Welcome to Polyville

[ViSexual]

My wife and I shared swinging experiences after only a few years of our 35 year marriage.

I absolutely loved those experiences and would have been more than willing to continue enjoying them every now and then.

My wife simply had difficulty dealing with the moral implications they had to her. So, we stopped.

About 10 years ago she joined me in some online, very soft, swinging and we searched for that perfect couple to, perhaps, go further with.

It seams that we just never found that couple and she tired of looking, then totally backed out of agreeing to experiment at all again. We did find one or two 'halves' of couples that were appealing but never a couple.

Well, recently, one of the 'halves' that we both liked the absolute best contacted us. It seems that he and his wife have pretty much split up.

To my great delight my wife is as interested in him as I am. He and I hit it off, both times, and love sharing stories, thoughts, and porn sites. This time my wife is hitting it off with him too, in a less-sexual friendship.

He is one of the most considerate, nice, guys I've ever known but is also as open and honest with his fantasies and desires as me.

Now I've never really given any consideration to a poly relationship with anyone, man or woman, before but have been thinking a lot recently about him coming into our lives.

I could enjoy that a lot. I could share her with him and he and I could share her too. And she could have the benefit of either of us alone at her choosing.

And something tells me that my wife is thinking this same thing right now.

He and I have discussed it and he's willing to spend the time and effort it's going to take if it's going to come to be.

Ultimately, it'll need to be her idea but she knows, from many past discussions, that I'd be totally for anything like that so she isn't going to have consider anything except her desires in this.

Right now I'm just so high on the thoughts of my wife and I finally finding that common ground on this matter. This has been our one and only incompatibility in a long, loving, and otherwise perfect, marriage.

Just wanted to share.

Rich

[gatorvol64]

Here goes. We've always enjoyed swinging...once we started we had plenty of fun and no jealousy. We met a couple in January of this year and now Gator and I are in what I call a poly-type relationship. We do not all live together. I never saw this in our future and to be honest I probably would have done anything I could to avoid it. Is it strange that I don't have a problem and can enjoy watching him have sex with another woman but sharing him emotionally with one was devastating to begin with? I'll be honest and say that I felt very justified in that feeling. But..I love the man and really want him to have all that he can out of life. So, when he and the lady of the couple fell hard for each other, we decided to give things a try (and that is the most edited version of what happened that I could think of). Now the four of us are in a relationship together. It is work I'll say and I'll admit to being jealous to begin with. It is mostly all fine now. There are still a few things we have to figure out how to deal with. We need a middle ground...nothing to either extreme. We are slowly finding it between each couple and the four of us. Gator and I are interested in swinging again (while we were getting things worked out it seemed best to put that on hold). The other couple aren't quite ready for that. Gator and I feel that we should at least start out doing so as a quad. It will make it easier on feelings all around. We realize that it will be difficult but we'll treat this like everything else we have since we started in the lifestyle two years ago...patience...it'll happen when it happens.

Vol

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by gatorvol64

Here goes. We've always enjoyed swinging...once we started we had plenty of fun and no jealousy. We met a couple in January of this year and now Gator and I are in what I call a poly-type relationship. We do not all live together. I never saw this in our future and to be honest I probably would have done anything I could to avoid it. Is it strange that I don't have a problem and can enjoy watching him have sex with another woman but sharing him emotionally with one was devastating to begin with? I'll be honest and say that I felt very justified in that feeling. But..I love the man and really want him to have all that he can out of life. So, when he and the lady of the couple fell hard for each other, we decided to give things a try (and that is the most edited version of what happened that I could think of). Now the four of us are in a relationship together. It is work I'll say and I'll admit to being jealous to begin with. It is mostly all fine now. There are still a few things we have to figure out how to deal with. We need a middle ground...nothing to either extreme. We are slowly finding it between each couple and the four of us. Gator and I are interested in swinging again (while we were getting things worked out it seemed best to put that on hold). The other couple aren't quite ready for that. Gator and I feel that we should at least start out doing so as a quad. It will make it easier on feelings all around. We realize that it will be difficult but we'll treat this like everything else we have since we started in the lifestyle two years ago...patience...it'll happen when it happens.

Vol

Poly relationship are difficult at best and there is always feeling involved from one or all parties BUT when it works it is incredible. Glad to have you here in Polyville and we look forward to hearing from you!

I have to ask why where you jealous? Was it that he felt strongly for someone else or that you were loosing time with him, etc.........we all have things that we are initally always "comfortable" with until we full understand them. Perhaps your sharing with us here will help someone else experiencing something similar.

The Menage's

[gatorvol64]

I probably should have told that to start with. It was a big step for me to post. I'm a pretty private person. Especially about something I'm not totally sure about. I'm more sure than I've ever been so, here I am.

Note, this is even harder for me to say. I have never said anything to anyone about Gator in the negative. He will understand me posting here though. Actually, I've asked all three of them if it is ok for me to post about us or I wouldn't have done so even now.

Gator, totally ignored me. I'm not talking showed me less attention. I'm talking about ignoring and even putting me down a few times in front of her to make her feel better. He was different than I have ever seen him. He and I have always had a good relationship. Things to overcome, certainly, and with some things that others do not face (sexual abuse as a child for me). Before we started swinging we were very close, talked all the time about all kinds of things. Spent all our free time together. Continued after entering the lifestyle. I'm not sure that I can completely explain the whole problem with why I was jealous. But the major thing was that I felt I had lost him completely. Now, I think he doesn't give her enough attention. Which is why I said we are working on a middle ground. Now that I know I am just as important to him as I've always been jealousy isn't much of a problem. Now, I feel that once the middle ground is found that I mentioned, we'll be doing really well. I've had issues with her as well but I like her. I really do. Love her in my way. She just was asking more than I was comfortable with. Once the infatuation for them both settled into more manageable feelings, it has been easier. I'm not bi but she is. I also felt I couldn't give her everything she deserved. She is the only woman who I've let touch me in a sexual way. That just shows how much I feel for her. She assures me that it is enough. The other man...well, we are so alike it is unreal...as are Gator and the other lady. I think that is probably a lot what we get from the other couple and vise versa. We do get things from them that we don't each other.

Anyone who reads this, feel free to ask any questions. I wouldn't have posted if I wasn't ready to answer them. This has been a strange and complex situation. If anything that we have gone through could help someone have less problems then I'm more than willing to share and help all that I can.

Vol

[avid]

I'm so glad you feel ready to share.

I know it's a lot of work, we just celebrated our two year anniversary as a triad. Things are easier now, and much more comfortable for all concerned.

I would write more, but I haven't had my coffee yet!

[gatorvol64]

Avid, I also joined the poly board you told me about. Thanks. Things are going to be fine for the four of us. I can feel it. Sometimes just reading other peoples experiences and being willing to talk about your own can help immensely.

Congratulations on your anniversary. We got each other matching rings a while back and that is the day we have chosen to be our anniversary.

Vol

[gatorvol64]

I thought I would give an update to our poly situation.

Good, very good. We've all made some great strides in our relationship. Most of problems were basically communication issues it seems. I think communication within a quad is even more important than a diad if that is possible. Multiple 2 people and how important communication is by 2 more people. Things are really going great right now and we are happier than we've been in a while. Our biggest problem right now is seeing each other as much as we'd like. Moving closer together is most definitely something we hope to accomplish in the near future. We've been discussing moving in together. That is a better solution but not as feasible right now. Partly due to most of our families not knowing about the extent of our relationship. That is something we are slowly working on revealing. I have to say (especially for someone who would never have considered this for herself) that I feel extremely lucky to have the amount of love I do from two wonderful men. And the friendships of the women and men are a great thing, too.

We still have things to address but, we are really getting there.

Vol

[dragonblade]

Vol thanks for the update to your situation and reviving this thread...

This is my first time really posting about this so bear with me My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and have been best friends for the last 11 years. We dated for about a year and 1/2 in high school as well.. he is my first love and the only person I really allowed myself to love because even when we weren't "together" I felt it would have been betraying my feelings for him to love another in the same way... we've always had great open communication and respect for each other and so about a year ago he mentioned to me the idea of getting into poly type relationships. Neither of us had done anything like it before...

Well about 6 months ago after talking and figuring things out I started dating my boyfriend. He lives out near Chicago and we live in Connecticut as of now, and we spent a wonderful weekend together in October, but finances being what they are haven't been able to get together in person again since.. however we talk online or on the phone pretty much every day..

My husband also has an opportunity if he wishes to establish a relationship of his own, however I must admit that I get jealous to think of him having another woman especially if she is close seeing as my boyfriend is so far away... part of that stems from the fact that I have a high libido and he's happy with once a week.. and that sort of makes me feel that if he found another woman then I'd get it even less...if that makes sense. We are hoping within the next year at most to be moving to FL permanently and with that my boyfriend also moving down to the area that we'll be going. I don't ever see him living with us and our 3 kids.. I just don't see that being really feasible. And I honestly think at that point if my hubby were to find a gf that I wouldn't have an issue with it..

See we had a bit different ideas I think when we were talking about this. When he said poly and I started researching it I wound up equating it with how you love your kids if you have more than 1 (we have 3) I love all my children equally but not the "same" because they're different individuals. They each have their own personalities and quirks and it's not possible to love them the "same"... just as I love my husband and my boyfriend on 2 different spectrum's. My boyfriend is the second man I've ever really loved because hubby said that it was "okay" to do and therefore I didn't feel like I was betraying him by delving into it.. Hubby thought of it more like really good friends with benefits.. and maybe a bit of feelings but not full on love..

He's had a bit of jealousy if he sees me say "I love you" or am talking to my boyfriend a lot.. and when I see that I take 5 and find out what's going on and do my best to reassure him and resolve any situation..

Okay so a couple questions from you guys..

#1 Is it normal to not plan to ever live together with the other S/O's? Does that work as well or what have you than living together?

#2 I know there's a lot of stuff in the post, do you guys have any suggestions or advice on how to handle the jealousy or just advice in general.. things to look out for or what not. I found a lot of info on poly online, but my husband doesn't really want to read anything on it.. let's rephrase.. he doesn't really read this board or anything related to all this.. he knows I do and if something comes across as pertinent I pass it along, but he'd rather just live life and go as we go.. I tend to take the advice to heart and implement it as necessary so he doesn't really have to lol he just generally follows my lead..

Sorry so long,and seemingly scattered.. there's a lot I want to say and ask but can't quite gather my thoughts at the moment for all of it. If it doesn't belong here in this thread feel free to move it to it's own or whatever

~Blade~

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by dragonblade

Okay so a couple questions from you guys..

#1 Is it normal to not plan to ever live together with the other S/O's? Does that work as well or what have you than living together?~Blade~

What's normal? Your relationship(s) is different than mine or anyone elses. You have to do what works for you. Yes, I've heard of people in poly relationships that do not live together. To be frank, in my experience, I've heard of more who don't than do. It is our goal eventually. Right now we live two hours apart.

Originally Posted by dragonblade

#2 I know there's a lot of stuff in the post, do you guys have any suggestions or advice on how to handle the jealousy or just advice in general.. things to look out for or what not. I found a lot of info on poly online, but my husband doesn't really want to read anything on it.. let's rephrase.. he doesn't really read this board or anything related to all this.. he knows I do and if something comes across as pertinent I pass it along, but he'd rather just live life and go as we go.. I tend to take the advice to heart and implement it as necessary so he doesn't really have to lol he just generally follows my lead..

~Blade~

Regarding the jealousy, that's something I faced with this and it came as a complete shock to me. I've never really been a jealous person. Not regarding swinging or not the whole 26 years we've been together except when Gator feel in love with his girlfriend. It just totally rocked my little world. However, I love Gator so much I can't begin to describe it. I wanted, even then, for him to have all he could in life. So, we set out on a journey along a road we came to very unexpectedly. This meant I had to get a handle on that jealousy. Because poly just fell into our laps, we've made mistakes...hard ones by all four of us but Gator and I had to deal with ours first. I so wish I had known a poly relationship was what we were heading toward...I'd have done research much sooner and may have avoided some of my mistakes. Gator and I handle things differently. He just mainly tries to work it out in his head. I research everything. And reading other people's stories have really helped.

My biggest advice to you, other than the obvious one to communicate, is take it slow. Don't either of you push the other into accepting something they are not ready for. It is difficult to take steps back (we know from personal experience). Just as in swinging, go at the pace of the slowest one (and it won't always be the same person). Getting there slow and steady with a foundation is better than jumping into the deep end.

One more thing, I understood you to say that part of the jealousy will be because his girlfriend will be closer to him than your boyfriend and, therefore, it follows he'll get to see her more. Try to imagine the reverse situation and see how you feel with that. We don't choose who we love. It was your luck to find someone further than you'd like from you. Ask yourself should your choice limit him in his choice. At first you might want to sit and talk with him about the frequency he sees her. Ask him to make it less frequent until you get used to it. But, you have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone little by little if this is going to work. When you do that, he'll be able to see her more frequently and you'll be fine with it.

Poly relationships are not easy...they can be hard. But we are finding the good aspects of it making the difficulty worth the effort.

Vol

[dragonblade]

Vol,

Thanks for the response.. my thoughts about a gf for my hubby are sort of strange because he doesn't have one. At the moment doesn't even have the prospect for one because he's fairly introverted.. so I guess it's theoretical at this point. And you're absolutely right. But I think that it's the what if's are always worse than the what actually is. I think if it came around we communicate to the point that I'd be able to handle it.. it's just the "ahh!!" what if... he desires her more blah blah.. does that make sense? This thing is so hard sometimes heh. But if we all get on the same page I think it will be totally worth it...

Thanks again

~Blade~

[screaminggood]

Hi polys...a quick reaction to a statement about y'all having problems in the swinging world. When I see 3 or more people together, I tend to think that they're "on a date" and thus, not available. My suggestion is that y'all ensure that you socialize/dance with other people so that the rest of us will know you're available or looking for additions. Personally, I think y'all would be fun to play with!