Secondary wants another relationship?

[Menage_a_Trois]

While reading another thread in this forum, we had the idea for this question

How would you react if your secondary wanted to have a relationship with someone else while maintaining your current relationship?

We are curious how those involved in a poly realtionships feel about this.

T, A, and P

[KenRachel]

My GF and I have talked about this. The situation hasn't come up, but we have talked.

My take is that I can deal with relationships with 2 women, why can't she have relationships with 2 men?

In the general case, I'm all for anything that makes her happy. Of course there might be issues if it was someone that I had a problem with.

Ken

[Menage_a_Trois]

KenRachel I think you didn't understand the question I posed. In poly relationships there is a primary relationship ( one that you have with your spouse/ significant other)and secondary relationships( ones that you have with people outside your primary one). My question was how would you react if a person that you already had a secondary relationship with, wanted to have a relationship with someone else while still invoved in your relationship.

T, A, and P

[KenRachel]

I think I was answering that question. I think I may just have not defined terms.

Rachel is my wife, Pat is my girlfriend (the secondary). I have no problems with the general idea of Pat having another relationship.

Ken

[Annaiis]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

KenRachel I think you didn't understand the question I posed. In poly relationships there is a primary relationship ( one that you have with your spouse/ significant other)and secondary relationships( ones that you have with people outside your primary one). My question was how would you react if a person that you already had a secondary relationship with, wanted to have a relationship with someone else while still invoved in your relationship.

T, A, and P

I've been the secondary in that very situation. The male of the primary couple did not want me to have my own primary. I thought it represented a double standard in that he had a primary (his wife) and a secondary (me), his wife had a primary (him) and secondary (me), and though I had no primary (I was the secondary to both of them) he thought that I was unfaithful to them for wanting a primary relationship of my own.

In non-poly terms, HE had HIS partner plus another loving woman in his life, but he considered me unfaithful for wanting to find a partner of my own (who would have hopefully been happy to become a polyamorous foursome if I'd found the right man). He thought I should have considered their combined affection enough and not felt a need to have my own partner.

I ended the relationship because of his inability to recognize the validity of MY need for my own primary relationship.

[Menage_a_Trois]

KenRachel our apoligies if we misunderstood your answer, we may have just misread what you said. We think it is wonderful that you have that kind of attitude about her having teh freedom to develop other relationships. We have met others who are not so understanding.

Annaiis welcome to the poly forum. the situation you have described is similar to some others we have met. We find it rather odd and hypocritical that some have that point of view about people like yourself developing other relationships.

T, A, and P

[Chicup]

I find it interesting that the pair bonding instict holds true even in people who think of themselves as a poly couple.

I'm starting to think that this is more like traditional male polygamy where men have a 'head' wife and everyone else is secondary (not to use your term).

It would be little wonder the man would get jealous if his secondary were looking for a primary relationship. You were breaking up his little harem.

[Ssugarlips]

I am married (primary relationship) and have two secondary male partners, one in his own primary relationship, the other looking for a primary relationship while dating other women. Neither one of these situations gives me pause. I want both partners to be happy and content in their lives.

At one time, there was a special woman in our life. She was a full secondary partner to both my husband and myself. She moved away and has since married. Her husband is not interested in swinging or a poly relationship. We still love her, are in contact with her, but when we meet in person, we do not share a sexual relationship.

[Lady Yes]

Poly relationships are as varied as snowflakes, honestly.

Keep in mind that we've begun exploring swinging in order to avoid some of the drama and expectations that tend to come with poly relationships, as I've said elsewhere. That said, when we were functioning as polyamorous people, I usually felt more than a little ambivalent when one of our lovers found someone new. On one hand, I was always happy to see the possibility for yet more love to be shared all around -- "love doesn't subtract, it multiplies," and all that. In an ideal world, anyway.

On the other, this isn't an ideal world and the new relationship usually meant there was going to be less love, at least as I/we experienced it. If that "secondary's" new relationship became their primary, it was going to change the amount of time any of us could spend together. All our "in jokes" were going to have to be explained in order to include the new person -- and this assumes they wanted to be included, which wasn't always the case.

Even so, I wouldn't hold anyone back from their chance to experience more love and happiness. And good grief, all things change over time -- I've always been delighted at who ends up back on my doorstep after extended absences.

Anyway, yeah. Ambivalence. That's the short answer, for this former poly.

[StacyCat]

As someone who enters most of my poly relationships in a "secondary" (or at least a "not primary") relationship status, I would not stay with someone that wanted to keep me from dating other people. The whole reason why I am poly is to be able to date who I want.

I dont object when my dating partners start dating someone else, or even if my partner who has a primary has another partner, why would they object if I found someone new?

(Time issues asside)

[sexyshelby]

I'm no expert, but it only seems fair to me. Why should one person get more than one partner but not someone else?

~SS

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Annaiis

I've been the secondary in that very situation. The male of the primary couple did not want me to have my own primary. I thought it represented a double standard in that he had a primary (his wife) and a secondary (me), his wife had a primary (him) and secondary (me), and though I had no primary (I was the secondary to both of them) he thought that I was unfaithful to them for wanting a primary relationship of my own.

In non-poly terms, HE had HIS partner plus another loving woman in his life, but he considered me unfaithful for wanting to find a partner of my own (who would have hopefully been happy to become a polyamorous foursome if I'd found the right man). He thought I should have considered their combined affection enough and not felt a need to have my own partner.

I ended the relationship because of his inability to recognize the validity of MY need for my own primary relationship.

Well, this reminds me of our situation, we had this girlfriend (secondary relationship), she said for a long time we were her primary relatiionship (so to speak), the "only ones she wanted", but we didn't felt it fair nor right for her, and we encouraged ger to date other people and, hopefully, develop a foursome poly relationship (she would have a primary, and they would be our secondaries).

The fact is, she developed a primary relationship with someone who wasn't up to have a secondary relationship.... nor even up to swing, so our poly relationship finished.

Of course, it was something sad for all of us, but... well, it was a risk we were aware of beforehand, and it was one of the many possible RIGHT outcomes (instead of a wrong one). So there is no regret about this, and should we engage in a poly relationship again, the fairness would be pursued the same way we did before, we'd be facing the same risks... because it's part of the game.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I find it interesting that the pair bonding instict holds true even in people who think of themselves as a poly couple.

I'm starting to think that this is more like traditional male polygamy where men have a 'head' wife and everyone else is secondary (not to use your term).

It would be little wonder the man would get jealous if his secondary were looking for a primary relationship. You were breaking up his little harem.

As a side note after my previous post.... I disagree with you. Unless you're makeing a distinction between "poly people" and "people who claim to be poly", and even so, traditional poligamy is a poly relationship, however, it isn't the ONLY possible one.

[WesternSwing]

Not being presently in a poly relationship, but having been in a poly relationship in the past I can say from experience that I would not mind if they had another relationship. I don't own the other person, therefore I can't tell them what to do and what not to do. I think that would be just plain selfish.

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I find it interesting that the pair bonding instict holds true even in people who think of themselves as a poly couple.

I'm starting to think that this is more like traditional male polygamy where men have a 'head' wife and everyone else is secondary (not to use your term).

It would be little wonder the man would get jealous if his secondary were looking for a primary relationship. You were breaking up his little harem.

It is funny you mention this since Mrs. WS and I were just talking about it today. There are a couple of poly situations in the Pagan community here and with a few exceptions it seems that several of the men have always had multiple women as long as we've known them, but are very closed-minded to them having other men. We have discussed that these men are using the Pagan belief system and the openess about sex in it to do simply further their goal of being with all the women they want. There is an arrogance and selfishness about them that completely does not follow, nor represent what both the Pagan belief system or polyamory is about.

Mr. WS