Arguments in a triad

[TNT]

How in the world do you handle an argument between 2 of the 3 without the third becoming involved? If the third does become involved, doesn't one inevitably feel ganged up on? Just thoughts going through my head.

Ted

[WesternSwing]

I think that would be very difficult, and very sensitive. I would think the primary partner could become especially sensitive if the argument was between their spouse and the third. Not to mention, how does the third stay at arms-length when the primary couple is arguing?

Mr. WS

[avid]

We've had a fair bit of experience with this, and we're all just trying to make it work.

I'm the first to admit that I'm not always reasonable - sometimes I'm grouchy, irritable or whiny. My husband, who has the benefit of experience with me, and because of the fact that he's just such a low key guy, can let it slide. He knows I'll be over it VERY quickly, I always am.

My partner, on the other hand, who has known me for 14 months instead of 13 years, hasn't quite learned all my foibles. If I'm being unreasonable with hubby, he'll often call me on my attitude, and he'll side with hubby. It kind of throws me for a loop, because hubby and I know that it's not worth even discussing. My partner is very sensitive, because of past experience, to bickering, and he seems to have a very low tolerance for it. I have to try to be on my best behaviour!

Now, my partner and I have challenges with communication styles, so it's interesting that hubby often takes the role of "counsellor" in my relationship with my partner.

Hubby and I don't "fight" very often, but when we do, it tends to be quite big. I can probably count on one hand the number of fights we've had in our time together. Unfortunately, we had a big one on a weekend when the 3 of us were staying in a hotel. My husband and I were totally embroiled, and were giving each other the silent treatment, and my poor partner was SO uncomfortable. Happy to say though, by the time breakfast rolled around, we had worked through a good part of it. In the end, I think it was good that my partner saw us work through a problem, so that he knows that our relationship is very solid, and he can count on us.

I think what keeps us going is knowing that these are all just bumps in the road, and as we learn to communicate better, things get smoother.

[DJTriad]

I normally stay out of my partner's arguments and let them work it out on their own unless the other person is way out of line and is being unreasonable. Once I step in, that person feels ganged up on, it all depends on that partner's emotional state at the time. I can either bring him or her back to their senses, or I can make it worse. It's really all about communication, and knowing when to back off when things get heated. Once everyone's cooled off, the person that was wrong to begin with realizes his or her mistake and apologizes.

[KenRachel]

It all depends upon the level of things. In minor disagreements, sometimes the 3rd can provide a "moderating" voice. Sometime the third can knock both the others over the head when they start talking past one another.

Of course there are those times that both gang up on the thrid. But that tends to be for more "minor" stuff. Being the pivot in the V of our realtionship, I get to see P&R ganging up quite a bit on me.

Ken

[Menage_a_Trois]

I guess we are fairly lucky in that we have few what I would call arguments. Mrs. Ménage and I (The Other Mrs. Ménage) are more prone to our "moments" of female insanity lol but we get through it by talking about what in life is bothering us. So far we (the two girls) have yet to have a disagreement/argument, but we do tend to let loose on poor Mr. Ménage occasionally. We are all very fortunate in that we really see ourselves as a team and work really hard at remembering that we are all on the "same" team and to not work against the team by undermining each other with negative talk or comments about one or the other.

Mr. Ménage is the underlying calming waters for us as he is very easy to talk to and can rationalize things for us when our hormones have hit overdrive. When there have been discussions that have progressed to disagreements we all get involved because for us - it all affects each of us. We view it as having a mediator on hand at all times! A real bonus in our eyes.

The Other Mrs. Ménage

[jon0468]

first off, I just need to say, lol, because I see so much of my life here. I have known my wife 18 years, she has known her oso (other significant other) a little more than a year. She brings her issues with him to me all the time, and I play counselor, lol. I don't use it as a time to get on her better side or to get a "one up" on him; actually, I end up there anyways by helping her and pointing out the things she can't see due to emotional involvement. And I have found from her, that when she has griped to him about me on occasion, that he has also defended me and played counselor as well. What I think it comes down to, is that when you have multiple people that genuinely care about each other, it's not an issue, they communicate and work through it. He and I even have discussions about her and her moods, lol. We get along very well, he and I, she and I, she and he, the three of us together. Like I said in my intro, this is all very new to me(all 3 of us really), but it's so far being a very enjoyable time. It's nice to have more than just one to share your love with.

[Orchid]

It has been so nice to read this post. I'm sort of on the verge of a triad(does that make sense?) and while there haven't been any arguments between the three of us there have been times that I have taken my issues with one SO to the other. And like jon0468 said, the other significant other always defends the other and helps me see both sides, even when I really don't want to,lol. Communication is always very important between all members. It is very nice to be so very loved!

Orchid