How would you handle this.........

[Menage_a_Trois]

Ok - I have a situation at work and I need some advice.....Let me set it up so you get the full picture.

I'm in a triad (I'm the single live in girlfriend). I work in an environment where this relationship style would not be accepted or tolerated if it was public knowledge. People at my office know Mrs. Menage as my best friend and Mr. Menage as my live in boyfriend. I am forever being asked by people I work with when we are going to "tie the knot" or finally get married, why we don't, and on and on and on.

I'm getting tired of repeating myself with people that I'm happy not being married, and having things the way they are. But because of the fact that I was previously married for 25 yrs everyone has this image of me as the marriage type and that there most be something wrong for me not to be married.........

Mr. Menage says I'm being too sensitive to the on slot of questioning about this.....whats your opinion and what would you reply to co-workers with if you were in my shoes.

Thanks for the input!

The Other Mrs. Menage

[blondie77]

I understand how you feel..to an extent. My husband and I don't have any children and it gets frustrating when people continue to ask when we're going to have a baby. People who don't even know us that well have actually come up to us and demanded (maybe a strong word) to know why we haven't had a child yet, and what problems we were having that we haven't yet...as if it were anyone's business. Well, it used to really bother me to the point where I would stamer and stutter trying to find the right answer. (We are having fertility problems so it's a touchy subject). Finally one day my husband said, "Well, it's not for a lack of trying" and then laughed, which made the other person laugh...at which point my husband changed the subject. I find that having a statement ready for when people quiz you on personal things really helps. It also, IMO, helps if it makes them laugh.

I don't know exactly what you could say, but perhaps something like, "When pigs fly", "Been there, done that, not doing it again", "As if I could get him to walk down the aisle!".....okay I can't think of anymore, and yeah, they're pretty lame. But you get the picture. I wouldn't feed their curiosity with such long drawn out answers, because honestly, it's not their business. Just be polite, and perhaps funny, and honest...you just don't want to get married. Of course, you could put a "yet" on the end of that...just to shut them up. Good luck.

[avid]

Firstly, let me ask a question. If you could respond to their questions with COMPLETE honesty, what would you tell these people?

I have a couple of suggestions of what you might respond:

Along the lines of MYOB, you could say "Why do you ask?" Puts the ball back in their court, and hopefully they come to realize how intrusive their question is. I think this is an Ann Landers/Dear Abby kind of response.

If you feel a little glib, when people ask why you don't get married, you could respond "Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!"

I wish I could offer more. My friends have been asking why my partner doesn't just move in with us full time. The answer is complicated, and it makes me sad to even contemplate it. I wish they wouldn't ask, although I know it's only because they love me, and they see how happy we all are together.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by blondie77

I don't know exactly what you could say, but perhaps something like, "When pigs fly", "Been there, done that, not doing it again", "As if I could get him to walk down the aisle!".....okay I can't think of anymore, and yeah, they're pretty lame. But you get the picture. I wouldn't feed their curiosity with such long drawn out answers, because honestly, it's not their business. Just be polite, and perhaps funny, and honest...you just don't want to get married. Of course, you could put a "yet" on the end of that...just to shut them up. Good luck.

My only problem with responses like this is that it make the relationship seem as if it's just a relationship, one where you talk about the other in a not so favorable light etc. Kind of glib responses if you will.

The Other Mrs. Menage

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by avid

Firstly, let me ask a question. If you could respond to their questions with COMPLETE honesty, what would you tell these people?

The truth - for us that this is a marriage between the three of us only without the legal paper to back it up. We are all equally committed to each other and this relationship.

Originally Posted by avid

If you feel a little glib, when people ask why you don't get married, you could respond "Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!"

My only problem with the typical glib answer one might feel inclined to give is it doesn't promote that team, being one unit whether it be two (2) on the team or three (3) in our case. I see and hear soooo many couples, both men and women talk in a disrespectful light about their partners that I don't want to ever do that. Sure do we have days where we are frustrated with each other, absolutely, but where is the value add in telling others and making our SO other look like they are an ass.

So for me that off handed glib response just doesn't go with the loving light in which I hold my SO's in. I will however try putting the ball back in their court with asking them "Why they want to know?"..............

Thanks

The Other Mrs. Menage

[blondie77]

I agree with you that the typical glib answers can sometimes feel like you're putting down your partner...and I would never insult my husband ever. However, what I meant was there must be something you can say that will get your point across without going into detail and also letting people know they are being intrusive. I think it gets rather tedious when you have to answer the same nosy questions all the time, so we have a particular response we always say and it lets people know that we aren't going to answer beyond that.

I don't really know what you could say...but perhaps something simple and along the lines of "well, we're pretty happy just the way we are, but thanks for caring enough to ask," and leave it at that.

In any case...I hope you find the answers you're looking for. I'm sure someone will come along and write a better response and I'll read it and go..."YES..that's exactly what I meant!" haha. Good luck

[intuition897]

Hi O.M.M.,

I think maybe you just said it right there:

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

The truth - for us that this is a marriage between the three of us only without the legal paper to back it up. We are all equally committed to each other and this relationship.

Just edit it slightly to fit a little more smoothly through the vanilla ear:

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

...for us...this is a marriage...only without the legal paper to back it up. We are...committed to each other and this relationship.

Just tell them you don't feel the need to put the "rubber stamp" on it with a formal ceremony, and that short of that (silly bit of going through the motions) it is in all other ways a very real marriage.

Mr. intuition and I stopped wearing our wedding bands. People notice. This is a choice we make, almost denouncing the physical corruptible nature of THIS world (rings can be lost, worn out, destroyed, stolen...) and making an unspoken statement that we don't need pieces of metal to know whom we each belong to. But try explaining that to the expectantly grinning traditionalist standing before you, almost accusatory in his demeanour. So I just tell them *sigh* Mr. intuition can't wear his due to work, and I lost mine and just never got around to replacing it. And then I assure him/her that it really isn't a big deal or a statement about the frail state of our relationship or anything.

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by avid

you could say "Why do you ask?" Puts the ball back in their court, and hopefully they come to realize how intrusive their question is. I think this is an Ann Landers/Dear Abby kind of response.

My response exactly. And it will shut them up.

Or, to have fun (and I know this is stressing you, so this is just for a laugh) you can say, "Oh marriage? Wait. I'm only using Mr Menage for sex. Once I get tired of him or he can't keep up anymore, I'll toss him aside and find me another boy toy"



I'm living with Mr. Fun. Just last week, the girls in the office asked if there are wedding plans in our future. I get tongue tied. I told Mr. Fun about it, and he came up with the above response. Now, next time if I remember to use it, I hope I can get it all out with a straight face without cracking myself up. The cool thing about that type of response is that it will completely get a laugh, and the subject will bound to change.

[TNT]

I like the "Why do you ask? ", response, makes them stop and think why they are asking.

You could also say...."Who says we're not?"....

Of course, I have been known to tell people when I'm asked about things I don't want to answer..."It's really none of your business", with a smile of course

Sorry, I really don't have a good witty response.


Teresa

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by blondie77

"well, we're pretty happy just the way we are, but thanks for caring enough to ask," and leave it at that.

In any case...I hope you find the answers you're looking for. I'm sure someone will come along and write a better response and I'll read it and go..."YES..that's exactly what I meant!" haha. Good luck

That's good! I like that and I didn't mean anything disrespectfully to your response. It was more of a take on how I see the other women and men at work act towards their SO's and I don't want to be one of them!

But I really appreciate your responses! Thanks.

The Other Mrs. Menage

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

Or, to have fun (and I know this is stressing you, so this is just for a laugh) you can say, "Oh marriage? Wait. I'm only using Mr Menage for sex. Once I get tired of him or he can't keep up anymore, I'll toss him aside and find me another boy toy"

I've already saiding something to this effect and they look at me crazy.......my favorite right now is how are you handling having him gone at night with his new job and I've told them it's no big deal, I've got some boyfriends on the side to keep me busy.......... their eyes just get huge lol

Oh well.........if they only knew.

The Other Mrs. Menage

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

I've already saiding something to this effect and they look at me crazy.......my favorite right now is how are you handling having him gone at night with his new job and I've told them it's no big deal, I've got some boyfriends on the side to keep me busy.......... their eyes just get huge lol

Oh well.........if they only knew.

The Other Mrs. Menage

HAHAHAHAHA!! Perfect

[jon0468]

it really chaps my hide that it's not "legal". I know my wife would love to marry her oso, it would make her shine like the sun to be married to us both. I think that if it works for you to just be committed to each other, then have a ceremony that reflects this, like a marriage, exchange rings or whatever and then consider yourselves married. That way you can tell people you are married. How is it ok for mormons to engage in polygamy? How do they get around the "legalities" of marrying more than one?


thanks for the read!


Jon

[sereneiders]

How about this: "We're convinced we have an arrangement way more solid and meaningfull than the one stated by the formal marriage, to the point marriage became pointless to us. For most relationships the formal arrangement works fine and it's representative enough for their actual bonds. I've been there and then divorced, and up to me the formal arrangement doesn't fit anymore my feelings and toughts about the way a relationship should work FOR ME, while the current arrangement works for me... even if not backed up by laws from the lack of formalitzation, or parhaps PRECISELLY because it isn't backed up."

As from a further argument, this is one I feel strong enough (at least for me): "not being married means you have to make an everyday effort to feed up your relationship, we realized this attitude is refreshing and spicing, and highly enjoyable. Shoul we marry there's no way out but to divorce to get back to this point, and even inf consented, that would be a loss, so unless we find ourselves in a situation where the advantage of marrying were better than the advantages we found in our current arrangement, we wont marry".

How refreshing and spicing? "well... that ins't your business, it'd be a very intimate answer"-

In fact, the actual speech isn't that important, the important thing is to point out it is a very personal and private matter and you have a conviction about it. Also, if you plan to "lie" or "disguise" the truth, I'd suggest you to do it in a way resembling the truth, at least to have a way out in the case you were caught. For example, talk about "we" but not about "us two". Should someone even realize of your triad, allow them to recognize you told them the truth before... just allowing them to fill the voids with their own assumptions about you and your relationship. I believe this is important, as to give you the chance for a "damage control", a chance it'd be very likely to be lost once they feel you openly lie to them.

[jon0468]

We've been worried about this topic too. My wife works in a cosmetology school, and one of the owners is a pastor or something like that. Well, both of us guys see her for dinner breaks, either one or the other or sometimes both of us. Some of the girls there have asked who he was, commented on how hot he is, etc. This makes my wife uncomfortable, as she would like to say things to the effect of "you have no idea" lol. She has described him as her best friend, but you can tell by the way she acts with him, by the way she looks at him that there is more to it. So much so, that one day, some of the students approached her after we left, and said they heard a rumor that she was having a secret affair with him. She just told the truth, to the students anyways, said it was not a secret, that I knew, and then asked them to please be discreet about it. So far, nothing has changed. I was a bit uncomfortable the next time I went up there, knowing that we were out to some of them. After I left one of the students even asked her if I saw any other people, and then volunteered to "hook me up" with friends, but then changed her mind and volunteered herself, lol. So far, I have not gone out with her, but I can't say that I wouldn't. I was a bit surprised to find they were accepting of our relationship, and even willing to be involved, lol. But that's the students, guess we will have to see if the staff ever finds out.


One day, I told my wife just to tell them she is just like Demi Moore, only that she gets to have her Bruce Willis and her Ashton Kutcher all at once. lol. Fits, since he is so much younger, and I sport that shaved head Bruce look. lol. She thought it was funny too.