Swinger/Poly Over-Lap ... GTA in particular ...

[mc4d2150]

I am of the belief that there is a good deal of common 'middle' ground that is occupied by both persuations - that centre space where there seems to be a common 'need' for at least some degree of intimacy. That is the area where personnally I feel most comfortable. I am not at all sure I am really attracted to 'just' recreational sex, without some emotional involvement - let's call that the left wing of the committed swingers group; neither do I lean towards 'birkenstocks', triad/quad living arrangements and some other somewhat (to me!) dramatic lifestyles scenarios - let's for the sake of this post, call that the right wing of the poly positive group. But, for the record, I can & do respect all of the different levels of comfort.

The over-lap seems to occur where the right wing of the swimgers, over-laps with the left wing of the polys - that middle area where 'ethical' non-monogamy, intimacy, some love & relationships & the reality of life come together and where many of us want to find a safe, comfortable, open-minded, community, that is accepting of our non-monogamous choice of lifestyle.

Within the Greater Toronto Area (GTA) there are a number of groups that relate and cater, at least in part, to this 'over-lap' comfort zone. There are groups that meet both weekly & monthly; many different 'flavours' in fact. Most are very supportive & welcoming, each with their own priorities , but accepting of others.

I thought it was time for me to reach out and offer a point of contact for any who want to know more. In the past 3 yrs I have learnt that dear old 'TO the good' is a pretty stimulating & fun place - and it was right under my nose!

M.

[avid]

Thanks for your post. We're a swinging/poly MFM triad in the east end of the GTA. I'm familiar with weekly poly events and a couple of Yahoo groups, but not so much for the overlap.

We've been a triad for a couple of years now, and we're gaining acceptance within our circle of friends, as well as our local clubs. We haven't had too much time to explore our swinging options as of yet, but we're looking forward to the adventure.

[mc4d2150]

Glad that you spoke up!

I know I have read your posts over the past few months & I do like & apprecitate your openness.

We should maybe try & build a bit of a comfortable community here...

M.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by mc4d2150

Within the Greater Toronto Area (GTA) there are a number of groups that relate and cater, at least in part, to this 'over-lap' comfort zone. There are groups that meet both weekly & monthly; many different 'flavours' in fact. Most are very supportive & welcoming, each with their own priorities , but accepting of others.
M.

Wish we had something like this around here!!!!!!!!!!!!

[StacyCat]

I think it would be an interesting study to see how many swingers have poly tendencies, and how many polys have swinger tendencies.

I also think that the strict dichotomy is more about misconceptions than about realities. After all, if someone is "poly" and only fucks people within a committed relationship, its far easier to ostracise a swinger by pretending that they only fuck strangers. And vice versa.

So, short answer, many people fall in the middle.

[pagan-lovers]

I definitely fall in the middle somewhere. Some of our good friends in the lifestyle are Poly and it's totally cool with us, but I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be to keep 4 people together than 2. On the other side we only feel comfortable playing with people, we not only know, but like. We got started in this with "friends with benefits" we didn't even know we were swinging. We just played with some open minded friends we were attracted to. Since we have been in the lifestyle we have met more great people, who will be friends whether we play when we get together or not.

OK I'm just rambling now, so I'm done.
Mr. PL

[Hotwife Sharona]

I have learned thanks to many bumps scrapes & bruises to live by this;

NEVER judge someone til you have walked in their shoes.

I have found myself in 'their shoes' many a time in my life, and have been bit in the ass more than once.

About a year ago we were in a relationship that we considered borderline 'poly' in that it was exclusive(everyone agreed) and we spent all of our time together-but didn't live together.

Come to find out, he was screwing around-A LOT! I had no idea how he even had time! I had always defended the situation to people who said it can't work yaddah yaddah.......and I'm sure there are peple who make it work.

I was disillusioned to think that a 'good friend' could even THINK of doing that to me, let alone manipulate me that way.

So my advice is go in with your eyes open, and don't be a fool. (I mean that in the most respectful way). The thing about fire is it will burn you before you even realize it's there.


~someone who has been burned BADLY~

[avid]

Originally Posted by Hotwife Sharona

So my advice is go in with your eyes open, and don't be a fool. (I mean that in the most respectful way). The thing about fire is it will burn you before you even realize it's there.

This, of course, is excellent advice for any relationship a person enters into, whether it be professional or personal.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by Hotwife Sharona

I have learned thanks to many bumps scrapes & bruises to live by this;

NEVER judge someone til you have walked in their shoes.

I have found myself in 'their shoes' many a time in my life, and have been bit in the ass more than once.

About a year ago we were in a relationship that we considered borderline 'poly' in that it was exclusive(everyone agreed) and we spent all of our time together-but didn't live together.

Come to find out, he was screwing around-A LOT! I had no idea how he even had time! I had always defended the situation to people who said it can't work yaddah yaddah.......and I'm sure there are peple who make it work.

I was disillusioned to think that a 'good friend' could even THINK of doing that to me, let alone manipulate me that way.

So my advice is go in with your eyes open, and don't be a fool. (I mean that in the most respectful way). The thing about fire is it will burn you before you even realize it's there.


~someone who has been burned BADLY~

I think this can be said of ALL relationships, not just poly. This person would be doing this even if he was married. It's a personality trait, not a symptom of the lifestyle. We know many VERY faithful poly relationships.

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by mc4d2150

I am of the belief that there is a good deal of common 'middle' ground that is occupied by both persuations - that centre space where there seems to be a common 'need' for at least some degree of intimacy. That is the area where personnally I feel most comfortable. I am not at all sure I am really attracted to 'just' recreational sex, without some emotional involvement - let's call that the left wing of the committed swingers group; neither do I lean towards 'birkenstocks', triad/quad living arrangements and some other somewhat (to me!) dramatic lifestyles scenarios - let's for the sake of this post, call that the right wing of the poly positive group. But, for the record, I can & do respect all of the different levels of comfort.

The over-lap seems to occur where the right wing of the swimgers, over-laps with the left wing of the polys - that middle area where 'ethical' non-monogamy, intimacy, some love & relationships & the reality of life come together and where many of us want to find a safe, comfortable, open-minded, community, that is accepting of our non-monogamous choice of lifestyle.

I think it's kind of the other way around. :rollseyes In our experience those in the poly groups we know locally have been far more judgmental of swingers than swingers of them. You get some of both groups being that way, but overall it has seemed to us that we have not been accepted in many circles because we have "recreational sex" rather than having to be "in love" with them first.

Mrs. WS has several high school friends that are in the poly community here, so we've been to many of the Poly-potluck dinners and such. Overall they've been very accepting, but we've had a few, very openly and publicly pass judgment on our lifestyle.

From our viewpoint poly seems more conservative and "right wing" and swingers seem to be more liberal and "left wing". Not all, but it seems so to us.

For us, we fall in the middle, also. We've had a poly relationship in the past. We are open to it happening again if the right person comes along, but we're not seeking it. The last one just happened and if it happens again it will happen the same way: we'll just stumble upon it.

We also find ourselves with a group of friends or what we call our "tribe" where we've all become very close and do many things together. It's closer than just a zipless fuck, that's for sure. We have to be attracted to people in other ways than just physical to have sex with them. It doesn't mean that we have to be friends, or friends first (we play plenty on the first date), but there as to be more chemistry than just physically to get naked with them. They have to be someone we could be friends with for us to feel that need to get naked with them.

Besides, for us, this kind of attraction makes for better sex.

Mr. WS

P.S. That said, I wish there was a group such as yours locally. Hmmm. Maybe I'll start one.

[Hotwife Sharona]

I agree about 'the judgers of swingers'........we've been in both groups before-and have noticed that even though when we make the 'rules' clear, the 'swingers' that claim to understand & be okay with it are the first ones to try to violate them?? :surrender but you read in places like this how important it is to respect relationships etc-then meet the speakers & find out we don't always practice what we preach. It's really sad because it turns people off to the 'lifestyle'.

[HUSGal]

Originally Posted by mc4d2150

I am of the belief that there is a good deal of common 'middle' ground that is occupied by both persuations - that centre space where there seems to be a common 'need' for at least some degree of intimacy. That is the area where personnally I feel most comfortable. I am not at all sure I am really attracted to 'just' recreational sex, without some emotional involvement - let's call that the left wing of the committed swingers group; neither do I lean towards 'birkenstocks', triad/quad living arrangements and some other somewhat (to me!) dramatic lifestyles scenarios - let's for the sake of this post, call that the right wing of the poly positive group. But, for the record, I can & do respect all of the different levels of comfort.

M.

M -

I seem to be right there with you lately. Recreational sex is great for some, but I need more. I keep telling Brian that. I'm not really looking for another "boyfriend" or "husband" per say (god knows there's enough drama in my life), but I want a little more - like emotional attachment or something along those lines like you were speaking of without another person to feed or clean up after. LOL.

Personally - anymore - I've gotten to the point where if you don't have a personality and if you can't entertain me outside of the bedroom then you have no chance of getting me inside of the bedroom.

Brian looks at swinging as just SEX. Great - I've had plenty of recreational sex though. It's a "been there - done that - gotten that tee shirt more times than I care to remember or care to count" type of thing for me (I'm 100% clean though - I can honestly say that). So I've gotten lucky unlike some in my life. But through all that recreational sex I can only count on one hand how many times there was that emotional feeling there.

Personally sex is better if you FEEL something. Yes, I know, there are some swingers who aren't looking for the extra emotional baggage or whatever, which is fine for them, but if you have feelings for someone it seems to me that the orgasims are so much stronger, longer and better. I have no idea why either. Yeah - getting off is basically the point, but at this point in my sex life - I want them GREAT!

So take it for what it's worth. I'm glad you found a great sounding place. I wish we had something like that around here!

Best Regards,
Nadia

[md70mtl]

Count us in for being in the middle of the recreational/emotional spectrum of ethical nonmonogamy. Looking for "Friends with Benefits" that can share affection and intimacy.. both in and outside the bedroom.

[GoNatural]

I'm in that middle ground too. I discovered that I have a hard time enjoying sex with a woman/couple if there is something that I disagree with them on such as a value or a lifestyle choice. When I first started swinging, this did not matter and all that mattered was that they were std free, friendly, and safe for me to be around. Now, I'm definitely in the middle, and I'm open to some emotional connections with a woman that is married, but I feel that I could still have purely recreational sex when it was called for.