Share your story: How did you get started?

[MRandMRS]

I'm very eager to hear your stories--
When did you first realize you were in (or headed toward) a poly relationship? Did you start out as swingers?

MRS

[Lady Yes]

I think I knew I wasn't "normal" when my fiance in college "cheated" on me by having sex with another woman. I knew I was "supposed to be" upset by this, and I guess I did a credible job of it, but my heart wasn't in it. I wondered at that time (all of 19 years old, mind you) if it was just that I didn't love the guy like I thought I did. It wasn't until a year or so later that I began to get to the truth of it.

I was expecting our first child when my husband (another man, not the one I was just talking about) confessed to me his attraction to another woman. We'd tried hard to base our marriage on honesty, and so even though I was as big as a whale and feeling anything but attractive, we talked it out and decided to "open" our marriage. We didn't have the word "polyamory" then (this was 1983), we were just trying to do the best we could for each other. We'd read Heinlein's fictional works that included these kinds of polymorphous, open relationships and found them intriguing -- could we do the same?

Well no. That was overly idealistic, as it turns out. The number of people capable of functioning at that level of heart-openness are vanishingly small -- and neither my first husband nor I always lived up to our highest ideals, I must confess. We just kept trying, right up to the point where we couldn't be together anymore.

It wasn't polyamory that ended my first marriage, though poly always shows where the cracks in any relationship are located. My second marriage was predicated on polyamory from the beginning and has remained so to this day, even though we're more interested in "friends with benefits" than long-term romances -- this feels more like "swinging" to us, though I realize that not all swingers feel comfortable forming these kinds of friendships...

Anyway, that's the short version of how it all started out for me. I think I'd enjoy moving more and more away from the labels for these things, if I could find others who were interested in doing the same...

[sereneiders]

I guess we were "poly friendly" from the scratch, and way long before even thinking of swinging.

We've allways think the question "who do you love the most, pinapple or light bomb?" doesn't make sense, that a ruler isn't enough to measure love, and we've been very respectfull for each other feelings, and to respect and embrance the love each one of us may feel towards anyone else.

As for me, this mean, I am happy by enjoying what my wife have to offer to me, and I don't need to compare it with what she may be oferring to other people. At least for as long as it fulfills my needs, and since it does, well... everithing is fine.

We've always said "ok, if you have a crush on someone and want to get laid, go ahead, just, avoid telling me something you know could hurt me... because if you do, the more likely is that you wouldn't be doing that TO YOU, but TO ME". In the other hand, and even when having this permission granted, I didn't mess around, nor she did (as far as I know). We supposed (perhpas from the culture and education) that KNOWING about this would be likely to hurt us.

When we started swinging, we realized that knowing didn't hurt, at all. We felt happy to actually know the other was enjoying it and being pleased. In the other hand, the idea of avoiding developing feelings while swinging, even when sound as an advice to avoid unwanted drama, didn't properly fit in our previous mindset (nor we feel affraid of such a drama, meaning we knew anything would be able to damage our bond).

Then we swung with this woman, she tured out to be a great friend and we started hanging up togheter, or even doing things between any two of us without a third one present (including having sex), we all felt ok, we talked a lot about this and we started openly extressing our feelings without any deal, nor any drama.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Well, we all three met via the swing lifestyle. That first evening of meeting wasn’t your ordinary meeting. There was unmistakable instant chemistry between the three of us. We were old soles being finally reconnected. As for knowing right away, Mr. & Mrs. Ménage felt pretty strong there was a good chance the Other Mrs. Ménage could be the one. The friendship developed quickly into a relationship of much more than friendship. But it didn’t really take any one of us long to realize that this relationship was a special gift and we have always embraced it as such.

[UCONN Keith]

Originally Posted by Lady Yes

My second marriage was predicated on polyamory from the beginning and has remained so to this day, even though we're more interested in "friends with benefits" than long-term romances -- this feels more like "swinging" to us, though I realize that not all swingers feel comfortable forming these kinds of friendships...

Yes, I agree! In my experience, there are VERY FEW (if any at all) swingers who are comfortable or willing to form such a relationship. That is why I always try to use the phrase, "Poly oriented" or "Poly-like". To sort of demonstrate that it may not necessarily bea totally commited relationship as I might have with my primary yet it is a much deeper, lasting friendship/lover I seek.

Your correct about the labels. Maybe we should come up with ideas to describe it better - even though we would creat yet another label. At least people similar to us (Poly/Swing mixes ) could be better defined.

Thanks for your post! Great!

Keith

[UCONN Keith]

Don't forget, "Polly" the parrot can "Swing" as well!

[Cowgirl]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

That first evening of meeting wasn’t your ordinary meeting. There was unmistakable instant chemistry between the three of us. We were old soles being finally reconnected. The friendship developed quickly into a relationship of much more than friendship. But it didn’t really take any one of us long to realize that this relationship was a special gift.

This quote really applies to our Poly relationship as well. The term "Whirlwind Romance" comes to mind. All 4 of us are so blown away by how fast we have gotten into this relationship. The "unmistakable instant chemistry" is undeniable and we are all trying to make sense of it. No complaints though! Just trying to figure out how it happened!

[Cowgirl]

This will be a long story, but here goes. Cowboy and I have been together for21 years in a wonderful, loving, commited relationship. Neither of us had ever been with anyone else. Last year, we started talking about how neither of us had a chance to "sow our wild oats". We would never cheat on each other, but we both thought it would be fun to experiment with others. Swinging seemed like the way to do it. We researched and found the Desire resort in Cancun. We thought Desire sounded like the perfect place to "try out" swinging, in a low pressure, non-threatning environment. To get out feet wet and see if we liked it. Also, being out of the country and away from anyone we might know seemed like a good idea. We live in a VERY conservative area, and we know that we have to be very discreet to keep from hurting our careers. We also live far away from big cities, so getting together with other like minded folks will be hard. We tried to book a trip to Desire in 05, but it didn't work out. We kept talking about swinging, fantasizing about it while making love, both hoping we would find a way to make it happen. In spring 06, I was on a travel board trying to win a trip to Desire. The more posts you put on, the better your chances. One of the people also trying to win a trip was JP51. (more about the contest later) I learned a lot about his personality while reading everyone's posts. I never thought I would meet anyone from this group. I wasn't looking for potential swing partners at all. While other people on the group were busy flaming each other, JP51 was posting about his experiences traveling the world, so we often responded to each other's posts about places we had traveled. He was open-minded, intelligent, polite and funny, just like my SO! He talked about how they swing with only 3 couples that they know well. In one post, he mentioned the nudist resort they attend. I sent him a private email to get more info and we chatted a couple of times about the nudist resort. In June, he forwarded info about a live band the resort was having. I told Cowboy that I wanted to go to the resort for my birthday present. (Even-though we had never been to a nudist resort) We had never met JP51, but we figured it would be fun to hang out at the nudist resort, and meet him and his wife. Our rules ahead of time were "no hanky panky at all". We found a sitter and drove to the resort. We clicked right away with JP51 and his beautiful wife. We had a Great time spending the day nude. The live band was wonderful. It was the first time my So and I had gone dancing since college. (We don't live anywhere near NightLife!) We both had fun dancing with the other couple. But that is as far as it went. They went home to their house and we went to a hotel. Back home, we started posting back and forth, all of us learning about each other and trying to plan another get together. 3 weeks later, we went to the resort again, and all 4 of us looked in each other's eyes and that was it. Eventhough my SO and I had NEVER been with anyone else, we jumped in feet first. Wow. I can't belive that we managed to do that the second time we met, but everyone was very happy. It has been full steam ahead since then, with all of us getting together as often as we can fit it into our schedules. Sometimes only 3 of us at a time, when one partner couldn't make it. And it is way more than sex. All 4 of us have feelings for everyone in the group. We all have so much in common, it is almost spooky. We have a level of comfort with each other that normally comes from knowing someone a long time. I don't know how, but I guess it was meant to be. It's been only 4 months since the day of our First face to face meeting. But it seems like we have known each other much longer. We were all a bit freaked about bringing up the word "love" because that is not what Swinging is supposed to be about, but none of us could deny the feelings. So now we are headed to Desire together. My So and I actually booked the trip before we met JP51 and his wife. Then THEY WON the trip to Desire (How cool is that!!) and quickly booked the same week as us. Did I mention that everything has just falllen into place! Now we will have 5 days with no kids, no schedules and we can all relax and play. It will be so wonderful! I can't belive that we found such an amazing couple the first time we tried swinging. And then, we jumped past swinging and landed in a Poly relationship. Talk about wild. I still can't believe this has all happend and happened so fast. Which is why it is great to find a Poly board where we can talk about this. Can't wait to hear from all of you! Thanks for listening!

[JP51]

Dito could not have said it better. Less than 30 days until Desire

Glad your posting and getting feedback from other on the fourm, I have found them helpful and a wonderful group!

See you see and talk to you guys sooner for sure!

[mstabbikat]

This is my first post. I have been here for awhile and read many other posts. I was most pleased when the Poly Forum was created. My husband and I got involved in swinging about a year and a half ago. We were one of those looking for more than just sex. We were looking for other people to have as friends as well as lovers. Well for us, we found more than we could have ever hoped for. Neither of us had ever heard of polyamory. We did find a wonderful group of friends, but as unbelievable bonus we now have new family members. There are 2 other couples we have become extremely close with and we all consider ourselves family. We don't all live under the same roof at this time, but who knows what the future might bring. We are much closer with one of the couples and the 4 of us refer to each other as husbands & wives. I now look back over my life and can see the signs leading me to where I am today. At this time I don't know what I would do without my new family, they have stood by my husband and I through some very tough times lately. They have never wavered in their love for us and we have all become closer.

tabbi

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by mstabbikat

This is my first post. I have been here for awhile and read many other posts. I was most pleased when the Poly Forum was created. My husband and I got involved in swinging about a year and a half ago. We were one of those looking for more than just sex. We were looking for other people to have as friends as well as lovers. Well for us, we found more than we could have ever hoped for. Neither of us had ever heard of polyamory. We did find a wonderful group of friends, but as unbelievable bonus we now have new family members. There are 2 other couples we have become extremely close with and we all consider ourselves family. We don't all live under the same roof at this time, but who knows what the future might bring. We are much closer with one of the couples and the 4 of us refer to each other as husbands & wives. I now look back over my life and can see the signs leading me to where I am today. At this time I don't know what I would do without my new family, they have stood by my husband and I through some very tough times lately. They have never wavered in their love for us and we have all become closer.

tabbi

Tabbi,

Glad to have you here and chiming in...........


- I can relate to what you are saying I would have never guessed I would end up in a Poly relationship as well. But it is what it is - you don't go out looking one day saying to yourself, "Today I will find a couple to meet and fall into love with. I think a Poly relationship is what I need now."

It just evolved and this is were we are today. For me, I can not imagine my life without Mr. or Mrs. Menage in it. Is it easy, for the most part, but this type of relationship does bring certain challenges with it. But it makes life interesting lol. There is NEVER a dull moment with us.

So we welcome you and look forward to hearing from you and possibly the rest of our group!

The Other Mrs. Menage

[mstabbikat]

Thank you for the Welcome.

Tabbi

[WesternSwing]

We started out as swingers, and then we met a single male that Mrs. WS really got into. He was the exact opposite of me so he kind of filled a need in her that I don't. Basically, he is the "caveman" type and I am more the "intellectual". They also had prior military service in common and had lots of experiences that only they could understand because I don't have any military experience.

So they carried-on for several months until he really fell in love with the wife of another couple we knew and they stayed in the relationship together until they moved away for a job transfer a few months ago. That was hard on him.

The break-up between him and Mrs. WS was hard for her. It really was a break-up to her. For him is was "I am really into this other woman so I don't feel I can sleep with anyone else right now." That was last March. It has only been recently that they've made-up a bit. In fact he was over at our house with others for a holiday party last night.

We realized though that because we are okay with developing feelings for others and that it doesn't threaten our relationship any. We are still and always will be the "one" for each other. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

Will there be more? Probably. But for right now we're back to just us and swinging.

Mr. WS

[jon0468]

well, ours is a long and involved story. Been married almost 18years, and its been great, and it's had it's downs. Nothing is perfect. Over the years, we had used swing talk during sex to spice it up, I am very sexually driven, although my wife not as much. We got involved in an online game playing with people all over the world. We were using a voip program called ventrilo to talk to these people and my wife heard a voice that just struck a chord in her. She found out by accident one day that he lived in our area, and started talking to him on the phone. She fell head over heels for him just talking to him. This whole time, she and I were going through a rough time in our marriage. On top of that, he needed a place to live and we opened our home to him. I would catch her touching his face and things like that and would ask her about her feelings for him, what was going on etc. A lot of things about our marriage came out too. We even separated for a time. During all of that she developed her relationship with him, but avoided any sexual stuff. As we were working things out, we were chatting and flirting over yahoo one night, I got her so worked up on it, she slept with him for the first time that night. Early the next morning, and I mean early, she called me to see if I was up and invited me over. I came by, she confided in me what she had done and we had some intense sex ourselves as she related what happened. It has been a long and rough road, as I overcame my jealousies, and she struggled with being in love with us both. It's only been a little more than a year since we all met, and almost a year since she and he first made love. The relations hip has really blossomed as we have all realized we can all be in love at the same time. She came to the realization that she wants us both, is not willing to let either of us get away. And I realized I love her too much to not be with her because she is in love with him too. He is fine with it because I am, and he is very much in love with her too, or so I feel he is. We are all learning and growing. Now, as far as swinging goes, I would love to, but he is not comfortable even with us being all together, and she will not outside of the two of us. I respect both of their decisions, I feel one day we will all grow enough that we can be a threesome in bed, and I can wait. My wife has also told me she doesn't mind if I play outside as long as I am safe. I have actually thought about meeting other women to "date" on a regular basis, but I fear being married will turn off women who are not into Poly. There is one girl where she works, and she figured it out, and she has expressed an interest in me, could be a good starting point, since she knows my lifestyle and cant be scared off by it. It's not like my wife or any of us were looking for a poly relationship, it just happened. And I could be quite content living out my sexual life with just the two of them. So what I mean to say is, if the chance to play outside happens, then it does, but I don't need it to be happy with my family. And he is part of our family now.

[OkieOgre]

2 or 3 years after we got married, my wife and I decided to expand our horizions a bit and delved into the swinging lifestyle. We started having a great deal of fun, but there was a nagging feeling of something missing. Eventually we realized we wanted something more from our encounters. Something more lasting than the over night fling or the weekend get away.

We searched (inwardly and outwardly) and realized we were looking to expand our relationship by adding a third (and hopefuly eventually a 4th). We started meeting people and looking around.

Our first real shot at it was a bit of a dud, she was a nice enough girl, but we never clicked fully so we parted ways.

The two of us sat down and started expressing the things we were looking for in a potential mate. The list of things we wanted was pretty basic, down to earth, kinky, friendly, flirty, bisexual and a few other things. As we discussed it, we came to the realization that, short of being outwardly bi-sexual, my wife's best friend and at that time, our house mate, fit every qualification.

We approached her about it. she was very hesitant at first, and we let her be to mull it over. After a bit of time she decided she wanted to take our friendship to the next level. It was a slow start, taking babysteps all the way, but now, 3 years later, we are still all 3 strongly devoted and expecting our GF's first child any day now.

-Ogre