In Swinger Hell

[MRandMRS]

MR and I are rather new to swinging, meaning that we just started maybe 6-8 weeks ago and I am starting to feel crazy. I have no one else to talk to, so I am here hoping someone can talk some sense into me.

We have this couple who wanted to be with us exclusively. We said ok. After 6 weeks of being together several times a week, I am starting to have feelings. It's horrible! I don't think he has them back, at least nothing more than a friend. I wish we could be one big happy poly puddle, but I get the impression they aren't up for that. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't want to ruin what we have, and hope that I can just buck it up and get my feelings in check.

Am feeling lost, confused, and alone.
MRS

Mrs.,

I am not an expert by anymeans but MrVan and I have been in the lifestyle since January. The feelings that you are having for the other spouse; have you talked this over with your husband? Being new to the lifestyle, I personally would not have become so exclusive with another couple so soon. Everyone has their preference and maybe because you are only being with this couple, it is making the feelings more stronger because you are around them more.

I would advise you to talk with your husband about the feelings you are having because in this lifestyle, communication is EXTREMELY important. I think some of the feelings for you may be the excitement of the lifestyle. If you are finding that you cannot get over these feelings, then I would say for you and your husband to stop seeing this other couple and close off your communication for a while. If you feel you are not wanting to act on these feelings and do not want to cause problems with your husband, then you need to stop and think about the 2 of you first and foremost.

You have come to the right place when it comes to advise cause everyone will give you the advise that you need to help with your situation, but you have to take that advise and use what has been given.

Good luck and let us know how things turn out for you.

MrsVan

[northindycpl]

Mrs,

What kind of feelings are you feeling for this other couple? The reason I ask is that I can honestly say that over time I have had feelings of compassion, infatuation maybe for couples we have played with- One in particular comes to mind and it was both of them that I enjoyed. I think it is perfectly acceptable and normal. Especially when you consider that this is your first time at this, plus it sounds like you spend a lot of time with them.


Part of the excitement for me is the newness and the infatuation part. I like to feel that basic connection. Now it pales in comparrison to anything that I feel for Mr. Indy, but I still have those feelings nonetheless, sometimes.

What I think you should do is to spend a bit less time with them and add others into your circle of friends. Also, talk to your husband about all of this.

I think you should really examine the feelings you are having... are they just excitement at newness and bliss, or is there something more and if there is something more then I think you guys should discuss it and back off a bit.

I don't personally think this is something uncommon and I do believe that it is worked through over time and more exerience.

[JTcamp05]

I would think that you should have some feelings.......why is that a problem.


We usually have feelings for people we sleep with...or we wouldn't be sleeping with them. Is it you don't feel your feelings are returned?

Mabye you are not as compatale as you had hoped for. It is hard to find a couple who is looking for the same thing you are. It seams as if you can never get everyone on the same page.

We recently went through this..... a couple we were with for a few months, everything was great...untill one member of the group didn't feel they wished to continue. It sure is easier to find people to have sex with then have a relationship with...

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by MRandMRS

MR and I are rather new to swinging, meaning that we just started maybe 6-8 weeks ago and I am starting to feel crazy. I have no one else to talk to, so I am here hoping someone can talk some sense into me.

We have this couple who wanted to be with us exclusively. We said ok. After 6 weeks of being together several times a week, I am starting to have feelings. It's horrible! I don't think he has them back, at least nothing more than a friend. I wish we could be one big happy poly puddle, but I get the impression they aren't up for that. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't want to ruin what we have, and hope that I can just buck it up and get my feelings in check.

Am feeling lost, confused, and alone.
MRS

Mrs.,
You are not alone girl, this happens. There recently was a post about something like this. Feelings are feelings, and its good that you are recognizing them. What would I do, in all honesty? If I really felt like I was starting to have feelings for a swing partner that feel like "love" i would immediately end the relationship. Seriously. Now, there is a normal excitement people talk about getting before they play, and playing with a new partner is always new and exciting. But if you feel like you are falling for this guy or lady I personally would end the relationship.
But, thats jmo.

Let me clarify really quick: I am understanding you to feel like you are falling in love with him....this is what I am basing my answer on. Lust in my opinion is normal. That is what I like about it, that little hint of lust that makes those butterflies in your belly.

[Chris&Suzanne]

I am assuming this is your first experience in swinging, is it theirs as well. It seems that several times a week for the last 6 weeks could be excessive for your first time. Have you and your husband had any chance at all to be alone again. Try backing off to every other weekend or something. I guess you'll have to figure out how to tell the other couple you want to do it not so often.

[Rsdelites]

Mrs....Your first swinging experience is amazing. Your filled with lots of feelings that you may not be expecting. We always talk about how intense it was for us..we jumped in with both feet & had a blast. We have found tho, that you can have too much time together. Talk to the other couple, explain those feelings & let them know how much you enjoy them, but also explain you need to back off to have a proper perspective. There is a big difference between love & lust..and when your in such an intense situation like that where you don't have time for you & hubby to talk it can become overwhelming. We wish the best for you!! Good Luck!!

[Alura]

One of the more common challenges for beginning swingers is to develop the abliity to separate sex from love, Mrs. Many people, women in particular, grow up with the attitude that sex, when you're in love, is okay but wrong if you're not. When you were single, did you sometimes have sex with an attractive man just because you wanted top get laid? If so, you have experience with the attitude you need to swing.

Love, however, is a state of mind which can be changed. One technique I've used in the past with women I didn't care to become close to was to concentrate on habits they had that irked me. If you can't zero in on something about the guy that bothers you, you may have a more serious problem than you realize.

To solve this problem, you need to sort out your feelings and deal with them with your husband. Don't try to do it by yourself.

Mr. Alura

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by Alura

... One technique I've used in the past with women I didn't care to become close to was to concentrate on habits they had that irked me. If you can't zero in on something about the guy that bothers you, you may have a more serious problem than you realize.

Well said, and so true.

When we visit a great new vacation spot, we always fall in love with the locale and talk about putting our home on the market. The grass may seem greener, but it probably isn't...think harder and be realistic.

[nomyth]

eh... this notion of these feelings being a problem... IS the problem. Why can't you have feelings for two men? Why should that be a threat to anyone? Please don't quell it. Just stay grounded, and enjoy the NRE.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by nomyth

eh... this notion of these feelings being a problem... IS the problem. Why can't you have feelings for two men? Why should that be a threat to anyone? Please don't quell it. Just stay grounded, and enjoy the NRE.

The feelings wouldn't be a problem (as Mrs. stated) if she didn't have to worry that this would complicate and ultimately ruin what they already had.

Originally Posted by MRanMRS

I wish we could be one big happy poly puddle, but I get the impression they aren't up for that.

Mr. intuition and I are poly-friendly, but we just don't have any desire to add that dimension to our relationship at this point. So we understand that there's nothing wrong with feelings of attachment like the ones described by MRS. But they're damned inconvenient in her case.

MRS., my only advice is to first talk to your husband about these feelings (he should always be the first to know) and then find a way to gently and inoffensively bring this up to the other couple. A bit like saying, "There's something that's come up that we wanted to talk to you two about. As you know MR. and I are polyamorous, so I guess this doesn't surprise us. We've been spending a lot of time together, and also because of the exclusiveness of our relationship, it appears that I (MRS.) have been developing some feelings toward [other guy] that I'm not comfortable keeping to myself." You can let them know that there is no expectation there, and that these feelings aren't a problem for you (you're not going to turn into a stalker or anything), but out of respect for them and their relationship, you wanted to keep them apprised of such a development. Be prepared to be told that they are uncomfortable playing with you now. Both halves of the couple may find that threatening. But while you may have lost your playmates, you will have retained them as friends (likely). At the very least, you should have their respect and thanks for your frankness.

Now that I think about it, sitting down and discussing it so formally might be pretty odd, but if you can find a way to bring it up in your conversations with them and express yourself in that way that would be a good idea. You might try being matter of fact about it. As in, "Of course I've developed feelings for [other guy]. He's a great guy, after all. How could I not? But I understand that you two are not open to polyamory in the same way that MR. and I are." I guess this might be the better tack if you feel that your feelings for the other guy are under control. If you see these feelings building and eventually interfering with existing relationships, I'd suggest being more direct about it.

[carlos_pchot]

Hello there, I think most people have told you what to expect and what to do about it, and there's a recent thread that also has the same theme, like most people I agree that you have to back up a little, spend more time with your couple, and don't be exclusive, it's normal that you have a good feeling with another man or woman, but that doesn't mean it's a problem, if you know how to handle it.
Take care, best luck
Carlos

[avid]

I would really like to get an update on this situation, but I'm not sure we're going to.

The OP hasn't posted in more than 2 months, so she may not be around any more.

It's really hard when the expectations between people (whether between couples or individuals) aren't the same on each side of the equation. Sometimes a little distance gives perspective, and sometimes you find yourself changing your views on the world more than you ever imagined possible.

If you had told me just over two years ago that I would be deeply in love with two men, I would have called you crazy.

Go figure.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by avid

If you had told me just over two years ago that I would be deeply in love with two men, I would have called you crazy.

Go figure.

Dito on this............if someone had told me I would be in a relationship with a married couple, living together and loving them both I would have never believed it.........possibilities! The world if just full of them if you open yourselves up to them................

The Other Mrs. Menage

[sereneiders]

I'ts interesting that the OP posted this in the Poliamory & Swinging section, that she expressed her desire to turn this relationship into a polyamoral one but she's affraid of the reaction since the other couple doesn't seems to be in the same page... and yet, she is being adviced against pursuing a loving relationship by swingers who are openly against polyamory!

Well.. back to the OP. We're poly-friendly and we already had an explicit poly relationship with a grilfriend.

Yep, you'd be asking, why he said "explicit"? We also have this couple we use to chat with almost every day with (they're in another city), we meet once or twice a month, often we have sex, and if we don't, we hang up togheter and we enjoy it anyway. They know we're poly friendly, and about our poly experience, they say they're not poly-friendly, even when they had a couple of arrangements with other women that I would describe pretty much as polyamory. We both love these guys and wouldn't care to say it's a poly relationship to some degree because we all know and agree "we're frieds and we cannot figure out what should have to happen to spoil our friendship, having sex or not involved", but the word "poly" makes them freak out. Anyway, at some point I dared to tell them my impression about this difference in the way each couple perceive the relationship, that I am ok with this, and they told they're ok too.

My point is... you may love these people and get confident they want to spend time with you, accept this as a gift and enjoy it, without having to ask them to explicitly and formaly commit themselves in a poly relationship. You may talk to them as well, but bear in mind that even when they could be feeling the same for you, they may be calling those feelings some other way, or just not wanting to talk about those feelings because of being affraid of threatening their relationship as a couple... and they have the right to choose they confort level inside this relationship without necesarily meeting the same confort level you need.

Then, the question would be... why do you require to be reasured about their feelings the same way you'd express yours?