Is this how it is supposed to work??

I'm a member here but wanted to post this anonymously since the other parties involved come to this board.

My husband and I are fairly new to polyamory and each have seperate relationships outside of our marriage (not with another couple). A couple weeks back we were having a conversation about our OSOs. I'm not sure how the topic came up but I told my husband that, if he were to ask me to stop seeing my boyfriend, I would do that though I would be unhappy because my hubby is my primary. When I then asked this question in return of my husband in regards to his girlfriend, he said that he didn't think he would stop talking to her even if I asked him to. I was left upset and confused by his response and feel the dynamics of the relatiosnhips have changed without me knowing. Now, for the record, I don't think I would ever ask him to top seeing her but that isn't the point.

I'm not really asking if my hubby is in the wrong here but other's opinions on how our conversation turned out. Being new to poly, I thought those that have been in relationships like this for sometime could clue me in if I am missing something. Is this how it is supposed to work??

[avid]

I don't think there is any "supposed to" in any situation involving human emotions and relationships. We're just unique, and what works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another.

That being said, I love my partner very much. If, however, my husband believed that my relationship with my partner was hurting my marriage and he wanted me to stop seeing him, I would.

The wonderful thing about my husband, though, is that he would never do that. We would work on the problem, and if it wasn't resolvable, I would take the initiative to stop seeing my partner. It would be very hard to do, but I just can't imagine doing anything to hurt the man who loves me more than anything.

[MRandMRS]

I agree that there is no "supposed to" in relationships, especially poly ones.

What arrangement have you all agreed on within your relationship? Some people clearly have a primary > secondary relationship where as with others, everyone pretty much has equal rights.

If you thought you were the primary, but husband makes it seem like the other woman has equal rights, then it sounds like you probably do need to talk a little more and hammer things out so everyone's on the same page.

[GoNatural]

A characteristic of a polyprimary arrangement is that the primary partners have the power of Veto, or so I read.

[mentorNJ]

Never ask a question you don't want to know the answer to....

Human emotions mean rough patches. You two have gone beyond NSA sex to something else.

[StacyCat]

If my primary partner had a very good reason for me to stop speaking to my OSO, I would probably listen. However, if its "because I said so" then thats not good enough for me.

Of course, this is coming from the OSO perspective. Yes, I know that most couples have a veto power of some kind, but, its my relationship, I should have a say so in it. For one person to be able to cut me off completly without me even being able to discuss anything shows a severe lack of communication skills.

[Lovers4U]

"My husband and I are fairly new to polyamory and each have seperate relationships outside of our marriage (not with another couple). A couple weeks back we were having a conversation about our OSOs. I'm not sure how the topic came up but I told my husband that, if he were to ask me to stop seeing my boyfriend, I would do that though I would be unhappy because my hubby is my primary. When I then asked this question in return of my husband in regards to his girlfriend, he said that he didn't think he would stop talking to her even if I asked him to. I was left upset and confused by his response and feel the dynamics of the relatiosnhips have changed without me knowing. Now, for the record, I don't think I would ever ask him to top seeing her but that isn't the point." QUOTE FROM UNREGISTERED GUEST.


Poly only works if everyone is honest and can be flexible when situations change. Sounds as if he is going to do what he wants no matter how you feel. I think it is time to do some serious talking!

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by StacyCat

If my primary partner had a very good reason for me to stop speaking to my OSO, I would probably listen. However, if its "because I said so" then thats not good enough for me.

Of course, this is coming from the OSO perspective. Yes, I know that most couples have a veto power of some kind, but, its my relationship, I should have a say so in it. For one person to be able to cut me off completly without me even being able to discuss anything shows a severe lack of communication skills.

We are not in any kind of poly arrangement of any kind, but naturally, I have thought about it, as we have communicated with a couple who was interested in that idea.

It does seem as though the traditional rules are different for poly's than the normal MF marriage, but I do sorta see this viewpoint as valid. I would think everyone should be involved in "The Talk".

It only makes sense in a relationship like that.

And where are the rules located for poly relationships anyway?

Male D

[Miss_Piggy]

As has been mentioned, poly works very differently for different people. My view of the ideal is one where all parties are free to voice their opinions/thoughts/concerns and each individual makes individual choices... with the other affected members and their feelings in mind. In a situation like the one you've described my hope would be that it would go something like. I tell my partner that I think his other relationship is destructive. I tell him why. He states his own opinions and we work towards some agreement. I fully agree that "because I said so" is not valid reason for asking your partner to give up someone they care about.

[Vjklander]

There's a lesson here: It's not a good idea to create a strawman and play with fire simultaneously.

[Lovers4U]

When my wife and I began to chose a poly life there were many issues we had to deal with to keep our relationship secure. We met a couple and though the wife and I were not compatible he and my wife began a long distance and intimate relationship. Issues arose and without honest communication and compromise there could have been disastrous results. He and I were alienated for some time. When I began to be aware he was respectful and caring for my wife, as I was, the deep anxiety "jealousy" ceased. With slow development of communication between him and me the friendship normalized and we have spent time together and I even help her get ready when she leaves to visit him.
To accept a poly life one must remember, as others have stated, that there is no correct one way to be poly. Variations abound as to how the dynamics work. I know some who don't even use the terms primary or secondary to categorize their relationship. All have equal say and input in decision making. As expected each must be willing to compromise. It appears that your husband feel that "It's my way or the highway" and if so it is probably time to, if he's willing, sit down and honestly communicate what is happening in your relationship. decide where to go next and if the demands or desires are remaining it may be better to decide on a different path for you or both if it can't be worked out. Poly doesn't mean an open "affair" without the SO's acceptance, or at least willingness to compromise. If the husband demands or continues not to respect your feelings, I feel this situation is just like an affair that you find out about and the decision becomes, do I leave or do I stay.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I told my husband that, if he were to ask me to stop seeing my boyfriend, I would do that though I would be unhappy because my hubby is my primary. When I then asked this question in return of my husband in regards to his girlfriend, he said that he didn't think he would stop talking to her even if I asked him to.

Okay. I don't know much about Poly and have no personal experience in it. And I'm just giving you MY personal opinion on how I would feel. But you are your husband's WIFE. Primary. You are his WIFE. If Jay were to tell me that he would not stop seeing any other woman even if I asked him to I would be absolutely hurt and confused and angry, and all kinds of other fun shit. I'm just being truthful. I'm not saying that the other wife is not important, I'm just saying that as the woman he took vows with I would expect that if I asked he would stop the relationship, as I would do for him. I don't know girl. Again, this is solely my personal opinion and I have no experience with Poly relationships.
Best of luck to you. Shelly

[catalina8591]

You might want also to try www.polymatchmaker.com and go to the forum called "Relationships". This is discussed in great detail in many different ways. I go back and forth between PMM and here for different insites on things.

[WesternSwing]

As far as how the conversation turned out? You asked a question with a predetermined answer in mind and you weren't prepared for any answer but that one. Without thinking through the possible answers before asking the question you kind of set yourself up.

But I see where you are coming from. There are as many ways to handle poly relationships as there are poly relationships and no two are ever alike. Mrs. WS and I have waded into the poly pool in the past and would be open to it again if it came-up. During this time she had her boyfriend but I was always the primary and he was the boyfriend. If I had asked her to stop seeing him and stop talking to him I believe she would have. There has never been a question in our minds as to who is going to be here in 30 years and who isn't. And and a good thing too. He has since moved-on and is getting married to an "available" woman.

That is how we would handle it, or at least how we've discussed we'd handle it.

Mr. WS