What is Polyamory?

[JustAskJulie]

This has been a pretty major topic of discussion lately, as the idea of starting a new forum dedicated to the overalap of swinging and poly has been brought up and bandied about. It is stll being considered but in the meantime I feel like we need some more discussion, with the topic being....

What exactly (in your mind) is polyamory? Many here have expressed and interest in poly, or have said they are involved in poly but from reading some of the posts we wonder "is that really poly?"

Those of you who say you are polyamorous or are interested in that idea... do you actually express a love for your partnerS? Or is is more that you want to have a very narrow selection of partners (monogomous swinging?).

So what is polyamory?

[CuriousInOregon]

that is a GREAT question Julie, I wonder the same when I read some threads about Poly, I get the feeling that most say Poly because they dont know the difference when what they Really want is a SMALL group of monogomous partners to play with and know its a safe circle. I am very interested to know what happens on this Thread I will be keeping my eyes posted..... The Mr and I have wondered weather we would ever consider Poly or not and we have said No because we are a very Dominate couple and dont think there are many that would want to "bend" to our way and we know ourselves better than that to try to consider "bending" to theirs so I think we have decided that if we had the choice we would want a "small circle" of friends that we could call when we wanted a little spice in our life but Not so much as the Committed relationship status Quo that seems to be related to Poly.

[SA_Cpl]

Polyamory, at least to me, is a committed relationship involving more then 2 individuals. While I have known of some couples that had committed relationships with each other, my general opinion of swinging does not fall into the category of poly. While we are friends with most people we play with and we love many as very good friends, we are not committed to them or "in love" with them. The issue of commitment is the critical issue in differentiating swinging from poly in my way of thinking.

[JP51]

Great discussion topic... we have a small group whom we play with three other couples, and then we have one other couple that falls into the poly world vs. swinging. They do not play with others at all at present they might in the future. Who knows... is it a committed relationship with this other couple? Guess so in many ways...we have used the "love" word in relationship to/with them, now with swinger friends we have never used that term. Does the poly relationship go beyond normal friendship, well what is normal? If it means does the “Uncle” take their kids out to play ball, archery, when the Dad is not around (work etc) then yes, does “Uncle” take Mom out house back riding alone, yes – is sex required – no. Do Dad and Aunt do things as a family unit? Play with the kids etc…yes. Guess my view is kind of like this, would the male half of the other partner take off work to make sure my wife got to the doctor if sick, got dropped off at the airport, or any of the thousands things we do for each other – yes…would I do the same for this wife – yes. One rule we have with swinging partners is that we always end up in the same bed together each night…with our poly couple is seems we have evolved to a it does not matter which bed you spend the night in. We have a strong bond, the male side of the relationship (we both like and enjoy many of the same things) ditto on the wife’s. This along with just enough differences that when with the others partner we do things together that one of the others does not care for. We vacation together, share holidays and have a very close relationship with each other’s families. Is this a poly relationship, guess I would have to say yes…interesting we fell into this did not go looking for it.

[SA_Cpl]

Again, I would ask do you love this couple, or are you "in love" with them? I love my lifestyle friends, but I am only "in love" with my spouse.

[JP51]

I would have to say the answer would be "yes" ...weard is it not...my wife and I have been together since we were 13...now I am 51 ...so for 38 years have not said that to another female..ditto for the wife and this other couple has been together 15 years!

[CuriousInOregon]

I have been SUCKED into this thread keep it commin I love the interesting reading it really makes me think

[dingdong69]

jp5, I envy you, in my former marriage we had the same kind of bonding with another couple those were the hapiest days of my life we really care for each other and great sex was just a product of that caring love for each other, and I just migth add we met him the male part of that couple (when he was still single and had not even met his future wife) and play with him threesomes many years before we met his wife, again I could only said: I envy you.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

So what is polyamory?

Well for us the easiest way to explain polyamory would be to explain our relationship.

We are a triad that is comprised of a married couple (Mr. Menage 45 & Mrs. Menage 30) and myself (The Other Mrs. Menage 44) a single female. We have been together as an offical triad for a little over a year. We live together, share normal household responsibilities, finances, trips, cars, and yes sex.

Mr. & Mrs. Menage were in the lifestyle for approximately 8 years when we met and Mrs. Menage had always thought that the perfect marriage would be a man and two women. I had been married for almost 25 years and divorced about 2 years and had three grown children and I had been in the lifestyle for about a year & a half when I met them and had never had a bi experience until getting into the lifestyle much less thought about a relationship like polyamory.

Our relationship just blossomed and it became very evident almost immediately for us that there was much more to our friendship then the normal friendship. It just happened that we were all in the lifestyle.

For us our relationship is a marriage among the three of us - with no one person being higher in the chain than the next nor is anyone lower - we are all EQUALS. One of the things that is a common denominator with Poly's is that they are open to multiple partners - for us - we are perfectly happy with the relationship as it is - we are not nor do we want to add anyone else. Poly for us is defined as the capacity to really truly love more than one person.

One of the things that has surprised all of us is just how naturally we fell into this relationship and how extremely natural it is for us.

Do we have struggles YES - what relationship doesn't - but instead if things only having two walls to bounce off of we have three - so there is always great ideas, insite and input to any situation that arises. The car needs to go to the shop, well there are two others to lean on. Someone is sick - no one person bears the weight alone for caring for the other.

But I wonder if you all can guess what the #1 question is we all get from everyone else? I'll answer it a little later in the thread........

The Other Mrs. Menage

[dingdong69]

Memage a trois, there was one time in our relationship that we felt that we didn't feel like adding anyone else to our circle but, when we met Mrs. "E" (we would call her) there was an instant click that felt so natural that there was not look back after that, I would never say never because you never know what life has for you down the road, but that's just me.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by dingdong69

Memage a trois, there was one time in our relationship that we felt that we didn't feel like adding anyone else to our circle but, when we met Mrs. "E" (we would call her) there was an instant click that felt so natural that there was not look back after that, I would never say never because you never know what life has for you down the road, but that's just me.

I don't disagree with you at all............never say never is my montra about almost everything in life but there is a big difference between hunting/actively looking verses fate just giving you the special gift such as ours.

Just thinking about the odds of it is overwhelming - before it was only Mr. & Mrs. Menage that had to agree on me but for us to consider someone else - it would now require the approval/agreement of three of us not just two.

Like I've said before this is a marriage better the three of us and for us - we are more than happy with it as it is but should we be blessed once again - well then we will across that bridge when it presents itself.

The Other Mrs. Menage

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

For us our relationship is a marriage among the three of us - with no one person being higher in the chain than the next nor is anyone lower - we are all EQUALS. One of the things that is a common denominator with Poly's is that they are open to multiple partners - for us - we are perfectly happy with the relationship as it is - we are not nor do we want to add anyone else. Poly for us is defined as the capacity to really truly love more than one person.

The Other Mrs. Menage

This is what Ted and I think a poly relationship should be like. For us, it's what it would have to be like for it to ever work for us. Although we are not/do not actively seek a poly relationship, we are open to one IF we were to happen to meet the right person. I guess as you say if fate gave us a gift .

One of the obstacles that we feel we would have in a poly relationship would be that Ted and I literally have a lifetime of history with each other. We would always have this history/bond/love with each other and are not sure how that could/would be incorporated with bringing a third into the relationship and having it be totally equal. How do the three of you deal with this?

Also...since you said that ya'll fell into this naturally...did the three of you do any type of research into polyamory when you realized that this is where ya'll were headed or...did you just play it by ear ?

One of the things that seems to be a common denominator between "swingers" and "polys" (from what we've read on poly sites and know about swingers) is honesty in the relationship. Do ya'll think being swingers helped with the relationship developing?

Those are just a very few of our thoughts/questions...if ya'll don't mind answering/discussing more I'm sure there will be many others.

Oh....

But I wonder if you all can guess what the #1 question is we all get from everyone else?

I'm guessing that it's ....What's the sleeping/sex arrangements?


Teresa

[Menage_a_Trois]

Like anything in life you learn as you go. Something that the three of us have come to realize is that in relationship’s you love people differently. Let us explain this better. Love is unique to each individual or that your relationship to each person is unique. Not unlike if you have more than one child you love each of them equally but the relationship (therefore the love) with each is different and unique. Doesn’t matter if it is your children, parents or your siblings – each relationship is unique to the people in that relationship.

Our relationship is kind of like an equilateral triangle – all three sides being equal and it takes all three sides to create the whole. Each side shares an angle (relationship) with each of the other sides. They are all the same yet different. This is the easiest way to explain how our relationship works.

Originally Posted by TNT

One of the obstacles that we feel we would have in a poly relationship would be that Ted and I literally have a lifetime of history with each other. We would always have this history/bond/love with each other and are not sure how that could/would be incorporated with bringing a third into the relationship and having it be totally equal. How do the three of you deal with this?

None of us are really understanding why this would be an issue. Mr. & Mrs. Menage have been together 11 years – there is obvious history/bond/love there. The Other Mrs. Menage was married 25 years, has grown children – she has her own history herself. Why would a long term history/bond/love with someone else effect bringing in another person? If you have an older child and find yourself pregnant would the new child not fit into the family structure because he/she is coming into the relationship midstream? For all of us once we decided to try this relationship – there was no option to be anything other than equal if it was going to work.

If what you are asking about is: You and Ted have had a relationship a long time, will bringing in a third person effect your relationship between the two of you? That answer is simple – YES. Whether that yes is positive or negative depends on many factors. That is a risk that anyone takes in any relationship – there are no guarantees. Kind of like your choice about the lifestyle. It will either enhance an already wonderful relationship or it will make the failing relationship obvious.

Originally Posted by TNT

Also...since you said that ya'll fell into this naturally...did the three of you do any type of research into polyamory when you realized that this is where ya'll were headed or...did you just play it by ear?

For Mr. & Mrs. Menage – they had spent years talking and fantasizing about this type of relationship. But when it came down to it, they simple made sure that they were both going in eyes wide open. The Other Mrs. Menage on the other hand, the over thinker, had to read everything she could (and still does).

Originally Posted by TNT

One of the things that seems to be a common denominator between "swingers" and "polys" (from what we've read on poly sites and know about swingers) is honesty in the relationship. Do ya'll think being swingers helped with the relationship developing?

Really swinging has very little bearing other than it is a recreation that we all have in common. If The Other Mrs. Menage hadn’t been a swinger and Mr. & Mrs. Menage were – that could have been a challenge to over come. But being swingers didn’t actually help the “relationship” develop. But all of us are very upfront and honest people and that is critical in a relationship such as this – and because of being upfront and honest nobody ever feels left out or out of the “loop”.

Originally Posted by TNT

I'm guessing that it's ....What's the sleeping/sex arrangements?
Teresa

Your half right – it’s always the sleeping arrangements people wonder about. For those who are curious – it’s never been an issue – it just works out – usually it’s decided by the sleepy head of the group. Seriously though, most always one of us is extremely tired and just wants a good night’s sleep and doesn’t mind hitting the guest room as we are all the same in our sleep habits and are not major cuddler’s. And when all else fails we take turns. As we write this we are working on getting a double king size bed for us……….

AND for anyone who is curious about the sex arrangements – most of the time it’s all three of us – but there are times it’s one on one……we all need a little connection time one on one but this is never to the exclusion of the other person. We are all very respectfully of each other and never do anything that makes anyone feel excluded, left out or most of all unwanted! We all get our equal share of physical attention.

The Menage's (T, A & P)

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

Why would a long term history/bond/love with someone else effect bringing in another person?

I'm not sure...that's why I was asking

I do get the analogy of the love you have for more than one child...boy, do I get that one, having four of them ...in fact, just last week we were talking about whether or not we could love a second grandchild as much as we do the first ( she has really, really, dug her way into our hearts). We looked at each other like it was the dumbest thought we ever had, grinned and said yeah, we would.

I think what I'm trying to get at is....when I said that Ted and I have a lifetime history...I'm talking about since diaper age (so we're looking at close to 40 years of being in each other's life in one form or another).

Having this type of life with each other, to us it would seem like our sides of the triangle would always have an extra type of strength/bond/whatever more so than we would have with the third's side of the triangle. Which really wouldn't seem fair to the third...but, we feel it is something that we probably would not be able to control. However, when you apply the "child/love analogy" to it...it seems to become a non-issue.

Did that make any sense?

We both try to not close our minds to any type of possibility and through different discussions of ours, we've come to the conclusion that a poly relationship (of some type) with someone one day is a possibility so...we try to explore/dissect/discuss everything we can think of.

Like I said, it's not something that we are looking for but, we are not going to say it will never happen...because we just don't know (we joke with each other saying, that at times it seems that we are "dating" in the swinging world trying to find our third, which really sounds strange as we enjoy each encounter we have while swinging for it's unique quality). We know what we would want it to be like with a third, not sure if it could be that way, but then think if we both loved the third and the third loved us then it's possible.

Thanks so much for answering and giving an insight into ya'll's relationship.

I'm not sure if any of my questions/thoughts have helped answer the main question of this thread ....What is polyamory? But, I've definitely enjoyed the discussion.



Teresa

[Menage_a_Trois]

Just thought I would post some of the may links to Poly sites I have come across in my quest for more knowledge on poly.

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/

http://www.polyamory.com/

http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com/index.html

http://www.polyandproud.com/

http://www.polyamory.org/ (the purity test is interesting)

Polyamory is a topic that can get extremely deep.......there is alot of information on it. The best way to understand is to just start reading and absorbing.

The Other Mrs. Menage