Light-Polyfidelity-Swinging???

[mandw2]

Originally Posted by TheDeal

You don't know how much it means to have others feel as you. Now, if ya'll all lived in or around Houston, Texas...

WE LIVE IN HOUSTON, well south Houston

My husband and I have often discussed how wonderful an arrangement like this would be. We put so much time into screening, chatting and meeting before we consider swinging with a couple or single, it would be nice to have a group of friends which everyone is comfortable with to have regular outings or get toghethers. I would have no problem letting my husband play with a group such as this, if I did not feel like it (horrors!!) or was out of town. I guess we all can continue to dream.

MandW

[TheDeal]

He-he! Are you guys on CT? There are many reasons I see this is a great way to swing. I must admit though, the biggest reason for me (yes, just me) is that I was never with many women prior to being married. I was the nice guy, best friend, geeky Band Freak! back in HS. By the time I was an adult; the influence of my women friends made it difficult to engage in casual sex. Yes, that sucked! I had this anti-macho-guy syndrome that made me become friends with women before I would even date them!

Now, I find myself in the Lifestyle where casual sex is the goal?!? WTF? I used to joke to my friends (about not trying to pickup every chick I met) that I really wanted to keep the amount of girls that saw me naked down to a minimum. Ya know, just incase all of them and myself were ever in the same room together. Funny, cause that actually happened right after I met my wife. That would be the problem with being friends before and after you date someone. At some point all of your friends (X-girlfriends) might actually meet you out, at the same place. Now, in the LS this would be a very good thing, but in the vanilla world...

So, bottom line; I still have not been with a large number of girls and I still don't like the idea of meeting someone, bedding them and moving on.

To us, it's more about the fantasy and less about the variety.

[wyandly]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

We'd love this too. Let us know if you figger it out ...

Dito

I think you can certainly find 5 fully compatible couples (amiablity and personality wise), but where you will find them is a totally different issue. One may be on the West Coast, another in New England, another in the Great Lakes Region, and one living outside the country altogether.

[TheDeal]

I know this idea really takes some of the vanilla rules such as friends first, commitment and loyalty, and tries to make them apply in the LS. I think as more people become aware of the LS and are open to it, there will be more of an opportunity to have something like this. Most people can only fantasize about being lost in a group of 4 or more. I know I used to, but given my life experience, it is not realistic for me at 39 yrs to take the risks of having ever-changing partners. I love the idea of being able to please two women at the same time, or the reverse. Even being with someone else while in my wife is with the others partner sounds great. I just want to be able to remember the people I am with. I can't imagine being with sooo many that I can't recall the individual stories or events. Not to mention having friends where you can help each person live out a fantasy? Too fun!

[tomcat07]

It seems everyone is talking about a light-poly-swing (LPS) situation as a couple. My wife and I have discussed the possibility of LPS relationships but with her having her friends/lovers and me having mine. Trying to get two couples that all find the the others spouse attrative is difficult. Trying with more couples is even more difficult. I think having individual LPS relationships would be easier.

tomcat07 in St. Louis

[Mrgomer]

At one time we discussed doing this.
We also came close to it.
The problem is a few people become the "desirable ones" or most liked etc.
Then problems come up.
Sickness/distance/that time of the month/kids/personalities and many other things also come into play.
It's hard to line up 4 personalities let alone more than that.

It's a really fun idea, but is very hard to bring into reality.

Good luck, MRG

[TheDeal]

Wow, although allot of people seem to like the idea, few think it could work. The roadblocks I thought I would find such as, couples that want close friends with benefits, but don't want to limit themselves, or couples that just want as many different couples as possible have not been as prevalent a problem. The biggest issue seems to be finding 4 people that are all equally attracted to each other. That one really sucks! My wife and I want to do this together, not one taking one for the team. My wife is very attractive, both inside and out. One of my fears is us getting with a couple and the wife is just "willing" to play with me because she and her SO like my wife. I have always had a hangup on feeling attractive to the opposite sex. I have been told many times that I am, but if I do not feel like the other side is interested, then I will not play. Jeez, it's like I'm single again.

Oops, sorry for the rant there!

[WesternSwing]

We kind of did a year or so ago, but nobody in the group was bound to stay inside the group. But we all became great friends and had allot of great sex together. One couple moved away, but the rest remain, and if all goes well we'll be seeing them tomorrow night.

Mr. WS

[TheDeal]

UPDATE!!! There's a couple we've known for ten years. They are our age, kids are same age, etc.. We had always been close friends, except for the last year where we kinda drifted away. We began the LS research and they were doing they're thing. Every time I would go to thier house for the kids to visit, the female half of our friends would drop little hints; like she knew there was something going on... It would scare the crap out of me every time, until one day I spilled.

They didn't judge us, they supported us, even showing an interest in the whole subject area. Like in this thread we told them what our real goal was. We still had not really played with anyone. Well, what do ya know it's now about three months later and we (both couples) are becoming a poly foursome. Coming together sexually was the most natural thing any of us have experienced. We all four have personal issues like any person does, but WOW!!! It is incredible. I can honestly say; we love the two of them as our best friends and now lovers. It's not the same as I feel for my wife, but it is a deep relationship that has many aspects of normal relationships.

Thank you guys for all the comments.

[dayhiker]

TheDeal,
Tnanks for sharing. Always good to read about a success like that.
dayhiker

[cubnamy1995]

We would love the same thing, but it does seem very hard to do. We were very fortunate in meeting another couple that we really clicked with straight out of the gate, but that level of intimacy and trust is hard to find in 2 people, let alone ten.

We're calling it a work in progress.

[TheDeal]

When we got into this a year ago; our feeling was to try and meet a couple to form a tight friendship. We wanted to make the play exclusive for both physical and emotional safety. Up until recently however, we had all but dropped the exclusive part as for most "swingers" it's not about more people all at once, but more and different partners as you go.

Even when our long time friends found out what we had been investigating and then were interested in the same things; we still did not think of playing with them. I guess it's a huge risk we are all taking by playing together when we have been so very close for so long. I worry if it were to ever end if we would all still be friends. Ya know, like in the vanilla world; when you are sleeping with someone can you really ever go backwards?

I will say however, right now it's unbelievable!!! I could only imagen how much fun and how comfortable we all are. The whole sexual part seems so natural that we are all shocked at how normal it all feels. From the lack of any jealousy to the ability to crack jokes while in play; it's just like we have been together doing it for years.

[pervgeeks]

Originally Posted by TheDeal

He-he! Are you guys on CT? There are many reasons I see this is a great way to swing. I must admit though, the biggest reason for me (yes, just me) is that I was never with many women prior to being married. I was the nice guy, best friend, geeky Band Freak! back in HS. By the time I was an adult; the influence of my women friends made it difficult to engage in casual sex. Yes, that sucked! I had this anti-macho-guy syndrome that made me become friends with women before I would even date them!

Now, I find myself in the Lifestyle where casual sex is the goal?!? WTF? I used to joke to my friends (about not trying to pickup every chick I met) that I really wanted to keep the amount of girls that saw me naked down to a minimum. Ya know, just incase all of them and myself were ever in the same room together. Funny, cause that actually happened right after I met my wife. That would be the problem with being friends before and after you date someone. At some point all of your friends (X-girlfriends) might actually meet you out, at the same place. Now, in the LS this would be a very good thing, but in the vanilla world...

So, bottom line; I still have not been with a large number of girls and I still don't like the idea of meeting someone, bedding them and moving on.

To us, it's more about the fantasy and less about the variety.

We're in CT LOL! You sound exactly like my husband- personality, attitude, everything. We're softswap, I'm bi and have found parties just haven't been our thing. No one has hit us in a more cerebral way and I seem to get hit on by lots of men (which is fine, but obviously a fullswap couple where the woman is strait isn't our best match), but we're looking for a more female-focused experience. My husband says it's difficult for him to feel good about himself if our experience isn't with people we can connect with on another level. In other words, if they wouldn't be the kind of people we'd consider dating if single, it feels like we're just using them and that's just not us. Maybe that's "amateurish" of us, but it's a comfort level we seem to need. Him even more so than me.

I've had a lot more luck on sites just emailing then talking to other married women in the same boat as me and making the arrangements.

[The Fuse]

Just a few quick thoughts:

I'm not one for strict definitions, but usually "poly" is short for "polyamorous", meaning there is love involved. What the OP and others have described, a group of friends who trust each other and are very comfortable, doesn't sound like it gets to the poly level of feeling. Just my little nitpick for the evening. No offense meant.

I agree that something like this group arrangement would be difficult to achieve, at least on purpose. The best I think any one couple can do is introduce their playmates to each other, having discussed the possibility of having this kind of arrangement, and hope they like each other. We can also ask to meet the friends of our friends.

If a group does get going, I think it's best not to require folks to stay "committed" to the group. I anticipate that would be just asking for trouble. Another poster mentioned that in their group, at least one couple committed to the group and then "cheated" on them. I think people should just be honest with each other. We can't stop people from doing what they're going to do; we should just make our decisions about who we ultimately want to be with and who we don't, based on their behavior and mutual attraction.

If there are more than three couples involved, it's natural that some people will want to play in certain combinations more than others. (Actually, if there are more than two people involved, that probably holds ) Some people will just have chemistry with some group members and not others. As long as there's not a huge inequality involved, and no one is getting shunted aside, I think it's best not to keep score.

Expect that little jealousies will emerge. When we introduce our friends to others, I am always concerned that they'll like each other more than they do us, and then we'll be standing there watching while we lose them both. It's natural for people to be very excited about "the new kid in town". I've been jealous before. When I've overcome these feelings, the key has been feeling secure that my playmates will still want to be with me.

I can't say we've developed a group yet, but maybe in the future. I think if we were too focused on that, we'd be setting ourselves up for disappointment.

[TheDeal]

If you had asked me prior to our current situation; I would have agreed about the validity of using the word "poly" to describe the aspect of a friendship-only based relationship. Now however, I do feel that poly-fidelity is an accurate description. We truly love this couple we have known for a long time. We love them as friends plus. This was true prior to any sexuality between us. Would I consider my feelings for the female the same as for my wife? Not at all, and maybe that is why I wouldn't call it full blown polyamory. I do think however, there is an understanding that is developing between us four that sets the stage for what is truly shared between the group and what is for spouses only. The interesting part will be how far this actually goes. Everyone involved is intelligent, rational, and already open to the others criticisms. It's hard to find folks who that honest with themselves in the vanilla world. That, I guess, is the one variable that makes it difficult to predict the final outcome. I could see where this could become something that would allow for an almost communal type of arrangement, while both couples would still retain the individuality of their relationship.

I do know that having four type A personalities is a recipe for both incredible fun and disasters..