Poly lifestyle and discrimination/persecution

[jon0468]

I was wondering, as my triad is on the brink of "coming out", if anyone has had any problems with employers, peers, family, students, or anyone in any of their daily dealings, that treats you poorly, or discriminates against you. Even if anyone has had the possibility of losing employment because the employer does not approve of someone's choice of lifestyle. What are anyone's experiences, and what are the legal rights etc that we have? How do we live our chosen life, and do it openly and without shame or fear of "punishment"? I hope I am conveying my concerns and questions correctly. Fire away any other questions or advice.

Thanks!


John

[clutch]

Hi Jon

I believe your question is complex.

First of all, I don't know that swingers "come out," per se. A lot of swingers I know do so semi-openly, and are well known amongst each other. In my town, judges and doctors swing and have a lot of extra marital sex (often with each other!) They don't exactly parade it around, but on the other hand, they don't really hide it either. And everyone knows it--not in a hateful gossipy way, but like anyone else, swingers talk about their experiences.

Generally speaking, a lot of the swinging community where I live, is the upper level professionals. Again, they don't advertise it, but it's well known, and they really don't care. Many are prominent church members and community leaders--sound ones at that.

Keep in mind, I live in the Bible belt.

People know my wife and I swing, but I'd say most of them are in the swingers community or our direct family. We only swing with one other couple--for health and simplicity, plus it's enough for us. I can't say much about who some other swingers in our personal circle of contacts are, because it's not my story to tell.

There are several businesses which are well known as hotbeds of swinging in our town. (Have been for years.) These are big, very successful companies, which if I named, you'd recognize at least one of them.

And yet, it's generally not discussed in polite company (unless it's a sub-group is totally comprised of swingers who know one another).

It's not unusual to see 2 couples who are swinging out on the town. (I don't mean to imply that every twosome couple are swingers.) I suppose not everyone could tell that they were swingers, but the ones who are swingers can tell.

This is kinda rambly, and I don't know if I hit any nails on the head; best of luck.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by jon0468

I was wondering, as my triad is on the brink of "coming out", if anyone has had any problems with employers, peers, family, students, or anyone in any of their daily dealings, that treats you poorly, or discriminates against you. Even if anyone has had the possibility of losing employment because the employer does not approve of someone's choice of lifestyle. What are anyone's experiences, and what are the legal rights etc that we have? How do we live our chosen life, and do it openly and without shame or fear of "punishment"? I hope I am conveying my concerns and questions correctly. Fire away any other questions or advice.

Thanks!


John

John,

I too have had the same concerns as you. I have wanted to "come out" at work many times for various reason but hold back due to the unknown. We will be watching this closely to see what responses come in.

Please let us know and keep us all posted on your success and struggles with this - it is how we all learn. Good luck!

The Other Mrs. Menage

[jon0468]

thank you both for reading. Clutch, I just wanted to say, my question was not so much about swinging, as much as poly. There are so many times that my wife just wants to gush about her OSO, and starts to say boyfriend and it comes out best friend. When ladies at work go on about him when he visits her, she just wants to tell them about him. It's like hiding a husband, and we don't want to be shameful about it, but she doesn't want to lose a job because someone thinks what we are doing is wrong. Look forward to reading more.


Thanks!

[jon0468]

An update! My wifes oso had a conversation with his mom the other day, and during it came out and told her what he is doing. She was a little dumbfounded, said it was a little weird, she knows us and claims to not hold anything against us. Actually, her biggest concern is that she won't have any grandkids any time soon. Not that my wife would not love to conceive with him, but she can't any more. His mom was also concerned about the age gap. Also, she said she kind of had an idea it was going on. You can tell when she is around him, you can just see it on her face, she is NO good at hiding her emotions, lol. One of the many reasons I love her :-)

His mom advised him not to tell anyone else, especially not his younger siblings or my kids. I disagree, I feel my kids would very much accept him, I mean they do now, and they are all enamored of him, they just don't know how close their mom and he are. Or do they? lol

[jon0468]

oh yeah, another thing. The students where my wife works, they started a rumor about her and her "best friend" since he meets her for lunch some days, and then they asked her about it. They said they heard she was having a secret affair with her best friend. She said, no I am not. It's not a secret. My husband knows. They were also dumbfounded lol. She did ask them to please be discreet about it, she does not want to lose her job. We shall see where it goes, I will post as new things develop!

[VegasLee]

Just for information.

Here in Las Vegas. Teachers have a clause in their contracts that states:

"What Teachers or school personal do in their private lives has no affect on their employment with the school district as long as it is not Illegal or affects their job performance or their students ability to learn from them." (wording may differ but that is the basis of it.)

This was brought out in the news last week here in town when one of the news stations decided to search MySpace for teachers profiles. Some of them where better then what you can find in Playboy. facelick

That does not mean that some busybody at the school district is not going to go on a witch hunt but I found it interesting that they would add that to their contracts when they hire them.

What you need to remember is that if you choose this lifestyle then you also have to be ready to stand up and defend your own choices when others try to take your life away. You can not expect the world to accept your lifestyle choice at face value. People don't work that way in this country. They feel it is their purpose in life to change you and make you fit into what they feel is the "right way" of living.

We have found being "out' is much easier then telling lies and hiding it in the long run. Does not work for everyone but has made our life much easier.

Good Luck to you.

[daisy girl]

Hey there! I gather that your wife is a teacher. I am wondering if it is primary or secondary? If she teaches those under 18, and has disclosed to them, she may have a problem from those who see her as "pushing her sexual deviance on her students." There are many out there who do not understand swinging and/or polyamory and will try to make a big deal out of it. We recently disclosed our swinging to a "good friend" and were outed. We are still dealing with the fallout. My advice, especially if she teaches those under 18, is to be as discrete as possible. It is never good to be at the center of a scandal.

Good Luck.

[jon0468]

good advice, I had not thought of it from that angle. It is actually neither of those schools, she teaches cosmetology, so everyone there is out of high school, lol.

[OkieOgre]

We had to 'Come Out' to our families about 6 months ago, since our GF was pregnent. It was pretty hard but all in all my family and my wife's and GF's family took it well. We are all happily expecting our newest little one any day now.

I haven't 'come out' to anyone at my work place, but my wife has made no secret of the fact that she has a GF at her work. They seem to be taking it in stride and there's been no harsh recrimination or judgement, in fact she's recently recieved a big promotion and raise.

I am afraid to come out at my work place though becuase my supervisor and many in my team are strong "Bible Thumper" types . They are good people but I don't know how they'd react to my different lifestyle.

Hopefully one day people will be more open and accepting that everyone is different.

-Ogre