Talking about each other's relationships

[Miss_Piggy]

Let's say A and B are married.
X and Y are also married.
Both couples have started up a loving polyamourous relationship together.
A and Y are in love. B and X are in love. They're all straight so this is as far as the loving goes (beyond friend love).

Now, A and Y are having problems (as all loving relationships sometimes do). Can A talk to B, his wife, about those problems? On the one hand he may want to because he and B are so close and they talk about just about everything... but on the other hand it sort of pulls B into the problem... putting her in a position to take sides...
And what about Y, will Y feel compromised if her problems are being discussed but others?

I guess what I'm getting at is that in my mind when things are troubled I want to talk to the people I love. In a 2 person relationship I would probably talk to my friends about the problem... but what if you're not open about your poly status you can't really turn to your friends... who do you talk to? Is it okay to talk to the other partner?

What about if things are flipped? IS the situation the same if A and B are having problems.... can A talk to Y about it?

[wifes_sex_slave]

I think that might cause some issues.

We want to play with other couples and have fun. We love the socializing and perhaps even making longtime friendships, having said that... I don't think that I would want any of OUR dirty laundry aired to our "playmates" for a few reasons.

If you are going to play with a couple and all seems well, you and your partner are going to have a great time. But if you know a couple is having problems with their relationship, you would not want to potentially spoil your fun or get caught in a very uncomfortable situation (not to mention the spontaneous blame). I know it may sound selfish, but think about it in the aspect of being in a club and knowing there is a miserable couple there - I think most people would "play through".

I suppose if your playmates have become very close friends and you can trust that your issues are not going to go anywhere past them - I see nothing wrong with getting advice on a problem you may have, but again you have to be careful of having someone taking "sides" on the issue.

[dozzydolly]

I thought I'd contribute my off the cuff thoughts.

We were involved in a quad situation much like yours. At different times I have found myself on all the different sides of the equation in your story (we all did). It is such a catch 22. Open communication is very helpful and necessary. How can you keep someone out of the loop, and really why would you? In the end (if you are at all like we were), everyone is going to be well aware of the dynamics in the group. They probably already are. However, trying to juggle the feelings of so many people was so hard for me that I think it is one of the major reasons I am hesitant to enter a similar relationship again.

One of the advantages in poly relatiionships is that there are more people to help measure and weigh situations. When it is just us, the two of us can get caught up in who is being more rational, what feelings are justified, etc. With more people to weigh in, perception can be a little clearer. We're going to need a therapist if we don't start dating again (ha ha).

I wish the four of you well. Managing the dynamics of a quad can be quite the balancing act. Stay positive, focus on everyone's strengths and give each other lots of loving support.

[JP51]

frankly, I would think A and Y should work out the issues they are having. That said., in a poly relationship I would have no trouble trouble talking to Y's partner first. The primary partner of Y may have an understanding of an issue that Y has not surfaced to A; it does happen. I feel that in a poly 4 way, open communication is important. The males and females have have to have a relationship that allows the males or the females to communicate openly as part of the relationship.

I do think the post by WSS missed this as a poly issue. If we were having issues with a "play" couple...time to move on comes to mind as the outcome. Poly involves love and that is a whole diffrent ball game.

[avid]

I think it would be very helpful to talk to my partner's other partner about issues we are having in our relationship. What better person to understand and offer insight?

This, of course, is predicated on the idea that all communication will be open, honest, respectful, and non-blaming. That is a challenge, because sometimes it's hard to take the high road. When you consider, though, that this is a loving, committed, relationship, you want to give it all you've got to keep things running smoothly, and growing.

In my situation, I'm in love with two men. My first partner is my husband of 11 years. He is a man who understands me heart and soul, and often knows my motivation for things long before I do. No one has ever supported me as much as he does. Sometimes he shocks me with the depth of his love and understanding.

I have been with my other partner for 1 year. There is no doubt that he loves me, and wants to be with me for a very long time. None of us are looking for a fling, we want the real thing.

That being said, we are dealing with a long-distance relationship, a start-up business, his history of not-so-healthy relationships, and his other partner who may not have what it takes to be in a polyamorous relationship. LOTS of challenges. Add to that, we just don't communicate the same way. I deal in the realm of feelings and spontaneity, and he lives with logic and structure. Whew.

We work very hard to keep our relationship growing and healthy. Interestingly, and perhaps crazily, our biggest support in our relationship is my husband. He often works as a translator to help each of us understand what the other is saying. When my partner and I are struggling to understand each other, the first thing I want to do is grab my husband to sit down and talk to us!

There aren't many rule books in our situation, but mutual respect and communication have to be part of it. We're in this together, and I can't imagine leaving one person out of the loop when we're faced with a challenge.

[Menage_a_Trois]

For us we feel communication is the most important ingredient next to love in a poly relationship. Without both as the pillars for the foundation it becomes difficult for the relationship to continue to be nutured and grow. We find it helpful to be able to sound things off the neutral party in our relationship. It's paramont that the other person be neutral and unbias in their responses. We work very hard not to point fingers or pass blame but to reach the root of the problems and find a cure.

For us it's been wonderful having three, there is always someone to be a sounding board for concerns and ideas, also to vent our frustrations to and who helps to put things back into prospective.

The Menage's

[flirty]

For me totally open communication between all partners is vital, and I would prefer to have open communication with the partners of my partners. I find that talking about a problem often helps me to see the other side, and talking to my partner about an issue I am having with another one of my partners helps to ground me, to see where I might not be behaving my best either.

[Edison Carter]

Can you tell us what the heck the problem is in the first place ?
--susan here