Polyamourous Relationships

[OhioCouple]

I have done quite a bit of reading on this, but I am still so confused as to what it means. Each site that I have been to seems to conflict the others.

I am curious as to what others see as a polymourous relationship and if it is part of their swinging lifestyle or not.

Lori

[SwingerSet]

Well as club owners we have had to decide is Poly groups are or are not swingers? Here are my thoughts on this, Yes they are swingers, at our Parties we allow them but with a few rules as to their conduct. If they are a ffm couple they are treated as a couple and a single female however they must arrive and leave together. If they are a mmf they are treated as a couple and must act that way. Yes i know that this is a double standard but that is the way that the people who atened our parties want it we don't allow single males at all, by request of the guests and members.

J.J.

[OhioCouple]

This is where I get completely confused. Does a "poly" relationship in affect mean that you are commited to each other? For instance if a couple has a preferred person or couple that they swing with, do they not do anything without the others knowledge or presence? Kinda like a marital commitment?

The whole concept confuses me and I've not found anything yet that sheds light on the subject as every web site I have been to seems to be much different.

Lori

[SwingerSet]

Lori, all i can do is report on what we have seen and talked to others about. Its my understanding that a poly relationship is one Very like marrage, where all parties involved are commited to each other, both on the physical and mental level's. Now a twist to this is the swinging poly, they would have to be commited on the emotional and mental stage but as with all swingers the physical sexual stage is open. As i said before we do allow poly's to attend our parties, but they are treated as a couple would be and we watch for posers with a mmf thing.

J.J.

[imsnowman]

How many of these poly groups do you have attending?
How do you determine that they are a commited grouping?
Do they get any action? Seems like it might be awkward for most couples to mix imto a MMF triad.

[imsnowman]

When we first looked into multiple loving "Poly" was the first type we came across. We looked into it for several years and attended one of the Poly conferences.

We've found as many variations in the "rules" that different polys have as there are people involved. Blended families, commune living, triads, "moreads". You think it, its been done. The common thread is at least an emotional commitment. This is how most of them diferentiate themselves from mere swingers. For them its not about sex its about love and family and "good" stuff.

If a group of people identify as Poly than most of them are quite adamant that the sex is secondary. This is done primarily to ingratiate themselves with the larger society which sees love as better than sex. They see love as a higher good.

If one confronts them about this attitude one must be prepared to be insulted mightly.

The conference was a very loving and warm event as opposed to the Lifestyle convention which was exciting and erotic. The conference seminar subjects tended to be soul-searching type events with a rather poorly done STD session. By contrast, the convention seminar subjects were more down-to-earth with an excellent STD session.

I don't imagine this really cleared it up. It's fairly confusing even to the participants. They do a lot of processing". It seemed like more work than we wanted so we've gradually came around to friendly swinging.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by imsnowman

I don't imagine this really cleared it up. It's fairly confusing even to the participants. They do a lot of processing". It seemed like more work than we wanted so we've gradually came around to friendly swinging.

I truly appreciate every one trying to clear this up for me. But I am now more confused than ever.

Here is the scenario, and this is not something that involves our personal lives, it is just that, a scenario.

Two couples (or a couple and a single) meet together. Build a relationship both internal and external. They enjoy each others company and an expectation is that they spend "X" amount of time together . One or more (perhaps all) in the relationship would not consider playing outside of their group without the approval of the others. Is that a *poly* relationship? Or is it just swingers that are being courteous to all involved by letting the others know that they are playing with someone outside of the *group*, therefore they are swingers not Poly's?

I just cannot grasp this concept. Where as we choose to only play with people that we have built a relationship with both in and out of the bedroom, we don't have a "love" type relationship that bonds us to being sexually and emotionally united. But yet we would never do anything to bring harm to them, physically or emotionally. So are we "Poly wannabe's?" but really don't want to be since there is no true love involved?

Lori

[RnKin Fla]

Lori,

This is K. All I can tell you about are my personal experiences.

I've had one poly relationship, where I was the second "F" in a triad. The three of us were all committed to each other, shared a home and a bed, raised the couple's children together. I loved both of them, and they loved me. The kids called me "auntie K," but I was treated more as a second mom, right down to disciplining them and getting goodnight kisses.

We would occasionally swing with other couples too, but mostly we functioned just like a normal married couple, just with three partners. This was perfect for both L (the other "F") and I since we are both bisexual. And A seemed to be deliriously happy most of the time.

This lasted nearly a year before they decided to move to Michigan. Having no desire to move away from Calif. and my family, at that point, I decided to stay. Seeing them leave nearly ripped my heart out. I think having them leave was harder than when I got divorced from my first husband.

R and I have had one "almost" poly relationship, and we would be willing to explore that further with the right person.

The woman we had begun developing a poly relationship with was a good friend before we started swinging with her, and things progressed further once we welcomed her into our bed. I think we would have gone through with our plans to bring her wholly into our relationship had she not developed a SERIOUS drug problem.

I hope these illustrations help, Lori!

K

[JustAskJulie]

I think it's all about semantics. If you consider yourself Poly you are. Kinda like swinging. Some people say that if you only swing with singles you aren't really swinging or if you only soft-swing you aren't a swinger... blah blah.... it varies from person to person.

Initially I was under the impression that the difference between being a poly and being a swinger was that poly's didn't swing - they had their set lovers that they were in a "monogamous" relationship with and didn't stray from those (however many there may be). But my opinions have changed some as I have learned more.

I do think that poly comes down to a loving/comitted relationship between 3 or more people. Some poly's swing, some don't. Not all swingers are poly and not all poly's are swingers but you can be both evidently. A lot of swingers only swing with one couple at a time but that doesn't mean that they are "poly". They wouldn't say that they love that person/couple as they do their spouse. I think that's where the real difference lies.

[swing-set]

Hi.

I have to agree with Julie here. I think being poly means all sorts of things to all sorts of people. Here's a link to the alt.polyamory definition, but that's pretty loose, as it should be.

My wife are in a relationship that could be best described as "love each other dearly, but also encourage each other to do whatever makes them feel happy and whole, including physical or romantic relationships with others, as long as everyone is completely open and honest." So everyone is on the same page, and it's technically a poly relationship, I guess, since we have our primary relationship (with each other) and zero to more secondary relationships, but we're not stereotypically poly in the sense that we're all one big family. Generally, she does her thing and I do mine when we're separate, and while it's fine to meet the other person's secondary partner(s), it's not a goal.

Just my $.02.

S

[imsnowman]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
I just cannot grasp this concept. Where as we choose to only play with people that we have built a relationship with both in and out of the bedroom, we don't have a "love" type relationship that bonds us to being sexually and emotionally united. But yet we would never do anything to bring harm to them, physically or emotionally. So are we "Poly wannabe's?" but really don't want to be since there is no true love involved?

The key concept is inside the word itself "Poly---amorous" ie multiple "loves". If the people feel love is involved then they have a polyamorous relationship.

Some Polys believe in polyfidelity: sexual fidelity within the agreed upon group. Some don't.

The key is the emotional commitment ie "Love".

Since this is not a concept embraced by the larger society there isn't a common definition that one can turn to like "marriage". It is as Julie said

If you consider yourself Poly you are.

Ohiohcouple, you're grouping sounds like it has the potential to be poly. But, it sounds like you don't want the further emotional commitment. You don't want to say to people in conversation that you love couple XY. Most polys would probably not consider it a poly relationship until you're able to say Love.

BTW, in most instances these relationships can be quite short. One of the more prominent couples in poly (they were on one of the daily talk shows and even had one of their encounters with another couple filmed "G" rated) stayed with that couple for only 3 months.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
I think it's all about semantics. If you consider yourself Poly you are. Kinda like swinging. Some people say that if you only swing with singles you aren't really swinging or if you only soft-swing you aren't a swinger... blah blah.... it varies from person to person.

I am going to have to go with this theory here and basically leave it there. I will have to assume that it is sorta like the bi-sexual titles and so if anyone ever tells us that they are a poly, then we will just have to ask..."Just what kind of poly are you"?

OMGoodness, this whole thing just confuses the heck out of me, but no less confusing than the bi-sexual titles.

Lori ~ A socially respectfull and tolerant poly in the right situation... I dunno.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by imsnowman

Ohiohcouple, you're grouping sounds like it has the potential to be poly. But, it sounds like you don't want the further emotional commitment. You don't want to say to people in conversation that you love couple XY. Most polys would probably not consider it a poly relationship until you're able to say Love.

This is where I become so confused. Perhpas I am just confusing my ownself.

Love has very different meanings (at least the way I know it.) For instance, I love to take my dog for a walk. I love to kick back and read a good book or watch a movie. I have a love for all mankind, therefore I try to be considerate to everyone I meet. I love to spend time with my children and grandchildren.

I love the time we spend with our friends, both straight or swingers, but I do not LOVE any of them as I do my husband.

Each and every love that I have is emotional for me and heartfelt, but there are varying degrees. If *love* is the key factor here, then how do you define love? There isn't anything that I probably would not do for a stranger that I will do for my on flesh and blood. (I am not talking about sex here).

I guess for me that sex is just that, a pleasurable experience to be enjoyed by all parties. My husband and I make love which is much different than the sex we enjoy with parties that we love to be around.

Lori

[imsnowman]

Originally posted by OhioCouple: This is where I become so confused. Perhpas I am just confusing my ownself.

I think you are. Just think of loving more than one person with a Love-of-spouse-type love.
Read through RnKin Fla's post. Think about the implications of those kinds of feelings for the couple that you are closest to in your current friendly way.

Originally posted by RnKin Fla: Seeing them leave nearly ripped my heart out.

Would you have this kind of feeling if they left? If not, you're probably not polyamorous. If it would then you probably are with this couple.

[OhioCouple]

Thanks "K" and "imsnowman",

I think I have a little better understanding of the definition. Although I care about the friends we have made, I do not think my heart would be ripped out if they had to move away or decided that they didn't want to be with us any longer.

I would be saddened for sure, but not devestsated.

Although I am a very giving and loving person in many respects, I don't think I would have enough in me to love some one else in the same respect that I do my husband. That is where the difference lies.

Lori