Swinging as a triad

[avid]

Allrighty, this has come up.

I've been married to a wonderful man for 11 years, and together with my secondary partner for 11 months. My partner was the one who first introduced the concept of swinging to me, which I then discussed with my husband. My husband and I have been going to our local club since last November, and have had just a couple of nice swinging experiences. That part is all good.

Now we're at the point of being interested in swinging as a triad. We know a couple of couples who know us as a triad. One couple seems pretty cool with the idea on the surface, but we haven't really discussed swinging with them, we're just at the socializing and flirting stages. Flirting has been going VERY well, amongst all parties.

On the other hand, the other couple seems reluctant. The man of the couple has even gone so far as to suggest that we "find" another woman for my partner, so that he could be part of an "official" couple. It doesn't really work that way, though. If we put my husband in that situation, how reasonable is it to ask him to find another woman to bring along? Besides which, swinging for us is about exploring within our committed relationship, despite the fact that it's not a typical relationship.

We don't really like the idea of playing separately, although I've gone to a house party with my partner when my husband was away for the weekend. We didn't play that night, by prearrangement, just went to flirt and stuff.

So, any suggestions as to how we can make this work? Have other triads dealt with issues such as these?

[TNT]

I'm not in a triad but...I'll give it a go and say that there are going to be those who won't mind and there are going to be those that do. You're just going to have to find those that don't.

We took a single male friend with us to a social one night, was invited to play by a couple of other couples...we told them that **** was with us that night and that we wouldn't feel right with him not being invited as well...no problem, bring him along too...turned out to be a great play session.

Try posting an on-line ad and explaining that the three of you play together. Not sure how successful you will be but, I know we wouldn't have a problem playing with any triad.


Teresa

[Menage_a_Trois]

We have been swinging as a triad for a little over a year now. Our triad is the opposite of yours( 2 women and 1 man). Teresa has a good point about posting an online ad for the three of you together. It has made getting know people a bit easier for us. When we go to clubs, people at first are a bit catious with us and we do get a few comments like, "how does that work" or "how can the three of you swing with a couple" but once they get to know us, there doesn't seem to be much of a problem. It does take a little more work and searching for the right people, but like everything else in the lifestyle persistance pays off in the long run.
Just hang in there and don't get discouraged. If you are committed to swinging together, you will find what works for you.

T, A, and P

[avid]

Posted by the other Mrs. Menage in another thread:

"But for me I will alway continue to get people thinking I am just a "single" woman in the lifestyle................... oh well."

Well, at least you can get somewhere with that. (But I am sorry you are dealing with a lack of understanding).

This weekend we were invited to a house party. My partner is with us this weekend, and when I mentioned that to the man who invited us, I got a long silence, then "oh, never mind".

We're also planning to go to our club this weekend, which was originally supposed to be a "boytoy" theme. It would have been easy to bring my partner to that, but the theme has been shifted to a night in November now. Even though the club owner has said that she would make an exception, I really hate putting her in a position of discomfort just for me.

For a community that's supposed to be so open-minded, there are an awful lot of difficulties.

Fortunately, a great female friend is planning on coming with us, so we get to be a foursome on Saturday, and I'm betting we'll have a blast.

I'm really nervous about putting in an ad. Maybe I'll talk to my guys about it, though, and see what they think.

[sereneiders]

We've swinging once as a triad of two females and a male, and fooled around at the club as a triad without being able to swing, most of the times, so I agree with you it is hard.

Now, as a couple (we're just two again), when I face the idea of swinging with a triad, it's more easy the idea of doing it with a FMF one than with a MFM one. Also, it'd be interesting to point out that we don't pursue to swing with single males. The fact is, we're reluctancts because most single males we've known in the ambient didn't made us feel confortable enough (there's just one guy that we would gladly swing with, however he isn't around as to test the waters).

I wonder if we may correlate the reluctancy from a couple to play with an MFM triad with the reluctancy to play with single males.

Besides this, I can understand how the oddity of a triad helps tis reluctancy. We've meet "fake" coulples, I mean, two singles (M and F) going out togheter to the club as ti increase the chances to have fun. Some of them even lie about having a relationship, and the fact is, when we pursue couples, it is because it's more likely that we'll be all in the same page about the need to preserve and protect each one's relationship. So, it's understandable to be suspicious with a triad. It's so odd as a commited relationship, and way more likely it may be a couple helping a friend as to increase his chances to play with other people.

It's weird, because I know there are real poly triads, I embrance the idea of polyamory, however, I have to admit this is so ood that even myself would be suspicious if facing a triad, at least until getting to know them enough as to believe in their commitment.

[avid]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

It's weird, because I know there are real poly triads, I embrance the idea of polyamory, however, I have to admit this is so ood that even myself would be suspicious if facing a triad, at least until getting to know them enough as to believe in their commitment.

And maybe this is the crux of the matter. People need to know us as a triad, and know our committment to each other. However, if we can't go to the club together to meet people, and house parties are out, where does it happen? It's quite likely that a personal ad isn't going to get us far either, if you follow the argument that you've already stated.

Yes, many have had problems with single males, and we too have run into "fake" couples.

My point was, there is a close-mindedness that often exists within this lifestyle. That being said, several of the poly people I've met are rather close-minded about swinging!

[Menage_a_Trois]

I’m confused by your statement of:

Originally Posted by avid

Well, at least you can get somewhere with that.

The problem I run into with this is that I am not interested in playing in the lifestyle as the single female. The reason for this is, that I don't view myself as single, but rather a married woman. Although we don't have a legal document that says we are married, we live every facet of our lives as though we are married. And it’s the attitude I get from others that causes me frustration at times. I feels like no matter what I say or do, many people will not take our relationship seriously. I have even had people we have known in the lifestyle for a long time say things like “oh yeah, I never can remember your not a single female” and this from someone who has been to our home and seen us in normal everyday life not just the lifestyle. Lots of people refuse to accept that we are a triad, they only view us as a married couple with a girlfriend. Please don’t read my words here as a compliant but more of a frustration. I/we have chosen to be in this relationship together for better or worse; and we refuse to let people who don’t get our relationship, stand in our way. We have met many people in the lifestyle that once they took the time to get to know us, have no problem with our relationship and we have had a lot of fun with them, in and out of the bedroom.

Originally Posted by avid

For a community that's supposed to be so open-minded, there are an awful lot of difficulties.

We couldn’t agree more. For a group that prides themselves on being open minded, free spirited, cutting edge in regards to sexuality and relationships it’s funny how uncomfortable and insecure they really are when it comes to someone who has a poly relationship.

Originally Posted by avid

I'm really nervous about putting in an ad. Maybe I'll talk to my guys about it, though, and see what they think.

We decided to put an ad on SLS as a triad. The reason for this was quite simple. It is the relationship we are currently in, we are a triad involved in swinging, and it lets people know upfront a bit about us. And most importantly it weeds out those who would not be interested in us as a result of our being a triad. However I feel it’s important to emphasis that we do not advertise we are a “poly” relationship but that we are in fact a triad. We feel the only way a lifestyle ad (any type) is negative is if you put a negative spin on it. Look at it this way, do you really want to waste your time with people who are not going to either accept or understand your relationship anyway? Hopefully this helps……..

[avid]

Hi Folks, not sure if this should be in a different thread, so feel free to move it, but I was curious about this statement.

Since, we are not looking for a long term, classic relationship per say, in swinging, I just would not have figure this to be an issue. Well I guess it would be for us anyways. As long as your relationship was solid, which most poeple can see pretty quickly, what is the problem? I am just curious, is it because the other couples feel threatend that you might try to "include" them into your relationship? If so, that seems absurd to me, just like it would seem absurd that someone might feel that I wanted to include them in a longterm relationship with MrsVan...

Not sure if that makes sense...but I really amazed me when I read this, that because you happen to be a triad, that is actually caused issues with finding playmates..

Sorry for the lack of attribution on this quote, and for being a pseudo-moderator, but I put this in here because the thread already existed.

I think people tend to reject what they don't understand. Once they wrapped their heads around the concept of swinging, and found it worked for them, they needed to create a framework, a set of rules, from within which to operate.

That statement, above, is me taking the high road.

When I'm not being so diplomatic, I would say there are just some freaking close minded people out there!

Just this past weekend, we had a great experience with a couple we've known for a year or so, but don't get together with much. They have to be the coolest people in the world, and I'd be thrilled to be friends with them in any context. The woman of the couple called me up a couple of weeks ago and invited hubby and I to an event for last Saturday evening. I knew that my partner was going to be in town, so I figured it wasn't going to work.

I had told this couple nothing about our living situation, thinking that we don't see them that often anyway, and I was concerned they would judge us, and that would be the end of a very pleasant acquaintance.

I took a leap of faith, however, and told her about my partner, and that we'd been poly for a year now. She asked a couple of intelligent questions, then asked if he'd like to join us all on Saturday. She said that she's seen enough of life to know that anyone who wants to bring more love into the world, is all right with her. See, I knew she was cool, but I really had no idea!

We ended up having a fantastic time on Saturday, and this couple were charming to my partner, and I think they got to see for themselves that we really are fairly "normal" (in a far-out way). She saw that we all cared about each other, and that's all right.

Last night, however, it was brought home to me that people like the couple from Saturday, might still be in the minority.

I was chatting with the guy part of a couple we know from the club we go to. We've gotten together with them a couple of times, and see them fairly frequently at the club. Circumstances have been such that we've gotten together with them when I was a couple with my hubby, and one weekend as a couple with my partner. They know my partner, and seem to like him well enough.

Last night this guy made it known that he really wanted to get together, and wondered when that was going to happen. I casually mentioned when my partner was going to be in town, and that we'd probably come to the club then. He was blunt in asking me if we were ever going to swing without my partner. I told him that I actually preferred swinging as a triad, and gave him several reasons. His response was, oh well, too bad, I tried. Like it was just completely out of the question! Then he tried to pin it on HIS partner - she doesn't like "single guys". Oy. Needless to say, I diplomatically reminded him that my partner is not at all a "single guy".

So, I guess we don't want to swing with them.

[KenRachel]

We saw something somewhat like this recently. A guy who has been a friend of mine (and sex partner) for years came back into town, after not visiting for a long while. When he's in town he "stays" in our guest room. It has been awhile, so I was looking forward to him not staying there. For the past few years everytime he's been in town he has been happy to join Ken and I.

Since G was last here Ken has started dating Pat.

So on Friday G gets in, we go out to dinner. I flirt with him and things are going fine. Ken had to stop on the way home for something, but G and I got home and I decided to get things rolling. So G and I are definitely being more than friendly. I tell him how much I have been looking forward to having both he and Ken with me. He asks if Pat is coming over. I explained to him (again since I had mentioned it to him before) that Pat doesn't swing with us as a threesome. This really seemed to put a damper on things.

Why should Ken having a gf that is not present be any different than the situation before Ken and Pat started dating.

[bill&sabrina]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

Lots of people refuse to accept that we are a triad, they only view us as a married couple with a girlfriend.

Since this is a problem, why is this how your SLS profile, and your description here describes your relationship? You may be the source of your frustration, without realizing it.

[bill&sabrina]

Originally Posted by KenRachel

Why should Ken having a gf that is not present be any different than the situation before Ken and Pat started dating.

My guess would be because he is a guy. It was a disappointment to not get to play with 2 women. We all strive to be better than that, but we are only human.

[flkeyscouple]

I can't talk for my husband, but in my opinion we wouldn't have any problem playing with a triad - either MFM or MFF. I think it would be a bonus, not a hinderence!

We, as a couple, won't play without each other. I don't see why I should expect that you, as a triad, would play without all partners!

I have been accused of 'talking' before thinking (many times), but even though I have never thought about playing with a triad before - until this thread - I can't think of anydownside to it. Just my opinion!

Sarah

[avid]

What a sweet thing to say, Sarah, thank you so much.

We've been invited to a group weekend away by a couple, who only knows us as a triad. They made a point to address their email by saying "Hey you three!"

It's nice to be validated.

Niagara Falls, here we come!

[luv2buck]

Originally Posted by avid

Last night this guy made it known that he really wanted to get together, and wondered when that was going to happen. I casually mentioned when my partner was going to be in town, and that we'd probably come to the club then. He was blunt in asking me if we were ever going to swing without my partner. I told him that I actually preferred swinging as a triad, and gave him several reasons. His response was, oh well, too bad, I tried. Like it was just completely out of the question! Then he tried to pin it on HIS partner - she doesn't like "single guys". Oy. Needless to say, I diplomatically reminded him that my partner is not at all a "single guy".

So, I guess we don't want to swing with them.

Same thing happen with us.

My spouse and I were part of a MFM arrangement for close to four years. We encountered the same sort of reception from the "swinger" community. We were naive in thinking that we would be accepted just as a FMF group would of been.

My wife was into being tied up and such and we knew a couple of folks who were involved with the bondage community. We partied with some of these people a couple of times but their rituals, the rules, not having a sense of humor about themselves and the overall lack of sex just wasn't for us.

Fortunately, we found other people that liked to fool around and didn't care if we showed up with two guys and one woman.

best regards,

buck

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by avid

What a sweet thing to say, Sarah, thank you so much.

We've been invited to a group weekend away by a couple, who only knows us as a triad. They made a point to address their email by saying "Hey you three!"

It's nice to be validated.

Niagara Falls, here we come!

I will have to ditto this and Sarah's comments! It's a long road to hoe sometimes but well worth it. For us our relationship isn't an option - it just is - however - swinging is an option, and not one we feel we would give our relationship up for. But it is a wonderful thing when those in the swinging community do acknowledge your relationship and remember it is three and not just two.

The Other Mrs. Menage