Drama, drama, drama. Help!

[nomyth]

Its interesting. All the major/local poly boards, on Yahoo for instance, seem dead or irrelevant. Here we have swingersboard with more poly's than the rest put together.

So let this serve as an intro. We have been poly for 7 years, since back when she was my boss's wife. Well, now she's my wife (yes, I lost him as a friend in the exchange), and we're still poly, at least in theory. It seems all the problems that he dealt with, as the primary, I now get to handle.

Anytime someone gets a divorce, and moreso in a poly divorce, there are emotional repercussions (as well as financial, legal, familial, but I digress). So we've been married 3 years, and she is... conflicted. Being poly, open, was one of the first principles of our relationship. Things seemed to change with the divorce.

To make a long story short, I'm beginning to suspect that she sought to open her first marriage as a way out. As a result, she fears (on a very primal level) that I will do the same. At the same time, she refuses to give up the goal of polyamoury, though she eschews swinging. She wants to wait for the right male partner to miraculously appear. She says she wants me to "go have fun", but then feels threatened by nearly anyone I am with. I have made the mistake of being unknowingly pushy, or assuming we both had the same feelings/goals, wtih disastrous results. I am more wary of late.

I don't really like to air dirty laundry before strangers, and I hope I don't come across polemical. We love eachother, and work very hard at all this, but the impasse seems unrelenting and convoluted. I am hoping that those of you who have had similar emotions, problems, relationships, etc. can give me some insight. Feel free to poke holes in my veiwpoint, or ask for more specifics/background (there's always more to the story).

Thanx!

[WesternSwing]

Welcome to the Board, nomyth!

I have found it interesting that many in the poly community we have met shun us because we are technically swingers and to them that is wrong. They are doing the same thing in reality, but to them adding the dimension of "feelings" for the other person makes it all respectable.

I can understand developing those feelings, but to say that swinging is wrong an polyamory is just baffles me.

It sounds to me like she really is still just feeling-out the whole situation now. She isn't really quite sure of where she fits into the whole thing. Especially after the divorce. And yes, one bitten, twice shy. She is probably a bit insecure about your current situation being what happened before. Really, what assurance does she have that you won't develop for another woman the exact feelings she developed for you, and thus leave her?

There is none. You can only do it day-to-day and trust in your spouse.

Both of you might want to take a step back from the whole poly/swinger lifestyle right now and just concentrate on building your relationship without any other distractions. Once the foundation there is solid, and she feels on more solid ground, than you can wade back in.

If it was me, that's what I'd do.

Mr. WS

[JustAskJulie]

I think what you are dealing with isn't so much about being poly but about any relationship that starts during another relationship. You take two people and one of them is with someone else (or both are) and they leave that someone else to be with let's say you. Isn't there always going to be a fear (for one or both of them) that if they left someone else for me then might they not also leave me for someone else?

[Menage_a_Trois]

and to the board.

We have to agree with what is being said so far. We are a little confused by your description of your relationship both before and after your divorce,... you stated that you have been poly for 7 years, we take it that she and your boss were the primary relationship and you were the secondary and that at some point she decided that she wanted to be in a primary relationship with you. Some questions we have are.... Were there any other secondary relationships involved with this group? Along with that were you involved with anyone else while you were involved with this couple? We are also wondering what " the problems" are that he dealt with and now you seem to think you have to deal with are? We are curious what you mean by “she refuses to give up the goal of polyamory, though she eschews swinging”? It seems from how you worded things that you two are definitely not on the same page about things and we get the impression that you have pushed the point of having or being poly and that she is saying yes, but that is NOT what she really feels. And if that is that is the case then naturally she would feel insecure.

The Menage's

[HappyPeople]

It sounds to me that you're both wishing that you both were on the same page and timeline. Usually, women take more time selecting a partner than men do. Perhaps you are considering people faster than she is and it isn't setting right with her.

Also, being poly isn't the same as being a swinger although the two lines do cross for some. Some polys are swingers and some are not.

I suggest figuring out what you both really want (poly, swinging, or poly and swinging) and work with it from there.