Green Eyed...over the secondary....

[JP51]

What a deal, we are all four going to Desire. That should be real fun, now get this! I am feeling a little green eyed :rollseyes over my secondary maybe having fun with other guys.... can you believe that!! It strike me funny that I would even feel this way. I talked to my primary about it and she just laughed at me ! Said it because I care, so don't worry about it, it will pass. I guess she knows me better than I know myself. Just thought I would share this with the poly group.

[dozzydolly]

Ha ha ha -I know how you feel. I've experienced more jealousy concerning my secondaries than with my husband (shows where my insecurities lie I guess). I've had several conversations with others about this and it seems to be a common experience. I hope you all have a great trip to Desire.

[Miss_Piggy]

Maybe there is something about secondaries feeling more unstable or less commited or something like that. I mean, with your primary partner you have all sorts of ties together (which have that side benefit of offering some security).
The secondary isn't as tied in, making is easier for him or her to leave you should there be even very small difficulties.
I know that the green-eyed mosnter seems to come at me when I'm feeling insecure about my relationship in some way.

[dozzydolly]

Agreed! When I feel jealousy I have to ask why. For me jealousy doesn't seem to be a pure emotion, a symptom not a cause.

[avid]

I feel the same way, but I'm not sure it's jealousy, it's more likely to be an insecurity.

It could be because we haven't been together that long, too. My husband and I have been together for almost 13 years, whereas my partner and I have been together for 11 months. I feel pretty good about the thought of him being with another woman (I want to watch!), but I do feel more reservations about it than if it were my husband. We haven't swung together yet, but I'm hoping the opportunity will arise soon. Hey, that reminds me of a thread I wanted to start!

[JTcamp05]

I don't think this is uncommon at all..... guess its all part of the experience !!!

[JP51]

a little follow up...my wife admited last night she had the same issue with her secondary....so guess it runs in the family...lol. Thanks everyone....

[Menage_a_Trois]

The jealousy/insecurity may come from the fact that relationships with secondaries are not on the same footing as primary ones. They are more like "dating", while the primary is a marriage or long term relationship. Not sure about the relationship you have with your secondary, but most secondary relationships aren't exclusive. So could the insecurity be about them finding someone else? I think I'd talk to my secondary about this and you might find that they are feeling the same way. Good communication could go along way to putting your mind at ease.

T, A, and P

[jon0468]

yes, this is not as unusual as you would think. My wife has great insecurities over her secondary. When I comment that she must care more about him than me, because of how she gets jealous, she just says, "no, there is something about you, I can't explain it, but I don't have any worries about you, even if you did meet other women and play with them, I know you would be coming home to me and sleeping in my bed." I believe it is because she and I have the 18 years, and that bond, that we know and trust each other that much.

[lustylearning]

Good insight in this thread.

[GoNatural]

Originally Posted by Miss_Piggy

Maybe there is something about secondaries feeling more unstable or less commited or something like that. I mean, with your primary partner you have all sorts of ties together (which have that side benefit of offering some security).
The secondary isn't as tied in, making is easier for him or her to leave you should there be even very small difficulties.

Miss_Piggy and Menage_a_Trois both explained this really well. The same indepth ties to a commitment are not locked in.

One thing others have not mentioned is the stage of the relationships with secondaries. Generally, relationships with secondaries are still in the infatuation stage. I believe that people are more jellous of their lovers in this stage. It last for 1.5 to 3 years typically in a 1 on 1 relationship, but loving more than one person at the same time can draw out infatuation over a longer period of time.

Also, in the infatuation phase you are more likely to still be trying to win your secondary over. It may be subconcious, but this mode of winning over your lover is likely to be more open to jelousy.

You are not still trying to win your primary over, so that is so much easier. When I say still trying, I mean you might be in a maintenance phase of winning that person over, even if you don't realize it.