Longing for your partner

[NandTfromCA]

Posting to the Poly forum- up until a couple months ago, a position I did not see myself in.

My wife (N) and I have been swinging for about 2 years now. Everything has been awesome. We are head-over-heals in love with each other (and were before swinging too). We have friends in poly relationships and always talked about it with a tone of respect but thinking that it certainly isn’t for us. Although we have developed feelings, at a friendship level, for other people we have sex with we have had no intentions of developing poly relationships.

Now for my post…

I met a woman a few months back and we had an instant connection…a “WOW, what just slammed into me connection?!?!?”. From there, I didn’t resist the feelings I had for her, knowing what could happen (talking to N about it from the beginning).

Now, within the course of a couple months, I am completely in love with her (B). N is the only other person I have been truly in love with. This has been so amazing, if not pretty angsty.

N has been wonderful but it’s also an adjustment for her in that I am now sometimes doing something with B when I could be spending time with her (about an evening each week). For that reason, I don’t see B as much as I would like. Assuring that N doesn’t feel hurt or develop resentment, is worth not seeing B as much as I would like. B and N talk and hang out together sometimes (I really like that!). They don’t have the same connection with each other that I have with each them, but I wouldn’t expect that. All 3 of us have talked together about expectations.

Other than the longing I feel because I don’t see B as much as I would like, things are really in a beautiful spot.

What I am finding most difficult is balancing time between N and B. Spending time all together is the easy answer, and we all like that sometimes, but we also want our 1-on-1 time too. She’s 2 hours away so a visit is a 4-hour driving commitment.

On another note, B has limited experience with being in poly relationships but has several close friends who are/have been in them.

I’m writing this in part just to write it out, knowing that there probably isn’t “the answer” but maybe you have some advice…or moral support. Maybe this is just something that will work itself out as B and I move through the infatuation phase (it is RAGING!). Maybe you have thoughts for someone that is not new to thorough communication and expectation setting, but is new to polyamory.

Thanks in advance if you read that whole post!

T

[gatorvol64]

Wow, what a couple of months you all have had!

Your wife and I have mostly the same role. In our story, we started seeing another couple and it has been longer than a couple of months. We started seeing them in January. And, as with you, it was a case of raging infatuation between her and Gator (that's how he sees things now on his part). I could see how he was feeling before he did (or at least before he could admit it) and because I love him and want to give him so much, I didn't try to have him end things. Just talked to him because he needed to see where things were headed. I'll not lie to you and tell you that it has been easy. It hasn't. You obviously have a very loving wife and a great relationship with her. The "raging" part has settled down and things are moving at a slower pace. I and the husband of the other couple are close to an extent. We've tried to describe it to the other part of our halves as "really like, like". Not the love they have for one another. Not that deep. Right now, things seem to be working. And better than they were. I have to confess to being the one of the four that has had the biggest problem with things. Although it has been a little over 9 months, we still have to take some things day by day. Nothing in life that is worthwhile comes without some work.

Just hang in there. I admire the fact you are so concerned for your wife. I'm not sure how you handle things in your situation but, we have what I believe is called primary and secondary relationships. It makes things easier for us (at least Gator and I).

Vol

[GoNatural]

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

For that reason, I don’t see B as much as I would like. Assuring that N doesn’t feel hurt or develop resentment, is worth not seeing B as much as I would like.

What I am finding most difficult is balancing time between N and B. Spending time all together is the easy answer, and we all like that sometimes, but we also want our 1-on-1 time too. She’s 2 hours away so a visit is a 4-hour driving commitment.

A belief that polyamory people have is that love is not finite, therefore giving it to one person does not take love away from another. Yet, "time" is finite, and each of us only has 24 hours in a day. I've seen similiar topics discussed, but I've never seen a specific poly article that is focused on the issue of "time".

Personally I thik that you are doing the right thing by "continuing" to spend most of your time with N.

I do like the reply from gatorvol64. I certainly enjoyed what she had to say. It is great to hear it from another wife that is in the same position as your wife.

I also believe that a polyprimary relationship is the most suitable type of poly relationship for married couples that are not considering a live-in arrangement.

[avid]

I hear you about balancing time. My partner, when we began seeing each other, lived 4 hours away. At first, I saw him every 6 weeks or so, for an evening. After about 6 months, he began staying with us. Then, a little while later, he was living here half time as we started a business together. Now, he's here full time, and we've blended our families.

It's always been a challenge balancing time spent with my husband and my partner. Indeed, it can be exhausting. The need to feel I'm being "fair" keeps me on my toes.

Now that we're at the two-year mark, it's better, but also more challenging. We all spend so much time together, there is very little alone time with either of them, except when my partner and I travel for business. We just came back from an almost 10 day business trip, and although we were "together", we were so tired from all the travelling that it really didn't seem to count.

I think the next step, for us, is to carve out individual time as separate pairs, not just as a group of 3. While I don't have any specific advice for you, I do commiserate.

[NandTfromCA]

Thank you all for your posts. It's nice to see other people dealing with the same thing and working it out.

As a note- B is coming up today and staying for several days. N coordinated it! I'm such a lucky man, and looking to give the same energy back to both of them that they give me.

Hugs to y'all,

T

[ncmd_couple]

This is an interesting topic for me because even though we are not currently dealing with this issue, it is something that we may have to deal with in the near future. There is a lady that lives in Arizona who we have been with, but as we are in Maryland, needless to say we don’t see her often.

But, if things work out we may all be in the same area together and then it will become a time issue for us as well. We have discussed this also and what is acceptable to us as a primary couple. Fortunately, I think that our individual needs mesh in a way that it will be fairly easy to work out. Scheduling time together as a triad and separately sounds easy on paper, but the realities of life are going to screw things up I’m sure. So I will be reading this thread with some interest.

As a side note, I actually discovered swinging as a side line of Poly. I believe that love is additive, not divisive. And trying to deal with why my loving and caring for more than woman has to be so frowned upon in society. But that is a whole other topic for discussion!

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by ncmd_couple

And trying to deal with why my loving and caring for more than woman has to be so frowned upon in society. But that is a whole other topic for discussion!

I see what you are saying about why should I only have to love one woman.
Coming from one woman. I love my Dog and I don't want to share him emotionally. That maybe very selfish of me, but I don't want to be anyones Primary or secondary, I just want to be their only.

I totaly respect the poly lifestyle and I am intrigued by how well it works for some. Menage being a beautiful example. But in the still of the night, I want to be the only one Dog is wanting to hold and nurture.

We have close swinger friends who I love very much, but as was once stated, In a normal, healthy, non poly sort of way. I like that best.

Your friend,
Prettylady

**to protect my ass. I would like to say that poly is perfectly normal and healthy, I did not imply differently in my last statement. All three words are completely seperate.**

[avid]

Originally Posted by prettylady

**to protect my ass. I would like to say that poly is perfectly normal and healthy, I did not imply differently in my last statement. All three words are completely seperate.**

That's a very sweet disclaimer, prettylady, but I don't think you need to worry. Since this forum started, everyone has been so very careful not to judge. That's appreciated.

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by prettylady

That maybe very selfish of me, but I don't want to be anyones Primary or secondary, I just want to be their only.

I hear you completely.

N and I felt the same way. We didn't want to share ourselves in a deep emotional way, with anyone else. My other concern was that I didn't want anyone to have to be a secondary.

Now, it feels so much like the questions around swinging...
Do I really need another person to have a sexual relationship with?
Do I want my partner to be wanting to have a sexual relationship with someone else?
Will being with someone else tear us apart?

The journey into/through swinging has only brought us closer (if that was possible). I wouldn't want to credit the act itself but the whole journey. The journey into polyamory seems to be the same way.

Still working through balancing time though. We have been doing alot more together lately so that helps a ton.

That said, those are just our experiences. To each their own...it's a beautiful thing.

Namaste,

T

[NandTfromCA]

By the way, the answers I came to...

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

Do I really need another person to have a sexual relationship with?

Nope, but it's fun. We don't need to eat different flavored foods either but it adds joy to our lives. Different people have different qualities. It's a blast experiencing them.

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

Do I want my partner to be wanting to have a sexual relationship with someone else?

No...Maybe...Yes. That's how that evolution went. Now, it makes me happy when N get's to desire, and then gets together with, another person. Her happiness makes me happy.

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

Will being with someone else tear us apart?

Not in the slightest. It just highlights one more reason we appreciate each other...we can be who we want to be. Good energy (love, joy, whatever you like) isn't finite. Brought together, it grows exponentially (not mathematically proven...just felt ).


You could plug polyamory or swinging as the subject of those questions.

[WesternSwing]

This is a very good topic, because as was mentioned, much is written and said about the roles of each member in a poly relationship and how love is infinite, but I also have never, ever seen anything written on "how to spread your time between more than one partner so neither feels short-changed."

We also have this problem, but a little differently for Mrs. WS and I. For my part, I am okay with Mrs. WS seeing her boyfriend in the evening or on a weekend because I feel she needs that "Mrs. WS time" away from real life, and her boyfriends over the years have been single guys with no kids; so it really is a fantasy, a vacation if you will. She comes back emotionally recharged.

On the other hand, she does not like it if I see a girlfriend in the evening or on weekends or anytime other that could be spent with her. 8AM to 5PM Monday thru Friday is okay because she works during this period and therefore I am not taking time away from her.

Selfish? Maybe a little. Jealous? Maybe a little also. But it's how she is comfortable. She feels bad about the arrangement being this way because she feels she is not being equal to me in how this is done and she can't give me what I give her. However, little in life is ever "equal" because everyone is different and therefore thinks and feels differently. You just try to come by a workable arrangement for everyone.

Longing? I can understand that too. I see how Mrs. WS longs for her boyfriend sometimes, and she doesn't hide it from me and we talk about it openly. I see the insecurities that she has that she won't show to him, the "do you think he really likes me?" type stuff. It's sweet, and cute. Mrs. WS and I really are best friends and more than sexually we need each other for that deep bonding on a level that we can't expose of ourselves to other people.

I also was in love with another woman about five years ago, unfortunately it was before Mrs. WS and I ever got into the swinging lifestyle and from there toward poly, therefore it was kept a secret from Mrs. WS. We would talk on the phone during the day, IM each other, go to lunch once in awhile, and because she was a neighbor and Mrs. WS's best friend at the time we'd see each other quite often at our house or hers. But I was never really able to act on my feelings, and by the time Mrs. WS and I came to the point of being poly-accepting in our life, the neighbor and her husband split in a fiery ball of hate for each other, out of self defense we cut off all communication with both of them, and I don't know where she is to this day. But I still long for her. She is a special person in my life and always will be.