Polyamourous Relationships

[swing-set]

I generally just tell people I'm in an "open relationship" and let it go from there. I've found that a few rounds of questioning and some time spent with the other person generally brings them to a closer understanding of who I am (and who my wife is) than using the word "poly" off the bat, since it's pretty loaded. Though perhaps if there person were an established poly, that would be different.

[JustAskJulie]

I was looking through some old posts and found this topic dealing with Polyamory:

polyAmory

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
I was looking through some old posts and found this topic dealing with Polyamory:

polyAmory

I wonder how I missed this when I did all my initial reading throughout the site? I suppose I was more concerned with the ins and outs of new swingers. The one thing I did discover by reading through this thread was that there are as many people such as myself that are just as confused.

I didn't want to get to specific before, but here is the deal. Perhaps it will shed some better light on my confusion.

There is a couple who have openly declared that they are "in love" with another couple. (Not like, enjoy or care about but IN LOVE.) They have decided to see each exclusively. but will not live together. This declaration came in the form of an "engagement/commitment" type of announcement.

Now that had to be one of the strangest things I have ever witnessed in my life. (Just when I thought I was beyond being shockable.) They exchanged rings with each other and some passionate kisses between all. Raised a toast to each other and then partied the night away.

A brief bio; they are all well spoken, have good jobs, attractive and in the 30-40 age bracket. Both couples have been active swingers for several years with different couples, and now they will have their kids become nieces and nephews to the opposite couple.

Now is that an example of a poly relationship?

Please note, I am not judging them, I just didn't realize that "swingers" per se do the "fall in love" bit. I wouldn't have been nearly as confused had it been one or the other falling for each other but the group thing stunned me.

Lori ~ The constanly confused one.

[imsnowman]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
There is a couple who have openly declared that they are "in love" with another couple. (Not like, enjoy or care about but IN LOVE.) They have decided to see each exclusively. but will not live together. This declaration came in the form of an "engagement/commitment" type of announcement.
Now that had to be one of the strangest things I have ever witnessed in my life. (Just when I thought I was beyond being shockable.) They exchanged rings with each other and some passionate kisses between all. Raised a toast to each other and then partied the night away.
A brief bio; they are all well spoken, have good jobs, attractive and in the 30-40 age bracket. Both couples have been active swingers for several years with different couples, and now they will have their kids become nieces and nephews to the opposite couple.

This is IMO clearly a polyamorous relationship and would be accepted by most other self-professed polys as such. The "commitment" to an extended relationship is the key.

There may be difficulties in getting their kids to really accept becoming nieces and nephews to the opposite couple. However, the obvious advantage to me is that they have at least some of the variety that swingers have and it will significantly reduce (assuming honesty) the danger of STD's. The disadvantage is limited variety and of course all of the attendant problems that very close emotional relationships bring.

Wish them luck for me. Thanks.

[OhioCouple]

My husband wonders why I keep going on about this, but dang it I want to understand.

About 20 years ago (long before I knew about swinging or anything about sex outside of marriage that was acceptable) there was a couple that I knew and the F half of the couple confided to me that her husbands sister was a lesbian (not bi-sexual at all) and that with her husband's consent they (the two females) had an onging relationship. He loved to watch, but didn't care if he wasn't there if they were having fun. To the best of my knowledge there was no incest involved.

To be honest here, I had a mild bi-sexual experience with the F half of the couple, who tried to get me interested in joining with her sister in law also. The whole idea petrified me.

About 5 years ago, I ran into the F half and discovered through talking with her that the sister had bought a home next door to them and that the relationship is still there. (The couple now have 3 children and their relationship is strong).

So what kind of relationship is this? Years ago this disturbed me and I kinda kept my distance. But after all I have learned in the last couple of years, I am not as critical as I was then. Would this be a sort of poly/swinging relationship since they are all committed or accepting of each other?

Lori

Well, if this helps any. Me and my wife had brought another woman into our life. she was kicked out by her husband. We had played together before and offered her a place to live. It started out as her sleeping on a matress on our floor, but eventually she moved into our bed and slept with us. We were both admittedly in love with her. And her, supposedly, with us. this lasted for about 3 months. We all shared a bed, house and everything. She did however end up with an outside boyfriend. I have to admit that it was quite awkward, but her response was that she always came home to us. That seemed to satisfy my ego, for lack of a better word. Until she ended up spending a couple nights with him in a hotel. More to the story was he was stepping out on his wife for their rendevous. Long story short. We ended up getting emotionally hurt by this woman. I still have fond memories of her and would love to see her again, but it will never happen. I would have to say that we were in a poly-relationship, at least in me and my wifes heart. We were being very faithful to her and let her know that. But she wanted a normal relationship again and moved on.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by sixgun8
this lasted for about 3 months. We all shared a bed, house and everything. She did however end up with an outside boyfriend.

This brings up another issue. For the most part regarding the poly-issues that I have read, these relationships do not last. From just the couple of people that have responded on here that have been in a poly-relationship theirs didn't last long either.

Why would someone want to put themselves in a situation to be that deeply hurt? Is it something that you just need at that time and period in your life? Are you just feeling the moment and going for it? Is it a way to kind of like getting you over the rough times?

I just don't understand it at all. Perhaps, because I don't give my inner most self to just anyone and when I do give it, I expect it to be forever. I don't expect them to trot off and forget that I exist or cut off contact. This is how I feel about all of my relationships in life, even non-sexual.

Lori

[yhungry]

Lori

Check out this site. It should answer some of your questions.

http://www.loveplay.com/polyreln.htm

Rich

[RnKin Fla]

Lori,

Here is my take on the poly relationship I had:

I was not in it just for me, and definitely not for the purpose of getting over some issue in my life. Falling in love with this couple, it just happened. We started out as friends, and I spent a lot of time with them, ended up sleeping with them, and thing progressed from there.

I definitely did not intend to have my heart broken. But as we all know from life experiences, anytime you fall in love with someone (or someoneS ), there is a risk.

I think because poly relationships are not as accepted by society, they tend to be a little less stable, and therefore don't last as long. This is not the case with all poly relationships, however.

I know one triad who have been together for over 6 years. They are unusual, I am sure. But it seems to work for them. Up until recently none of them were married to each other, but last year the man and one of the women got married. Mainly for health insurance purposes. As far as I know, the marriage has not affected the triad in any way, at least not that they have said.

Having been the unmarried F in a triad, I can tell you that when you are invited into a married couple's relationship, there is a kernel of insecurity that is hard to overcome. You constantly feel that the other F has more of a claim on the M. This is exacerbated when the couple has kids. But the insecurity can be dispelled. It just takes awhile. I think this insecurity was the reason I did not move with L & A.

I firmly believe that I learned a lot about myself, relationships, and interpersonal dynamics from the poly relationship I had. In spite of the fact that I ended up hurt, it was not a bad experience, and being in love is never a bad thing, in my book.

Does that make any sense?

K

[youngish56]

Just an opinion from a different angle -

are we swingers or are we polyamorous or are we somewhere in the middle ?

Some of us enjoy sex with other people, with our spouses approval/involvement. Some of us enjoy the non-sexual personal relationship with that person or those people. Some of us form loving relationships with other people and couples. So much diversity in trying to differentiate between a seperate definition for these two categories.

If there is any clear difference to be "labelled", I think it would be between the "swingers" who partake in sexual practices without emotional attachment AND the swingers who insist on emotional attraction/involvement to be sexual.

Does the requirement of emotional attraction make us NOT swingers ? Does it make us polyamorous ? By many's definition we are neither and both.

The commonality is we are attracted to sex with other couples. Trying to categorize or label our activities as "clinically this or that" is of no importatnce to our real lives.

Interesting topic with no real black and white answer.

Thanks Lori.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by RnKin Fla

Having been the unmarried F in a triad, I can tell you that when you are invited into a married couple's relationship, there is a kernel of insecurity that is hard to overcome. You constantly feel that the other F has more of a claim on the M. This is exacerbated when the couple has kids. But the insecurity can be dispelled. It just takes awhile. I think this insecurity was the reason I did not move with L & A.

I firmly believe that I learned a lot about myself, relationships, and interpersonal dynamics from the poly relationship I had. In spite of the fact that I ended up hurt, it was not a bad experience, and being in love is never a bad thing, in my book.

K,

Do you mind sharing how old you were in this poly relationship? Was it a first loving relationship? Was age maybe a factor for you? Also, since you weren't able to commit to moving and living out your life with them, was it really a poly relationship as opposed to being a *fling* for lack of better words?

Lori ~ Who lives in a state of confusion and who's husband keeps saying drop it...who cares.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by youngish56

If there is any clear difference to be "labelled", I think it would be between the "swingers" who partake in sexual practices without emotional attachment AND the swingers who insist on emotional attraction/involvement to be sexual.

Does the requirement of emotional attraction make us NOT swingers ? Does it make us polyamorous ? By many's definition we are neither and both.

The commonality is we are attracted to sex with other couples. Trying to categorize or label our activities as "clinically this or that" is of no importatnce to our real lives.

Interesting topic with no real black and white answer.

We are the type of swingers that need to have some sort of emotional/intellectual connection in order to be intimate with the other party.

I believe the reason this whole subject just confuses is me, is the fact that we are new to swinging, still learning and then we witness this *joining of two couples* at a swingers club.

I have been exposed to a lot of things in my lifetime that are not the *norm*. I had thought though, that I had a pretty good grasp on the swinging aspect as I have done a lot of research over the last couple of years. Apparently not enough.

My husband feels like it is a matter that needs no further discussion (even though he was as stunned as I was). He is black and white. I, Lori am grey.

Lori

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by yhungry
Lori

Check out this site. It should answer some of your questions.

http://www.loveplay.com/polyreln.htm

Rich

Thanks Rich,

Some of the links through this site are no longer operational, but I did find one that gave a whole other twist. Now there is polyfidelity another label dating from a 1995 article.

http://www.miscmedia.com/polyfi.html

From what I read in this article and two others, poly's are generally the same as swingers and do consider themselves as such. The general mindset of these *poly's* were that they did not want a committed relationship, in the sense of long term till death do you part, but more so wanted to be involved in a sexually commited relationship with select partners that they themselves chose to be with. Therefore the terminology/label of polyfidelity.

After all the reading and research I have done, I have come to these conclusions:

Poly ~ A true poly would be one that has three or more people who share everything (including being in love), but only with each other. Ie, home, finances and raising of children etc.

Polyfidelity ~ Where as three or more people share their lives together (not living together) in most aspects and are committed to each other within their group and do not stray from it without the consent or approval of the other parties. (Sexually speaking) This type of grouping also would include a personal friendship such as many may have with their best friends (non-swinger/poly). They love and care about each other, but are not *IN LOVE* with each other.

So my thinking is, the couples that I mentioned in an earlier post are *polyfidelity*.

Lori ~ Who has WAY too much time on her hands.

[TeamSoBe]

Wow, I'm sorry that I missed this one, I've been away on vacation all week.

Lori, I spent about a decade in various different poly relationships. I've actually never really had a relationship with anybody that was intended to be monogamous. I just wanted to comment on this:

For the most part regarding the poly-issues that I have read, these relationships do not last.

This is a pretty popular notion, and I can't really quote any statistics or anything but I don't think that I agree. My personal opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of friends is that poly relationships last about as long as any other relationship, it's just that they are much more rare than monogamous relationships, so the ones that last for long periods are extremely rare.

Think about how many people you have dated in your life. Some of the people that you have been with might have lasted for a few months, some may have lasted for a year or two, one or two might 'stick' for longer than that. It's the same thing with poly relationships.

I personally went though a series of triads ("triad" sounds pretty geeky so we normally just called ourselves "threesomes") and foursomes (poly nerds call them "quads") where a common thread through all of them was myself and a long-term girlfriend. We were together for a total of six years and we were involved in some kind of poly relationship or another for the entire time. Six years is an awfully long time. The longest 'stable' relationship that we had was with another bi girl, the three of us bought a house together and lived together for about three and a half years. It did end eventually, but not painfully. People tended to drift gently in and out of our lives, as opposed to the big explosive breakups that you see in most monogamous relationships.

One interesting thing is that my long-term girlfriend and I and most of our intimates looked down on swingers. We were always very quick to emphasize the difference between what we were doing and swinging, and we always considered swinging to be a completely different and inferior sort of thing. I obviously don't feel that way now.

The woman that I married has never been in any poly situation. She is very into swinging but she tries to be very careful to distance herself so that love isn't an issue. It's a new concept for me but I'm trying it on to see how it fits. I really doubt that it will stick though. Being poly is like being a swinger, it's hard to go back to the 'normal' way once you've experienced it. The joy that you get out of watching somebody that you love fall in love is unbelievable, it's the emotional equivalent of the erotic charge that you get out of watching them fuck somebody new. It's a far more powerful experience than anything that swinging has to offer.

[RnKin Fla]

Hi Lori!

No, I don't mind sharing. I was 24 at the time I had my poly relationship.

I don't think it was a fling. But I do think I did not have the emotinal maturity to commit myself and move away from my family like they wanted me to.

I'd been married once before (I got married for the first time at 18), so it was not my first loving relationship either.

My first husband and I had been into the swinger lifestyle, but he did not follow the ground rules we had set up, and cheated on me all the time. He also spent a lot of time tearing down my self-esteem. So, this relationship was probably partly a way for me to restore some of that lost self esteem too.

As so aptly illustrated by Team SoBe, I did not have an explosive breakup with this couple. It was a mutual parting of the ways, and I still think of them fondly.

Oh, and Lori, tell your husband that curiosity is a GOOD thing!

K