Love...to tell or not to tell

[MRandMRS]

Yesterday, I told my husband that I'm in love with another man. It was so hard because I think it hurt him a little...though he took it pretty well. The other man is the male part of the couple we've been "dating" for months now. I have not told him or his wife that I love him. I have told his wife that "I can see how I could easily fall in love."

His wife is insecure and jealous of everything, yet has feelings (w/ my husband) invested too deeply to just turn and run away. All I know is it will be at least 4 weeks before we see either of them again. 4 weeks? I'm a selfish baby...how can I survive 4 weeks? I guess I should just be thankful that everything's not ending.

So when do I tell the other couple that I'm in love? Ever? Do I just keep it to myself? I'm not sure the feelings are returned...so that makes it especially difficult.

Poly is not for the weak.
MRS

[avid]

Originally Posted by MRandMRS

Poly is not for the weak.
MRS

It sure isn't.

I hear that you're feeling a lot of things. Good for you for talking to your husband FIRST.

The thing is, you may not be on a level playing field here. If the other couple is not looking for the type of relationship you are, you're destined to be badly hurt.

Somehow, you need to open up the dialogue. It's not poly if you're not all on the same page.

[blondie77]

I agree with avid. If the other couple isn't looking for a poly relationship, you're bound to be hurt by your confession. I'm a little confused as to what you hope to gain by telling the other couple that you're in love the husband. Do you hope to have an exclusive relationship with the other man, while maintaining your current relationship? What about the other wife? Where does she fit in? Do you want to leave your husband for this other guy? If you and your husband are looking for a couple to have a poly relationship with, then great and I wish you all luck. But when you mentioned that your husband was hurt when you told him you loved this other man, I got the feeling that you are just swinging with this couple. I'm not really sure what to tell you, but I do know that if you're not on the same page as this other couple, then I would think twice before telling them something that could hurt their marriage. Keep us informed...I'm interested in how this will work out. Good luck.

[MRandMRS]

After talking with my husband, he claims he is not hurt by my confession.

We have had an exclusive relationship with this couple for a number of months now. It's clear that we have more than a basic swinger relationship. No one will be leaving their spouse for the other partner... that's not why we're in this, and I have no intention of breaking up two families.

The wife and I are good friends/lovers but I have been unable to concentrate on our portion of the relationship because I feel that much of what I say is interpreted incorrectly, so I've been avoiding her lately. I did end up telling her that I'm falling in love with her husband because I felt it's something she needed to know so she can make informed decisions about where the relationship is headed. She already suspected it anyway, so me telling her and being honest helped, I think.

[avid]

Thanks for the update, Mrs. I've been thinking about your situation.

So, what are your plans now? What was the other wife's reaction to your confession?

[MRandMRS]

The plan is to try to make everything work as best we can since we're all invested to various degrees. It's pretty clear that no one wants to end the relationship. For the first time, we almost have a visitation schedule worked out to see eachother at regular intervals.

[prettylady]

A shining example of how a bad situation was made good through simple communication.
I can imagine that broaching this subject was not all that simple, but it seems that it is all working out for the best.
All my best wishes to all four of you
Your friend,
Prettylady

[TheDeal]

So, does everyone else feel they are heading the same direction? Does the other husband feel the reverse? Also, have ya'll discussed what to do if everyone loves everyone?

[WesternSwing]

I agree with prettylady, in a situation like this open, honest communication can go a long way toward resolution, whatever that may be. Just rest assure whatever it is will be for the best.

About a year-and-a-half ago I knew Mr. WS was in love with a single guy we know, but I never said anything, and neither did she. But is was evident in that they talked everyday on the phone - never hidden from me, in fact allot in my presence even. She always asked me if she could go "see" him or go to lunch with him. He was my friend as well and took good care of my family as I was traveling quite a bit for business during these months.

It all came to a head though when he fell for another woman and broke it off with Mrs. WS... sexually at least. She cried for days. And still hasn't fully forgiven him although we still see him quite often since we are still friends. There just isn't any "play" between us anymore. And once in awhile the bitterness she feels from being "dumped" still comes through.

It was a strange time though since because I love her I hated to see her hurt, thus I consoled her as her best friend. She was confused because she didn't know why it even mattered since she has me and what we have is so much more than what she and him had. We worked through it all. I didn't have any issue with it.

It was then that we found that we are more open to a poly situation than we ever would have thought. Although we are not looking for one, if it came up again we would not be opposed to it or frightened of it.

The best action though it to be open with your spouse and with them, then let the cards fall where they may.

Mr. WS

[MRandMRS]

Originally Posted by TheDeal

So, does everyone else feel they are heading the same direction? Does the other husband feel the reverse? Also, have ya'll discussed what to do if everyone loves everyone?

I have not actually told the other husband that I love him, but he's not stupid and I'm sure he can figure it out since I've pretty much admitted my feelings using other words. The other husband does NOT feel the reverse... He's basically said he can never love me. He does have "strong feelings" for me and I think that "strong feelings" for him is basically love, but he has reserved that particular word for his wife and child only...and that's ok, I suppose, since he acts lovingly toward me.

We haven't had my long discussions of the future or anything. We're all trying to make it past the current drama and insecurities first.

[TheDeal]

Thank you for the response! That is an interesting predicament to be in. I know for myself I fear a similar situation might arise for us. We are new and have not had even one real experience, but the way I am wired lends itself to strong emotional feelings where sex is involved. I am one of those rare guys who grew up thinking sex was a symptom or result of love. I know, everyone is saying; "then what in the hell are ya doin here?!?". Well, I am not a closed minded person and I consider myself to be a fair intellectual regardless of my inability to write. Uh, I'm a talker he-he! The way we are pursuing the lifestyle, however is due in part to my need for knowing the person well prior to any physical intimacy. Ha! I still have this idea that I want to keep the number of people who see me naked down to a minimum. Hmm... Sexual morality in the Swinging Lifestyle? Oxymoron? I must say that I do not consider my desires regarding the path to play as morals. It just feels awkward any other way.

[MRandMRS]

Originally Posted by MRandMRS

We haven't had my long discussions of the future or anything. We're all trying to make it past the current drama and insecurities first.

Having said that...I realize I should also mention that we are working through the issues with a long-term mindset. Knowing we need to address things and work out problems now if there's any hope for the future of our relationship.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by MRandMRS

Having said that...I realize I should also mention that we are working through the issues with a long-term mindset. Knowing we need to address things and work out problems now if there's any hope for the future of our relationship.

For us that is the key in our relationship. We look at everything from the long haul stand point. Not just what the effects are in the here and now but what will the impact be 1 yr, 10 yrs & 30+ yrs from now.

I think it is imperative that you view it long term if you are going to succeed long term.

The Other Mrs. Ménage
:Three:

[JP51]

The "love" word can come back to harm in the long term. I for one never like to use that word "love" without a full understanding of it's meaning. In our ploy relationship it has caused problems when all partners are not on the same sheet of music, like they are now. Our ploy relationship has fallen apart because of the use of that word, and other things like we were just not ready as a group for this deep relationship. We remain friends but at a distance for now. My two cents, go slow and talk it out as a group, not one on one, things get misunderstood when passed on vs. first hand.