A question

I'm actually a registered user and frequent poster here. I'm posting anonymously for two reasons.
1.) I might be completely wrong about what I assume is happening.
2.) The people I'm talking about might read this board.
This way I can ask my question without making an ass of myself or hurting anybodies feelings.
Here's the thing. My wife and I have been getting to know some folks. they are 2 married couples. The first time we went out with them the couple we initially contacted asked us if we minded if another couple came along. That was fine. The more the merrier. The second time we went out with then the other couple came as well. Again it was fine because they are really nice people too. On that second meeting The guys started referring to the other ladies of the foursome as their second wives. The ladies talked the same way about the other guys as second husbands. We dismissed it at the time as just a joke.
Since then we have spent a fair amount of time with this group. They have introduced us to their children. Seeing the way they treat each other and each others children I have come to the conclusion that they are a poly group. I've been weighing the meaning of that and how much time they are asking us to spend with them and trying to decide what that means.
Last night my wife said to me "I think they really do have a group marriage and I think they are sizing us up to ask us to join them." I was pretty stunned that she had come to the same conclusion I had. Usually she's way smarter about social things than I am and I'm usually wrong about stuff like that.
We talked about it and came to the decision that we're not against the idea of polyamory, but we're just not sure how it would work. Until I saw these people together I had been convinced that it really couldn't work.
So here are the questions. Do you think we're reading the situation right? My first and greatest commitment will always be to my wife. What kind of commitment is usually involved in a poly relationship? My wife is doing some post graduate studies. While she has applied to several good programs in her field that are local there's always a chance that we'll have to relocate at least temporarily for her studies. Would it be fair to become involved in a poly relationship when we might have to spent as much as 18 months somewhere else?
We've never really even looked at poly relationships before. If it weren't for this great group of people we are becoming very fond of we probably never would have. Any thoughts on the subject would be very helpful.

[flirty]

You very well could be reading the signs correctly. The thing is that there are so many variations on how people handle poly, and varying degrees of attachment and sharing. The only way to know for sure is to ask the couples in question. I would say something like it seems that the four of you are very connected and make a great foursome, it has us curious about how you handle things and if you were thinking of including us in your group. If the answer is yes and they don't automatically explain what they are looking for or expecting, then just tell them that they appeared to have a very deep relationship and is appears to be a poly situation to you, and that poly is new to you and what would their expectations be. Share your concerns that you posted here.If they are people that are really going to click with you they should understand, better to ask up front then to get into something and find out that you are not what each other is looking for in my opinion.

[ShellyM]

Im my opinion your wife is dead on, I think they are a poly group and you are in the running to join. The only thing I can tell you friend is that you need to be straight up and honest. If you are not interested in this than I would straight out ask them. If you are, same thing......... that would completely clear the air and there would be no wondering either way.

[LikeMinds321]

Are these two couples swinging with other people? If I were in your shoes I'd want to know this. Maybe they aren't poly but have an agreement to swing with a closed group, that together they choose.

I feel there is a big difference between poly and closed swinging.

The other poly members (we aren't poly) should be able to address this.

Do you want to limit your swinging to only two couples? Have you even played with both of these couples?

LM

Edit: I just realized since you are posting this as unregistered, you won't be able to reply. If you could set up another account under a new name, you could reply.

[avid]

I don't know if I would necessarily assume anything with this group. If you were socializing with a swinging married couple that had a close, loving relationship, would you think that they were planning on adding you to their marriage?

We are beginning to swing as a triad, but we're not considering adding anyone to the relationship part of things. Geez, it's challenging enough with three of us!

I think the majority of the responses in this thread are saying the same thing, and I'd agree: communicate. Find out what their goals are, how they see you in the mix.

Sounds like you're having a good time socializing with them too, which is great. Enjoy.

[SouthBond]

We swing in a closed group. We swing with long term married couples. We would consider letting new couples into our group but have been very happy with three couples. We don't consider ourselves polygamist. We don't live as a family, refer to ourselves as a family, we don't share incomes, homes, cars, or cloths. We do recreationally share our spouses with each other. We all have similar educational backgrounds, careers, lifestyles and incomes. We click in a very adult open minded manner. We respect each other and at this very moment a very talented and beautiful wife of a very good friend of mine is giving me a BJ and I am going to have to pause for a few minutes to see how things come out.

[polyquestion]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Are these two couples swinging with other people? If I were in your shoes I'd want to know this. Maybe they aren't poly but have an agreement to swing with a closed group, that together they choose.

I feel there is a big difference between poly and closed swinging.

The other poly members (we aren't poly) should be able to address this.

Do you want to limit your swinging to only two couples? Have you even played with both of these couples?

LM

Edit: I just realized since you are posting this as unregistered, you won't be able to reply. If you could set up another account under a new name, you could reply .

Great idea LikeMinds,
Yes, we have played with both couples. Another sign in all this is that they are very strict about safe sex except with each other. One of the guys told me that there was a way to do away with all the safe sex precautions but they'd talk to us about that when the time came.

As far as limiting our swinging to just them, they don't. They are very willing to swing with anyone who catches their eye. They're just VERY careful about safe sex with anybody else.

We hadn't considered the idea of closed swinging, first because of all that second wife talk, and second, they are all very affectionate with each other.

The other thing that has us thinking poly more than anything is the fact that once they knew us they went out of their way to introduce us to their children. We've NEVER had lifestyle playmates deliberatly introduce us to their children. A few times it's happened accidentally. We see someone in a grocery store and stop to say hi and a kid popps up saying "mom, can we get this." Usually if we know a playmates children it's because we knew the family socially before playing with the parents.

[polyquestion]

Originally Posted by avid

I don't know if I would necessarily assume anything with this group. If you were socializing with a swinging married couple that had a close, loving relationship, would you think that they were planning on adding you to their marriage?

Generally no, when we date another married couple we assume they are swingers and there's no emotional attachment beyond simple friendship. However if that married couple started talking about keeping us as second husband and second wife and introducing us to their children to see how we got along, I'd really begin to wonder.

Originally Posted by avid

Sounds like you're having a good time socializing with them too, which is great. Enjoy.

We really are enjoying them. The two husbands are true stand up guys. I respect the way they treat their wives and children. I've been pleased with the respect and consideration they've shown my wife.
The two wives are both smart funny ladies who are great mothers to their children. They are also both physically adorable.
If they are considering us it would be a very fine offer. I just have no idea how to ask them what their intentions are without making it really awkward if we're wrong about it.
PQ

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by polyquestion

Great idea LikeMinds,
Yes, we have played with both couples. Another sign in all this is that they are very strict about safe sex except with each other. On of the guys told me that there was a way to do away with all the safe sex precautions but they'd talk to us about that when the time came.

As far as limiting our swinging to just them, they don't. They are very willing to swing with anyone who catches their eye. They're just VERY careful about safe sex with anybody else.

We hasn't considered the idea of closed swinging, first because of all that second wife talk, and second, they are all very affectionate with each other.

Their intentions may be very good and they are probably great folks, but I'm squirming reading this, and I'll explain why.

From what you've said, it feels like they are drawing you into their 'swing commune' without you knowing what's hitting you. They invite you to meet their children, socialize outside of swinging, talk about their "second wives" and "second husbands" and this: One of the guys told me that there was a way to do away with all the safe sex precautions but they'd talk to us about that when the time came; that sounds like a pitch from a slick salesman who's into pyramid scemes...they give you a little sample, hoping you'll beg for more and buy what they're selling.

Knowing that the one couple had the other couple tag alone on your first meet and also on the second, sounds like a strategy. It's like they're teaming up on you.

Even if they are good people, I don't think they are using a good - open - approach to swinging.

At this point you may feel guilty even thinking about droping them, or taking a break from them for a few months, but that would be my advise. Give it a breather, meet other couples, give yourself time to stand away from all that's been happening with these two couples.

Have you had experience with other swingers besides these two couples?

LM

P.S. And thank you for registering to reply.

[polyquestion]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Their intentions may be very good and they are probably great folks, but I'm squirming reading this, and I'll explain why.

From what you've said, it feels like they are drawing you into their 'swing commune' without you knowing what's hitting you. They invite you to meet their children, socialize outside of swinging, talk about their "second wives" and "second husbands" and this: One of the guys told me that there was a way to do away with all the safe sex precautions but they'd talk to us about that when the time came; that sounds like a pitch from a slick salesman who's into pyramid scemes...they give you a little sample, hoping you'll beg for more and buy what they're selling.

Knowing that the one couple had the other couple tag alone on your first meet and also on the second, sounds like a strategy. It's like they're teaming up on you.


Even if they are good people, I don't think they are using a good - open - approach to swinging.

At this point you may feel guilty even thinking about droping them, or taking a break from them for a few months, but that would be my advise. Give it a breather, meet other couples, give yourself time to stand away from all that's been happening with these two couples.

Have you had experience with other swingers besides these two couples?

LM

P.S. And thank you for registering to reply.

Yes, we have had a good amount of experience in the lifestyle. We have enough lifestyle friends that scheduling can be tough. We usually try to avoid weeknight dates because we have to sleep sometime and there's only so much time on the weekends.
As for the idea of drawing us in without us knowing, It seems to me that they really haven't done much except relax their "company manners" a bit as they've gotten more comfortable with us. As they've gotten comfortable with us the nature of their relationship doesn't really match what we're used to seeing from friends, or even lifestyle friends. It's our unsatisfied curiosity driving these posts far more than anything they're really doing. I wouldn't expect them to reveal all the details of their personal life all at once. I know I don't. When new friends ask me certain questions like "where do you work?' I give very vague answers until I feel like a know them well enough to trust them with that kind of information
As for the slick salesman pitch, there's a bit more to the story than that. The man who made that statement isn't a heavy drinker. He sips at a drink socially. There was a new couple at the party and he was trying to make them feel welcome and invited them to play a drinking game. They turned out to be dynamite card players and he spectactularly lost the game.
He paused to chat with us before staggering upstairs to retire for the night. It was then, with 4 shots of whiskey in him that he made that statement.
His wife looked a little annoyed and sent him off to bed. She sat us down and told us that while what he said was true, they'd have to spend a lot more time with us and have a few long talks before we could start talking about things like that. After that she changed the subject and the party went on.
If they ever did anything to make us uncomfortable we would have no trouble dropping them. Currently there are 2 couples we have played with in the past who we are being "consistently unavailable" for. One couple wasn't careful enough about safe sex for our taste so we are polite and friendly with them socially, but we politely turn down any invitation to play with them. The other couple we avoid because they are perfectly willing to gossip about playmates by name and say what they don't like about them. Gossiping about people is not ok with us so we stopped seeing them.

Thanks for sounding a warning LM. It's possible that you might have a point, but my sense of peoples character isn't wrong often. I'd worry about it more if there were financial oddities involved. I watched carefully for that. From what I've seen the two couples maintain seperate finances and split the cost of things they do as a group.

[ShellyM]

I have a question, and please forgive me if I seem to hijack the thread.
Just when does a swinging relationship take the curve and become a poly relationship? I am not too familiar with poly, but we know alot of swinging couples who are monogomous to one couple. They consider themselves to be swingers, but I consider that to be poly.

[polyquestion]

Originally Posted by ShellyM

I have a question, and please forgive me if I seem to hijack the thread.
Just when does a swinging relationship take the curve and become a poly relationship? I am not too familiar with poly, but we know alot of swinging couples who are monogomous to one couple. They consider themselves to be swingers, but I consider that to be poly.

You're not hijacking the thread at all. That's a big part of the question I'm asking. Our relationship with these people started as just a swinging relationship. The only thing that was odd about was 3 couples on dates instead of 2.

We've been around a few curves getting to know our friends. I'm wondering if that particular curve is coming up.

[LikeMinds321]

polyquestion ~

Thank you for replying to my post so completely. I now have a much better feel for you and your situation and am confident that you will have no trouble deciding what to do.

Let us know how things develop and what you learn. It will help all of us.

LM

[StacyCat]

Why dont you ask them? Have the actually made references to calling you "second husband/wife?" If it was me, and I was happy with how the friendship/relationshp/swinging/whatever was going, why mess it up with asking questions?

It could just be friendship/swinging that interests them, and not necessarily a poly type relationship. I swing with some friends that I know their children, and while considered "part of the family" its not a poly relationship.

[polyquestion]

My wife finally had a chance to go to a quiet lunch with one of the ladies of the group. She asked her. The whole "second wife" thing is just a long running joke. While they are all very good friends they don't really consider themselves poly.
The whole safe sex thing boils down to this, They have a an agreement between them that they will be super strict about safe sex with everyone else but set it aside among themselves if everyone gets tested several times a year. The four of them like us enough that they have talked about offering us membership in their little club.
Now I just can't decide whether to be relieved or disappointed