is a fool to share me", thinking I am a lying cheater because he travels A LOT for work, or the whole thing is too strange and they aren't comfortable with him knowing and being around. "I wanted to give you two some time together because he's in town".

I hate to admit it but it actually puts a level of stress on our relationship. His frustration it will never work, all the guys in the area are lame, don't get desperate any guy is not worth quality. Oy vey! And my lack of sex that has me over sensitive and feeling unattractive because I can't seem to seduce men into doing what I want when I want.

I have taken to not looking for couples...it wasn't what "we" were really wanting anyway. I have recently updated our acct.s on AFF and SLS to more directly state what we are wanting sexually I can only hope it will improve our results. Because at this rate I have only had sex 5 times in the past 3 Mo.

If you have any advice on how to better gain satisfaction I would be ever so thankful!

[LikeMinds321]

I would like to have read your profile on SLS before you updated it. As it reads now, I think things can only get worse for you.

Averygoodgirl is quite a different name than your SLS profile name: myboyfriendwantsme2fukyou.

First off I'd change your user name on SLS. That name - all by itself - makes me think that you are going to draw the absolute worst type of guys. Then, after reading your profile, I'm convinced of it.

On your SB profile you say you've been swinging for 16 years, you're 30 now. . .that means you started swinging at 14 years old?! Explain this please.

After reading your posts and profile here and on SLS, I'm finding it hard to understand (okay, believe) everything I've been presented with thus far.

I'll stand back awhile, listen, and see how this thread develops.

LM

[WesternSwing]

I agree with LikeMinds, your handle has allot to be desired. The kind of guys you are most wishing not to attract are the ones most attracted to a handle like that. The way your profile is worded also is a turn-on to that kind of guy. Less is more. State what you are looking for in a relationship with another guy and your boyfriend and don't get into the details of your sexual escapades. That can be saved for later.

All in all, if I just came across this profile I'd think it was a plant from either the website owners or a pay-for-porn enterprise and not a real profile.

That said, we've run into much the same crap you have when it comes to Mrs. WS finding a steady boyfriend outside our relationship. Many guys just don't understand the dynamics of how it all works. Most don't want to meet me at all, and that is a rule of ours. Whether it's a "boyfriend" of hers, or a "girlfriend" of mine, the general rule is that we both have to meet them and approve of them. We know they understand when they are as willing to have a threesome with both of us as they are to have sex with us individually. If a guy doesn't want me in the picture, that is a big red flag for us. Same goes for another woman, if she doesn't want Mrs. WS in the picture that is a big red flag. For us that says this person has other intentions going on or simply doesn't understand the dynamics of the situation and drama will ensue.

As far as the guys so, it seems what turns them on is the "I'm banging a cheating wife because her old man doesn't do it for her" scenario. Cheating is a turn-on for them, but having the husband's permission takes the fun out of it for them.

Can't fix that. You just have to be very upfront about what you are looking for and weed out the ones that don't get it. And changing your profile would be a big step toward that.

Some suggestions on your profile:

It starts out really good. Then it goes down hill. First, I'd take this out:

I crave sex almost all of the time and desire my mouth and pussy to be filled with hot cum throughout the day.

This says "Internet porn" not "polyamorous woman". I'd brief-down the description of your boyfriend. Be more right to the point, like "good looking, muscular, 200 lbs of fun" type stuff. You could delete the whole "tell us about your fantasies/real experiences" section. Unneeded. Just attracts the wrong element. Put something like "we can discuss this in person" in there. The last section is also good. I'd leave it. It even ends in humor. Good stuff there.

I would also add pictures of both of you to the profile. Make it look more like you both are looking for a poly-type situation, not just you. That way your boyfriend is included right from the get-go.

I hope that helps you a bit. We feel the same frustration sometimes.

[tribbles]

Maybe give up meeting online guys? Most we talked with online only aren't in tune with what swinging is to us. None I've talked with online would get the poly stuff at all. BUT...we have met guys who 'get it' and understand it at clubs and M&G's.

[Averygoodgirl]

Let me attempt to respond in terms you can (I hope) understand, LM321.
1. I am not here to be attacked (How rare and funny you feel the need to do so, I must cause you to feel incompetent or belittled to show your fangs to someone you don't even know.)
2. My BF did/dose want me to f*uck and I do. That alone WOULD make me A very good girl (just ask your husband). I guess the correlation is difficult for you to figure out though huh.
3. Your assumptions only reveal your own views on the men you have been lying with. As I have NEVER stated I have been or would ever allow someone to mistreat me. I said he "feared" I would become desperate.
4. Your correct the whole situation has not been divulged but seeing that I don't feel the need to HIDE behind the cyber persona and not reveal myself, I will tell. But just for a little lesson in manners...if you want to know something hunny just ask. It's been my experience in interactions with people that only liars think and accuse EVERYONE else of lying.

5. I developed early (9) C cup. By 11 I was 4'3, 95lbs and I was a DD. From age 12-14 I would say I was a cock tease.
I lost my virginity on my birthday, while drunk.... to a friend of my older brother. While continuing a loose fling I also continued to see and play with other guys. Driving guys wild in anticipation for just my attention was very astonishing. He (my first and bed buddy) caught me out in a park with a guy having a very romantic lunch. Not causing a scene he sat down and joined us. Being my first real relationship with two men (at once) it lasted for 3 years.

6. My next almost perfect relationship was 6 years ago. I met my ex fiance through a girl friend and the next day I was dating him and his best friend, they were also roommates. It was divine going out w/ S by day and enjoying R all evening, on the weekends we would run all over town together like the 3 musketeers. Wind up at their place to cook and clean until I was taken home Sun afternoons. For R to sleep the rest of the night with me. After 3 months S showed he was unhappy by trying to have me choose. (He was over all the better choice...but he would talk badly about R when he wasn't around.) That Fri night during our threesome S winked and reached out for R's privates causing R to quickly leave S's king sized bed. I flipped off the bed and spent the rest of the night and the year w/ R. R and S regained their friendship 2 yrs later S and I don't talk and though things didn't work out for R and I, we are friends and I am on the fence about opting to reopen things between us for this ultimate relationship.

7. My BF travels for work often. He wanted swinging prior to that job and as my SLS profile states we did it. When he got the new job that has him away from home so often it became his desire for the relationship to move toward a wife share situation so I would be taken care of sexually while he was away. We (my lover's & I) would film our sessions for him to view with me and while traveling. After 2 very special long term "friends" relocated to different States I became less interested in our situation. I began pushing away men the moment they began to develop feelings for me.

8. As for my other accounts... myBF in SLS I believe is MY and only MINE to share with other people. I did state it was "just changed" and the comment while stated by my man about me wanting to filled it would still be an accurate statement. The whole point of asking for advice however was not to be torn down but to get idea's on how to delicately spin what he likes about me w/ out sounding like a disease whore. I love him so I thought I would try being supportive than just shut down his crude attempts at getting involved in "our" online profile by getting advice. Funny, his statement is less offensive to me than the complete sexually repressed tirade by LM321. But it is abundantly obvious that California is more sexually open than the rest of the country, hence why more sex clubs and involved people in this State Compared to the rest of the country. Let's not forget tune in drop out and free love of my parents generation beginning in Berkley, CA.

9. My stance on SLS officially is that it is a forum mostly comprised of lesbian women. Seeing how I am not one I could understand why LM321 is so upset with me. It must be strange to be confronted with a woman who not only likes men, but loves cock and craves sex often. But that may also be because I am only 30 and have had males at my whim since 13. I love me, my life, and my sex drive I am pretty darn good at it as all of my ex's are still in my life if only as friends and relationship coaches when I get frustrated. But a select few are lover's for the past 10 years and will be unless they settle down. If you look again you can see SLS was the 1st profile as it states we would play with my ex's. I only met 1 guy I really liked and met in person on there and in Dec. he was done with his military duty and went home to KY. He was perfect for wife share and stated he would have loved to move in had he'd been here longer. Saying g'bye was so darn hard, I never realized I was so attached in only 8 Mo. The problem with SLS was not attracting the wrong guys, but that was almost ALL couples and they wanted me, not swap. Two however did want me to share their men but I was not attracted to their older out of shape men.

10. Which brings me to WS, thank you ever so much for your more diplomatic stance. Your advice about preference however I feel is very crucial. I am not a simple wall flower of a girl that is lucky to get noticed by a man, I walk out my front door and within the 15 foot walk from my front door of my APT to my car I am complimented and told how todays clothes are much more appealing than this weekends cleaning outfit that as always I am hott, fine, gorgeous, beautiful by 4-8 single male neighbors nearly every single day. I also had 1 couple down the way ask me if I would like to join them for a threesome.

11. Being attracted to your mate is so important, Just the sound of a mates voice or looking at him can make me uncontrollably wet. I just give my BF a simple delicate kiss as I am walking by from room to room... it gets and keep him hard until he gets up and walks around. Sometimes when he's in the kitchen helping with dishes....that's ultra rare considering work has him away all the time. But sometimes he will look over his shoulder at me and ooooh, I have to have him right then the look in his eyes the bulge of his muscles, how broad his back is and his tight butt. mmm mmm mmmm! I like my men to look like 4th yr Marines. Most of my men have been military, bouncers or police always fit and built. You don't let yourself go if your inlove w/ your partner, their smile let alone their expressed passion for you can completely lite your spirit with joy. A man who dose not up keep himself has low self esteem, why would I want to spend all my time lifting him up? It's not sexy to be a guys momma. BELIEVE me regardless of what my profile says, endless amounts of 50 somethings with guts like buick's still try to get my attention. I would ask of you to reconsider after my statements so that I can figure it out. I read swingersboard and it seemed to say not to post ad's here, so that's why I was asking for advice SLS is my jumping bord.

12. I agree with you for the most part that less is more, however in consideration of a sex site it has been my experience that strait forward weeds out the duds quickly... 1 night stand guy dose not bother when he see' long term, serious, committed. When I have met guys I liked at my mechanic's, Costco, Walgreen's, bar and grill for drinks w/ friends... discretion and simplicity which comes across as mysterious just draws them in more and seems to be my best strategy.

13. Tribbles... I must say your idea is where I have been most of my time. All of my ex's were from friends introductions, work, school, family social events but none from the internet. But in all fairness I have made a few really great friends from online including 2 best friends.

14. I am direct and to the point, this is what I want...from whom...how often.... I believe the statement about being filled could be seen as being playful. But considering that I take my time getting to know a person from where, how they live, to how many siblings and how they get along w/ their parents, even when is their b'day. Then I actually go for a lunch date in a popular eatery w/ my baby to keep things easy going but also giving me an out if I'm not attracted to him. Then a second date for dinner or drinks a week or two later when our lives will permit. Before taking things to a intimate situation. The way I like to play it out it will be a month before he will know how much muscle control I have but in 4 weeks it seems to be a good amount of time to connect people to one another and if he's all about sex BELIEVE ME... he can't help making it known quickly. As every thing about me from my mind set, figure, clothing style to my voice is extremely sensual.

I am sorry it took me so long to respond to each of you, it took me a moment to compose myself after the complete shock of such disturbing and down right rude comments from LM321. My best advice for you dear, would be what my father would say when I was a child.... if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all!

Kisses,
-J

[standatrest]

I'm a guy that (I think) umderstands how you feel. I wish I could find someone with your attitude and direct, up front communication. Although some people may disagree, I believe that type of communication works best in the long run. If the people you make contact with don't "get it" then I would suggest you just move on. You sound like a very "together" person and I'm sure there are thousands of guys out there that would love to share you! Good luck.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Averygoodgirl

LM321...if you want to know something hunny just ask...

Asking questions and requesting further information is something I do quite often in the forums; that's why I said, "Explain this please" in my post. You have explained a lot of things and I appreciate that.

Originally Posted by Averygoodgirl

LM321...

3. Your assumptions only reveal your own views on the men you have been lying with. As I have NEVER stated I have been or would ever allow someone to mistreat me. I said he "feared" I would become desperate.

This passage from your post has me boggled. I couldn't find where you said "he feared I would become desperate" so I don't know what you're referring to. And I've never suggested that you would allow someone to mistreat you.


J ~

When I questioned how you could have been swinging since 14 years of age, I wasn't questioning if you were having sex at that age, rather, I questioned how you could be "swinging" at that age. Reading your second post I think there was initial confusion because we each define things differently.

I know some girls have sex at age 14 (and younger) but I don't define that as swinging even if girls have multiple partners or threesomes at that age; I consider it simply sex. I see it as being non-monogamous. Some people even realize early on that they're "a natural" for polyamory.

Your SLS profile was opened in 2006 and your boyfriend has been swinging for 5 years (based on your SB profile). Finding swingers through swinger ad sites who understand poly is difficult. Sounds like you have had many great years of enjoyed relationships that you came upon without any need for swinger ads and now that you've been trying the swinger ad route it isn't bringing you the satisfaction you seek.

If you decide to continue to use ad sites, your profile is the first impression people receive. Writing a good profile is challenging because you have a small space that has to sum up who you are and what you want, and do it in a way that will attract who you seek.

I got the impression from your OP that you were open to comments on your SLS profile, and that is why I commented on it. If you would like other opinions about it there is a great long-running thread called "Couples Profile Reviews" where other members can offer advice.

LM